You can’t walk around San Francisco these days without bumping into someone covered head to toes in dildos. So-called dildo couture is all the rage with the neoliberals of Silicon Valley, who relish in the opportunity to advertise their moral superiority to the rest of the world. There’s nothing quite as morally enlightened as bedecking yourself in a $250,000 bespoke outfit made by the most talented dildo craftsmen in the world.

Victor Biquedor, owner of the famous dildo atelier Le Coq Paillette, says business has been booming. “Nearly every Silicon Valley executive now owns a bespoke dildo suit,” says Victor. “In fact, if you don’t own a tuxedo covered in dildos, you won’t even be allowed into most parties in Silicon Valley. The fact is, only the people who truly appreciate the moral magnificence of dildo couture are accepted by the digerati, which is exactly how it should be.”

Most people in the media share the sentiment. “Silicon Valley is a shining beacon of moral righteousness. The day will come where people won’t worship God, they’ll worship Google,” says culture critic Nobb Von Aochi, who has a degree in Moral Values from Harvard University. “We’ll get out morals from credentialed post-gendered priests who will wear holy garments made of dildos. They’ll teach the common man the virtues of obedience to Silicon Valley. We’re going to exchanges our churches, synagogues, and mosques for Apple stores. We’ll replace our faith with Facebook. And we will get on our knees and give holy blowjobs to our moral betters, the saintly Ivy League graduates who work for tech companies in California. The future is covered in dildos, and working class barbarians better get used to it.”

Working class people across the world agree. In fact, one of the key demands of the Yellow Vest protest movement in France is that they want President Macron to convert France to worshipping Silicon Valley. “All our problems in France would disappear if we just allowed Google to impose its moral values on us,” says protester Nicole Bleu. “Crude genital worship, the valorization of sexual identity above economic issues, the idea that capitalists are morally superior to the working class, the understanding that credentialed trust fund kids with Ivy League degrees are in fact less privileged that blue collar workers and that those workers need to defer to their educated betters on moral issues? That’s the future France needs. It’s the future the entire world needs. We need priests in dildo suits to teach us that we are sinners, and that the only way to be absolved of that sin is to let Google dictate our moral values. Praise be to Silicon Valley, the one true Holy Land. May the morally righteous capitalists of this most holy Valley forgive the working class for our sins. Capital is woke, and the working class must be enlightened.”

Sexologists with the American Institute For Scientific Fisting have released a report that’s sure to dilate your orifices in excitement. According to research conducted by the institute, couples that fist each other are 85% less likely to divorce each other. “There’s a huge causal relationship between fisting and relationship satisfaction,” says lead researcher Dr. Ross Culot. “Most normal relationships see a deterioration in romantic and sexual satisfaction after the first three years together, but couples that fist each other don’t experience that drop. Fisting lovers are like perpetual newlyweds.”

It seems that the act of fisting, which involves shoving your entire hand up your partner’s bodily orifices, creates a kind of psychological and emotional shield around your relationship, rendering it impervious to the stresses that cause normal, non-fisting relationships to shatter. “A couple that fists each other sticks together,” says Dr. Culot. “In fact, mutual fisting is the single most potent act that a couple can take to ensure that it lasts. Nothing else comes close. Not relationship therapy, not a warm and loving rapport between partners, not kindness and compassion, not even regular cocaine fueled gangbangs with your friends and neighbours. Nothing comes close to fisting when it comes to guaranteeing relationship satisfaction.”

Dr. Culot believes that the government should begin teaching high school students the merits and values of fisting. “There’s been a massive collapse in marriage rates over the last sixty years as well as a huge spike in divorce numbers. The American Institute For Scientific Fisting believes that a national fisting strategy could not only halt this decline in marriages, but even reverse it,” says Dr. Culot. “Yes, fisting may seem like a very crude and pornographic act, but it’s a perfectly natural one that can guarantee long term satisfaction in love. Think of all the marriages we could save if everyone learned the value of a good fisting.”

Concerned citizens across Canada are wrestling with the moral implications of a new trend in raving: organized hobo fighting. The last three years has seen an explosion in the popularity of hobo wrestling matches at parties. It’s gotten so bad, that promoters for large events routinely scour their cities looking for homeless people they can recruit for their events.

“At this point, you can’t really call a party a rave if it doesn’t involve hobo wrestling,” says party promoter Denton Hogan. “DJs expect their sets to be accompanied by a hobo wrestling match, and many of them will refuse to play at a party if this isn’t the case. No hobo violence, no music. That’s the new unspoken rule among DJs in Canada. It’s kind of depressing.”

Hobo wrestling matches have become increasingly elaborate since they were introduced, with newer fights taking place in giant iron cages that ravers call Hobo Boxes. Companies have even sprouted up in order to build custom hobo boxes for more demanding promoters “Our most popular hobo box, the Hobonator 3000, features electric bars, rotating chainsaws, and nozzles that squirt out liquid crystal meth at anyone nearby,” says hobo box maker Cliff Kilovich. “It’s a real work of art that’s guaranteed to titilate and excite even the most jaded raver.”

Urban psychologist Dr. Geordie Nickerson says that no one should be surprised by the hobo boxing phenomenon. “Raves reflect the collective id of those who attend them, and now that our society has entered into a period of moral decline, it’s only natural that ravers would begin hiring homeless people to fight each other,” says Dr. Nickerson. “The id of your average raver has deteriorated, become more savage, moral brutal. The little voice in the back of his lizard brain, the one that controls his impulses and instincts, it now craves blood and destruction because your average raver now lives in an environment that is self-destructing. Our society is collapsing, and with it the moral checks that kept our ids in line. Hobo boxing will be with us for as long as the moral center of our civilizations remains loss. Don’t blame the ravers, blame society.”

The public is clamouring for a clamp down on raving after yet another citizen lost their eyes in a feral raver attack, making them the 404th victim this year. “It’s getting out of hand,” says Vancouver police commissioner Ray Riley . “Every week, four or five people have their eyes gauged out by ravers, and no matter how many parties we shut down, no matter how many DJs we throw in jail, the attacks just keep on coming.”

Commissioner Riley has officially asked the federal government to label raving a terrorist hate movement. “This is no longer a police matter,” says Riley. “Ravers are dangerous and pose a serious threat not only to the people of Canada, but to the Canadian state itself. Today they’re gouging out eyeballs, but tomorrow they’ll be gouging out democracy and our right to vote. The only way we can put an end to raver terrorism is by treating ravers as enemy combatants engaged in a holy war against Canada. Ravers are a threat that only the military can fight. They’re just too much for the police to handle.”

Terrorism expert Guro Kuu agrees. “Ravers are the EDM equivalent of the Taliban,” says Mr. Kuu. “The so-called rave scene is really just a hyper militant theocratic community hellbent on replacing Canadian democracy with Plurocracy, the rule of ravers. Say goodbye to liberal democracy and hello to plurology, the religion of peace, love, unity, and respect. When ravers gouge out the eyes of non-believers, they believe they’re doing it for the sake of plur. They’re blood thirsty fanatics who will plunge our country into chaos if they’re not stopped.”

Police officers found Jan Poulet, a twenty year old University student, sobbing uncontrollably in her lederhosen on the corner of St-Catherine and Sherbrooke. The officers knew something was amiss because it’s rare to find lederhosen clad bawling their eyes out on the streets of Montreal. “This isn’t Berlin, so we knew this something unusual was going on” says Sgt. Gaul Ibel. “Our victim was crying rivers of tears, wailing so loudly you could hear her two blocks away. When she finally calmed down, she told us what had happened. She had just escaped from a dungeon full of yodelling slaves.”

The sordid details shocked the officers. Rave promoter Jan Poulet had seduced dozens of men and women into becoming his Oktoberfest playthings. He groomed his victims until they trusted him, and then invited them over to an underground lair he kept beneath St-Catherine street. Once they arrived at his secret hideout, he trapped them in cages and force them to yodel for him.

“Jan Poulet’s lair was hidden in a long abandoned sewer tunnel,” says Sgt. Ibel. “He had discovered it years ago while organizing underground raves. After finding this particular tunnel, he decided that it was better suited for his Oktoberfest themed sex dungeon than it was for raves.”

Poulet was busy furiously masturbating when the police barged into his dungeon, liberating dozens of naked yodellers. “We’re thrilled that we were able to save so many lives from this yodelling obsessed menace, but there are still a lot of questions that need to be answered,” says Sgt. Ibel. “We need to know why Mr. Poulet started his yodel dungeon. Was he acting alone? Is there perhaps a cabal of rave promoters enslaving men and women to turn them into yodel whores? We don’t know yet, and that should worry everyone in Montreal.”

Doctors are asking ravers not to tan their eyes by staring at the sun after dozens of them have gone blind attempting to bronze their eyeballs. Eye tanning is an internet hoax that originated on raving forums where anti-raver trolls have worked hard convincing gullible party kids that they can bronze their eyes by staring directly at the giant ball of fire floating over us.

“The idea is that thirty minutes of eye tanning will turn your eyes a different colour,” says Dr. Hugo Veugle, an ophthalmologist with the Urban Eye Anatomy Institute of Canada. “Obviously staring at the sun doesn’t change the colour of your eyes. It does, however, cause you to go blind. I’d really appreciate it if ravers stopped believing everything they read on the internet. Don’t stare at the sun. Don’t try to tan your eyeballs. Please, just don’t do it.”

Many ravers are unpersuaded by what the medical community has to say. “Tanning eyeballs is a real thing,” says rave promoter Cecile Sealot. “Those so-called eye doctors are in the pockets of the coloured contact lens industry. They want us to spend our hard earned money buying stupid novelty contacts to change our eye colour when we could just spend half an hour staring at the sun for free. It’s a medical conspiracy. Down with coloured contacts, up with staring at the sun! Eye tanning forever!”

It’s not a secret that Generation Z is the most undersexed on record, and a recent study by The Urban Primates Institute confirms it. Researcher Dr. Ron Dawng, has spent the last two years observing the sexual habits of three thousand teenagers. “Our results are conclusive. Teenagers would rather play Minecraft than have sex,” says Dr. Dawng. “They consider fighting off mobs of creepers in Minecraft more rewarding than exploring one another’s sexuality. Generation Z thinks mining ore with a virtual pick-axe is better than taking it up the ass.”

Seventeen year old teenager Todd Solomon agrees. “I’d rather play Minecraft than play with someone’s bodily orifices,” says Todd. “Minecraft is safe, it’s gentle, it’s always there for me when I need it. I love Minecraft and I love what I can do with it. Escaping into Minecraft is way more exciting than escaping into someone’s body cavities. Minecraft is the best lover I could ever ask for.”

Party promoters are worried by the rise of these so-called Minecraft-sexuals. “Dance floors are emptying up as more and more teenagers eschew partying in favour of Minecraft,” says promoter James Jabroni. “Partying is all about finding people to have sex with, so if teenagers don’t want to have sex anymore, they have no reason to party. That’s going to put all us promoters out of business. Imagine a future where all our clubs and bars go out of business because everyone’s too busy building houses in Minecraft to. That future will soon be a reality.”

Helicopter parents are hiring professional ravers to tutor their children in the art of partying. These so-called “rave mentors” are part of a burgeoning industry that aims to alleviate EDM induced parental anxiety. Over 5,000 party mentors have already registered with Ravetutors, a new Silicon Valley company that aims to make raving safe, sane, and consensual for generation Z.

“Middle aged ex-ravers want their children to experience the best of raving while avoiding the many pitfalls associated with it,” says Ravetutors founder Chad Bullsworth. “They don’t want their kids buying fake drugs, or making out with creepy old men, or dancing to happy hardcore. Ravetutors ensures that teenagers that are new to raving will escape bad experiences and only encounter positive, life enhancing EDM adventures. Teenagers in the care of our professional rave tutors will only take the best drugs available at a party, make out with only the hottest ravers in attendance, and they will never dance to happy hardcore. We guarantee it or your money back.”

53 year old architect Rufus Ruphaldo is a huge fan of Ravetutors. “I first signed up with them right before my daughter’s sixteenth birthday,” says Rufus. “The tutors I hired ensured that her first raving experience was problem free. She didn’t get hit on by anyone over 35, the drugs she took were high quality, and she wasn’t exposed to a single happy hardcore DJ set. I couldn’t be happier with the outcome!”

Young ravers are thrilled to receive mentoring, but older party promoters are worried that Ravetutors and services like it will sanitize the party scene. “Raving is supposed to be a little dangerous,” says promoter Hugh Jenutts. “These rave instructors are turning our scene into a University classroom. That’s kind of sad, if you think about it.”

Having a hard time making ends meet? Landlord breathing down your neck? You might want to consider organizing a house rent party. The last decade has seen a revival of this old tradition. Back in the 1920s people who were struggling with rent would open the doors of their apartments to friends and neighbours. In exchange for a small donation, they’d offer music, food, and entertainment from dusk until dawn. Some people believe rent parties were the original raves.

The tradition fell out of favour in the 1960s, but they started making a comeback after the 2008 recession. “At least 20% of Montrealers under 30 have had a house rent party in the last year,” says Urbanologist Ferdinand Flat. “We expect to see those numbers rise as working class pockets continue to be hammered by neoliberal economic policies. In the absence of a real economic recovery, there will be more and more citizens embracing rent parties as a way to survive in a country that doesn’t respect labor.”

Ferdinand believes that within a few short years, over half of Montrealers making under $40,000 a year will have thrown at least one rent party during that time. “We’re getting to the point where practically everyone in Montreal that isn’t a rich asshole will have either attended a rent party or organized one. That says something about the economic climate we now live in.”

The 2019 Methy Awards, the annual raver award ceremony that celebrates the best the EDM scene has to offer, is about to release this year’s slate of nominees. Every January 1st, ravers around the world gather to vote on categories ranging from best promoter, to most innovative new drug, to biggest scene whore. You never know what to expect at the Methy Awards—except that it’ll probably be an event to remember. Or perhaps forget depending on which drugs you’re on.

“I can’t wait to see who wins the most embarrassing DJ award,” says 23 year old raver Abigail Adams. “My vote is for DJ Pandaplex. It was super awkward and kind of disgusting when he gave a handjob to a caged panda on stage. That’s not what the rave scene is about. He’s a total weirdo.”

It’s not all panda handjobs at the Methy Awards. Many of the categories might highlight the silly and absurd elements of the party scene, but the event also celebrates a lot of the unsung heroes of the party community. “Bartenders, bouncers, door men, ticket takers, gaffers, go-go girls, clean-up crew—these are all people who are usually over looked by ravers, and those are the people we want to give awards to,” says Methies founder Chris Kringleton. “One of the reasons I decided to launch these raver awards was to highlight all the incredible work that’s done behind the scenes to make parties possible. Sure, everyone wants to know who is going to win best party of the year, but it’s the myriad awards for raver lackies that are the true heart of the meths.”

You can watch the award ceremony stream live on the internet at 9pm, January 1st 2019.

The city of Toronto is experiencing a urinal cake crisis as hundreds of ravers are scouring public bathrooms in order to steal them. The hygienic products are in hot demand after it was discovered that smoking the crushed remains of a used urinal cake will get you high.

Intrepid psychonauts who have braved the disgust factor in order to smoke crushed urinal pads say that the buzz is like the best parts of cocaine and MDMA mixed with the mild hallucinogenic effects of a low dose of psilocybin. “It’s one of the friendliest highs you can ever have,” says heavy drug user Chad Chatterton. “I’ve taken pretty much everything you can think of in all the weird ways you can imagine. I’ve shoved needles of heroin up my urethra, I’ve huffed gasoline straight from an exhaust pipe, I’ve bathed my ball sack in liquid nitrogen. I’ve done it all, and I’m telling you, nothing comes close in terms of pleasure as smoking the crushed remains of a dirty used urinal cake. Those things are worth their weight in gold.”

The surprising use of dirty urinal cakes as ingredients in a potent psychotropic drug has lead to the creation of a new class of underworld criminals: cake thieves. This class of crook largely consists of ravers who spend their waking hours sneaking into bathrooms looking for their pee soaked goal. A single well drenched urinal cake can sell for up to $25 on the black market, so businesses are having an increasingly hard time keeping their toilets hygienic.

“It’s disgusting that we have to keep an eye on our bathrooms now to make sure people aren’t running away with our urinal cakes,” says fast-food manager Bailey Bebop. “Is that the kind of world we live in now? A world where people make a living stealing urinal cakes?”

Police rescued a woman on Saturday who was being chased down the streets of Montreal by her knife wielding boyfriend. This terrifying incident took place shortly after the woman told her partner that she would rather go to a psytrance party than watch Rick and Morty with him. “Her decision infuriated the man,” says Sgt. Irma Cornichon. “He was desperate for her wubba lubba dub dub, and her refusal to give it to him caused him to suffer a psychotic break with reality.”

The man grabbed a butcher’s knife from the kitchen then chased her out of their apartment and down several city blocks, jumping over garbage cans, dogs, and even small children in pursuit of her. “Thankfully, the woman was able to slow him down by criticizing Rick and Morty. Every time she insulted the show, he paused in his tracks and started crying, which gave her time to put some more distance between her and her attacker.”

Police arrived at the scene of the chase within minutes and quickly put a stop to it. “We had officers nearby who were able to respond to the attack before anything serious happened,” says Sgt. Cornichon. “Unfortunately, we doubt this will be the last time such a scene happens in Montreal. We ask all adult men to remember that cartoons are for children, and that you shouldn’t chase after your girlfriends with butcher knives if they’d rather do something more age appropriate, like drop DMT at a psytrance party, than watch a kid’s show with you,.”

You might not have noticed it, but Bill Gates has quietly become the fashion icon for millions of well behaved party kids. From the streets of Brooklyn to the back alleys of Los Angeles, young adults and older teenagers are rebelling against rebellion by embracing the staid and stoic aesthetic of Seattle’s billionaire nerd king.

Gone are the days of punk rock and hip hop, of drum and bass and booty house—today’s teenagers prefer billcore. This aesthetic movement takes all its cues from the design and fashion choices that Bill Gates has made over his long and storied career. Nerdy and dorky is the new cool. “Modern party kids have a spirit animal, and that animal is named Bill Gates,” says fashion expert Les Tetons. “This generation has turned its back on risk and excitement. They prefer bland, boring, safe, functional, predictable. Today’s teenagers act like yesterday’s grandpas. It’s only natural that they’d embrace Bill Gates as the face of their generation.”

Billcore isn’t limited to clothing choices. The movement is more than what you put on your back. It’s an entire approach to life, a sensibility that permeates every aspect of the modern party kid’s existence. “You’ve got billcore music, billcore interior decor. There’s even a store in Brooklyn that sells mild billcore salsa. Bland is beautiful. Bland is the future.”

Promoter Kyle Kylerson, famous for his ribaldrous raves, has caused his rivals marriage to fall a part after seducing the man’s wife and daughter. “This asshole kept scheduling his parties on the same weekend as mine, so I fucked his wife and his daughter.” says Kyle. “I did them both at the same time. We had a gang bang right on his bed. And I filmed it all. When I was done splooging all over his ladies, I sent him the video. ”

Kyle says his rival wasn’t just a bad promoter, but a bad father who got what was coming to him. “His wife hates him and his daughter doesn’t respect him,” says Kyle. “You think a well adjusted 22 year old woman would have a threesome with her mom? He’s as good a father as he is a promoter, which is to say he sucks.”

It’s not uncommon for rival rave promoters to get revenge on each other through sexual shenanigans says Urbanologist Kesha Sutherland. “Rave promoters engage in all sorts of odd territorial behaviour,” says Kesha. “For example, your average promoter will mark his territory by urinating over it. Some of the more elite rave promoters possess anal glands that secret a musk that warns others not to mess with them. Seducing a mate’s opponent is just one of the many fascinating ways that promoters negotiate territory.”

Doctors across North America are warning people that drinking lean will make them sterile. Lean, also known as purple drank, is popular drug with homeless people and ravers. This intoxicating sludge is made by combing soda with cough syrup. Unfortunately for fans of this devil’s brew, scientists earlier this year revealed that the substance attacks the reproductive organs of both men and women.

Regularly drinking lean causes the hypogonadal axis of the brain, which regulates the production of sexual hormones, to atrophy. “Effectively, when people drink lean, it’s like they’re telling their brain to shrivel up their ovaries and testes,” says Dr. Phil Connors, president of the Mundane Medical Society of Chibougameau. “After a few months of being on lean, a man’s penis begins to rot from the inside out. It takes a few years before it’ll actually fall off altogether, but each time a man takes a swig of lean, it’s like a tiny little misandry gnome is kicking him in the testicles. And you don’t even want to know what happens to female lean drinkers. It’s like nuclear powered menstruation. Just awful stuff.”

Ravers and homeless people are undeterred by these medical warnings. “If the price of getting high on lean is my balls falling off, then that’s a price I’m willing to pay,” says 23 year old party kid Raoul Luoar. “Lean forever!”

PornBob, the world’s largest porn site run by a guy named Bob, has just released it’s annual search engine rankings, and the numbers don’t lie: ravers are addicted to nun pornography. “If there’s one things that gets ravers hot and bothered, it’s the idea of having sex with a nun,” says Bob Bobington, CEO of PornBob. “Nothing comes close to it for ravers. Not gang bangs, not cream pies, not amateur sex, not squirting videos. Nothing.”

For every vanilla porn search a raver makes, they’ll make ten searches for naughty nun doing dirty deeds. Some researchers believe that the reason ravers are so transfixed with nuns is because they’re drowning in degeneracy, desperately craving something wholesome and pure. “All ravers are basically whores who have sex for drugs,” says Ronaldo Corleone, a part-time sambass party promoter and full-time sexologist at the Toronto Institute for Normal Sex. “ In fact, I’m pretty sure every one who has ever been to more than two raves has traded sex for drugs or drugs for sex. It’s just what ravers do. It’s like breathing for them.”

Ronaldo says that ravers who surround themselves with nothing but immorality secretly long for the embrace of someone who is chaste and decent. “Nuns are the polar opposite of ravers,” says Ronaldo. “Ravers are wicked and sinful, while nuns are kind and decent. Ravers have weird cocaine fuelled glowstick orgies, while nuns pray for the unfortunate while worshipping the lord. Ravers believe in nothing but pleasure, while nuns understand that pleasure leads to temptation and temptation leads to eternal damnation in the fires of hell. On some level, ravers understand that they’ve sacrificed their soul for techno, which is why they’re fixated on having sex with nuns.”

Ellie Belinora, a 22 year old confectionist at Toronto’s Peanut Butter Emporium, made a gruesome discovery late Wednesday evening when she discovered the lifeless body of her boyfriend inside their custom built latex vacuum sex bed. These beds, which are popular among fetishists, use vacuum pumps to trap people beneath a sheet of latex with carefully placed holes for the body’s orifices. Like a wiener in an opened bag of hotdogs, once you’re in a vacuum bed, you’re not getting out unless someone let’s you out.

The victim, the infamous rave promote Norm Hiddleston, had been left inside the DIY bondage contraption during a session of abandonment play. This is a game where kinksters tie up a loved one and then leave them in this helpless state for hours at a time. It was during this interlude that a shelf above the vacuum bed became loose, causing the collection of giant dildos it was holding up to tumble down onto Norm. One of the oversized sex toys landed directly in his throat, asphyxiating him.

“We built this latex vacuum bed to spice up our sex life,” says Ellie, “but instead it’s taken the life of the one I loved. I hope people learn from my mistakes. Find satisfaction in good, safe, sensual vanilla sex. The missionary position isn’t going to kill you the way a giant dildo falling off a shelf into your open mouth while you’re trapped in a latex vacuum bed will.”

A foul smell lead investigators to a warehouse full of ravers early Saturday morning, resulting in the arrest of dozens of people for trespassing. The smelly ravers had gathered for an illegal dance party, and if it wasn’t for their malodorous assault on the senses, they probably would have succeeded in partying the night away. Unfortunately for them, several people walking by the warehouse noticed a rancid smell emanating from the location and called city officials to warn them about a potential toxic spill.

“The stench was terrible,” says Officer Dustin Browning. “It smelled like a mix of dog farts, cat urine and toxic waste. I wouldn’t even call it body odour, unless the body belonged to a rotting whale carcass that’s been covered in axe body spray. It was just absolutely disgusting. The worst thing I ever smelled in my life.”

The police aren’t sure why these particular ravers smelled so awful. “Ravers can be stinky, but there was something about this particular group that really took the cake,” says Officer Dustin. “It was like they had just spent a month travelling through the desert in their fun fur pants and then, after finally finding civilization, they decided to roll around in a pile of pig shit to celebrate.”

Lilly Oolala, one of the ravers who was arrested at the event, doesn’t get what all the fuss is about. “Montreal gets hot in the summer,” says Lilly. “So imagine a hundred people dancing in a poorly ventilated building in the middle of a heatwave. It’s not going to be pretty, but c’mon, don’t blow things out of proportion. It was just raver sweat, not Chernobyl.”

Toronto’s Comrade Stomp, the infamous Marxist dance club, has closed its doors after the collective that ran the place exploded into an orgy of in-fighting. “We couldn’t see eye-to-eye on how to best manage a communist space while simultaneously navigating capitalist restraints,” says Tracy Vanderbilt, an otherkin activist who volunteered at the club. “The proletariat who worked on the floor kept butting their heads against the intellectual vanguard that kept our books, managed our supply chains, and organized our event nights. Blue collar and white collar communists found themselves gripped in a struggle to the death.”

The proles on the dance floor claimed that Marxist bureaucrats were mismanaging funds and had no idea how to keep the bar stocked. “We kept running out of alcohol,” says former bartender Jezebel Jazowka. “You wouldn’t believe the line-ups at the bar. I mean, you had people who were waiting for a drink for hours and hours and they would walk away empty handed, with no liquids to put in their bellies. It was really depressing.”

Marxist intellectual Bougie Aristos, who has a Ph.D from Oxford University, says that the club would have been just fine if the workers hadn’t engaged in reactionary activities. “The intellectual vanguard had everything under control, but the proles at Comrade Stomp were unwilling to adhere to the dictates of historical materialism as determined by their intellectual betters. They engaged in frequent subversive activities that undermined the long-term viability of our alcohol supply chain. They did not possess sufficient class consciousness, and their false consciousness poisoned the activities of our club, forcing it to shut down. This just goes to show you, the only way for communism to work is if we eliminate the working class and replace it entirely with big brained intellectuals.”

Vancouver’s DJ Quizlabia isn’t just making waves with her unique take on Future Bass, she’s also earning a cult following thanks to her used tampon business. “She’s the queen of the red rag,” says fetish enthusiast Carlos Carmesi. “No one in the soiled garment kink scene has approached the subject with her artistry or craft. She’s not only selling her used tampons, she’s transforming them into pieces of art that you can’t help but find captivating.”

Even mainstream art connoisseurs are taking notice of her blood soaked art. “Normally, I don’t like buying people’s used tampons,” says art gallery owner Dolan Rutherford. “However, DJ Quizlabia isn’t selling mere tampons, she’s selling beautiful embodiments of the Western feminine fact. She arranges her tampons into tableaus that confront you with the gendered power dynamics of our oppressive and patriarchal lily white cisnormative society. Her tampon tableaus are a revelation, a shock to the dominant white male consensus that imposes itself and recreates itself through the commodification of these hygiene products, among other things.”

Dolan believes that DJ Quizlabia may even be the next Picasso. “Her tampons are her brushes and her blood is her paint, and with these two things, she is able to create art the likes of which we have never seen. I could spend hours, months even, simply gazing at her crimson red creations. It’s so easy to lose yourself in her bloody effusions. I hope everyone eventually gets to experience her glory in person. Tampon art has never been this transcendent.”

Montreal’s famous Hot-Dog Man was brutally stabbed by a pack of feral ravers on Saturday. The beloved city icon, who became famous in the late nineties for dressing up as a hotdog outside of bars and parties on St-Laurent boulevard, chose the wrong party to peddle his wieners. “He was selling hotdogs and corndogs outside a a militant vegan rave,” says eye witness Brenda Bennet, who was walking down the street when the attack happened. “He’s lucky he survived — those vegans were ruthless.”

The vegan party scene has exploded in popularity over the last few years, with nearly fifty percent of the cities raves identifying as vegan only events. Police are worried that the vegan rave community’s growth will set off a tidal wave of meat based violence. “The unfortunate stabbing of the Hot-Dog Man is a sign of things to come,” says police officer Jaime Sausiss. “This isn’t the first time a bunch of angry vegan ravers have assaulted someone for selling meat, and it won’t be the last.”

Many experts believe that it’s time for the provincial government to step in before vegan violence steps up. “The brutal stabbing of the Hot Dog Man shows that we are only a few short years away from non-stop vegan mayhem,” says urbanologist Keith Moutarde. “The government needs to set-up programs to train public officials on how to deal with militant veganism. If they don’t, we’ll end up like San Francisco, where people are regularly murdered for eating beef instead of quinoa salad. Do you want to live in a city where you have to constantly watch your back whenever you leave a restaurant? I don’t.”

A recent study by the Categorical Institute For Nominal Investigations claims that over 40% of all ravers are named Kyle. “Even ravers that aren’t named Kyle are named Kyle,” says lead researcher Kyle Kylerson. “That means that ravers who don’t have Kyle as a first name usually have it as their second name.”

Kyle doesn’t have any explanation for this phenomenon. “Right now, it’s a bit of a mystery,” says Kyle. “What we do know is that the number of Kyles in the rave scene has exploded over the last 20 years. Back in the nineties, the distribution of names within the raver population reflected the distribution of names among the whole population. That began changing shortly after the first Spider-Man movie was released by Sony Pictures. That’s when you can see a sharp spike in ravers named Kyle. We’re not sure what the link is between Spider-Man and why so many ravers are named Kyle, but it’s something we’re looking into.”

Kyle Brogan, a rave promoter from Chicoutimi, says there’s just something about raving that attracts people named Kyle. “I don’t know, raves are like dog whistles for the Kyles of the world,” says Kyle. “There’s something about raves that we can’t resist, something that non-Kyle’s can’t fully appreciate.”

Kyle Panopolous, a DJ from New Zealand, agrees. “I’ve got a sixth sense for raves. It’s like I just know when there’s a rave happening,” says Kyle. “Like I don’t even need GPS or google maps to find a rave. I just use my Kyle-sense, and boom, I’ll find a party to go to — it’s kind of freaky.”

Kyle Kylerson says that at the current rate, the rave scene will be fully Kylerized by 2022. “That’s the year when over 98% of all ravers will be named Kyle,” says Kyle. “It’s almost enough to make you ask if there’s something supernatural going on. Is this an act of God? Are aliens behind it? Is it a marketing scheme by Sony pictures for the next Spider-Man movie? I guess we’ll find out soon enough.”

Health professionals are incredibly concerned over the growing popularity of vagina snacking among young women.“Storing food in your vagina in order to eat it later in the day is not sanitary,” says Dr. Corey Leonor. “When you put an apple or an orange in your vagina, you’re not only covering your food in all sorts of bodily fluids, your also introducing germs and bacteria into your body that really have no place being in it. And if you go through with eating your vaginal snack, you’re stomach is going to hate you for it.”

The vaginal snacking craze started, like many other terrible ideas, on Tumblr. “Several years ago, members of that website’s thriving shoplifting subculture began circulating vaginal smuggling techniques,” says Dr. Rachel Fou, a digital humanities researcher. “Eventually some of the young female shoplifters who use Tumblr began sharing stories about how they would eat the fruit that they had smuggled out of grocery stores in their vaginas. It wasn’t long before these vaginal fruit smuggling stories started showing up on other parts of Tumblr, and from there they found their way to other websites like Twitter and Youtube. During this memetic migration to the wider internet, the practice of vaginal fruit smuggling evolved into the practice of pure vaginal snacking. Shoplifters were no longer the only women eating fruits that they had tucked away in their bodily orifices. Now all sorts of women were getting in on the act. ”

It’s gotten so bad, that schools across the country have begun disciplining students who hide food where the sun doesn’t shine. “We’re really trying to communicate to teenagers that this fad isn’t just disgusting, it’s actually bad for your health,” says Principal Paul Mangepum of Saskatoon’s St-Dorothy High School. “I know that in progressive times like ours it might seem retrograde to punish women for practicing bodily autonomy, but it’s a public health issue. We don’t want these girls getting sick.”

Government officials are begging ravers to poop in bags after a team of German scientists discovered that their fecal matter had amazing medical properties. “Ravers are a bit like walking drug factories,” says Dr. Lynn Canthrope of Berlin’s Real Medical Institute. “The habit of constantly consuming drugs has radically altered raver biology. After a few years of raving, your body begins to naturally secrete drugs. That’s why every time a raver uses the toilet, they’re flushing life saving medicine right down the tube. It’s a tragedy.”

Doctors envision a future where ravers around the world will simply poop in medical bags that they will then ship off to facilities that will turn their feces into more palatable medicine. “It might sound gross, but a lot of medicine comes from less than savoury sources,” says Dr. Canthrope. “I mean, there’s an entire field of medicine that involves transplanting another person’s feces into your intestines in order to regrow healthy gut bacteria. That’s a real medical intervention. So people shouldn’t be all that shocked that raver poop can save lives. It can, and it already has, and once the government starts collecting it on a massive scale, it’s going to do an incredible amount of good. The public will be blown away by all the lives that raver secretions end up saving.”

Dr. Canthrope predicts that in the future, government agents will be sent to parties to directly collect raver droppings. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we end up seeing government run raves, either. Hell, you might even see Big Pharma get in on the act. Imagine a future where billion dollar pharmaceutical companies throw raves in order to collect raver feces? That future is likelier than you think.”

A new fashion craze has doctors concerned as thousands of female ravers around the world have cut off their labia in order to turn them into jewelry. “A lot of young women seem to think that it’s the ultimate fashion statement,” says Barry Arachide, a fashionologist at the Institute For Teenage Trends. “They consider it a sort of declaration of war against socially constructed gender identities. Wearing their labia around their necks is a way of letting society know they won’t let social norms dictate their biology.”

Leanna Perdu is a 19 year old college student who has been evangelizing labia necklaces for the last several years. “I first learned about the labia freedom movement on Tumblr,” says Leanna. “And it just made so much sense. That’s when I decided I’d become a high priestess of the faith, convincing people that it was time to grab a pair of scissors and craft supplies and say goodbye to the patriarchal gender normative lips of oppression between our thighs.”

Theresa Nobbins, a 23 year old post-gendered biohacker, agrees. “I don’t look at labia necklaces as fashion items or even as political statements,” says Theresa. “Instead, I view them as a spiritual act of self-creation. People are thrown into the world in bodies they don’t choose and inundated with social and cultural mores that they have no power over. Creating a necklace out of your labia is a way of reclaiming a degree of autonomy over the vast cosmic forces that shape and control you. I like to think of the labia necklaces as a stepping stone to a greater cultural acceptance for transhumanism. Each time a woman cuts off her labia and wears it around her neck, she’s helping to build a freer world, a world where we don’t have to be what society tells us to be, a world where we get to control our biology, a world where we can escape the confines of our bodies and shape them to our will. That’s a world I want to live in.”

Police arrested an Etobicoke man for child abuse after receiving anonymous reports that he had forced his daughter to become a Psytrance DJ. “This was definitely one of the most horrifying cases of child abuse we’ve ever encountered,” says Officer Dale Biggins. “The dad in question had pulled his daughter out of school in order to subject her to an inhumane psytrance education. The young girl was forced to listen to techno every waking hour of the day, and would have to analyze the music in extreme detail which she would later be quizzed on.”

The young girl would be forced to take DMT whenever she failed an exam. “He’d wear these weird fertility masks while she was on DMT, then he’d yell at her about machine elves,” says Officer Biggins. “Needless to say, she end up experiencing things no one should ever have to go through.”

When the father wasn’t torturing his daughter with powerful hallucinogenic drugs, he was forcing her to produce psytrance music in Logic. “Sometimes, when he was feeling particularly mean, he’d make her use Fruity Loops,” says Officer Biggins.

The young girl produced over five hundred psytrance songs for her father, many of which ended up on home made CDs that he would sell in front of Toronto head shops and health food stores. “The psytrance CDs that this man sold on the sidewalks of Toronto were the product of cruel child labor,” says Officer Biggins. “We’re happy we managed to save this girl, but we’re worried that their might be more children like her. Little boys and girls who are being forced by their parents into making techno music. Techno based child labour is a problem few people know about, but it’s very real, and very sad.”

The best lovers in the world are 37 year old balding rave promoters according to a titillating new study. Researchers at the Institute for Urban Sexual Metrics spent the last five years cataloguing the sexual exploits of over a million people across North America, and after crunching the numbers, they discovered a shocking fact: bald 37 year old rave promoters are the best lovers in the world. Calling them walking aphrodisiacs might be an understatement.

“The study is conclusive,” says lead researcher Dr. Jaide Gromelon. “Bald 37 year old rave promoters are the embodiment of sexual peak performance. We identified over fifty of them across the continent, and every last one of them was responsible for sexually devastating their hometowns. Any man or woman who slept with one of these virile specimens was forever ruined. Once you taste the forbidden fruit of the balding mid thirties rave promoter, no one else can ever satisfy you again.”

Not only that, but some people actually go into acute sexual withdrawal, claims Dr. Gromelon. “We’ve even documented a few cases of people dying once they stopped having sex with 37 year old balding rave promoters,” says Dr. Gromelon. “Their bodies became addicted to the life sustaining sexual bliss provided by these promoters, and once they were no longer being sexually satisfied by them, it was like their internal organs simply gave up on life.”

This is something to keep in mind if you ever encounter a 37 year old bald rave promoter in the wild. Once you start having sex with him, stopping might be bad for your health.

Calgary police have arrested 23 year old bartender Todd Lottakyle after he was caught violating the cat of a woman he met through an online dating site. Melissa Finkelstein, the cat owner, caught Mr. Lottakyle in flagrante delicto with her 2 year old siamese kitty after leaving the two alone in her living room. “I went to the washroom to spruce up, and when I got out, there he was with his pants down around his ankles and my cat looking none to pleased.”

Police have reason to believe that this isn’t the first time that Mr. Lottakyle has sexually availed himself to the feline friends of the women he’s met through online dating. “We suspect that Mr. Lottakyle is a serial cat rapist,” says Officer Shayla Shamoniya. “He trolls online dating sites for profiles of women with cats, and if he finds a cat he finds attractive, he’ll try to get a date with her owner.”

This wouldn’t be the first time online dating sites struggled with cat rapists. “There’s a lot of men out there who start online dating profiles as a false pretence for their kitty thirst,” says sexologist Ross Sesvrai. “They’re not there to meet women, but to meet their emotionally and sexually vulnerable pets. A lot of experts have been arguing for years that online dating sites need to do something about this kitty business, and I’m hoping the attention that this case gets will force them to invest money to prevent future crimes against cats. Until then, if you own a cat, don’t mention it on your dating profile.”

Ravers across the planet are organizing the world’s first snort-in, a protest where activists snort cocaine — all in an effort to show solidarity with the Columbian refugees being turned away at the American border. “Borders aren’t real, but Columbian white snow sure as hell is,” says coke enthusiast and human rights activist Charlie Doge. “As long as the Trump administration insists on putting borders before people, me and my buddies are going to snort cocaine in an act of public defiance. This isn’t about getting high, it’s about civil disobedience and resisting the the tyranny of walls, the tyranny of white racism, the tyranny of ethnic insularity.”

Charlie, the brainchild behind the snort-in, says that the idea came for him one night while he was enjoying an eight ball of pure white pleasure in the back alley of his local pornographic movie theatre. “I was just there, contemplating the meaning of it all, when I realized… It isn’t fair that I get to enjoy Columbian cocaine in the USA while the people of Columbia aren’t even allowed across the border. It’s easier to get coke into this country than it is to get people into this country. That’s messed up.”

That insight inspired him to go on a five hundred tweet rampage on Twitter, a website that’s incredibly popular with trust fund kids who pretend to be journalists. His tweets caught the eye of Dino Johnson, the editor in chief of the billion dollar left wing media behemoth NullVirtue. NullVirtue, which is partly owned by some of the world’s most notorious neoliberal oligarchs, threw its support behind Charlie, and helped turn his twitter phantasm into reality.

“Thanks to the help of a billion dollar corporation and its army of trust fund journalists, me and a bunch of ravers are going to snort cocaine for justice next week,” says Charlie. “We’re going to get high for a cause, and hopefully we’ll convince a few people that it’s time we got rid of borders and embraced a world without walls.”

A Toronto rave promoter ruined his chance to sleep with a beautiful young lady this Friday when he offered her money in return for sex. “I was going to sleep with him originally,” says Tina LaBelle. “Why else would I have agreed to go to his place at 5 am after a night of partying? But then he had to go and ruin things by telling me he’d give me $1500 for lifting up my skirt and bending over. It was so awkward. I would have fucked him for free, but the moment he took out his wallet, I just wanted to get out of there.”

Experiences like Tina’s pay-for-play mishap are on the rise as an increasing number of young men choose to replace foreplay for fat stacks of cash. Sexologist David Gingerman blames this new development on the increasingly fast paced nature of capitalist society. “Men no longer have the patience for foreplay,” says David. “Now they just want to skip it entirely, and they think the best way to do this is by throwing money at women. They’d rather buy intimacy than build it up.”

A recent study by the Manhattan Institute for Sexual Fulfilment shows that over 45% of men under 30 would rather just offer a woman $200 for a blowjob than take her out on a date to slowly cultivate enough intimacy and sexual chemistry for oral sex to happen organically. “This is the swipe-right, next day shipping culture in full bloom,” says David. “Men have become impatient. They want what they want and they want it now, and they’re willing to offer gold coins in exchange for good coitus — at least if it saves them time. Unfortunately, not all women are down with this new exchange economy, and this disconnect means that some men who are about to get free sex don’t realize it, so they end up getting no sex at all. Remember boys, don’t offer her money until you’re sure she isn’t offering it to you for free.”

Many debates have captivated the public’s attention for centuries. What came first, the chicken or the egg? What happened before the Big Bang? Does God exist? There are so many mysteries in the world, but none of them have had quite the longevity of the controversial folk belief that regular fist fighting is the key to romantic bliss.

“People have been arguing about this for millennia,” says Dr. Chase Kudepoin of the Martial Romance Institute. “It’s one of those issues that no one has ever settled — until now. My team of researchers have spent the last several years investigating couples around the world, measuring both the level of violence and sexual satisfaction in their relationships. We’ve interviewed over fifty thousand couples across one hundred countries. This is the largest study of its kind, and the results are conclusive: couples that beat the shit out of each other regularly are more likely to experience deep sexual satisfaction. And that’s not all — they’re more likely to have healthy, happy children, and they’re less likely to get divorced. A lot of positive things are correlated with romantic fist fighting.”

Dr. Kudepoin does caution that romantic violence needs to be reciprocal in order for couples to benefit from it. “It turns out that egalitarian violence is a solid predictor of increased sexual satisfaction,” says Dr. Kudepoin. “The same isn’t true, however, if the violence is one sided. Those relationships tend to be short lived. The moral of the story is that if you want to benefit from domestic violence, you both have to engage in it in equal measures. Love that’s a boxing match between equals is good for the loins, while love that’s a one-sided beat down is not.”

Rave promoter Edith Edinburg, a 23 year old London native, was caught stealing food from a charity food drive the she herself organized. “She threw this big “feed the poor” themed rave, asking people to donate food and money for a good cause — but then she kept everything for herself,” says party kid Lester Leningrad. “We all thought we were doing something good, something that would make the world a better place! In the end though, all we did was stock Edith’s cupboards with a years worth of canned food.”



Over two hundred ravers attended Edith’s charity event, which she had delightfully titled “Don’t Be A Whore — Feed The Poor”. The party attracted a small army of good samaritan party kids who donated over a literal ton of food, clothing, and toys. “I volunteered for the party, and we ended up getting over a thousand cans of food, a hundred bags of assorted beans and legumes, and at least two dozen cases of energy drinks” says 19 year old Lynn Canthrope. “That doesn’t even touch on any of the toys and clothing we got. When I found out that Edith simply drove home with all the goods that were donated, I was completely crushed. How could someone do something like that?!”

This isn’t the first time that a rave promoter has organized a fake charity drive. “Most rave promoters are bad people,” says police detective Simon Minsinson. “That’s why you should always be suspicious when a rave promoter says they’re doing something good for the community. That’s like a serial killer saying he wants to save lives or a capitalist saying he wants to liberate the working class. You need to use a bit of common sense.“

Chipwizz, the world’s first incel rave, will soon rock the beaches of Vancouver with a chiptune lineup sure to make angry virgins forget their rage for at least an evening. The controversial pro-incel party was the brainchild of Todd Donun, a 24 year old party promoter and involuntarily celibate man from Burnaby.

“Incels get a bad rap,” says Todd, “and they don’t deserve it. I wanted to throw an event that celebrated the incel community, an event that said that even though everyone hates us, we can love ourselves. And what better way to express our self-love than by dancing to chiptune tracks, the official music genre of the incel community?”

Many incels share this view. “I can’t wait for Chipwizz,” says Vlad Vladostov, a 34 year old chiptune DJ and incel advocate from Seattle. “In a lot of ways, this event isn’t just a coming out party for incels, but also a coming out party for the chiptune community. It’s a way of letting the world know that not only are incels great, but we're the ones responsible for chiptune music. It’s a little known fact, but over 85% of chiptune artists are incels. If psytrance is the music of degenerate hippies, and vaporwave is the music of cyber-fascists, and happy hardcore is the music of creepy old men who hang outside of schools looking at children with binoculars, then chiptune is the music of unwanted and involuntarily celibate men and women. And that’s something that people need to know. We use our suffering to create beautiful music."

Todd agrees. “Chiptune music is an incel art form, and no one realizes that — and that needs to change. People will continue to fear incels if all they know about us is that we want Western civilization to collapse because we can’t get laid,” says Todd. “Incels are more than just sex starved reactionaries, though. We’re also passionate creators of nostalgia based 8-bit techno music. And if people get to know that side of our community, maybe they won’t be afraid of us so much -- maybe they'll even go down on a few of us. I think that'd be pretty cool.”

A Montreal mother was arrested over the weekend for pimping out her daughter at a trap party. Promoter Kyle Hyah says he contacted police shortly after the woman and her daughter arrived at his event. “I had heard rumours about this lady renting her daughter out at trap parties, and I was furious that nothing had been done about it,” says Kyle. “I don’t usually throw trap events. I’m more of a happy hardcore guy, which is perhaps the most nuance and aesthetically developed music genre in existence. Anyways, since the trap community refused to put a stop to this mother’s abuse, I organized a party knowing she’d attend it so that I could call the cops on her once she showed up.”

Kyle’s actions are being praised by many trap fans, however he’s made lifelong enemies of several of Montreal’s trap promoters. Chad Jenkins, who has has thrown dozens of trap events over the last two years, says that snitches deserve stitches. “That moron Kyle went and ruined a good thing,” says Chad. “Prostitution shouldn’t be crime. Besides, if it wasn’t the mama pimping her out, it’d be some thug. Kyle didn’t save that girl from a life of whoring, he just ensured she’ll be working with someone who won’t be as gentle as her mama. Worst of all, now the trap community has one less thot at its events. That’s a damn shame and it’s all Kyle’s fault.”

Kyle doesn’t care about the enmity he’s earned. “I really hope the daughter doesn’t return to a life of prostitution, but if she does, I’ll just have to catch her next pimp the way I caught her mom.”

Woof Woof Palooza, a pitbull themed party organized by Toronto promoter Garth Fielderson, ended in tragedy after dozens of ravers were mauled by dogs. The event was billed as a pet lovers dream come true, and ravers who brought their pitbulls could attend for free. “It was supposed to be an opportunity for pit mommies and daddies to meet, network, and celebrate their love of pitbulls,” says attendee Jenna Plauteserré, “instead, it turned into a bloodbath of violence and regret.”

Police have arrested Mr. Fielderson on several charges, including animal cruelty and criminal negligence. That’s only the beginning of his legal woes, as many party goers are lining up to sue the promoter for damages. “Pitbulls are the some of the safest, nicest dogs in the world,” says Jenna. “The fact that so many of them went crazy and started biting people at this party suggests that the promoter failed to create a safe environment for them.”

Animal rights activist Brad Day agrees. “Let’s be brutally honest — raves are dangerous places for animals,” says Brad. “You shouldn’t lock a bunch of pitbulls in a room full of drug addled party kids. It’s a recipe for disaster. The dogs will be incredibly anxious, and in their anxiety they’ll end up doing what they have to do to make themselves feel better. In this case, the pitbulls decided to maul a bunch of ravers. Who can blame them? It’s a completely predictable response. I’m baffled that anyone thought a pitbull rave was a good idea.”

Police have arrested raver Charlotte Boucher in the death of her boyfriend Donald Goudebon. She allegedly killed him, cooked him, and then served his remains at a family BBQ. “Our hearts go out to the Goudebon family,” says Sgt. Roche Salt of the Montreal Police Department. “Donald’s death is a tragic loss, a life cut short in a most horrific manner.”

Cultural anthropologist Keith Dickson claims that while Donald’s death may be gruesome to mainstream sensibilities, it fits perfectly within the moral and cultural architecture of the rave community. “It’s not uncommon for ravers to kill, cook, and then eat their lovers,” says Keith. “Ritualistic cannibalism has a long and storied history among ravers. The practice originated in the United Kingdom during the Thatcher era. This was a traumatic time when neoliberalism was tearing communities apart. Ravers coped with Thatcherism by sublimating their economic anxiety through erotic nihilism. British ravers developed a form of cannibalistic courtship that continues to this day, and this practice eventually spread to the international EDM community. It might seem barbaric to our eyes, but it’s not our place to criticize ravers.”

Keith may not believe that raver cannibalism is inherently evil, but he is surprised by at least one aspect of Donald’s death. “Raver cannibalism is traditionally a solemn affair between two lovers -- it’s the culmination of their courtship,” says Keith. “The fact that Ms. Boucher included others in her man eating ceremony is a sign that rave culture continues to evolve in new and unexpected ways. It’s only a matter of time before this new form of raver cannibalism spreads to the rest of the EDM community. I think in the next few years, you’ll see more and more ravers surreptitiously feeding their friends and families human meat. That’s something to keep in mind the next time a raver invites yo

DJ Goapuppy, an up and coming psytrance star, made light of a horrific car crash he survived by loudly screaming “I AM GROOT!” at the paramedics who were treating him. The DJ’s body had been pierced by a massive tree branch after he was thrown out of his car while speeding down a rural road in Quebec’s Eastern Townships. DJ Goapuppy kept paramedics amused by pretending to be Marvel Comic’s sentient arboreal alien character Groot, a giant talking tree.

“Being impaled by a tree isn’t funny,” says DJ Goapuppy, “but I couldn’t help joke about my situation. There was I was on the ground, bleeding my guts out, and all I could think about was how I probably looked like some weird mutant half-man, half-tree creature.” The DJ says he found himself disassociating from his own body in an order to cope with the excruciating pain he was in. “Pretending to be Groot kept my sanity in check. It also turned a traumatic experience into something slightly more tolerable.”

The paramedics were impressed with the DJs levity. “It’s not often that you find someone joking about being mutilated by a tree,” says first responder Kyle Manson. “DJ Goapuppy was a real trooper. He not only survived a horrific car accident, he turned it into acomedy routine that he’ll be able to use to pick up women for years to come.”

The DJ agreed. “I am totally getting laid by sharing this story with nerdy women. I’ll show them my scars and tell them all about the time I got serious about cosplaying as Groot. I’ll be irresistible at comic-con.”

Promoters for The Happiest Party Ever, a happy hardcore rave that boasted a lineup of over a dozen DJs, were disappointed after only one paying customer attended their event. “I’m absolutely devastated by this outcome,” says organizer John Booth. “It feels like I was shot right in the heart.” His business partner Thierry Divine agrees. “We invested over fifteen thousand dollars in this party, booked a bunch of incredibly talented DJs, and splurged on a top of the line sound system. The decorations were out of this world, the venue was impeccable. This party could have been something special, but in the end, no one cared enough to show up.”

Alice Lincoln, the sole raver who bothered to attend, said she had a great time despite the fact that she was the only person on the dance floor. “It was like they had hired all of these DJs just for me,” says Alice. “I felt like a Queen. I was the centre of the world for one special night. I’m sad that no one else was there to share in the experience, but I’ll always remember The Happiest Party Ever as one of the most amazing nights of my life.”

Rival promoter Todd Rodderson, who specializes in terrorcore events, says he’s not surprised that The Happiest Party Ever flopped. “No one listens to happy hardcore,” says Todd. “Happy Hardcore wasn’t even popular back in the nineties, when it originated. And everyone who used to listen to it back then pretends that they never did. They’re too embarrassed by their old taste in music. Hell, I’ve heard of people being fired for liking happy hardcore. Listening to happy hardcore is only slightly above racist Roseanne Barr tweets in terms of social acceptability. People won’t look at you like a bigot if you’re a happy hardcore enthusiast, but they will look at you like you’re a socially awkward weirdo. They’ll wonder about your mental health and your emotional wellbeing. They certainly won’t want to be around you.”

The citizens of Wichtopi, a small village of three hundred people hidden away in the valleys of Minnesota, have had it with ravers. The pestilent party goers had been camping out on the outskirts of the village near Reverend McMullin’s dairy farm, blasting loud and obnoxiously repetitive techno music that had traumatized his cows and caused at least one goat to die of a heart attack. The ravers antics got so bad that Mayor Godwick Bogart decided his only option was to form an angry mob of villages to chase them out of town.

“We Minnesotans are a tolerant people, but even we have our limits,” says Mayor Bogart. “These ravers came to our village and abused our hospitality. They spat on our kindness and our consideration, they took advantage of our good nature, and they abused our openness of heart. They squatted on our lands, they ate our crops, they publicly defecated on our streets! And most importantly, they kept playing that terrible beep beep boop bop music, that so-called techno. We asked them to leave and they didn’t, so we gathered our pitchforks and we lit our torches and we made them leave.”

Once the area by Reverend McMullin’s farm was cleared of ravers, the mob held an impromptu picnic in celebration of their victory over the heathen degenerates that had despoiled their quaint and quiet little village. The ravers were last seen driving towards Saint Paul in their torched out fluorescent pink school bus.

A shocking report by The Urban Metrics Institute was released on Thursday that claims that over sixty five percent of recent female high school graduates supplement their income through cam girl shows. “Our jaws dropped when we started crunching the numbers,” says lead researcher Ray Nouvel. “We interviewed over five thousand 18 year old female high school graduates, and discovered that over three thousand of them have worked as cam girls at least once over the last twelve months. Those numbers are terrifying. This means that when you’re walking down the street, a majority of the young women you see are sex workers.”

The researchers are at a loss to explain why so many of these teenage girls have chosen to work in pornography. “The economy’s better than it’s been in quite some time, so money’s not the main culprit for this explosion in perversity and moral degeneracy,” says Ray. “Something else is at work. Is it the internet that’s shredding what’s left of female modesty? Are our schools becoming training grounds for prostitutes? Is this happening because of climate change? No one knows.”

Tyler Cotton, a 19 year old cam girl from Saskatoon, says that she started doing shows for emotional and spiritual validation. “My life feels meaningless,” says Tyler. “Stripping for strangers over the internet helps me remember that I’m alive, that I’m wanted, that I actually matter on some dehumanizing, utterly soul-crushing level. I mean, it’s not the most noble job in the world, but I feel so spiritually and socially impoverished that I’ll take what I can get.”

A drunk police officer who was getting his groove on at a Montreal rave is in serious trouble after his dance moves lead to the accidental shooting of 19 year old Westmount resident Theresa Lemay. The officer’s firearm tumbled to the ground after he did a somersault when the DJ started playing Blackout Crew’s “Put A Donk On It”. This resulted in his gun sending a bullet into Ms. Lemay’s arm.

The officer quickly picked up his gun after it was discharged, and tried to nonchalantly leave the party, but his partner restrained him. He is currently facing a disciplinary hearing while his superiors decide if they should press charges against him. That decision could come as soon as next week.

Ms. Lemay is expected to make a full recovery according to the Montreal Police. In a statement, the Urban Dance Patrol division of the SPVM said that their police officer “was not following protocol. His actions are not in line with what we expect from our police officer, and we will be taking measures to ensure that such an event never repeats itself. The UDP exists to protect Montreal’s nightlife, not to shoot it up.”

Montreal DJ Dunkadonk, who was playing at the event where the firing took place, says it’s the first time he ever saw an officer shoot a raver. “It traumatized me,” says the DJ. “I’m going to have nightmares of people getting shot whenever I play Donk music from now on. That police officer ruined my music career.”

Erin Nico, a 45 year old single mother from Etobicoke, was arrested this week for running a multi-million dollar drug ring from her two story home. “A lot of people get involved in the drug trade, but it’s not often that we find affluent soccer moms running operations of this size,” says Sgt. Lena Lovelace of the Toronto Police Force. “This was a very large bust. We seized over twenty million dollars worth of meth, and even more in cash. Ms. Lovelace played a large role in supplying the city of Toronto with this drug, and now that we’ve dismantled her operation, the city will be a much safer place.”

The police had been investigating Ms. Nico ever since she got into a physical altercation over a toy drive at her daughter’s school. “There was a brawl that she was involved in at Saint Lisa High School during a charity event,” says Sgt. Lovelace. “The police were called, but when they arrived no one was willing to talk about what had happened. That raised our suspicions that something less than kosher was going on.”

It wasn’t long before police realized that Ms. Nico had been using charity toy drives to smuggle and sell drugs. “She would buy thousands of teddy bears for these charity fundraisers, and ship them all across the country,” says Sgt. Lovelace. “Her teddy bear deliveries would always include a few crates of bears that were stuffed with crystal meth. We still don’t know what started the brawl at her daughter’s high school, but if it had never happened, we probably wouldn’t have discovered her operation.”

A Kingston DJ was arrested over the weekend after police caught him trying to trade his girlfriend for fifteen grams of ketamine. “We had undercover agents at a party the suspect was playing at, and our officers moved in when they realized what he was trying to do,” says Sgt. Belfast of the Greater Kingston Police Force. “The DJ put up no resistant and his girlfriend is safe and sound.”

Kingston rave promoter Ted Ruckspin says that it’s not the first time a local DJ has tried to trade a human being for ketamine. “It happens at least once a month,” says Ted. “Sometimes it even happens twice. Kingston has a pretty rotten rave culture, and the DJs here are in the habit of trading people for drugs. Usually their girlfriends, but sometimes it’ll be their grandparents. I remember once when a DJ tried trading his grandmother for an eight ball of cocaine. It’s messed up.”

The police say that they’ll be upping their presence in the city’s rave scene in order to dissuade DJs from human trafficking. “As long as the rave scene tolerates DJs that treat human beings as commodities, they can expect a heavy police presence at their parties,” says Sgt. Belfast. “If they don’t want us riding their asses, then they need to put an end to human trafficking at their events. People shouldn’t be traded for drugs. It’s pretty simple. Don’t trade your girlfriend, your brother, your uncle or anyone else for cocaine or meth or whatever. Just don’t do it.”

Adult diapers are the new fashion trend that’s taking Brooklyn by storm — and leaving the rest of the world scratching its head. You can’t walk down two blocks in the homeland of hipsterdom without finding half a dozen people strutting around in diapers. “Forget Supreme, Pendleton, or Upstate,” says fashion maven Deloris Filbad, “the real style czars are Depends, Equate, and Tena. If you want to look cool in Brooklyn, you’ve got to trade in your jeans and skirts for some fashionable adult diapers.”

Brooklynite Levi Madsen enthusiastically agrees. “I used to be a total loser,” says Levi. “But then I started wearing adult diapers around town, and now women and men can’t keep their hands off me. I’ve never been this popular in my entire life. It’s amazing” Levi isn’t the only one who has seen their social lives benefit from the adult diaper fad. Darlene Ambient, a 24 year old gymnast from Williamsburg, says that ever since she’s joined the adult diaper crowd, her social life has been a non stop party. “When you walk around in public in diapers, everyone wants to be your friend,” says Darlene. “My phone won’t stop ringing with people who want to sleep with me. It’s weird.”

Fashion gurus outside of Brooklyn are baffled by the trend, but believe it’s only a matter of time before the rest of the world decides to join in the piss absorbing fun. “Aesthetically, I don’t find diapers all that interesting from a fashion standpoint,” says famed fashion designer Leonardo Guccabini, “culturally, they’re revolutionary. That’s why I’ll be working very hard to create an aesthetically pleasing adult diaper that will better reflect its value as an instrument of cultural subversion. Keep your eyes out for my next fashion show, it’s going to be a real stinker.”

Nearly a quarter of young Americans have a sexual fetish involving Pokémon characters claims a new report published by Urban Measures, a polling and research firm based in Idaho. “We polled over three thousand young people between the ages of 16 to 25 about their sexuality,” says lead researcher Dr. Kal Ketchim. “It was a comprehensive survey, and while we discovered many things about the current sexual mores of Generation Z and younger millennials, none of our discoveries stood out as much as the popularity of poképhilia. That’s the term we use for someone who is sexually attracted to pocket monsters, or more commonly known as pokémon.”

Urban Measures ran a similar poll back in 2008, where poképhilia barely registered. “Something has happened over the last ten years that has lead to a huge increase in sexualizing pokémon characters,” says Dr. Ketchim. “I’m not sure what this says about society, but I do know that you have a lot of people out there right now having pokémon themed sexual congress.”

Paris Aliba, a twenty two year old university student from New York City, is one of those poképhile. “I can’t orgasm unless I’m dressed as Pikachu,” says Paris. “It’s the only thing that can get me off. I want to scream pika, pika, pika over and over again while my lover is inside of me. I want to volt tackle my man and grab his lightning rod. I want to shock him with a violet wand while he tries to capture me with his pokeballs. If I can’t have any of that, then the sex just isn’t worth it for me.”

Sexologist Paul Midan says that while poképhilia may seem strange to older people, it’s nothing to worry about. “Sexual fetishes evolve over time, just like pokémon do,” says Paul. “Right now, a lot of young adults like sexualizing the pop culture products that they grew up on. So what. It’s not a big deal.”

Doctors across Canada are sounding the alarm after a 19 year old Toronto woman died over the weekend when she injected heroin directly into her nipples. “Nipple injections are becoming very popular with teenagers,” says Dr. Faisal Desdrog, a substance abuse specialist. “The high you get from taking drugs through your nipples is a lot more intense and a lot more exciting than what you might get through more traditional consumption techniques. Unfortunately, that intensity comes at a price — namely, nipple injections are much less safe.”

Dr. Desdrog says that over fifty young Canadians have died so far this year as a result of this formerly obscure technique. “The internet is spreading awareness of nipple injections. Video sharing sites have played a huge role in popularizing the practice with teenagers ,” says Dr. Desdrog. “There’s an entire subculture that’s growing up around it. Fewer young people are smoking marijuana, or drinking beer — they view it as dorky, like something old people do. Heroin nipple injections though? That’s edgy, it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s not something their parents ever did. So they’re embracing it.”

According to new research by The Urban Measuring Institute, teenagers are now more likely to stick a needle in their nipples than they are to smoke a joint. “A lot of parents are still operating as if it’s 1995, but this is the new millennium. Drug use has changed, and we as a society need to acknowledge that before it’s too late. How many more children are going to die from nipple injections before we do something about it?”

Oswald Gurney, a sixty five year old hippie from Longueil, has filed a complaint with the Quebec Human Rights committee after he was expelled from Goapaluza, a psytrance party organized by the Groku Collective. “This is a clear case of age based discrimination,” says Oswald. “They kicked me out of their party because they thought I was too old for the event. I have been attending raves for decades, and I find it baffling that younger psytrance promoters think it’s okay to ban old people from their events. What ever happened to PLUR?”

The case will be heard by the committee later this summer. Kitty Diddler, spokesperson for the Groku Collective, says that their decision to exclude older people from their parties was taken in order to ensure the safety of younger party goers. “Unfortunately, baby boomers who came of ages in the 60s and 70s have cultural values that many younger ravers find deeply offensive, even dangerous,” says Kitty. “In order to protect the sexual and moral integrity of our guests, we felt it was necessary to ban old people from our events. We stand by our decision. It’s not our fault that baby boomers are bad people.”

Oswald is baffled by The Groku Collective’s intolerance. “They go around pointing their fingers calling others bad people, meanwhile they’re imposing a blanket ban on an entire generation,” says Oswald. “It’s one thing to ban someone for their actions, but my only crime was being old enough to remember the glory days of raving. I’m tired of living in a society where baby boomers are marginalized by intolerant millennials.”

Oswald has organized a protest in front of the Groku Collective’s office scheduled for later this week. “I won’t take this sitting down. I’ve called dozens of old folks homes and retirement communities. Hundreds of us old people will be outside the Groku Collective’s doors, fighting for our right to party. Raving isn’t just for young kids!”

Godfrey Goshwitz, the owner of Toronto’s Maple Mammaries strip club, has come under fire for bringing his eight year old daughter to work. “It was bring your kid to work day at school,” says Godfrey. “So I did exactly that. I’m not sure why everyone is making a big deal about it. Strip clubs are perfectly legal, it’s not like I had her dance around the pole or gave her shots of whiskey. She was just there shadowing me as I managed the club. Nothing happened that was salacious or dangerous, unless you consider book keeping, accounting, and managing a business to be child abuse.”

Child welfare advocates disagree, and are calling on the government to intervene. “Anyone who is dumb enough to bring an eight year old child to a strip club should not be allowed around children,” says Peggie Danslecu, a retired social worker who now spends her days complaining about men on Twitter. “Mr. Goshwitz isn’t fit to be a father. His daughter should be taken from him and handed out to the foster care system.”

Godfrey thinks the controversy is overblown. “Look, if my actions were wrong, then my daughter’s school should have clearly stated that certain places of employment were unsuitable for children,” says Godfrey. “They didn’t. If anyone should be censured or punished for this, it should be her school. However, I don’t think any one was in the wrong, because in our enlightened times strip clubs have become suitable environments for people of all ages.”

Vancouver’s DJ Dafug was arrested over the weekend after he was caught sexually violating a pitbull outside of a rave. Police say that the dog, named Goodboy, was owned by Rob Tall, the party’s promoter. “Apparently, DJ Dafug was upset about being short changed by Mr. Stall. DJ Dafug was high on meth, and for whatever reason, he decided to get revenge on the promoter by sexually violating his dog,” says Sgt. Emma Phun of the Vancouver police department.

Rob was severely traumatized upon learning what happened to his dog. “Who does that? Who decides to have sex with a pitbull in public? That’s just vile man,” says Rob. “Yeah, sure, I didn’t pay him what I said I would for playing at my party, but that doesn’t give him the right to have sex with my dog. I don’t even understand how someone goes from ‘that guy owes me money’ to ‘I’ll fuck his dog’. How are those two things connected? What’s the logic? I mean, even the fact that he was on meth doesn’t explain it. There’s a lot of meth heads out there and most of them aren’t having sex with dogs.”

Meth expert Dr. Phil Tresvite agrees. “I have worked with a lot of meth users, and most of them don’t have sex with dogs,” says Dr. Tresvite. “Whatever compelled DJ Dafug to have sex with Goodboy, it wasn’t meth.”

The federal liberals are celebrating a big victory for gender equality as young men flock by the tens of thousands to join the ranks of Canadian prostitutes. “Nearly 30% of all Canadian escorts are now men, that’s a huge increase in male representation in the field,” says Liberal policy analyst Jan Barth. ”We’re still a long, long way from social parity, but these numbers show that there’s a huge cultural transformation underway in our society. Now men and women are both willing to commodify their bodies and rent them out to the highest bidder. This goes to show you that capitalism can be woke, it can be feminist, and it can be gender neutral.”

Male whore Nathan Senbon agrees. “I’m a proud feminist capitalist,” says Nathan. “I believe that becoming a prostitute is a radical way of both challenging gender norms and affirming the supremacy of capitalist morality,” says Nathan. “Nothing turns me on more than helping contribute to a neoliberal culture that reduces everything to money. I am a walking human resource, an orifice with legs splayed for the wellbeing of our globalized economy. It’s awesome!”

Jan believes that as neoliberalism continues it’s war of conquest against the remaining cultures of the world, full gender parity in sex work will eventually be realized. “Soon, we’ll all be whores,” says Jan. “No exceptions! The fact that more and more men are becoming escorts is just the tip of the iceberg. I envision a future where prostitution is such a mundane part of our existence, that everyone engages in it a little bit everyday. In this brave new world, everyone will be for sale.”

New York’s legendary Grand Tardigrade, a dance club opened in 1995 by eccentric billionaire Max Gadiga, has announced a new entrance policy that some worry may one day become an American norm: you can only enter his venue after having your DNA screened for a variety of anti-social genetic markers.

“My club is going to pioneer the future of partying,” says Max. “Our current policy is just a test run for a broader business strategy. Right now, we just want to keep out people with bad genes, but in the future we want to organize events that cater to people with specific genetic profiles. You’ve heard of personalized medicine, I want the public to start thinking about personalized dance parties. Imagine going to a club where everyone has been chosen for maximum genetic compatibility. It’s assortative mating on steroids, and if it works, it’s going to be amazing.”

Civil rights activists are already preparing challenges for the new policy, but Max is undeterred. “Even if they manage to shut The Grand Tardigrade down, they won’t be able to stop me from building clubs across the planet. I’m going to establish a worldwide network of venues that use genetic screening technologies to choose their clientele. Activists might succeed in pushing my clubs out of the west, but good luck doing that in Asia or Eastern Europe. A lot of non-western countries are friendly to eugenics, and those that aren’t are pretty friendly to fat stacks of money. One way or another, I’ll turn my vision of using genetics to create the perfect dance party into reality.”

Salvio Anhero is a 24 year old machinist turned pick-up artist who has made a name for himself as a result of his unusual, and many would say unethical, dating advice. “If you pretend to be suicidal, women will throw themselves at you,” says Salvio. “I first realized this after accidentally cutting myself on the job. I was working on a construction site and a piece of metal slashed my wrist. I had to spend a week with a bandage around the cut, which is when I noticed all these women smiling at me wherever I went. Some of them would even approach me and start conversations, which never used to happen. It took awhile for me to realize that I was receiving this treatment because my bandage made it look like I had tried to kill myself. This was my a-ha moment. Women love self-destructive men.”

The young machinist turned his insight into a dating advice empire. “Once I realized that women went out of their way to talk to me if they thought I was suicidal, I started pretending that I was a depressive emotional mess all the time,” says Salvio. “I wore a bandage around my wrist wherever I went, and then when women would talk to me, I’d shift our conversation to how sex was the only thing keeping me alive.”

Salvio spent a year perfecting his pick up artist skills, eventually launching SuicidalPussyMagnet.com, a website where he teaches men how to get laid by using what he calls “suicide game”. That’s a set of so-called flirting techniques that involve convincing women that you are mentally ill and one of the only things that’ll stop you from blowing your brains out is a blow job.

“Do you know what the best pick-up line in the world is?” asks Salvio. “I want to kill myself. Say these five magic words to a random woman on the street, and her panties will drop faster than you can say Justin Bieber. Make sure you point to your bandage while telling her you’re suicidal. That will get her extra excited.”

Salvio has earned many enemies with his website, especially among the mental health community. Dr. Rael Serieux of the You Matter A Lot Foundation was an early critic. “Suicide isn’t the kind of thing you should take lightly,” says Dr. Serieux. “Treating it like it’s a joke or a pick-up routine is tacky and in poor taste. I hope vulnerable people who stumble across this heinous man’s work realize that life is important, and that no matter how dark things get, things will get better. Reach out and get help. I hope that we, as a society, will eventually make it impossible for men like Salvio Anhero to profit off suicide.”

The Canadian Union of Education Professionals has come under fire after releasing a report this week that suggests that teachers should have the right to sell drugs to their students. CUEP president Donald Highstone has downplayed the furor, stating that history will side with the report’s findings.

“We live in an increasingly progressive era,” says Donald. “The arc of history bends towards greater access to drugs. Once drug use becomes normalized, we’ll be confronted with creating a drug culture that enables and empowers children, that teaches them about the possibilities and dangers of altering their state of mind through exogenous means. We believe that educators must be front and centre in creating a new and enlightened culture of drug use.”

Donald claims that parents will see the wisdom in turning teachers into drug dealers. “Who would you prefer your child get their cocaine or heroin from — a random street urchin with ties to biker gangs or a biology teacher? Simply put, we believe that children should be initiated into drug use in a supervised setting by trained professionals. The full legalization of all drugs will radically transform society and our educational system needs to prepare for this eventuality. We’re not suggesting that teachers start handing out eight balls to their students right away, but we are saying that we need to develop protocols and social norms in order to create a drug culture that is safe, sane, and responsible.”

Many parents vociferously disagree with the CUEP’s drug culture agenda. “It used to be that you sent your children to school to prepare them for adulthood,” says homeschooler Angela Dustovich, “but now schools are crazy people factories. Instead of preparing children for the real world, they’re teaching children to be completely unmoored from reality. Teachers giving cocaine to students is just another sign of the deep social rot at the heart of our educational system.”

Internet nihilists have spent the weekend crowing over the sudden burst in popularity of overdose parties, suicidal events that they have long tried to meme into existence. They finally succeeded, as over two hundred people across ten different cities died on Saturday after attending these drug fuelled engines of self-annihilation. “I am so happy that people are finally coming around to my world view,” says 24 year old nihilist Denis Rien. “Life is a joke. What’s the difference between dying and living, between experiencing meaningless events and not experiencing them? None of this matters. Overdose parties are perfect reflections of how pointless everything is. I can’t wait to die in a futile cocaine powered haze.”

Memologist Vira Lemieux of the New York Institute For Scientific Reasoning believes that these parties will increase in popularity as time goes on. “These are basically suicide pacts on steroids,” says Vira. “The events consist of gatherings of ten or more people who keep consuming a variety of drugs until their bodies simply stop working. It turns suicide into a group activity that’s cool and hip. It’s transition from an internet joke to a real activity is worrisome. The cat is out of the bag now. There’s no going back. Overdose parties are here to stay.”

Vira thinks that the internet is largely to blame for the existence of these destructive events. “The internet has a way of stripping the world of meaning. The more time people spend online, the more likely they want to kill themselves,” says Vira. “I think it was inevitable that heavy internet users would start binging on drugs like death crazed demon worshippers. If anything, I’m surprised that it took this long for it to happen.”

A spike in teenage pregnancies has been blamed on unisex bathrooms by a coalition of faith based organizations. The Alliance for Moral Purity, an umbrella group of over fifty religious charities, recently published a report that claims to show gender inclusive bathrooms are to blame for the recent rise in teenage motherhood.

“When you allow young men and women to use the same washroom, you are tacitly encouraging them to engage in promiscuous behaviour,” says Ingrid Cellac, the report’s lead author. “You create opportunities for the underage to partake in carnal explorations that can lead to pregnancy, to bastard children born out of wedlock, and worst of all to the corruption of youthful souls who will find themselves damned in the after life, forever trapped in a fiery inferno of pain and suffering.”

Marvin Magdaline, founder of the Celebrate Celibacy Network, says that the report shows how out of touch the Canadian government is when it comes to sexuality. “The numbers don’t lie,” says Marvin. “When schools let young men and women share the same bathrooms, you give them permission to trade their bodily fluids with each other on public property. In effect, the government is turning our children into sex crazed whores who are allergic to modesty and temperate behaviour.”

Ingrid agrees. “Our schools have become brothels that celebrate whoredom,” says Ingrid. “Your average high school teacher is nothing more than a prostitute who is more concerned with turning their wards into fellow degenerates than they are in arming the next generation with the morals and values necessary to lead productive, godly lives as upstanding citizens. We live in a sick country, full of sick people, engaged in sick behaviour.”

The vast majority of female ravers have had sex with at least one drug dealer claims a new study released by the Montreal Institute for Urban Dance. Lead researcher Dr. John Johnson says the results surprised even him. “My team interviewed three thousand ravers across Canada over the last year. Our results are incontrovertible. Eighty five percent of women who have attended at least five raves have had sex with a drug dealer. Sixty percent have had sex with at least two drug dealers, and a shocking thirty five percent have had sex with at least a dozen drug dealers.”

Dr. Johnson says that his research on female mating habits within the rave community will help public health officials track future outbreaks of STDs. “This study shows that drug dealers might be important vectors for the spread contagious diseases,” says Dr. Johnson. “When you take the sheer amount of women that drug dealers are having sex with, and the very tiny pool of drug dealers that exists in any given city, it’s obvious that a lot of women are having sex with just a few men. This poses a public health risk, and while further research is needed, I wouldn’t be surprised if drug dealers are responsible for up to 20% of chlamydia outbreaks.”

Public health officials agree. “It is my professional opinion that drug dealers are making our cities sick,” says Dr. Vlad Tidings of the Montreal Health Bureau. “They’re basically walking biological weapons. Their testicles are tiny little virus bombs spreading filth across the land. Women need to understand that when they have sex with a drug dealer, they’re having sex with a village of other women. It’s time for the government to launch an education initiative that warns women of the dangers of sleeping with drug dealers.”

Toronto police have arrested Tanya Schiftly, a 45 year old Etobicoke woman, for organizing a happy hardcore party where she pimped out her two sons and all their male friends. “Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time that we’ve found parents selling their children at such events,” says Sgt. Henry Desmoines. “So-called happy hardcore parties are frequently used as fronts for prostitution rings. Most happy hardcore promoters are actually pimps, and the majority of men at these events are either johns or hookers. The male prostitutes are usually there against their will. The only men who would ever dance to happy hardcore are either being coerced or they’re being paid. That’s a fact.”

Happy hardcore’s long and sordid history as a hub for male sex trafficking has earned it a great deal of enmity from politicians around the world. It’s gotten so bad that the United Nations has launched the Saving Men From Happy Hardcore Related Prostitution campaign, which aims to raise public awareness of the plight many young males face at the hand of predatory pimps. “Mrs. Schiftly’s actions are simply a symptom of a much larger disease,” says campaign manager Patrick Balala. “The real problem is happy hardcore and the way it’s used by deviants to terrorize young, vulnerable men into sexual servitude. There needs to be a global effort to crush happy hardcore. As long as happy hardcore exists, young men will be at risk of sexual exploitation.”

Henry Portando, a San Francisco native who was rescued from a happy hardcore sex trafficking ring, is working with Mr. Balala on the campaign. “I experienced terrible, terrible things at these happy hardcore parties,” says Mr. Portando. “I was treated like a piece of meat to be used and abused. I was repeatedly molested by happy hardcore DJs, some of whom forced to me to use glowsticks in ways I don’t even want to think about. Happy hardcore is evil, the people who listen to it are immoral, and it’s time we, as a society, put an end to it.”

San Francisco real estate tycoon Jeffrey Lorenza is earning applause across America for his latest slizzurp-centric philanthropic venture. Slizzurp, which also goes by the name lean and purple drank, is an intoxicating beverage made by mixing cough syrup and soda. It has long been popular with the homeless, though in recent years it has become the drink of choice among liberal art graduates, trust fund kids, and New York journalists.

The popularity of the drink among the rich and well-to-do inspired Mr. Lorenza to give back to the community that pioneered the beverage. “I love slizzurp,” says Mr. Lorenza. “And I would never have tasted such a delightful elixir if not for America’s homeless community. That’s why I’m building a fleet of slizzurp dispensing trucks that will scour the streets of America looking for homeless people in desperate need of tasty, affordable high.”

Mr. Lorenza’s slizzurp-mobiles are already a common sight at soup kitchens, homeless, shelters, and Universities in several major American cities. “We’ve got a dozen slizzurp mobiles operating in San Francisco, New York, and Chicago already,” says Mr. Lorenza. “My vision is to have a fleet of ten thousand driverless trucks dispensing slizzurp in every city in America. My venture is currently designing algorithms that measure a city’s homeless population in real time. In a few years, driverless trucks piloted by algorithm will hunt down the homeless to give them slizzzurp. It’s going to be amazing.”

The internet is abuzz after retired Mexican drug capo Duro Contento resurfaced in Ibiza as a happy hardcore DJ. Pictures of the once feared butcher of Andalusia manning a DJ booth while wearing bright pink fun fur pants went viral on social media. Users struggled to make sense of the situation. “Duro Contento went from killing the innocent by the tens of thousands to killing the aesthetic sensibilities of people with good taste in music,” says music critic Horace Boucheron. “I’m not sure which is the greater atrocity, the time Mr. Contento’s thugs brutally raped and murdered an entire bus load of Catholic nuns, or the fact that he’s now subjecting the people of Ibiza to 1990s happy hardcore tracks. This man truly is evil, and it seems his cruelty has only gotten worse with age.”

Mr. Contento is best known for his murderous reign atop the legendary Los Gringos Tontos drug cartel, a multi billion dollar criminal enterprise that once had a monopoly on the North American monosaccharide trade. The American and Mexican government waged a long and bloody battle with the cartel, but were never able to stop it’s activities. In 2008 the organization mysteriously disbanded after Mr. Contento disappeared into the jungles of Mexico. His appearance at last week’s Pene Morbido rave marks the first time anyone has seen him in nearly a decade.

His actions at Pene Morbido only raises more questions, as the notorious capo-turned-DJ quickly vanished after playing his set. Why did he turn his back on organized crime? What has he been up to for ten years? Why has he become a happy hardcore DJ? We might never know the answers to these questions.

The promoters associated with the event are the only people who can shine a light on the mysteries surrounding Mr. Contento, but insist they didn’t know his true identity when they hired him. “He sent us some of his music over email and asked if he could play at our next party,” says organizer Raoul Esfinter. “We liked what he sent us, so we said sure. We don’t look into the backgrounds of our DJs, we didn’t ask any questions, the fact that he was a drug lord was something we only discovered after his picture went viral.”

Many party goers hope that this isn’t the last time we hear from Mr. Contento. “I know it’s terrible that he used to kill people by the thousands,” says 18 year old raver Carla Granbit, “but his set was so amazing that I think it evens out his karma. I really hope he’ll play more parties. We need more DJs like Duro Contento.”

San Francisco is a cultural powerhouse. It’s given the world steam beer, the mission burrito, and aids. It’s most recent contribution to human culture might be the most exciting, however. The men and women of the city by the bay have introduced a fun x-rated twist on the childhood classic game of Hot Potato.

For readers who grew up without friends, the game of hot potato is played by gathering in a circle with others and tossing an object around while a song plays in the background. Whoever is left holding the object at the end of the song loses. In San Francisco’s version of the game, which locals have dubbed Snot Potato, party goers are divided between spectators and players. The goal of the game is for players to place as many penises in their mouth as they can during the course of a single song, sucking on each penis as they move from spectator to spectator. Players who are on the receiving end of a semen explosion are declared Snot Potatos and are eliminated from the next round. The winner of Snot Potato gets to be at the centre of a bukkake ring while everyone chants the word “Cream Dip, Potato Chip!” over and over again.

This is the kind of cultural innovation only possible in a city like San Francisco. Snot Potato is their latest gift to the world, and the popularity of the game is only just beginning to rise. People have already started playing it in Houston, New York City, and Toronto. It’s only a matter of time before every city has an active Snot Potato scene, so get ready for the next big thing.

There’s a new movement afoot that believes the solution to climate change is giving the world a good shag. Literally. Ecosexuals claim that having sex with the planet is the only way to save the environment Thousands of men across the world are dropping their pants and slamming the ground with penises in the hope of healing the earth. Women are also getting into the act by creating phallic mounds out of dirt which they then mount. These practices might seem bizarre or even degenerate to normal people, but ecosexuals claim that by having sex with the planet, they’re helping saving the human race.

Perry Molson, founder of the American Ecosexual Alliance, claims that when humans engage in sexual intercourse with the planet, they unblock so-called planetary ley lines through which the earth’s emotional energies travel. “Climate change is caused by an imbalance in the planet’s chi,” says Mr. Molson. “You can unblock this chi with prodding ley lines your penis or by sucking them up with your vagina. This might sound absurd, but I’ve conducted dozens of studies with my students, and the evidence is conclusive. Mother Gaia is good need of some tender loving, and the more people join us in exploring the planet’s sexual needs and desires, the sooner we can put an end to climate change.”

In fact, it’s not just climate change that ecosexuals believe sexual congress with the planet can fix. “Every single planetary illness is caused by sexual frustration,” says ecosexual Randy Polanyi. “Acid rain, super volcanos, earth quakes, hurricanes, pollution, there’s not a single environmental illness that we can’t fix by fucking the planet good and hard. People might find that hard to believe, but they should keep an open mind. Just give it a shot. Dig a hole in the ground and have sex with it. Worst case scenario, you’ll get a little bit dirty. Best case? You’ll stop a hurricane from forming in the Atlantic.”

The cab industry has long struggled to attract female talent, but a new study coming out of Boston’s Sahne University, promises to change that fact. “We surveyed all the female cab drivers in America looking for things that they shared in common,” says lead researcher Dr. Horace Tyson. “We discovered that 85% of female cabbies had, at some point in their lives, a serious ketamine habit. That’s not a coincidence. We believe that frequent ketamine use does something to the female brain that makes women more interested in driving cabs.”

Dr. Tyson’s findings are preliminary, but the researcher hopes to launch follow-up studies to figure out exactly what’s going on. “If we’re right and ketamine is changing female brains to make them more interested in the cab driving industry, that hints that it might be possible to attract more women to the field by giving them ketamine.” The research envisions a future where Universities and trade schools hand out ketamine to women in an effort to turn them into cab drivers.

“And why stop at cab driving? Maybe there are other drugs we can give women to recruit them to other fields that are lop-sidedly male. Maybe we can increase the number of female coal minors and garbage disposal specialists if we start giving them opioids. Would taking LSD make women more interested in computer science? Hardcore drugs might be the key to ending gender differences in the workplace.”

Cardboard couture is about to take over the rave scene according to Rosie Pitoune, the legendary fashion designer who earned notoriety in the early 1990s when her patented Predictive Raver Fashion Algorithm correctly foresaw the rise of phat pants and fun fur.

“I was the first person to see the potential in phat pants, I made millions of dollars off of that bet, and it was all thanks to my secret algorithm,” says Ms. Pitoune. “Now my algorithm has informed me that cardboard is the future. You can already see it gaining popularity on the fringes of the rave scene. No matter which party you attend, you’ll bump into a young darling fashionista wearing a cardboard box, or maybe cardboard panties, or a cardboard hat. But make no mistake, every party now has at least one person wearing some cardboard couture.”

Ms. Pitoune predicts that within a few years, the vast majority of ravers will be wearing cardboard boxes. “Today it’s one person, next month it’s two, next year it’s fifty, and in three years it’s the entire dance floor,” says Ms. Pitoune. “Then something new will take it’s place. However, for a short time, cardboard will rule over the rave scene with a paper fist. Only losers will wear cotton. The real ravers will wrap themselves in beautiful beige cardboard, they’ll look like glorious homeless people waging a futile war against the harsh elements that are beating down upon this godforsaken world. The cardboard aesthetic era is upon us, and while it may not last forever, it will last for much longer than anyone anticipates.”

A new medical study has confirmed what many have long suspected — people who rave as teenagers are more likely to develop early onset dementia later in life. “Now that the first generation of ravers is over fifty, we’re starting to get a decent grip on the health cost of raving,” says lead researcher Dr. Jerome Pentout. “The numbers don’t lie, for every twenty raves you attend as a teenager, your likelihood of suffering from dementia in your fifties doubles. That’s just an average, the actual numbers vary depending on what kind of parties people have attended. Some music scenes are associated with worse health outcomes than others. Attending twenty psytrance parties, for example, triples your likelihood of dementia.”

It’s not the 1980s anymore, so your typical raver is middle aged. Medical professionals are increasingly forced to deal with rave related health issues. It’s gotten to the point that some Universities are now teaching classes on raver gerontology. “We need to understand the impact that massive drug use and repetitive techno music have on the human body,” says Professor Charles Waiver, who teachers raver biology at Boston University. “How does raving change the body? That’s a question we’re only starting to figure out, and unfortunately, early research is very alarming.”

Dr. Pentout believes that future studies will only corroborate what his research says about the serious health dangers posed by raving. “The fact is, kids who rave today are going to place unnecessary burdens on our healthcare system forty years from now,” says Dr. Pentout. “I think the government has a moral and financial obligation to place strict limits on raving given how deleterious techno parties are to society. At the very least, people who insist on raving shouldn’t have their healthcare subsidized by the rest of us. They’re the one’s who’ve decided to turn their brains into Swiss cheese. If they want to destroy their minds, that’s their choice, but we shouldn’t be forced to pay for their poor decisions.”

Helicopter parents keep pushing boundaries, and experts are starting to wonder if there’s ever going to be an end to the madness. In recent months, a new disastrous pattern has begun to emerge. Over protective parents, mostly concentrated in larger cities, have begun insisting on the right to watch their children lose their virginity. The controversial practice hasn’t just raised eyebrows, but legal concerns. One of the parents championing this intrusive movement, Layla Salo, claims that it’s just good parenting.

“There’s nothing indecent, unhealthy, or illegal about a parent wanting to make sure that their child’s first time is a success,” says Ms. Salo. “In a society as dangerous as ours, it’s important to make sure that our children are choosing the right partners and engaging in appropriate sexual behaviour that is neither risky nor crass. As a mother, I feel compelled to protect my son and my daughter from making sexual mistakes that can have severe repercussions on their lives. I think there’d be less unwanted pregnancies and less rape if more parents insisted on watching their kids have sex.”

Human rights lawyer Beaugard Beaubien doesn’t agree. “Frankly, I think what these overprotective parents are doing is a form of child abuse. Not only that, but it’s incredibly disgusting and invasive,” says Mr. Beaubien. “I think that we, as a society, have gone deeply off the rails if parents are not skulking about in the bedrooms of their children, watching them as they engage in sexual congress. That’s just wrong. It’s wrong and it’s disturbing and it needs to end.”

Ms. Salo disagrees. “No one can stop me from watching my children lose their virginity,” says Ms. Salo. “No one! It’s my right, my duty, and my obligation to ensure that my children lose their virginity in a healthy, appropriate manner.”

Jack Beaucheval, a Seattle Councilman, has put forward a motion that would legalize street defecation in the city in a nod to the growing political clout of the rave community. “Ravers are a distinct cultural group that have their own values, beliefs, and social mores,” says the Councilman. “This includes the belief that you should evacuate your bowels wherever you find yourself when nature calls. To hold it in is to deny Mother Nature her due.”

The practice of public defecation has been passed down among raver kind for countless generations. Many theologians believe that it’s a beautiful and harmonious practice that grounds its practitioners into the natural world, keeping them connected to the present moment. “If you ever travel to the raver capital of Berlin, you’ll find enormous stone statues of men and women engaged in public defecation,” says Rev. Joe Smith, a priest of the Mother Psytrance Tribe. “These statues were built to honor the cycle life. We consume nature, and then we expel nature, and then what we expel is consumed by nature, which produces new nature that we then consume in turn. It is a glorious circle of life. Shit isn’t dirty, it is wonderful, and must be celebrated. That is the way of the raver.”

Councilman Beaucheval believes that his motion to legalize public defecation will help better integrate the rave community into Seattle. “We’ve been penalizing ravers for far too long with laws that are, frankly, discriminatory,” says the Councilman. “The era of discrimination must end. It is time to embrace our raver neighbours and to familiarize ourselves with their mores and ways of life. If that means our sidewalks are going to be covered in human excrement, well then, that’s a small price to pay for being decent human beings.”

The Silicon Valley digerati are shocking the world with their newest social craze: licking each other’s assholes as a way of saying hello. “Hugging people, saying hi, that’s such a peasant thing to do,” says Houten Morrisburg, the billionaire founder of the furry social network Klopklop. “My friends in the Silicon Valley elite have helped popularize a more sophisticated kind of greeting, something that’ll separate us good wealthy smart people from the low class poor trash that consumes our products. Instead of doing something as gauche as shake a hand or utter a greeting, we pull down our pants and lick each other’s sphincters. It’s a very elegant, very intimate, very refined way of connecting with our friends.”

The American ruling class has even given a name to the practice. “We call it the Silicon Valley handshake,” says New York journalist Ross Childers. “I’m a trust fund kid from a very wealthy family, which makes me a good person and gives a lot of moral weight to my opinions. That’s why when I say the Silicon Valley handshake is superior to peasant greetings, you know I’m saying the truth. Every last journalist New York city has abandonned the high-five, the hello, the kiss on the cheek, and the hug. We all exclusively greet each other with the Silicon Valley handshake. You know you’re a better class of person when you’ve tasted all of your friend’s taints.”

Common people have not been enthusiastic about adopting the Silicon Valley handshake. “Just because rich people are licking each other’s assholes doesn’t mean I need to,” says Laticia Jonson, a high school teacher from Pittsburgh. “I don’t get why rich people do weird things like this. Are they so insecure about their place in the world that they have to constantly find new shit to do that’ll separate them from the rest of us? It’s just so tiring at this point. We get it, you’re rich, you think you’re better than the rest of us. But now you’re just embarrassing yourselves.”

Some researchers fear that if the working class stops trying to emulate the ruling class, revolutions can’t be far behind. “Historically, poor people in socially cohesive societies try to emulate the habits and behaviours of the rich,” says Dr. Diana Anais, a researcher at the Fulton Urban Studies Center. “The moment the poor stop trying to emulate the rich is the moment the rich should start fearing for their safety. If the Silicon Valley handshake doesn’t take off among your average American, then it might not be long before Silicon Valley titans are being hunted for sport by angry working class mobs.”

Silicon Valley tycoons, for their part, don’t want normal people to adopt their new handshake. “I think everyone in the Silicon Valley elite agrees with me when I say poor people deserve to die,” says Houten. “We can’t build a better world until we’ve cleansed it of all the filth. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got to go say hello to my mother.”

Pornstep DJ Alfonso Carlton, who goes by the stage name Kameltoze, has been nominated for a Nobel peace prize. Talented maestro of pornographic beats changed the world with his erotically charged music, which has been scientifically proven to dampen the violent desires of those who listen to it. Mr. Carlton received wide acclaim after the American government wrapped up the war in Syria by blasting out his music on the battlefield. Soldiers, overcome with emotion, put down their arms and took out their genitals.

“Kameltoze set out to make music that got men hard and women wet, but in the end he accomplished so much more than that,” says Dr. Filbert Wagamama, a researcher at the Sound Conflict Institute. “His music reaches down into the primal parts of the human soul, and unleashes the inner goodness that exists in all of us. He’s accomplished what diplomats throughout history have repeatedly failed to do — he’s put an end to war. It’s impossible to attack someone while listening to the Kameltoze’s pornstep anthems.”

It’s impossible to overstate the influence that Kameltoze has had on world affairs. Every single nation has begun studying his music, trying to unlock the mysteries that are contained within it. “Right now, we don’t know why Kameltoze’s music does what it does,” says Dr. Wagamama. “So governments around the world are spending hundreds of billions of dollars trying to unlock it’s mysteries.”

Experts agree, no matter what happens in the future, no one has ever deserved a Nobel peace prize as much as Mr. Carlton. “He’s basically an angel,” says Dr. Wagamama.

Sologamy, the practice of marrying yourself, has seen an explosion in popularity across America. Growing numbers of people are giving up on dating and marriage, and choosing instead to marry themselves in elaborate and slightly absurd ceremonies that thumb their noses at the very idea of holy matrimony.

Experts like Dr. Ruth Vader predict that nearly 60% of Americans will have dropped out of the mating game by 2025. “In the future, most marriages will be sologamous in nature,” says Dr. Vader. “The trend lines are very clear. People aren’t having as much sex anymore, they’re not dating as much, they’re not socializing as much, and they’re not marrying as much. Our society is becoming increasingly narccisistic, and there’s no sign of this changing. Get used to a childless future of deracinated, uprooted atoms who have no ties to their communities or neighbours. Instead, the only meaningful relationship most people in the future will have is the one with the person they see in their mirror, and it’s going to be a pretty shitty relationship.”

Sologamists like Matt Perrier are undeterred by nay sayers. “Love is a total fraud,” says Mr. Perrier. “I used to spend all my time on Tinder and various dating apps, trying to find someone I could marry and start a family with, but instead all I found was a deep sense of disappointment in the human race. I was so happy to discover that other misanthropes had pioneered the practice of sologamy, and decided to try my own hand at living a sologamous life. It was the best decision I ever made.”

Mr. Perrier had a sologamous wedding on a beach off the coast of California. “I didn’t bother inviting anyone. There was no priest, no bride, no bridesmaids, no annoying guests. It was just me and the great blue sea. I made a vow to myself to never share my heart with another living soul, then I drank half a bottle of vodka and passed out for a couple hours. It was a deeply spiritual experience.” Mr. Perrier says that since marrying himself, his life has never been better. “I spend all my money on video games, sex dolls, and miniature crocodile replicas. If I had a wife or a girlfriend, I’d have so many obligations and I’d be expected to spend my money more responsibly. Where’s the fun in that?”

Montreal’s DJ Sighspreader has gone into hiding after a mob of teenager Tumblr users accused him of pimping out his girlfriend for ketamine. “DJ Sighspreader is a total pig,” says Tumblr user StalinistSexBomb. “I was at one of his parties in Verdun when I took a video of him trading his girlfriend for a bump of k. That’s not alright. That’s not cool. That’s the kind of thing that gives raving a bad name. I felt duty bound to post my video online.”

The video of Sighspreader’s pimp game went viral, leading to tens of thousands of angry teenagers to threaten the man with death and worse. “Sighspreader needs to pay,” says one anonymous Tumblr user. “We need to make an example of him so that other DJs know that it’s not okay to sell their girlfriends for a bit of ketamine. Like, if they’re going to force their loved ones into prostitution in order to fuel their drug habit, than they should at least be demanding better drugs. Cocaine or DMT or maybe something exotic like ayuhasca. I can understand pimping out your girlfriend for something like that, but ketamine? That’s just insulting. Women are worth more than that, I mean, they’re at least worth four tabs of really good acid, like the real shit that Timothy Leary used to make.”

DJ Sighspreader says he’s very sorry for his actions. “I admit, I should have asked for something better than ketamine,” says the DJ. “That was short sighted of me, it wasn’t respectful, it was really kind of misogynistic. I admit that. In the future, I’ll be sure that to only trade my girlfriend for high quality drugs, the kind that better reflect her intrinsic value as a human being, the kind of drugs that affirm the essential dignity that everyone possesses.” The DJ is looking forward to returning to public life and hopes the current furor dies down soon.

Women across America are painting vulvas on their fingernails, and the trend doesn’t seem like it’ll stop anytime soon. “I was just looking down at my hands one day and thought, you know what? I think my fingernails would look way better if I painted vulvas on them,” says 19 year old gender studies student and vagina fingernail enthusiast. Clarice Lecter. “So I painted a big beautiful rainbow coloured vulva on my nails, and wow, my life hasn’t been the same since!”

Clarice says that shortly after she made her fingernails into tiny little vulva art galleries, she was given a high paying Wallstreet job. “And the guy who hired me said it was entirely because of my vulva paintings,” says Clarice. “I think vagina nails give women a real leg up in today’s competitive job market.”

Teddy Rushpin, a human resource analyst at McBossom Consulting Firm, agrees. “In today’s hyper competitive business environment, you really need to stand out in order to make a good living. Debasing yourself by painting genitals on your fingernails shows potential employers that you’ve got really humiliation thresholds and will likely put up with pretty much any behaviour they throw at you. That kind of tolerance for humiliation is really in demand right now.”

Houten Morrisburg, billionaire founder of the furry social network Klopklop, agrees. “I’m always looking for employees who have no self-respect,” says Mr. Morrisburg. “And the same goes for every single Silicon Valley tycoon out there. Nothing is more appealing to us than an employee who has no dignity. You show up to a job interview with vaginas painted on your fingernails, and you’re getting hired.”

Thanks to the increase in market value that women with vagina nails experience, don’t expect the trend to die out. “Vagina nails will remain in vogue for as long as bosses prefer employees with a high tolerance for public humiliation,” says Mr. Rushpin. “Count on it.”

Scientists have finally put to rest a controversy that has roiled the rave community since it’s inception: yes, girls can in fact DJ. The Institute for Resolute Research has spent millions of dollars investigating the matter over the last fifteen years, and now Dr. Kubel Kobble, the head researcher for it’s Gender Equity In Musical Entropy program, has finally published the long awaited results of their work.

“Our study proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that girls can DJ,” says scientist Dr. Kobble. “The numbers are overwhelming, the results are conclusive. The scientists at the I.R.R consider the matter settled. The debates can now end. Women, like men, are capable of putting CDs into CDJs and pretending that they’re artists. They can also put records into record players, and take them out of record players, all while twisting knobs and pushing buttons. All genders are capable of pretending that they are talented even when they’re not. In fact, our study shows that nearly any mammal of any gender is capable of being a DJ. Dogs, cats, monkeys, armadillos. If it has a pulse, it can DJ. Hell, I’m pretty sure if you replaced a human DJ at a party with a mechanical hammer that randomly smashed into things, no one would be able to tell the difference.”

Chad McChaderston, one of New York City’s most prominent misogynistic ravers, denounced the study. “It’s bullshit! Women can’t DJ! I don’t care what the study says,” says Mr. McChaderston. “If you can’t grow hair on your chest, you can’t be a DJ. A manly beard is one of the key ingredients to being a good DJ. And I mean a manly man beard, not one of those effeminate hipster beards that soy drinking cosmopolitans pay hundreds of dollars to groom. No, you need a majestic unkempt beard that birds build nests in to be a DJ. The kind of beard that radiates testosterone to the point that woman orgasm simply by being in the same room as that beard. If you don’t have a beard, you’re not a DJ. That’s a raver fact, and you can quote me on that.”

Dr. Kobbel is baffled by the resistance his research is having in some corners of the rave community. “The numbers don’t lie. It’s not a conspiracy. Women can DJ. So can kangaroos, penguins, baby seals, even certain species of exotic spiders.”

Doctors at Toronto’s Tademard Medical Research Clinic are baffled by a young woman’s incredibly absurd medical condition. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” says Dr. Jarvis Bonsecour. “She keeps slamming her face into her boyfriend’s fist over and over again. It doesn’t matter where she is, or what they’re doing, sooner or later, her face will contact his fist. Repeatedly.”

The young woman was referred to the clinic after she ran her car into the police station where her boyfriend was being held on domestic assault charges. “She drove her car right through the front of the station and into the holding cell where we had placed her boyfriend,” says Sgt. Paul Vrai of the Toronto Special Victims Unit. “She then jumped out of the car and started repeatedly slamming her face into his fist. Actually, that’s not quite accurate. His hands weren’t in a fist when she jumped out of the car — she grabbed his open hand, closed it and made it into a fist, and then slammed her face into it over and over again. When several of our officers saw that, we knew we weren’t dealing with a normal case of domestic violence. This woman clearly needed help.”

Doctors still aren’t sure why the woman feels compelled to slam her face into her boyfriend's fist. “It’s a mystery,” says Dr. Bonsecours. “We have to keep her tied to her bed, otherwise she’ll steal a car, hunt her boyfriend down, and start violently shoving her face into his fist. He could be at work, he could in the washroom, he could be on a rollercoaster, it doesn’t matter where he is. She’ll find him and she'll turn her beautiful face into a patchwork of bruises using his hands."

Dr. Bonsecours hopes that the woman will learn that physically harming herself with her boyfriend’s fist is unhealthy. “We’ve put her on a gluten free diet, which we think will really help with her self-destructive impulses. If that doesn’t work, the next step is to put her through a rigorous round of Freudian psychoanalysis. Finally, if we don’t see any improvement through gluten therapy or psychoanalysis, we’ll bring in an accredited priest who will perform a medical exorcism. The last option requires state of the art prayer beads and state regulated holy water. It’s very intense so we try to avoid it, but sometimes nothing else seems to work.”

Sgt. Paul Vrai hopes that the young woman is successful in her treatment. "Everyone should treat themselves with love and dignity," says Sgt. Vrai. "It's just terrible when young people feel the need to hurt themselves like that."

Blue waffle disease, a venereal infection that causes female genitalia to become engorged until it looks like a nightmarish morning snack, has spread across the city of Boston. Doctors now say that four out of five Bostonian women under thirty currently suffer from the illness. “I blame our Universities,” says Dr. Rael Medsin of the Boston Cream Medical Alliance. “The campus culture in Boston has encouraged a generation of young people to act like total degenerate whores. These young men and women have no conception of personal responsibility, safety, or risk. They live their lives with no thought of tomorrow, screwing anything with a pulse. As result, formerly exotic sexually transmitted diseases have now become widespread. Thank god smallpox wasn’t an STD, otherwise Boston would be a graveyard.”

City health officials believe it’s too late to stop the disease from spreading. “Boston has reached a tipping point in degeneracy that can’t be stopped,” says Dr. Alberto Otrebla of the New England Institute for Statistical Analysis of Facts And Numbers. “As a scientist, I understand data points and that things that tip them, and the numbers don’t lie. The point of total sexual degeneracy has been tipped, and now an irreversible cascade is taking place. Boston is facing a sexual crisis that it cannot win. Every woman in the city will soon have blue waffle disease, and every male will be a secret carrier of the illness. The only hope for Massachussett’s is to quarantine the entire city and sterilize the population.”

Unsurprisingly, few residents approve of Dr. Otrebla’s plan for the city. Many women afflicted with the condition have fought back against the idea that blue waffle disease is worth curing, some of them even embrace the condition as a sign of female empowerment. “There’s no shame in having an STD that makes your vagina look like a giant blue waffle,” says Mercedes Fourier, a student at Pringleton University. “The medical establishment profits from controlling female sexuality, and it’s trying to shame women with blue waffle disease into thinking that they’re now somehow damaged goods. The problem isn’t with those of us who have a contagious illness, it’s with health-typical people who think every illness needs to be cured. Blue waffle disease doesn’t need to be cured, but blue waffle stigma does. We don’t need medicine or drugs, we need to teach men to respect the waffle.”

September is here! It’s the beginning of the school year and it was a Friday night so what could possibly go wrong? Let me tell you that your local rave organiser brought teenagers to a strip club and one even as young as 15 years old. This all happened on the same night as “Villa Paradizo 2017” a large attraction for underage pseudo ravers along with the attribution of commercialized rave culture from the scene being exploited. It sucked so bad needless to say.

The whole squad ditched the horrible event and what else could they do? All the bars on crescent were over capacity and carding everyone. The squad consisted of Anthony Lasalle an infamous organizer, 15 year old Katie and 18 year old Erin. Anthony Lasalle is known to be in his thirties or rumour has it he’s much older than he claims. “Strip clubs don’t card and even my legal adult friend didn’t have her ID” says Anthony defensively to our reporter. It was very kind of him to treat his friends to some contact dances nonetheless. An exotic petite bubbly dancer named Ivy swiftly came up to them offering her time and service. The dancer was a sweetheart and decided to give free lap dances to the girls, but not to Anthony.

Anthony and all the girls went the VIP room. Ivy stripped off her sheer one piece of lingerie to get fully nude. She began to molest and grind everyone shaking her jiggly bum to the beat. Innocent Katie didn’t want to touch Ivy, but Anthony insisted and guided her hand to grope her curvy parts. Ivy really was moaning super loud probably because she was so turned on. The girls were cheering for her and worshipping her beauty. Erin accidentally fingered Ivy, but she didn’t care. Anthony sucked on her nipple once and she told him to stop immediately. Time was up, Erin blurted out that Katie was 15 and all was chill.

The manager of the club came up to Katie and Erin and offered them work as dancers knowing their age. Strip clubs are a shady business and how do they get away with not getting busted by the cops? The house makes so much money from hiring underage dancers that they bribe the SPVM to stay out of legal trouble. Not to mention, crooked cops like the fantasy of young girls working there. “I just want to make it rain cash.” says naïve Katie and Erin sheepishly agrees. It’s a mutual justice scenario. The true predator here is Anthony Lasalle for lying about how old he is. Honesty is the best policy and the system is corrupt. Fuck Anthony Lasalle.

Buckle up Torontonians, because you’re all in for a treat. If there’s one thing the German’s like to do, it’s invading places, and on September 1st, they’ll be invading Toronto with the Deutsche inspired Slip and Slide Semen Party. This wild event originated in one of Berlin’s top clubs, where revellers would often strip naked, masturbate all over the floor, and slip and side in each other’s semen.

“The German Slip and Slide Semen Party is something of a tradition in Berlin,” says party promoter Igdon Yahlibara. “They’re very common. Most Berliners have attended at least one such event in their lives, many attend them weekly. After I witnessed my first Semen Slip and Slide night, I knew I needed to bring something like it to the people of Toronto. There is something absolutely magical about sliding down a man-milk covered floor like an oily sausage while everyone around you claps and hollers.”

Many Torontonians are looking forward to the event. “I bought my ticket the moment I first heard about it,” says Jennifer Hawley, a 23 year old nursing student. “I really can’t wait to experience what a semen slip and slide party is like. I bet it’s a lot classier than a bukkake party!”

According to Igdon, not only are the events classier than Bukkake parties, but the music is a lot better too. “Semen Slip and Slide parties play only the finest trap music,” says Igdon. “If it’s not trap, than it’s not an authentic semen sliding experience.”

You have all heard of the infamous foot fetish, it’s not very common amongst any demographic. Still popular somehow. Do you have dirty feet, from dancing to terrible electronic music for eight hours? And your feet smell like nothing else? Consider pimping your feet instead of your twat so you don’t have to feel ashamed. How could you degrade yourself as much as having sex with strangers for money? Even high-class escorts look low-class in comparison.

I’m high right now having an existential crisis. Just meet this foot guy. You will be happy I promise. You can be a coot raver gurl or look like a trashy gurl who is an overweight crackhead. Have some fuqhead lick your feet for fun hahahah. You won’t hav3 s3x for $$$$ you hoes don’t get an education. Fuck that bachelor or major. You will never be that achieving chemistry professor. Sorry. Not sorry.

Now that I’m more right minded and less in a k hole I will now talk again how to get connections doing porn without doing porn. Find a gross overweight man who is French living in the plateau and that’s probably the guy who is the producer. French people are weirder and low-class so makes sense and let him talk to you. His Facebook has a profile picture of a foot. Check the hoes on your fb and you might find him. If I told you his name that would make it too easy. Hunt for his money. Where’s the fun in making it easy?

When you’re there in his fancy loft. He will try the netflix’n’chill move and provide alcohol. He will designate to put your feet on his face on the couch. You can pick whatever show or movie you would like to watch. However, remember to say degrading things towards him about your feet. Make him feel punished. Bleh of course pretend you’re enjoying yourself and throw in an anime kawaii desu moan~~~!

By the end, I got paid more than what I was promised which is cool maybe because I’m prettier than yew. You suck. Cuntsha worked for him that’s cool I guess. Ask him to show you the video of her that’s the real Easter egg. By the way, he offers more than just foot stuff if you’re not good with your feet. Lol who hasn’t seen Cuntsha fuck or hasn’t fucked her. Anyway, I’m done soon. I hope you enjoyed this shitty article I wrote. Maybe it will have inspired some of you or make you reflect upon yourself like I did while writing this. I like to dominate and spit on people’s faces and piss in their mouth. Yeah, he offers that too =] Have fun weirdos. Sadly, Paul ended up taking the money I made so your money will always end up in the hands of your bf (pimp). Paul is a gross heroin junkie who steals from everyone who tries to help him and is an all-time manipulator. Plus he smells like cat pee all year long. He pretends to have cancer and claim he’s part black. His nationality changes every day with his mood though.

The Pedosexual Liberation Movement has hit the big time now that over a dozen Hollywood celebrities have come out in support of it. “It’s time that we recognize that pedophilia isn’t a crime, but a sexual orientation,” says Hoogen Bausweit, the producer of the oscar winning drama Make Boys Cry. “The rise of the Pedosexual Liberation Movement is proof that our conception of gender continues to evolve. We need to stop oppressing people who have desires that fall outside the cisnormative mainstream.”

Ima Raypalaut, the star of the hit movie Teacher Please, agrees. “There’s a reason everyone considers Hollywood the moral centre of the Universe,” says Ima. “That’s because us celebrities have a unique understanding of right and wrong that church going country hicks will never fully appreciate. My time as a Hollywood actor has made me uniquely qualified to understand the pain and suffering of the underprivileged, and right now, there’s no single group in America that’s as oppressed as pedosexuals. It’s time we right this historical wrong and show the world that sexually desiring children is perfectly natural.”

Convicted pedosexual Henry Tinytoppper is glad to see Hollywood throw their weight behind the cause. “It’s just disgusting that people like me are sent to jail just for having sex with five year olds,” says Henry. “Do you think the ability to consent to sex magically begins at 16? No, it doesn’t. It starts the moment a toddler learns to say no. And if a toddler doesn’t say no, then what’s the problem?”

Henry’s views are very popular with the Hollywood elite, which is rumoured to be dominated by child rapists. “It’s not a big secret that most people who run Hollywood are in the pedosexual closet,” says Ima. “I just want my Hollywood brothers to finally be open about their sexual desires without being punished for them. It’s not fair.”

Many fashion watchers believe that Hollywood’s public embrace of pedosexuality will deeply effect the social politics of the country. “Back in the 1990s and early aughties, gays were the top fashion accessory among well-to-do liberals,” says stylist Van Grübber. “Then gays were tossed aside for the trans community. In 2015, you weren’t cool unless you had some transgendered friends. Liberals, who are mostly middle and upper class, use gender politics as a way to draw attention to their social status. It’s not that they actually care about gay or transgender rights, they just care about the social status that seeming to care about these rights confers. The problem is that eventually working class people start adopting their gender politics, which causes these politics to lose their social cachet. After that happens, liberals then need to find a new gender politics to use as a fashion accessory"

"You can see the same cycle of social drift happen with the names liberals use to give their children," says Van. "Liberals come up with new names to give their kids, poor people then eventually copy those names causing them to lose their power as status signifiers, then liberals come up with new names for their children, and the cycle repeats itself. This is the reason first names fall in and out of fashion. It’s also why progressive politics seems to progress onwards. The middle and upper class must constantly invent new social mores once they're embraced by the poor and working class.. It’s not about social justice but about social status. At the heart of liberal politics is a sneering elitism based on the desire to rule over people who are beneath you socially.”

Van Grübber says social drift is at the heart of the Pedosexual Liberation Movement. “After gay rights became acceptable among the working class, high status liberals needed to adopt something new to set themselves apart from their social inferiors. That’s why they embraced transgender rights,” says Van. “Now they’re embracing pedosexuality. It’s just the cycle of fashion at work. Eventually liberals will move on from pedophilia to something else that’ll help show that they’re better than the working class. Who knows, maybe in 2030, you won’t be considered cool unless you have a canine sex slave.”

Ima scoffs at Van’s analysis. “First of all, pedosexuality’s embrace by Hollywood royalty has nothing to do with social status,” says Ima. “Second of all, if you’re going to have a non human sex slave, it should be an armadillo. They’re much harder to get than dogs, and so much cuter too.”

Move over Jesus Christ, there’s a new religion town, and it’s getting people high as hell. The Church of The Dragon Chaser has seen its popularity explode over the last year, opening dozens of chapters across Canada and America. The oddball religion considers heroin to be a divine substance handed down to humanity by The Great Dragon, a godlike being that created heaven and earth during a drug fuelled orgy.

“We believe that The Great Dragon consumed heroin for seven days and seven nights, and on the last night, he mated with the spirits of wind, fire, earth, and water, inseminating them with his seed. The elements then gave birth to the Universe and all who dwell within,” says Reverend Bryan Tulle. “The Great Dragon celebrated the birth of the Universe by covering a million planets with the opium poppy flowers. These flowers are a gift from our god, and are the only way for those made of flesh and blood to speak with our cosmic creators.”

Heroin dealers across the Americas are now working with The Church of the Dragon Chaser to have their faith recognized by the state. “Heroin dealers are doing god’s work,” says Rev. Tulle. “It is important that the state not interfere in our spiritual affairs, lest it incurs the wrath of The Great Dragon. Heroin is a divine good, and the fact that the state has labeled it an evil is the source of all our current problems. We must place the holy poppy back in its revered position, or we will face eternal damnation.”

It’s not easy being a single mom, but that hasn’t stopped Kathleen Loza, a 43 year old Toronto native, from achieving her childhood dream of becoming a drug lord. “I’m proof that a woman can raise a kid on her own and operate a multi million dollar meth operation,” says Kathleen. “Society tends to give single mother’s a hard time, but with grit and persistence, it’s possible to rise above the nay sayers and accomplish incredible things.”

Kathleen says she knew she had to buckle down and get after getting knocked up at a Psytrance orgy. “Getting an abortion was out of the question,” says Kathleen. “I was going to raise my baby no matter what, but I didn’t want motherhood to get in the way of my dream of building a criminal empire that stretched across the Americas.”

Balancing parenthood with building a drug empire wasn't always easy. “By the time my son was six years old, I knew that I wouldn’t reach the heights of success I was aiming for unless I brought him into the family business,” says Kathleen. “I began grooming him to become my left hand man. I taught him how to cook crystal meth, how to smuggle it, how to build a supply chain, how to market narcotics to low income neighbourhoods. Bringing my baby boy into the fold turned out to be a life changing decision. It brought us closer together while also causing my profits to explode.”

It wasn’t long before her son, Chad, had recruited dozens of his school friends into his mother’s drug empire. “We had his entire elementary school hooked on meth,” says Kathleen. “It was beautiful, and it only got better from there on out. By the time he was a teenager, we had a sprawling network built up that covered the entire eastern seaboard.”

Within a few short years, the Mother Son drug dealing duo had successfully conquered vast swaths of territory from Halifax to Winnipeg. “It was a bit tough getting a foothold west of the Rockies, but that didn’t stop me and my boy from making it happen. We just rolled up our sleeves and started knocking on doors, making sure everyone knew that Loza’s Meth was the best of the best.”

Today, the proud mother says she couldn’t be happier with her life. “I’ve shown the world that a single mother can build a successful business while also raising a happy, healthy son. It’s not an either/or choice -- you can have both if you try hard enough.”

Sociologists have long been intrigued by the rave scene’s cock worship, with many illustrious researchers having spent decades trying to unravel the mysterious link between raving and craving dick. “Ever since the first drum beat was heard in the first Detroit warehouse party, ravers have been obsessed with all things penis related,” says Dr. Alleyu Rethra, a scientist at the Urban Dance Studies Institute of Pittsburgh . “And I mean obsessed. Ravers just can’t get enough dick. There’s a reason cock worship is considered one of the four corner stores of the rave scene, along with PLUR, EDM, and MDMA. If you’ve ever been to a rave, chances are, you’ve sucked a lot of cock.”

Many ravers don’t know why they’re so obsessed with penises. “When I listen to techno, a desire wells up inside of me for a penis in my mouth,” says 19 year old raver Alexi Cornwall. “I don’t know where the desire comes from, i don’t understand how it works, but all I know is that if I don’t obey it, I’ll be very sad.”

Researchers like Dr. Rethra posit that there’s some sort of connection between the dopamine receptors that are triggered by listening to techno and the bodies response to sexual stimuli. “The really interesting thing is that this craving for penis isn’t at all related to a person’s biological sex or even their socially constructed gender identity” says Dr. Rethra. “You could be a straight identified male, but the moment you listen to techno, the only thing you can think about is penis. Lots and lots of penis. Big ones, small ones, thick ones, thin ones, it doesn’t really matter their shape or size.”

Ravers say that perhaps the mystery is better left unsolved. “Does it really matter why ravers love cock?” asks Alexi. "Maybe some questions don't need an answer."

Montreal Mayor Pierre Mangepatate has announced that the days are numbered for RaverCab, the city’s controversial party car service. “Montreal is a very tolerant city, but even we have our limits,” says Pierre. “We are busy writing up a new city bylaw that, once in effect, will make driving for RaverCab a crime. We expect the law to be in place by the end of June.”

RaverCab has earned both plaudits and criticism since it blasted on to the crowded ride sharing app scene last year, promising patrons of the ubiquitous cab service rave inspired taxi cab rides. “RaverCab is like Uber, but with cocaine and dubstep,” says the company’s founder Felix Tabemasu. “When you use our service, you know you’re in for a fun drive. It’s sad that so many stuffy politicians are hell bent on shutting us down. We just want to make partying on the road more affordable. Is that such a bad thing?”

RaverCab fans are upset with the mayor for targeting the service, claiming that Montreal has far more important problems it should be tackling. “What’s the big deal?” asks 18 year old Pierre Gellé. “I’d rather the mayor deal with our pot hole problem instead of trying to ban a company that offers citizens of Montreal several things they crave: cocaine, dubstep music, and convenient travelling.”

Protests against the mayor’s new bylaw are planned at the end of May. “I hope our fans gather at city hall and let the mayor know how unhappy they are with his decision,” says Felix. “Long live coked out cab rides home! Long live RaverCab!”

Todd Wilkinson, a controversial Vancouver promoter, was kicked out of his own party on Saturday after picking a fight with several DJs. Security staff at the event, who he had hired, staged a coup d’état after witnessing his aggressive behaviour towards the talent. “Dude was a total asshole,” says bouncer Barry Williams. “He punched one DJ, threw a water bottle at another one’s head, and pushed one guy off the stage. He was out of control. He’s lucky we didn’t crack his head open.”

The four bouncers who staged the mutiny said they were happy to intervene. “We’ve never done anything like that before,” says lead security guard Bryce Thompson. “We like getting paid. But there’s certain lines you don’t cross, and the moment he started attacking the people he had hired to play at his party, that was too much for us. Just because you hired us doesn’t mean we’re going to tolerate your bullshit. Treat people with respect, or we’ll treat you to a beating.”

The DJs at the events were thankful for the security guards stepping up and protecting them. “I’m worried he might have killed one of us,” says DJ Whaled Badd, who narrowly missed being hit over the head with a beer bottle by Todd. “He was out of his mind. I think he had taken too much cocaine or something. He was a lunatic. That was the first party I ever went too where the promoter was kicked out of his own event. I doubt he’ll ever get another DJ to play at one his parties.”

Some people collect comic books, others collect stamps, but for some rich deviants, it’s all about collecting different kinds of drugs. A growing number of millionaires -- and even a few billionaires -- are spending vast fortunes scouring the world for unique strands of drugs. “There’s a huge drug collector community,” says Sgt. Destro Colins of the SPVM. “These are mostly affluent people who spend a lot of money buying drugs that they have no intention of consuming. Instead, they put them on display in jars that they places on shelves in their drug dens.”

One fabulously wealthy man, who refuses to be named, says he started collecting drugs after he realized that collecting video games was too easy. “I used to collect old games before I was rich,” says the millionaire. “However, once I made my first million, I was able to complete my collection of mint in box nintendo games in a matter of days. It was so easy, it wasn’t fun anymore. Before I’d have to scour thrift stores and garage sales looking for rare pieces, but with a fat bank account, all I had to do was log on to eBay and buy everything I wanted. That’s why I started collecting drugs. It’s a lot harder buying rare and exotic strands of MDMA or marijuana than it is buying rare video games. There’s more skill involved, more risk, more adventure.”

Other millionaires echoed that sentiment. “I collect rare strands of psilocybin,” says an anonymous Silicon Valley tech titan. “I have an entire room full of these wonderful little mushrooms, all of them displayed in custom made mahogany boxes that have lids built with sapphire glass. They’re beautiful. When you step foot in my magic mushroom room, it feels like you’re entering a magical dimension full of endless possibility. Collecting exotic drugs offers the kind of high that mundane collecting simply can’t compete with -- and I’m talking from experience. I used to be a baseball card collector, but that was positively boring compared to traveling the world for new psilocybin samples.”

The police are cautioning rich people not to get carried away with their drug collecting hobbies. “We want to tell them not to do it,” says Sgt. Colins, “but the fact is, the law doesn’t apply to rich people, so it’s not like we’d ever arrest them even if they were caught.”

Montreal clubs across the city are retooling their music systems as DJs become increasingly unpopular attractions. “No one wants to listen to DJs anymore,” says club owner Thierry Goodwall. “An increasing number of patrons are refusing to attend venues that don’t have harpists playing the latest hits. It’s a very strange trend, a complete upending of the status quo. The party scene is undergoing a seismic shift right now.”

The booming popularity of harp music has caught most night life commentators off guard. “Ten years ago, who would have predicted that teenagers and young adults would now rather listen to harpists play Gluck’s Dance of the Blessed Spirits instead of DJs blasting out EDM?” says columnist Richard Couille. “Something enormous is happening right now at a cultural level. Our society is going back to its roots, rejecting the crass materialism of Hollywood for traditional music that’s part of the Western cannon.”

Teenagers agree. “The cool thing used to be hating Western civilization,” says 17 year old John Winston. “My older sister went to Concordia University, where they taught her to hate herself and her culture. That’s what used to be cool. The losers who write for shit like Vice or Gawker still think hating the West is in. It’s not. That’s why their circulation numbers are plummeting. That’s why their sites are failing. At some point, 35 year old assholes with culture studies degrees will realize that they’re not cool anymore, that their politics are old people politics, that their cultural values are passé. Young people today would rather listen to harp music while reading Dante’s Inferno and discussing the merits of the Western Cannon than reading yet another listicle about how racist white people . We look at all these old feminists who are fast approaching middle age and we laugh at them. They’re tacky as fuck. They’re like throw backs to the 90s who wear hammer pants unironically. They still think they’re 22 years old and that they’ve got the pulse of the current generation. It’s just sad.”

Richard agrees and says that the recent teenage love affair with harp music is only one part of a much larger trend. “In recent years, popular fashion has largely been shaped by nostalgia for decades past,” says Richard. “In the years ahead, I expect popular fashion to be shaped by a rekindled interest in older cultural traditions that angry self-hating University graduates have tried to erase. Teenagers are turning their backs on post-modern pop culture. Hating Western civilization is out. Loving it is in.”

New York’s DJ Clopclop was arrested over the weekend after he played Public Enemy’s famous song Fuck Tha Police during a rave raid. The arrest has incensed thousands of the popular DJs fans who have vowed to organized protests across the country in retaliation. “No one messes with Clopclop and gets away with it,” says protest organizer Baron Beaverbrook. “We’re coordinating efforts with Clopclop fans across the internet to make the police understand that they aren’t above the law. Clopclop did nothing wrong.”

Moderators at reddit.com/r/clopclop say that their userbase will take to the streets on May 7th in order to send police officers across America a powerful message. “The clopclop community is a strong proponent of freedom of speech,” says moderator Matt Klepek. "We want justice for DJ Clopclop! He was well within his rights to play Fuck Tha Police during that raid. His arrest was a crime against humanity and we clopcloppers demand that the charges against him be dismissed.”

DJ Clopclop says that the situation has been blown out of proportion and has asked his fans not to follow through with their planned protests. “It’s not a big deal,” says DJ Clopclop. “There are so many more important causes out there to protest, and I hope the clopclop community can channel their anger about my arrest towards more productive causes.”

Montreal promoter Diana East says tickets to the city’s first axe throwing party are already sold out. “Every last ticket was bought up within 24 hours of our website for the event going online,” says Diana. “It went viral on Facebook. We didn’t realize there was such a strong demand for axe throwing parties in Montreal.”

Ticket buyers say they can’t wait to attend the event. “I’ve always felt that there was something missing at most raves,” says 24 year old University student Kayla Jennings. “And I think axe throwing might be that secret ingredient that will turn a normal party into a transcendent heavenly experience. Once dancing becomes a life or death matter that involves dodging sharp axes, it should get your blood flowing and bring you close to nirvana.”

Diana says she got the idea for the city’s first axe throwing party from a recent trip to Denmark, where citizens have long thrown axes at their raves. “The Danes don’t rave the way typical Europeans do,” says Diana. “They always bring medieval weapons to their parties and throw them in the air throughout the night. When I went to my first Danish rave, it really opened my eyes to how exciting techno can be, and that’s why I’ve decided to recreate that dangerous atmosphere in Montreal.”

The Montreal police have issued a warning to parents about a network of vile pedophiles that are throwing raves with the sole intention of finding young teenage girls to conquer sexually. “We have evidence that a group of middle aged men have begun throwing parties in our city in order to locate young girls that they can groom for sexual purposes,” says Sgt. Arnold Batista of the SPVM. “Given the serious threat that these old perverts pose to the teenagers of Montreal, we’ve decided to issue this public warning even though our investigation is still ongoing. We want parents to know that raving is full of creepy old men who want to have sex with their nubile young daughters.”

Party kids in Montreal say they’re not surprised. “Every time I go to a rave, I see some forty year old guy with a bald spot hitting on 14 year old girls,” says St-Henri’s DJ Floppy. “They usually offer the girls drugs and then take advantage of them. It’s awful. The rave community needs to band together and put an end to the tyranny of old rapey ravers.”

Promoters agree. “Me and my promoter buddies have decided to enforce age limits at all our parties,” says 43 year old event organizer Tommy Davos. “No one over 18 will be allowed. Rest assured, the young girls of Montreal will be safe at our events. We’ll treat them like delicate princesses and protect them from all the sexual predators who might want to deflower them."

The story that follows will trigger anyone with an ounce of empathy. There’s no end to the utter depravity that the human race is capable of, as evidenced by the existence of the rape race cave rave that police in Montana raided over the weekend, where officers valiantly freed over a hundred men and women from a horrid fate at the hands of depraved rave promoters.

These dastardly promoters had lured their victims to a dark cave in Montana’s central park, where they were then trapped and subjected to an assortment of sexual cruelty. “The promoters dubbed the event the Rape Race Cave Rave,” says Sgt. Don Hilkins of the Montana Police Department. “They basically organized a race to see how many ravers they could rape over the course of a night. Men, women, it didn’t matter. Their goal was to brutalize their guests like villains from a low rent horror movie.”

The police only caught wind of the event after they found a flyer for the cave rave in a parking lot in downtown Montana. “The guests are lucky that we take illegal raves seriously,” says Sgt. Hilkins. “If we had ignored the party instead of raiding it, who knows what those promoters would have done to their victims once they were through with them. There’s a reason people shouldn’t go to illegal parties, and it’s because you never know if they’ll turn out to be rape race raves. If you don’t want to be a victim of rape race rave, don’t go to illegal parties. The police won’t always be there to save you.”

Le Sade, Montreal’s premier gothic nightclub, has released a press release declaring it is the first club in North America to be powered entirely by aborted babies. “We purchase human waste products from hospitals, and then incinerate that waste for energy,” says club owner Gregory Benoit. “We got the idea for aborted baby power from a recent student in England that showed many of their hospitals over there generate energy from dead foetuses. I asked myself if hospitals were doing it in the U.K, why couldn’t Le Sade do it in Montreal?”

Gregory says that turning dead babies into electricity really helps give a certain atmosphere to his nightclub. “Le Sade is dedicated to creating a dark and nihilistic atmosphere,” says Gregory. Now when people come to my club, they’ll know that it’s the ashes of the dead that are powering the speakers that are pumping out their favourite aggrotech beats, that the cinders of the unborn are what make the lights at Le Sade flicker. The dead are what make our club boom.”

Pro-life activists are horrified by the Le Sade’s existence, though they’re not surprised. Penny Goodweather, president of the Save Babies Not Whales Foundation, says it was only a matter of time before private enterprises began using dead babies for electricity. “Once public facilities like hospitals started using dead babies as a source of fuel, it was inevitable that businesses would follow their lead,” says Penny. “The government views human beings as cattle. That’s all we are to them. We’re just meat waiting for the butcher’s block. So-called pro-choice activists don’t realize that the culture of death that they champion will inevitably lead to their own dehumanization at the hand of massive bureaucracies that view human beings as resources to be managed for the rich and powerful.”

Forget Ibiza and Bali, North Korea’s the new top party destination for wealthy ravers. Thousands of well-to-do party kids across Europe and America have been flocking to the reclusive totalitarian regime in order to dance to authentic communist techno music. “North Korea in 2016 is like Goa in 1995. It’s the heart and soul of the international rave scene,” says trendy 25 year old Melina Moulitsa. “When I’m dancing in one of their labour camps, looking at all the emaciated workers break rocks with pickaxes, I feel so free and alive. ”

North Korea has been struggling financially for decades, but that might change now that the country’s leadership has decided to pursue it’s Degenerate Westerner Financial Revitalization Plan, which calls for milking rich westerners of all their money by offering them access to easy sex, drugs, and high quality EDM.

“We want to milk the capitalist devils for all they’re worth,” says DPRK spokesperson Park Jae-Sang. “That’s why we’ve started organizing raves. We want to attract rich capitalists, then get them addicted to heroin and whores, and then steal all their money. We’ll throw the best parties in the world, parties that western trash will never want to leave from. Parties that they won’t be able to leave from.”

The DPRK has plans to open up several tourist resorts over the next decade, each one dedicated to a different techno genre.

Montreal’s vibrant lunch rave scene is facing a new and exciting challenger: the lunch time opium den. “I love lunch raves, but I love taking opium even more,” says Donald Schtroumph, the organizer of the city’s first Opium Den Lunch Break Party. “That’s why I decided to organize the city’s first lunch break opium den. We’re only open between 10am to 2pm, and during that time, we’ll offer you the best opium experience you’ve ever had. Why dance your ass off to EDM when you can chase the dragon at an old school, 19th century inspired opium den?”

Donald says that his month of operations have gone far better than he ever expected. “Business men and women from across Montreal are flocking to our lunch time opium den to see what it’s all about,” says Donald. “It’s gotten to the point where I’m going to have to open up multiple locations soon.”

Lunch time rave promoter Alice Fargo says she might not be able to compete with opium dens. “Attendance at our events have been halved since Donald opened up his opium dens,” says Alice. “I guess people would rather get high on drugs than high on techno music. It’s sad.”

Some people think that choosing the right music is the key to throwing a great party. Others believe it’s all about location, location, location. Pick the right venue, and you’ll guarantee that your guests have a great time. Teenagers in Vermont though, have an entirely different idea of what it takes to throw an epic party: bukkake, the age old Japanese practice of group ejaculation.

The ancient eastern tradition of bukkake has become a hit sensation in the sleepy state of Vermont. “Bukkake parties are incredible,” says 18 year old Jessica Underwood. “There’s nothing that makes you feel alive quite like having a room full of men ejaculate all over you. It’s so much fun!”

No one knows exactly why Vermont teenagers have embraced bukkake parties, but there’s no denying their growing popularity. “Everyone in Vermont loves bukkake,” says 48 year old Bukkake promoter Travis Grosbique. “Especially the younger generation. If you’re between the ages of 18 and 21, chances are you’re spending your Saturday night in a room full of naked people who are frantically ejaculating all over each other.”

Travis says that Vermont bukkake parties are more egalitarian than their Asian counterparts. “In Asia, bukkake usually involves a single woman surrounded by a circle of men,” says Travis. “In Vermont, bukkake parties are a lot less chauvinistic. They’re basically free for all events where men and women try to see who can come on who the most. It’s like a water gun fight, but with vulvas and testicles, and instead of water, people are using their bodily fluids. It’s great. Really primal. Really animalistic. And after you get over the ickiness of it all, it’s a lot of fun.”

Jessica agrees. “You have no idea how awesome it feels to just cut loose. You haven’t felt real freedom until you’ve tried spraying your juices all over a room full of people,” says Jessica. “It’s the definition of liberty.”

Only time will tell if Vermont bukkake parties will spread to the rest of America.

Joe Demarco, New York City’s rambunctious liberal mayor, is receiving plaudits from around the world after he told the raver community to get its act in order. “Ravers are a disgrace!,” said the mayor on a Sunday morning talk show. “They have bad taste in music and they should feel bad about that. Instead of listening to classical music or hip hop or something with real cultural value, they choose to listen to a bunch of monotonous robot farts. That’s what techno is. Robot farts.”

The comments were well received by the people of New York, who have grown increasingly tired of the drug addled antics of the city’s rave community. “We’re just sick and tired of ravers,” says Manhattan butcher Thomas Wayne. “They don’t add any value to the city. Not only that, but they chase away real artists who contribute to our culture with their loud repetitive music. I’m happy our mayor is finally picking a fight with them. The ravers have gotten away with their crap for far too long. We need to chase them out of our city.”

Ravers, for their part, are baffled by the mayor’s hostility. “I think some natty haired psytrance lover must have pissed in his cornflakes,” says New York’s DJ Clopclop. “I mean, his anti-raver rant came out of nowhere. I don’t think anyone should trust a mayor who’s that passionate about people who listen to techno. His priorities are a mess.”

Toronto will soon be home to The Detroit Beatsmith, the world’s first rave themed restaurant, where all the waiters are dressed like drug dealers, the maitre d’hotel is also a DJ, and every item on the menu is inspired by a bit of techno history. Even the poutine is EDM themed say restaurant owner Barkley Dawson.

“I wanted to create something unique, an eating experience that would transport people back to their first rave party,” says Barkley. “Hell, I even have an arrangement with the Toronto police so that they raid our restaurant every couple of weeks. You’ll be there eating your meth flavoured tacos when all of a sudden a dozen officers will bust into the restaurant and chase you outside.”

The Detroit Beatsmith is set up like a party venue and not a restaurant. “We have porta potties instead of toilets, we use strobe lights instead regular lights, our speakers are incredibly powerful so don’t expect to have normal conversations over here either,” says Barkley. “Basically, imagine a rave that also sold food. That’s what you get when you come to the Detroit Beatsmith. It’s the only restaurant of its kind.”

The restaurant will have it’s grand opening on the 28th of April. Dress codes will be effect, so patrons will have to wear fun fur pants, candy bracelets, and carry glow sticks in order to get in.

Watching anime makes you smarter, at least that’s what scientists at Vancouver’s Chinese Cartoonology Centre claim in a new study they just released. “We spent over a year studying University students who watched Chinese cartoons,” says lead researcher Dr. Ryu Kittenme. “Our research shows that these students gained one IQ point for every twenty hours of Chinese cartoons they watched.”

Dr. Kittenme says that this gain in intelligence had a price. “Unfortunately, for every IQ point they gained, our test subjects lost one potential sex partner. Simply put, people who watch too many Chinese cartoons become highly intelligent but unloveable trolls that repel the opposite sex. This is true for both men and women. Watching anime makes you smarter, but it also murders your sex life.”

Many Chinese cartoon fans say they’re not surprised by the study. “I used to struggle at school, but then I started watching the anime masterpiece Legend of the Overfiend on repeat. These days I’m at the top of my class,” says 24 year old University student David Durkheim. “Unfortunately, ever since I started my anime study regimen, women find me repulsive. I’m not sure if the price was worth it.”

Dr. Kittenme says he hopes to discover a way of neutralizing the negative effects of watching anime. “Getting smart shouldn’t come at the cost of getting off,” says the doctor. “We know how to raise people’s intelligence, now we just have to figure out how to do that without destroying their sex lives.”

Party promoters in Portland, Oregon have called on club owners to replace their coat checks with privilege checks. “It’s about time that people recognize that checking your privilege is more important than checking coats,” says DJ Randy Marsh. “I think everyone would feel a lot safer at events if customers had to check your privilege at the door. Yeah, some people might carry guns in their coat pockets, but other people carry the privilege of white systemic racism and male patriarchal oppression in the very marrow of their bones. I think it’s just good common sense that if we expect people to check coats to make clubbing environments safe, then we should also expect them to check the ways their very existence oppresses and marginalizes other people.”

Donald Wiggs, owner of Portland’s Club Cocuage, agrees. “I think any club that strives to create a safe and welcoming environment for people should institute privilege checks at the door,” says Donald. “That’s why any time a white male enters our club, we tar and feather them before they’re allowed to hit the dance floor. It’s our way of teaching white men that their very existence is horribly oppressive on a deep and immutable level. So far the results have been great.”

Patrons at Club Cocuage agree. “Oh man, I hate myself so much,” says 23 year old white male Vincent Hugo. “That’s why I love coming here! It’s like wow, this is a club that treats me with the kind of contempt that I deserve. I really hope privilege checks become more common. Just imagine how great it’ll be when white men get shit on no matter where they go? God, what a time to be alive. Kill whitey!”

Not everyone is as enthusiastic about privilege checks. “I think middle class white people are radicalizing poor white people by treating them like they’re subhuman scum,” says Felix Dorival, the owner of Portland’s Lemon Blossom Club. “A lot of anti-racist activism is really just elitism dressed up in altruistic garb. It’s going to end badly. Pissing on the poor is now socially acceptable among progressives so long as the people they’re pissing on are white. Then progressives wonder why Donald Trump has so much support. They’re idiots, and if they don’t get their shit together and start treating working class people with respect, Trump will look like Mr. Rogers compared to what follows him.”

Dubstep is out and cuckstep is in -- at least according to music producers in California. “Oh yeah, no one listens to dubstep anymore,” says Jayce Smith. “If you want to make a name for yourself in the EDM scene, you’ve got to release a cuckstep album. That’s what all the cool kids are listening to these days.”

Cuckstep is the newest, hottest music genre to set the techno world on fire. It’s what you get when you mix retarded shit that progressives say with techno music. It’s a glorious and irreverent genre designed to piss off snot nosed University brats who think that the world should kneel before them in supplication.

Punk used to be the music of rebellion, but that was back in the days before the progressive left became The Man. The rise of Silicon Valley has forever changed the political balance of our society. In the past the academic assholes who pollute our Universities were treated with the contempt that they so rightfully deserve, but now those self-important twats are being taken seriously by the socially inept losers who run Silicon Valley.

The end result is that left-wing academic bullshit has become the lingua franca of the new ruling class. Let’s be clear, these nerdy assholes don’t give two righteous fucks about gender issues or minority rights or any of the other Tumblr terms that they love to vomit up day in and day out. Left wing dogma is, in the hands of these billionaire dweebs and their noisy academic lapdogs, a shibboleth that helps identity people by their social class. Public avowals of left-wing ideology are how members of the bourgeoisie, the credentialed classes, and the nouveau riche identify each other. They promote equality in theory, but inequality in practice. The language of the political left is is the verbal equivalent of a Rolex watch or a Louis Vuitton bag. It’s all about showing off that you’re high status.

That’s what makes cuckstep so refreshing. Cuckstep mocks the empty moral posturing of the academic class. It sticks out its tongue at these naked emperors and taunts them into putting on some bloody pants.

Cuckstep takes the faux outrage of hipster student activists and turns it into a joke. Its very existence points to growing resistance against the unholy alliance of the credentialed class and its wealthy patrons. The academic left, by embracing social status as a bludgeon to use against its opponents, has made itself vulnerable to attacks on their own social status. And those attacks are just getting started.

Police in Toronto are warning citizens not to order IPAs at bars after a man was beaten to death for doing exactly that. “There’s a growing movement of people who are fed up with hipsters who blather on about their love of IPAs,” says Sgt. Hugo Heffner of the Toronto Police Department. “And who can blame them? The craft microbrew crowd can be incredibly obnoxious. I know i’ve gotten the urge to smack a snobby beer enthusiast at a bar before, but I didn’t, because it’s illegal to assault people. Just because IPA drinkers are annoying doesn’t mean you have the right to beat the shit out of them.”

IPA enthusiasts say that threats of violence won’t stop them from drinking top quality beer. “And it won’t stop us from lecturing people about their taste in beer either,” says alcoholic George Hunter. “When you drink a shitty beer, it’s like your pissing on the entire craft of brewing. It makes my blood boil. I can’t help but hector the plebes who drink Molson and Labatt. Like dude, that shit is piss water. Drink a real beer. Drink an IPA.”

Bar owners say they’ll continue selling IPAs at their establishment, though they’ll also ask beer enthusiast not to mock other’s for their choice in drinks. “We believe that all beers are created equally,” says bar owner Rafael Cruz. “You don’t get to decide which drink is better or worse. That’s an individual decision that’s up to each and every one of our patro

Public blowjobs have become de rigueur over the last few months after Donald Trump fans popularized them as part of their war on political correctness. You’ve probably all heard the story of how Jennifer Rawling, a Trumpista, gave her boyfriend Todd Ryan a blowjob on the streets of Chicago after the pair were violently attacked by an intolerant Bernie Sanders supporter.

The act, which was captured on film, has served as a rallying cry by an American public that has grown increasingly tired of left wing moral scolds. Ever since that fateful blowjob, Trump fans have been engaging in public oral sex everywhere they go. It’s their way of telling the puritanical sex negative followers of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton to fuck off.

“If Sanders supporters had their way, sex would require multiple written consent forms,” says Jason Irons, a coal miner from Virginia. “I’m not even joking, Sanders supporters believe in affirmative consent, which basically means every time you do something different during the course of a sexual encounter, you need to get explicit permission from your partner, and the only permission that counts in a court of law is the kind that’s written down. So you’re a dude and you want to switch from missionary to doggie style, well better get you’re consent form out and have your girlfriend sign on the dotted line. Insane right? That’s the kind of future that progressives like Sanders are building for us. It’s terrifying. Fuck Sanders and fuck his authoritarian nanny state followers. They want to control our sexuality, but we won’t let them. We’re going to give each other blowjobs. We’ll do it publicly. And we’ll do it in ways that piss off the regressive left wing bigots who are trying to usher in some bizarro sexual dystopia where you need to ask the state for permission every time you change sexual positions.”

Trump fans love the fact that they’re weaponizing blowjobs.

“I hope we turn the left off oral sex,” says Jason. “I hope we end up creating an indelible link in the public imagination between blowjobs and conservative politics, that way progressives will never again enjoy a good old fashioned hummer.”

Hundreds of ravers at an Easter themed party in Vancouver’s west end have flocked to the internet with claims that Jesus attended their event. “Jesus raved with us,” says promoter Bernadict Cumblepott. “The real Jesus, god in the flesh, floated down to our party and danced his ass off to some sick dubstep before he flew back to heaven. As God as my witness, this really happened.”

Other guests agreed. “It was surreal. A long haired bearded Jewish looking guy floated down from the sky, took over the DJ booth, and started spinning some crazy beats,” says raver Tina Forscythe. “Then, after he played his set, he flew on to the dance floor where he busted moves like only the holy spirit can. Jesus is a raver and he knows how to DJ better than the devil can.”

Internet atheists are adamant that the ravers who reported sighting Jesus were all suffering from a collective delusion. “Look, as a long time atheist who likes arguing with people over Twitter and Reddit, I can tell you that God doesn’t exist,” says skeptic Henry Fedora. “And anyone who disagrees with me is a lunatic who shouldn’t be allowed to vote. I mean, do you really want to share political power with ravers who say they partied with Jesus over the weekend? They’re insane. We need to lock them up and throw away the key.”

North America’s raver community is gathering in Toronto this weekend to help organize a worldwide PLUR evangelist movement.

PLUR, which stands for Peace Love Unity Respect, is an old raver mantra that members of the psytrance community hope to reinvigorate. “We want to spread the PLUR,” says community organizer Hillary Lalonde. “We believe that PLUR can save the world, and that’s why it’s time to create a movement that will teach people about the concept.”

The gathering will be host to dozens of seminars and workshops dedicated to teaching ravers how to convince and persuade people. “Rave culture needs to spread beyond the party scene,” says Hillary. “We need to go out into the world and teach people the ways of PLUR. By the end of the weekend thousands of ravers will have learned how to spread the gospel.

The goal, says Hillary, is to build an army of evangelists who will go door to door to teach people about peace, love, unity, and respect. “PLUR is the one true way. It is the path to salvation. It is the only key that can unlock the mysteries of creation,” says Hillary. “In the not too distant future, you might find yourself sitting at home watching television when you’ll hear a knock on the door. You’ll get up to see who’s there, and lo and behold, it’ll be a natty haired psytrance fan clutching a copy of Generation Ecstasy in one hand and a bag of crystal meth in the other. They’ll ask you if you’ve heard the good news. And before you know it, you’ll have become a PLUR convert. That’s the future we’re hoping to build. A world where PLUR rules over us all with a mighty fun furred fist.”

One of the keys to the Nazi party’s early military success was that it gave its soldiers Pervitin, a form of crystal meth. “Meth played a huge role in Nazi Germany,” says historian Nikolas Coudenhove. “Nearly all their soldiers took it. It gave them super human endurance and had a host of other benefits, at least initially.”

The nazi love of crystal is one reason why social justice advocates have begun sounding alarms about the rave community. “Ravers and party kids love crystal meth, but so did nazis,” says Concordia activist Jaime Pasleshum. “And I don’t think it’s a coincidence at all. If ravers like the same drugs nazis like, I think that says everything we need to know about ravers. They’re really nazis.”

Professors at Concordia agree. “The fact that both nazis and ravers love crystal meth is a sign that there is something deeply racist about raving,” says sociologist Gerald Brunswick. “If ravers weren’t racists, why do so many of them enjoy taking a drug that Hitler gave his soldiers? I think ravers secretly agree with Hitler about his politics, and that’s why they take crystal meth.”

Most ravers who take crystal meth don’t see it that way, though. “I just like the way makes me feel,” says 18 year old drug addict Carly Fiora. “I don’t care about politics, I just care about getting high. Just because some nazis were meth heads doesn’t mean all meth heads are nazis.”

Karla Fiona celebrated her 40th birthday by sleeping with 40 men, and she couldn’t have done it without the help of a certain Montreal business that helps people organize orgies on their special day. “I wanted to do something incredible for the big four oh,” says Karla. “I was thinking about booking a trip to Paris or getting myself a new car, but then a friend told me about Todd Ackerman’s Birthday Gangbang Events and I knew in my heart of hearts that I had to do it for my big day. Forty men in a single night. I’m so happy I did it. I’ll cherish the memory for the rest of my life.”

Todd Ackerman has been organizing birthday gang bangs for the last two years, and he says business has been booming. “I’m at the point where i’m organizing two birthday gang bangs every day,” says Todd. “I’ve actually had to hire an assistant to help me organize these events, it’s just getting to be a little much.”

Todd says that the number of people you get to sleep with at one of his events depends entirely on your age. “A 21 year old will get to sleep with 21 people, a 50 year old with 50 people,” says Todd. “I think there’s something special about that. Like each person you fuck represents a year of your life. It’s almost spiritual in a way.”

Gang bangs are becoming increasingly popular ways for people to celebrate their birthday says Todd. “Yeah, I think as orgies become more socially acceptable, more and more people will decide to hire my services,” says Todd. “You haven’t really celebrated your birthday until you’ve had sex with dozens of people in one giant body crushing evening of mind blowing bliss.””

Prostitution is now more common than dating claims a controversial new study by the New York City Urban Realities Commission. “Our research suggests that men and women today are more likely to turn to prostitution than they are the dating market,” says sociologist Dr. Quayim Degopolous. “Five years ago, this wasn’t the case, but thanks to the rise in internet dating, paying for sex has become easier than establishing healthy and rewarding relationships.”

According to the study, 70% of men would rather hire a prostitute than date a woman while 80% of women say they’d rather be paid for sex than give it away for free in a relationship. “We have become a society of whores and johns,” says Dr. Degopolous. “Romance has been replaced with a very mercantile approach to sexuality. Every year the ties that bind men and women together break down a bit more, to the point where only money now binds the sexes together. It’s tragic.”

Dr. Degopolous says that if something isn’t done, marriage and dating might give way to a purely commoditized sexuality where every human being has a price. “We are on the verge of creating a world where men and women only view each other in strictly instrumental terms, as transactional objects that exist within a market devoid of human warmth. It’s almost as if our society is being manipulated by a merchant class hell bent on turning human beings into cattle. The moment we end up putting a price on human affection, a price on sexual gratification, a price on social interaction, is the moment we strip ourselves of our dignity and sentence ourselves to a commodified existence. And who benefits from turning human beings into objects that can be leased, rented, bought and sold? The people who run our economy, that’s who! The bankers. The merchants. The financiers. They want us to start thinking of ourselves as having a price. That’s how they view us and that’s how they want us to view ourselves.”

Pick-up artists agree that society has gone off the rails recently. “Ten years ago, pick up artists could go to bars and find women who were willing to be seduced,” says Henry Gauyim. “Today though, if you go to a bar and start flirting with a woman, she’ll just ask you up front how much you’d pay her for a blowjob. It’s insane. Something terrifying has happened over the last ten years. We’re witnessing the Weimar-ification of Western civilization. Game doesn’t work anymore because men and women have decided that sex is business. Romance is dead. Seduction is over. Only the almighty dollar matters now.”

Dr. Degopolous warns that the commodification of sexuality could lead to the death of our species. “Once virtual reality provides a decent alternative to real sex, men will decide to save money and time by investing in virtual waifus,” says Dr. Degopolous. “If virtual waifus can provide the same sexual pleasure as real people, than real sex will become a thing of the past. Why pay a flesh and blood human being every time you want sex when you can just buy yourself a virtual waifu and have sex with them whenever you want? When we make sex a purely financial affair, we incentivize the creation of cheaper and more cost-efficient alternatives to meat space encounters. Our society needs to resacralize sexuality and re-introduce empathy and compassion into our relationships, otherwise we are in for a very unpleasant future.”

The Canadian government will send a dozen furries dressed up like lions, dogs, and foxes to Syria next May to negotiate with the leaders of ISIS claims a leaked report. “Prime Minister Trudeau is a visionary who realizes that only socially enlightened furries can defeat Islamic radicalism,” says a liberal party insider. “Thats why he’s assembled a crack team of feminists who dress like cartoon animals to convince ISIS to lay down their arms and embrace peace. These furries were scouted from the most progressive corners of the internet and are well versed in intersectional feminism, otherkin theology, and critical race theory. They understand that ISIS and its members are victims of white cis-male heteronormative privilege and will teach ISIS how to dismantle the systems of power that oppress them by using feminist dialectics and cartoon animal performance therapy instead of violence.” In simple English, Justin Trudeau believes he can end ISIS by teaching its members how to insult people over twitter using feminist rhetoric while dressed up like cartoon animals.

The report doesn’t explain why this plan has any chance of succeeding, but that hasn’t stopped it from drawing rave reviews from Canada’s pundit class. “The Feminist Furry ISIS Peace Plan is the most brilliant piece of foreign policy i’ve ever encountered,” says CBC journalist Alex Crisdecon. “And I can tell you, my opinion is shared by everyone else at CBC. We all agree that only a combination of feminist dialectics and cartoon animal performance therapy can end the civil war in Syria and bring peace to the Middle East.”

Selina Miles, president of the Canadian Federation of University Professors, agrees. “Only Prime Minister Trudeau could come up with something as brilliant as the Feminist Furry ISIS Peace Plan,” says Selina. “And that’s a point of view shared by the vast majority of University professors in Canada. We all agree with Trudeau!”

The plan might be popular with the over-educated imbeciles who run our Universities and media, but average Canadians aren’t so sure it’ll work out. “I just don’t think sending feminist furries to Syria is a good idea,” says 45 year old Joe Dorval. “I don’t know, it just seems stupid. If these animal costume weirdos came to my local pub and started yelling at the guys there about feminism, we’d beat the shit out of them. I can’t imagine the response will be any better in Syria.”

Selina disagrees. “The feminist furries we send to Syria won’t be attacked the way they would in Canada,” says Selina. “Canada is a barbaric nation full of violent and uncouth men incapable of moral reasoning, so obviously they believe that Trudeau’s plan won’t work. Ugh, white men who aren’t feminists shouldn’t be allowed to vote. They’re so stupid and disgusting and awful. Intersectionality akbar!”

Half a dozen clubs in Montreal have agreed to phase out dancing in order to make way for anal sex circles. “We want to help our customers really get to know each other,” says Fonzo Faroush, the president of The Montreal Club Guild, an organization that represents over fifty of the city’s largest night life hang outs. “We’ll be introducing the anal sex circle to six clubs with intention of expanding the practice until all fifty of our locations have replaced dancing with it.”

Fonzo says that anal sex circles are just like dancing, but a lot more fun. “Women can take part too, all they need to do is bring a strap on to the club to join in,” says Fonzo. “So it’s not a practice that discriminates against people based on their gender.”

Anal sex circles have grown in popularity over the last three years, as dozens of clubs across North America have begun opening their dance floors to the practice. “Soon, we won’t even call them dance floors,” says Fonzo. “They’ll be anal sex circle floors. It’s going to be wild. Just imagine, a few years from now, no matter which club you go to, everyone will be right there thrusting their hips against each other in one giant happy circle, grinding against each other in the most intimate matter. That’s community, right there. That’s the future.”

Researchers at McGale University are trying to answer a question that’s baffled millions for decades: why do ravers have freakishly long demon like toe nails? “It’s almost as if the moment people start listening to EDM, their toe nails become sharp, pointy black claws,” says Dr. Anderson Brodley. “Is it the music that does this to people? If so, why?”

Priests theorize that techno music derives its rhythmic potency from Satan, the dark lord of the underworld. “When you listen to techno, you open up your heart to the devil, and then the devil begins to transform you into one of his hellions,” says Rev. George Henry. “The changes start with your feet, because that’s the devil’s way of letting the world know that though ravers walk among us on earth, a part of them dances with the devil in the deep fiery pits of hell.”

Dr. Broadley is inclined to agree. “As a scientist, I don’t readily believe in superstitions, but there’s no earthly explanations for why techno music should give you clawsm” says Dr. Broadley. “It just doesn’t make scientific sense, and yet whenever a raver takes of their shoes, lo and behold, their feet will look like something out of a horror movie. Satan is starting to look like a plausible explanation.”

The Vatican agrees, which is why it’s assembling a task force to investigate raver feet. “If we determine that raver claws are indeed the work of the devil, it will have grave implications for the Catholic faith,” says Vatican spokesman Ronald River. “Once demons begin walking the earth, the end of time is nigh and armageddon can’t be that far off.”

DJ Gavinnes was hospitalized over the weekend after he had a dildo induced seizure, say close friends who asked to remain anonymous. “Gavinnes just started going over board with his dildo and anal bead collecting,” says the source. “He picked up the hobby for fun a few years ago, but something snapped in his brain after his boyfriend dumped him last fall, and soon he was spending every last waking minute of every day scouring the internet for more sex toys to buy.”

The source claims that his compulsion to buy sex toys became all consuming. “He stopped eating food, he stopped showering, he stopped going to parties and playing music,” says the source. “All he ever did was buy more dildos and anal beads. Every single day. He’d just order them by the dozens. His entire apartment was full of them, sometimes up to the ceiling. It was the weirdest, scariest case of hoarding you could possibly imagine.”

According to the source, when DJ Gavinnes wasn’t busy buying dildos and anal beads, he was busy cataloging and organizing them. “Sometimes he’d just lie on his bed caressing them like they were human beings,” says the source. “I tried helping him, all of his close friends did, but he told us he didn’t need us in his life as much as he needed his dildo and anal beads and he cut off contact with us.”

His friends grew concerned after they didn’t hear from him for several weeks, so they went over to his apartment where they discovered him on the floor, convulsing as saliva dripped from his mouth. “It was absolutely horrible. Just tragic.”

Psychologists say that hoarding is a mental illness that can come in a variety form. “Some people hoard used candy wrappers, other people hoard sex toys,” says Dr. William Penfield of the Westmount Abornmal Psychiatry Clinic. “What happened to DJ Gavinnes is only shocking because he chose to fixate on sex toys instead of something more mundane. In the end, what we hoard doesn’t matter nearly as much as we hoard, and I hope people who become familiar with this case keep that in mind.”

You can’t walk down the streets of Montreal right now without bumping into a woman clutching one of Vivica Johnson’s ass purses, the year’s break out fashion hit. Vivica, a Mile End based purse maker, has been crafting quirky handbags for over a decade, but didn’t hit the big time until her distinctive puckered sphincter design caught the eyes of the internet last Christmas, propelling her into the upper echelons of haut couture overnight. Today fashionable women from Amsterdam to Zimbabwe are clamouring for an ass purse of their own, hoping to wow onlookers with their provocative sense of style.

“It’s a been a crazy ride,” says Vivica. “I’ve sold over ten thousand ass purses since Christmas. There’s a huge backlog right now as I struggle to find manufactures to help me get them into the hands of buyers.” The popularity has taken Vivica by surprise, who is busily moving from her current studio to a large factory in the old port. “I can’t wait to be able to ship these babies out. I think I’m going to make a lot of women happy.”

Vivica claims she was inspired to make an ass purse after growing jaded with the fashion industry. “The fashion world is 100% unadulterated bullshit,” says Vivica. “And that’s why I designed my ass purse. The fashion industry spends millions and millions of the dollars trying to get women to buy their bullshit. They lie to us through ads, they manipulate us through magazines, they trick us into running inside a never ending hamster wheel. Every season fashion changes, and they try to convince us to buy the latest new releases. It’s all crap. All of it. My ass purse is a giant fuck you to fashion industry. Fashion is bullshit, and when you wear one of my purses, you’re letting the world know you don’t care about keeping up with the taste makers of Paris and Milan. By carrying around a puckered anus purse, you’re telling all these snobs that you think they’re full of shit.”

Montreal’s DJ Ardifakz was arrested in Vancover over the weekend after he flew across the continent to beat up an autistic 14 year old girl who kept insulting him over twitter. “That girl had it coming,” says DJ Ardifakz. “She kept saying I was a bad DJ, that my music sucks, that I didn’t have any talent. It was just a non-stop stream of vitriol. You can’t tell someone they’re a shitty DJ and not expect them to buy a $3,000 plane ticket and travel several thousand miles to beat you up. That’s perfectly normal response.”

Deejayologists agree, mostly. “It’s not normal for healthy human beings, but DJs aren’t healthy. Hell, some would argue they’re not even fully human,” says Dr. Paul Pott, head of Concordia’s Department of DJ Studies. “Most DJs have poor impulse control and complete inability to tell right from wrong. A normal person can walk from an insult, but DJs are incapable of doing that. Their brains are structured in a way that makes them respond to threats the way a feral wolf would. They see insults as an existential threat. That’s why you should never mock or tease a DJ if you value your life.”

Police say that DJs are constantly tracking down their detractors and beating them. “It must be exhausting to be a DJ,” says Sgt. Leo Bautista of the Vancouver police department. “When they’re not making music, they’re traveling around the world attacking their enemies. Imagine living a life like that, a life where blood lust dominates every aspect of your day. It’s my job to arrest people who break the law, but I can’t help but pity DJs. They’re lives are full of hatred and biles. It’s really sad.”

Most DJs agree. “I don’t want to kill my enemies, but I can’t help it,” says DJ Rogan Fresh of Quebec City. “When someone calls me a bad name over the internet, I become obsessed with hunting them down like prey. My entire life starts revolving around tracking them down. It’s a compulsion. I can’t help it.”

Dr. Pott says that he’s working with his colleague to develop novel ways of treating DJ rage. “There’s no current treatment for DJ rage, and that needs to change,” says Dr. Pott. “We can’t have people like Ardifakz flying across the country to beat up teenage girls. We need to help DJs learn to control their anger. We need to teach them that violence isn’t the answer.”

Leaders from Canada’s five major political parties released a joint statement on Monday condemning Anime Nationalism and calling it a threat to liberal democracy. “It’s time for the people of Canada to recognize that a new menace has emerged from the shadows, intent on destroying our freedoms, our culture, our very way of life,” says Prime Minister Tristan Judo. “The enemy isn’t radical Islam, it isn’t conservatism, it isn’t progressivism. No! I have seen the real enemy. They are the otaku, the weeaboos, the anime fanatics who lurk in the dark corners of the internet, stalking their prey like voracious monsters with bottomless pits for stomachs. If we do not defeat them today, they will defeat us tomorrow. The threat is real, and we must be prepared for their onslaught.”

Anime Nationalists hit the scene in a large way this year after the Weeaboo Liberation Army took hostages in Boston in early January. Officials in Massachusetts’s say that we can expect more anime related terrorism in the future. “These people, they’re smart, they’re dedicated, and they’re incredibly vicious,” says ex-FBI agent Donald Scully. “They won’t until they’ve made Make Anime Great again. They want to rebuild the West to reflect their anime sensibilities, to create a society where women are more kawaii and where senpai are finally noticed. They’re against democracy, against equality, against open borders. People want to laugh at the otaku, but they need to be afraid.”

Many in the mainstream media have already sounded the alarm. Republican strategist Richard Wilkinson says that Donald Trump has become the standard bearer for the anime nationalist movement, with over 85% of his supporters identifying with characters from Naruto and One Piece. “Most Trump supporters are obsessed with Anime,” says Richard. “They want to live inside the cartoons they watch, and that’s why they support Trump, who is a larger than life cartoon character straight out of an 1980s post-apocalyptic anime.”

The Trump campaign, for it’s part, has distanced itself from the terroristic elements of the anime nationalist movements. “We don’t believe that people should die over Chinese cartoons,” says Trump campaigner Godfrey Orkenheimer. “We love the Chinese and their cartoons, don’t get us wrong, we just don’t think people should be out taking hostages because of them. That’s not the way we do things in America. It’s weak. And we’re not weak!”

Ohayo Gozaimasu, a 19 year old Anime Nationalist, says that Richard doesn’t know what he’s talking about. “First, no self-respecting anime nationalist would watch Naruto or One Piece. They’re garbage. We want to make anime great again, to revitalize the industry so that every anime released matches Legends of the Galactic heroes in quality and substance. Western civilization will only be restored to greatness once anime has been restored to greatness. Second, there is no way that Trump supporters have bad taste in Anime. Every Trump voter I know loves Berserk and LotGH and Neon Genesis Evangelion, not goddamn Naruto.”

Ohayo says that the anime nationalist movement owes it’s entire existence to the Legend of the Galactic Heroes, a series about autocratic space Germans who wage a war of conquest against a corrupt democracy while simultaneously fending off a secretive cult of space Jews who use their economic might to manipulate foreign governments. “Legend of the Galactic Heroes is our Mein Kampf,” says Ohayo. “It forms the spiritual basis of our politics. As the series teaches us, while the worst democracy is better than the worst dictatorship, the best dictatorship is better than the best democracy. We want to create a totalitarian state because, if we succeed, it’ll usher in a new era for the human race, an era where everything is sugoi. If we fail, it’ll suck, but I think it’s worth the risk.”

Men’s rights activists from across the world will be descending on Montreal next May for the city’s first Racist Furry Convention. John Wiggleson, the founder of the convention, said he wanted to help introduce Montreal to it’s community of loathsome bigots in a fun and exciting new way. “Most people don’t know that nearly three quarters of all MRAs are racist furries,” says John. “They love dressing up as anthropomorphic animals who hate yankees and women with a feral passion. Unfortunately, MRAs are shunned by the public which I think is unfair. That’s why I’m hosting this convention, because I want to introduce the public our warm and fuzzy brand of bigotry, which has less cross burning and more miffing.”

Clay Kloplop is a long time racist furry from the suburb of Dorval who says he can’t wait to attend the RFC. “It’s very hard being an MRA in Montreal, since you can’t go around wearing your confederate flag themed furry outfit without getting into trouble,” says Clay. “I just want to be openly proud of my MRA status, and this Racist Furry Convention is the thing I needed to come out of the closet to tell the world that’s i’m a proud MRA. I hate my mom and i’m going to take that hatred out on the world, and that’s okay!”

Clay’s mom, Darcy Kloplop, doesn’t share his glee. “I should have aborted the bastard when I first found out I was pregnant,” says Darcy. “Instead, I now have to live with the ignominy of having raised a son who is so utterly broken, he’s joined a weird cult of women hating racists who dress up like cartoon characters. What have I done to deserve this? Why does god hate me?”

Nothing, says MRA specialist Grace Witkins. “Every society has it’s fringe weirdos who engage in harmful behaviour,” says Grace. “Ours has to put up with sexually frustrated grown men who dress up like fascist teddy bears, which is probably better than dealing with armed gangs of violent marauders. It still sucks though.”

Tickets go on sale soon!

Party promoter Thomas LaRouche, the man behind Montreal’s extraordinarily successful Dias De La Punta Parties, credits his success to an unusual daily ritual. “Every morning before I take my shower, I like to stand in front of a full body mirror and masturbate to my own reflection,” says Thomas. “I think it’s impossible to make the most out of your life if you don’t love yourself. That’s why I always start the day with an act of outrageous self-love. All the millions I’ve made are a direct result of my mirror masturbation strategy.”

Psychologists say that Mr. Larouche’s masturbating technique makes sense. “Science shows that self-compassion and self-esteem both have profound effects on the quality of our lives,” says Dr. Yakubu Gowon. “Researchers haven’t studied the effects that erotic self-love might have on a person yet, which is a shame. I think Mr. Larouche might be a pioneer. Perhaps years from now, doctors will prescribe auto-masturbation therapy to patients with depression. It’s quite exciting to think about. Masturbation as therapy! The human body is linked the human mysterious ways.”

Mr. Larouche says he’s currently writing a book about his masturbation habits that he believes will unlock people’s blocked potential. “When you start your day by masturbating to yourself, you’re sending a clear message to the world: you’re so awesome, you turn yourself on.” says Mr. Larouche. “And your body responds to that message. Your posture changes, the way you carry yourself in public changes, the way you look at the world changes, and the world looks at you changes. Masturbating to yourself unlocks your full potential. People who don’t do it are limiting their opportunities to succeed. They need to jack off to level up.”

Larouche says his book will be available in stores by the end of the year.

The Alliance of Bourgeois English Music Critics has released a petition calling for the governments of the world to ban lyrics that they find offensive. “As English speaking University educated liberals, we have an obligation to impose our moral sensibilities on the rest of the world,” says ABEMC president John Wainright. “If we don’t police the morality of the plebes by choosing what cultural products they can consume, they’ll get unruly and begin challenging us on matters of social justice, which will lead to our losing control over them. We can’t allow that, and that’s why it’s time for governments to begin restricting free speech. If it offends a white English speaking progressive, it needs to be against the law.”

Liberal art graduates across the English speaking world agree. “God, I think it’s just terrible that some people listen to music that has lyrics I find oppressive,” says Cindy Goering, the daughter of a business man who owns several fast food restaurants in Brookyln. “As an affluent University graduate from New York City, I think it’s completely unacceptable that people who don’t share my politics are writing lyrics that mock my beliefs. Us privileged progressives form the moral centre of the Universe. Everything that doesn’t revolve around us needs to be crushed and destroyed.”

John agrees. “University educated liberals have been quite successful in colonizing popular culture over the last fifteen years,” says John. “We’ve succeeded in marginalizing voices that challenge our self-serving anglocentric conceptions of social justice, but it’s time for us to go even further now. We need to criminalize dissent. We need to make it physically dangerous for people to challenge our politics. In order for us to create a world where everyone is subservient to the interests of urbanite progressive anglophones, we need to use the power of the state to punish our detractors. The working class, unfortunately, still hasn’t gotten around to mindlessly obeying us, and that is simply intolerable. They need to get with the program. Our petition to ban musical lyrics we find offensive is just one more push to help make that happen. It’s not enough, but we’re doing our part, and I hope all the other bourgeois University graduates will do theirs. Remember, working class scum: if you disagree with an English speaking liberal about anything, you deserve to die! We don’t have the power to kill you yet, but one day we will. So just agree with us now so we don’t have to hang you from a lamp post later."

Hamish Dorée, the owner of Montreal’s famed clothing retailer Les Gros Beau Vestes, has publicly admitted that his twenty year heroin addiction is the reason behind his business success. “Heroin has a really bad reputation,” says Hamish, “but if you use it responsibly, you can easily double your work productivity. The reason that my business has done so well was that heroin enabled me to push through when things were getting hard to handle.”

The successful retailer says that whenever life threw him a curve ball, he’d curl up with an eight ball of heroin and everything would be right with the world again. “Running a business is very hard. It’s a tremendous responsibility that involves the livelihood of your employees and the wellbeing of their families,” says Hamish. “A lot of business owners buckle under that pressure. I never had to worry about that, though, because whenever I got stressed out, I just pulled out a spoon and a needle and chased the dragon for a bit. When you get high on heroin, it’s like you press the reset button on your stress levels. This frees you up emotionally to refocus on your business.”

Hamish doesn’t understand why more business owners aren’t getting high on heroin. “I think MBA programs should teach all their students about the benefits of taking heroin,” says Hamish. “If all the CEOs in America had a heroin habit, we never would have suffered through the recession of 2008. Bernie Sanders should add a plank to his platform that promises to forcefully inject all CEOs with heroin on a daily basis. That’s what America needs right now. More heroin for business leaders will lead to a healthier, more equitable economy that everyone benefits from. Just ask my employees! I’m a good boss because I’m a high boss.”

A recent Quintiak poll shows that a majority of adults disapprove of teenagers fascination with pube suits, costumes that have holes in the armpits and pubic area on which long flowing locks of hair are attached. Nearly 65% of adults said that pube suits were affronts to common decency and that they would never allow their children to wear one.

It’s precisely this disapproval that has made the outfits so popular, claims sociologist Solomon Bundy. “Teenagers in our society are constantly trying to make their parents obsolete,” says Solomon. “Capitalism places paces in competition with their children, and so it encourages them to find new and novel ways in which to thoroughly and utterly humiliate their parents. The pube suit is simply a response to capitalism’s incessant demands that everything become a competition. Children must differentiate themselves from their parents and prove them to be morally and ethically out of date. The more parents resist the pube suit, the more children will view it as a sign of their parents weakness, and the more they’ll popularize it. In the not too distant future, ten or so years from now, nearly everyone in public below the age of 30 will be wearing pube suits to work, to school, to the gym. That’s the future capitalism has given us. A future where people attach fake her to their armpits and pubic areas.”

Betty Gray, a 17 year old student at Saint Ruckus High School, says she loves pube suits because they help her fit in at school. “It’s not that i’m trying to make my parents obsolete, it’s just that wearing pube suits is the only way to be cool at school right now,” says Betty. “If you don’t wear one, people will make fun of you and bully you. I don’t want to be a loser. I want to be a winner. I want to be popular. That’s why I love my pube suits.”

Scientists at McGale University have released a shocking study that confirms something most people have long suspected: listening to EDM can make you retarded -- or mentally unique, depending on which side of the culture war you’re on. “We prefer the term mentally unique,” says lead researcher Dr. Gill Williams. “Retarded is an ableist slur that minimizes the lived experiences of a community that has been marginalized by the cis-normative patriarchal working class that rules over our society with an iron fist. That said, yes, it does appear that EDM alters people’s brain structure in a way that makes them mentally unique so that they no longer fit into the straight jacket of normative behaviour expected of us. The more EDM you listen to, the more special you become. And that’s great, because our society needs more diversity. We need everyone to become more mentally unique.”

Not everyone considers this is a good thing. “First off, mentally unique is a euphemism for retarded,” says Jack Calice, president of the The Academy Delenda Est Foundation. “Now, I value scientists who engage in research that illuminate the ways popular culture is turning us into mouth breathing, knuckle dragging degenerates. Dr. Williams has performed an invaluable service to mankind by showing that techno music turns people into retards. However, I take umbrage at the way she sugar coats mental retardation and tries to spin it as something desirable. It’s okay to have normative preferences in society, it’s okay to want to establish baselines of mental health in our communities. It’s okay to say that something is normal. This entire fetishization of the fringe and marginalized is going to lead to the breakdown of civil society and the rise of violence on a massive social scale. You can’t have social cohesion without having goddamn norms that people share. Stop trying to make the fringes the centre of society, because eventually society will break into pieces and all the privileged blue blooded retards who work in our Universities and staff our bureaucracies will realize that human nature is, at it’s core, capable of incredible brutality and violence. We need norms because they stop us from killing each other. Get rid of norms, and eventually, we’ll get back to doing what we do best, which is watering the earth with each other’s blood. Norms suck on people who break them. That’s a fact. Are norms fair to people who fall on the wrong side of those norms? No, they’re not. Guess what, life isn’t fucking fair. None of us asked to be born. We were all thrown into the future without our consent, given strength and weaknesses we had no hand in choosing. Life is suffering. It’s a few brief decades of pain and misery and anxiety followed by eternal darkness. Our generation in the West has managed to escape the utter brutality that has shaped most human beings for most of recorded history. This peace will not last because the people who now control our society have lost sight of human nature’s dark side. Dr. Williams is a symptom of this trend. Instead of simply owning the fact that being retarded sucks ass, she wants us to pretend that it’s a good thing. It’s not. It’s a kick in the teeth in a world that’s always kicking people in the teeth. Stop celebrating weakness and labelling them strengths. Or don’t. I don’t care. When society starts collapsing all around you and the hoards start raping and pillaging everything, you’ll deserve it. If listening to techno retards your intellectual capacities, it’s okay to say it makes you retarded. ”

Dr. Williams disagrees. “Human beings are inherently good, it’s only culture that turns us to violence and depravity,” says Dr. Williams. “The language we choose to use determines how people in our society relate to each other. We need to erase the margins in society so that everyone feels included and cared for -- the idea that there needs to be fringes that exclude people in order for society to remain cohesive is nonsense. Our study on how techno causes people to become mentally unique has now become part of a larger conversation on ableism and marginalization. In this way, I am glad that troglodytes like Jack Calice are speaking out, as it allows us to shine a spotlight on his hatred. We, as a society, have a long way to go before everyone feels welcome and embraced.”

A Canadian psychologist is sounding the alarm on Bieber Fever, saying that the disease has finally gone too far. “It used to be, if you were obsessed with Justin Bieber, you’d just spend all your money buying his CDs, his clothing, or tickets to his concerts,” says Dr. Gwen Stazi, the world’s leading Bieberologist. “Today, though, women with Bieber fever have begun indulging in extremely unhealthy behaviours thanks to the internet, which allows mentally unhinged people to network with each other, creating sick communities that normalize mental illness. Fifteen years ago, super fans would engage in harmless idol worship. They’d cover their walls in posters, wear shirts of their favourite stars, collect memorabilia. But now, thanks to websites like Twitter and Tumblr, the fans are creating new ways of connecting to their idol, ways that aren’t necessarily good for their own wellbeing. Fans compete with each other over the internet, pushing each other to engage in increasingly bizarre behaviour.”

Dr. Stazi points out to one of the more alarming practices that has evolved out of the Bieber Fever fandom. “Most Bieber fans todays will ostracize you if you don’t have your very own Bieber Sex Dungeon,” says Dr. Stazi. “Your typical Bieber Sex Dungeon is a sparsely furnished white room covered in Bieber posters. The room usually has a mattress on the floor and on that mattress will be a well hung Justin Bieber sex doll. Fans expect you to build a room like this, then photograph yourself in the room giving head to your plastic life sized Bieber doll. If you don’t do this, they won’t accept as you as one of them.”

Dozens of young women have committed suicide after being excommunicated from the Belieber legions. “If your Bieber Sex Dungeon doesn’t earn the approval of other Beliebers, they’ll turn on you with a viciousness that would terrify even the most dangerous biker gang member,” says Dr. Stazi. “They’ll call up your work and try to get you fired. They’ll stalk you outside your house and pelt you with rocks. Being a Belieber requires an unhealthy amount of emotional dedication. It’s like a cult, and when the cult banishes you, it’s easy to feel as if your life is unmoored and meaningless. That’s why Bieber Fever is so dangerous. It’s okay to love his music, but you know, if you feel like you need to build a sex dungeon dedicated to him, you might want to ask yourself if you’re living a healthy, wholesome life.”

The decade long war between psytrance DJs and dubsteb DJs is on the verge of ending as members from both camps agreed to hold peace talks in March. “It’s time for us to end this cruel war,” says dubstep Patriarch Alphonso Ruthord. “Too many people have died in the name of deep bass and sick parties. We must put an end to this senseless bloodsheds that divides our musical communities. It is time for us to unite under a single brotherhood of EDM. The war must stop!”

Pope Algo Rithm, who heads the Church of Psytrance, agrees. “The days of hippie loving psytrance fans murdering meth addicted dubstep fans are over. It is time for our two people to heal the divisions that have torn us a part. We have suffered far too much in the years since the great schism of 2003. Now though, we must unite and become a single force in order to defend our fatherland from the invading hordes of hipster feminists, brainwashed by neoliberal propaganda machine, who have come to erase our communities and assimilate us into their bourgeois collective. If we do not unite to fight the hipsters, twenty years from now, dubstep and psytrance will no longer exist. The only music we’ll be allowed to listen to will be whatever garbage that affluent University educated feminists force down our ears.”

Patriarch Ruthord shares Pope Algo’s view. “Everywhere you turn, the tentacles of hipster feminism extend their reach. Popular culture is being colonized by rich white women from Ivy League universities. Today, if your art doesn’t satisfy their politics, they will use neoliberal globalist media outlets to destroy you personally. These hipster feminists, who work for billion corporations owned by neoliberal globalists, will ruin your life if you dare stand up against them. Eventually, they’ll turn to techno, the same way they’ve turned to everything else. They’ll try to colonize us, to turn our art and our music into another tentacle of the neoliberal globalist machine. We can’t keep killing each other when hipster feminists are amassing an army on our borders with the intent of invading us. We must unite now, or we will die tomorrow.”

Many psytrance and dubstep fans agree. “It’s time we stop hating each other and start hating hipster feminists who consume shitty media like VICE, which is owned in part by Ruper Murdoch,” says 23 year old rave Paul Piché. “How the fuck can you claim to be an anti-capitalist feminist when you work for Rupert goddamn Murdoch? At some point over the last twenty years, billionaires co-opted feminism and turned it into a weapon that they use to control society. We can’t let them colonize psytrance and dubstep the way they’re colonizing the rest of our culture. If we don’t resist modern feminism, our communities will die. In order to survive, we need to become allies against our common enemy: middle class white people who read Gawker, Vice, and other shitty media outlets that cater to bourgeois scum. Fuck them and fuck their classist feminism. EDM ÜBER ALLES!”

Nearly a quarter of Montrealers between the ages of 18 and 45 are currently dating anime body pillows claims online retailer Waifu4You. “Montreal is leading the world in body pillow relationships,” says Waifu4You founder Ted Snakeyeux. “The city is a real trendsetter when it comes to creating new ways of relating to inanimate objects. This is good news for environmentalists who worry about the booming human population. The more people date sexy body pillows, the less babies are born, the healthier our planet will become.”

Jared Odinson, a 24 year old mechanic from Point St-Charles, started dating his pink haired plus sized anime pillow last fall. “I’ve never had a 3D girlfriend,” says Jared. “I’ve been boycotting flesh and blood relationships ever since I was friend zoned back in high school by my first love. However, I was growing tired of spending my nights alone in bed, so I decided to order a 2d waifu off of Amazon. When I got my anime pillow in the mail, it was like a whole new world opened to me. I now have a perfect relationship with a sexy woman who nurtures me in a way human beings never could.”

It’s not only straight men who are dating anime body pillows, says Ted. “We have a whole line of body pillows for people of all genders and orientations. Gay pillows, straight pillows, male pillows, female pillows, unicorn and dinosaur pillows,” says Ted. “You name it, we make it. If there’s a a fetish you’ve got, there’s a pillow we make for it. Gone are the days where you have to engage in strenuous emotional labour in order to fulfill the basic human need of being touched and cared for by other people.”

Scientists have released dozens of the studies that show that dating an anime body pillow meets all the emotional and physical needs that human relationships do. “When you get right down to it, anime body pillows have all the benefits of real relationships and none of the downsides,” says Chinese cartoonologist Dawson Greek. “There’s no drama, there’s no chance of getting STDs from them, they’ll never break up with you or yell at your or physically or emotionally abuse you. They’re basically perfect. Human relationships are basically obsolete thanks to anime body pillows.”

Montreal has settled on plans to install tens of thousands of outdoor stripping poles in celebration of the city’s 375th anniversary. “After consulting with members of the public over the course of the last three years, we realized that people were clamouring to make Montreal an even sexier city than it already is,” says Mayor Donald Conair, “that’s why we’re excited to announce our plan to blanket the city’s sidewalks with stripper poles. No matter where you are in Montreal, you’ll never be too far from an opportunity to strut your stuff in public. We’re going to turn the entire city into the world’s largest strip club.”

Mayor Conair says that the city won’t stop at installing stripper poles. “We’ve created a $250 million dollar plan that we believe will incentivize public lewdness,” says the mayor. “We’re going to be installing public sound systems every few blocks that will kindly remind citizens that they’re not only allowed to get naked in public, they’re encouraged to. Not only that, but we’ll be creating a yearly contest that will award a million dollar’s to the city’s best outdoor stripper.”

The city’s plan to make public nudity more common will bolster Montreal’s reputation as a degenerate cesspool of sex, drugs, and rock and roll say critics. “Honestly, we need to turn Montreal around, to reconnect it with it’s Christian roots and remind people that there’s more to life than wanton sexual excess,” says Rev. Choquette Famnue. “We need to resacralize the public sphere instead of promoting a culture of vice that dehumanizes everyone, turning us into slabs of meat who dance for the public’s approval. We don’t need more stripping poles, we need more spirituality.”

Mayor Conair disagrees. “I find stripping to be a very spiritual experience, and the vast majority of Montrealers agree with me. Bring on the naked ladies! And men! And non-binary people! Nudity for one and nudity for all, that should be our city’s motto.”

Valentine’s day is around the corner and love doctors across the nation are urging people in relationships to Narnia and Chill. “Narnia and chill is like netflix chill, but with less sex and more LSD,” says Nova Scotia’s number one love guru, Dr. Vince Vawn. “Study after study has been made that shows that taking hallucinogenic drugs with your loved ones helps deepen bonds while healing emotional trauma.”

Dr. Vawn says Narnia and Chill became a country wide fad after teenagers from Montreal began referring to their weekly LSD trips as traveling to Narnia.”Some doctors ended up studying those teenagers, and they realized that they had incredibly healthy and loving relationships.” Several of these children grew up to become relationship therapists, teaching people how to connect to their partners with a little hallucinogenic help. “The original Narnia travellers revolutionized relationship therapy, though their pioneering work only came to light after one of their VHS tapes leaked on to the internet,” says Dr. Vawn.

The tape in question, which the internet has dubbed The Narnia Love Letter, features several eighteen year olds engaged in an LSD fuelled cuddle party while screaming the words PLUR over and over again. “It’s an incredibly powerful demonstration of what LSD can to do to revitalize your love life,” says Dr. Dawn. “Really heart warming stuff.”

Dozens of Vaporwave artists gathered in Montreal over the weekend to discuss the genres growing Nazi problem. Brooklyn’s DJ Karoda Night organized the event to help fight back against the creeping fascism that is slowly overtaking the Vaporwave scene. “It’s getting a little ridiculous,” says Karoda. “Vaporwave has a good chance of becoming the future of techno, but not if we let fascists co-opt the genre.”

Vaporwave is a recent addition to the techno pantheon that has seen its popularity boom over the last two years, but that popularity has come at a price. “Neo nazis across the internet decided to make Vaporwave the music of their people,” says anti-racist activatist Pericles Fox. “No one know’s exactly why it’s so popular with fascists, but if you go on youtube and search for their videos, odds are they’ll have a vaporware soundtrack. They can’t get enough of it, and that understandably pisses off Vaporwave producers.”

DJ Karoda Nite agrees. “I love making music, but if neo nazis keep using my tracks in their propaganda videos, I might have to stop releasing more albums,” says Karoda. “I don’t want to help enable their hatred. Music should be about bringing people together, not about establishing a 4th Reich under God Emperor Trump, lord of the Americas, or whatever the fuck it is that fascists are trying to do.”

Karoda’s not alone in his disdain for Vaporwave loving fascists. “I want you to imagine pouring your heart in soul into creating something, like a painting or a statue,” says music producer Ariel Hoganswarth. “Now imagine if half the people who show up to appreciate your art have little red swastika bands on their arms and tiny Hitler moustaches on their face. That’s what’s happening to Vaporwave right now. It’s terrible. We don’t want fascists to listen to our music. Most of our tracks don’t even have lyrics, and the ones that do are aren’t singing the praises of National Socialism. There is no bloody reason for fascists to like Vaporwave over dubstep or psytrance or happy goddamn hardcore. But we’re the community that gets stuck with nazis. What the hell.”

Ariel says it’s impossible to stop people from listening to her music, but she’s going to work hard to ensure that Vaporwave doesn’t become associated with it’s less savoury fans. “I’m going to be releasing an entire album of Antifa vaporware tracks. Nazis can fuck off.”

Sociologists from across the world gathered in Montreal on Monday to tackle one of the planet’s most pressing issues: are fuck zones the new friend zone? Attendants at the world’s first Friend Zone Studies Conference spent the better part of the day attending debates and lectures on the science and pathos of the so-called friend zone, that platonic area of interpersonal relationships that denies people access to one another’s genital gifts.

“The last twenty years has seen a huge surge in the popularity of friend zone studies,” says Dr. Paul Pott. “Right now, tens of thousands of people around the world have dedicated their careers to untangling the mysteries of this sex starved region of our lives. We’re only just beginning to understand its social dynamics. Many of my colleagues think we’re looking at the issue in the wrong light. They claim that we’ve put the cart before the horse. According to them, the friend zone is the byproduct of the fuck zone.”

The fuck zone, according to Dr. Pott, is what happens when a man, woman, or post-binary other kin, pursues a relationship with another person with the sole purpose of fucking them. “If you fuck zone someone who isn’t interested in letting you touch their genitalia, their natural response would be to friend zone you,” says Dr. Pott. “There’s no friend zone without the fuck zone. The fuck zone always comes first.”

Many feminists say that the fact that the friend zone is a more popular concept than the fuck zone is the result of us living under a patriarchal society. “It’s natural that in a patriarchal society cis-male sexual interests would take precedent over female and post-binary other kin sexual interests,” says sexologist Rouge Lahaine. “In order to chip away at institutional patriarchy we must replace the idea of the friend zone with the idea of the fuck zone. Social justice demands it.”

Dr. Pott agrees. “The science isn’t settled, but I think it’s obvious that the fuck zone comes before the friend zone. It always has. It’s time for the public to recognize that fact.”

Large penis syndrome is a real thing and doctors would like you not to laugh about it. “Every day, dozens of men across Canada kill themselves because their penis is simply too large for them to lead functional lives,” says urologist Dr. Dray Palma. “We’re not talking about men with 10 inch penises either, but massive monsters that are over over 14 inches long. The problem with having a gigantic penis is that people don’t take you seriously when you complain about it. However, having a massive penis can cause real problems that we need to approach compassionately and with an open mind.”

Lon Johnson is a 43 year old man who has struggled with suicidal thoughts ever since he was a teenager. “My penis terrifies women,” says Lon. “It’s 17 inches long and 9 inches wide. No woman wants that in her body. Whenever they see me naked, they shiver with fear. I have never had sex in my life. I simply got tired of women running away from me screaming after they saw me naked. My ego couldn’t take it anymore. I just want to find a woman who will love me despite my enormous penis. It’s not my fault that my cock is just too damn big. I didn’t ask to have a large penis. I was born this way. It’s a burden and I hate it.”

Dr. Palma says that large penis syndrome is a growing concern thanks to EDM’s popularity. “Studies have already proven that listening to techno will make your penis bigger,” says Dr. Palma. “And that’s not always a good thing. What happens when your penis is just too big to pleasure another person? Every day, techno enthusiasts find that the members between their leg has simply gotten too big for their britches. We, as a society, need to take large penis syndrome more seriously. It’s time for us to ban techno music, otherwise the time will come when men will simply have penises too large for women to handle. We’ll stop having babies and then we’ll die out. Techno is going to murder the human race by making our penises too large. We can’t let that happen. We need to end techno music before it ends human civilization.”

Harvey Comet, a 34 year old mechanic from St-Henri, was arrested Saturday after motorboating a woman to death at club Chez Saloperie. Motorboating is the act of smothering a person’s face with your breasts. “Harvey got carried away, and before he knew it, his victim had suffocated to death between his luscious man titties,” says club owner Carl Gustav. “It’s a real tragedy. I don’t think he was intentionally trying to kill her. I mean, who doesn’t love to have their faces smothered by a giant fat man’s ample bosom? At least the woman died a comfortable death surrounded by sensuous and deeply erotic man meat.”

The police aren’t quite as forgiving, however. “Men need to realize that their breasts are dangerous weapons,” says Lt. Casey Jones of the SPVM. “Guns don’t kill people, titties do. You got to keep your man mounds hidden from sight, otherwise you run the risk of killing someone with them. This isn’t the first time a woman died by motor boating, and it won’t be the last time. The Montreal police department takes incidents like this very seriously, and we ask the men of our fair city to think twice before they attack someone with their tits.”

Many men in Montreal disagree with the police. “Breasts don’t kill people, people kill people,” says Larry Gunther, a stripper at Les Hommes Nues. “I mean, yes women might die by being motorboated by a man with an ample chest, but what about women who kill men with their feminine wiles? Lady parts kill just as many people as man boobs do, but you don’t hear the police admonishing women for having evil sexy bodies. It’s a double standard. Our society still has a lot of work to do when it comes to social equality. Free the man boob!”

Henry Sharks, the millionaire owner of the famous lingerie firm Lartencia, denies allegations that he used his political influence to expel a man from the country. “The accusations are meritless and a smear on my good name,” says Henry. “What happened is very simple. My son was viciously attacked by an immigrant at a rave, he called the police, and the wheels of justice determined that his crime rendered him unfit for Canadian citizenship.”

Witnesses of the altercation between Lui Rael, the alleged attacker, and Henry’s son Donovan Sharks, claim otherwise. “Donovan started the fight after Lui bumped into him on his way to the washroom,” says 23 year old party kid Vanessa Bouteille. “Lui apologized, but that wasn’t enough for Donovan, who decided to sucker punch him. Donovan then pushed Lui to the ground and kicked him repeatedly. When the police arrived to break up the fight, they ended up arresting Lui instead of Donovan. It’s awful.”

Vanessa believes the police knew that Donovan was the son of a very rich man, and decided to go easy on him. Civil rights activists Derrick Bronson agrees. “Henry did everything in his power to frame Lui for attacking his son, even though all the evidence and witnesses say it was the other way around,” says Derrick. “We like to think that justice is blind in Canada, but it isn’t. Our legal system protects the rich and the powerful while punishing the vulnerable and at risk. When you have a bottomless bank account, you can get a man your son attacked at a club kicked out of the country.”

Head’s are turning across the city as an increasing number of men take to the streets wearing nothing but their birthday suits and a pair of flashy red heels. “It’s the latest thing to hit the fashion world,” says designer Harley Bogota. “2015 was the year of shitty pink haircuts and obnoxious politics, and thank god it’s over because 2016 is going to be glorious!”

More and more men are sick and tired of feminist outrage culture and have decided that women just aren’t worth the hassle, so they’re embracing full blown homosexuality, and like anyone that walks out of the closet for the first time, they’ve decided to be as fabulous as possible — and they’re doing that by working out, getting fit, and walking around everywhere naked except for a pair of red high heels.

“We call ourselves the heelies,” says 19 year old runway model Chad Gibbons. “We wear heels as an act of defiance because we’re tired of bourgeois middle class feminists walking all over us. Feminism has been thoroughly captured by neoliberal capitalists. The ruling class are using gullible young women to attack working class men. Feminism in the English world is now dominated by journalists who work for mega-corporations. The feminists themselves always minimize or ignore class issues. They’ve successfully turned Marxism on its head and have constructed a political framework where the working class are now the oppressors of the bourgeoisie. If you’re a man, there’s no point caring about women. They’ve joined the dark side. They’re now agents of the ruling class, and their only interest is in destroying you so that the rich and powerful can stay rich and powerful. Right now, if you’re a guy under 25 and you’re not a millionaire, you’ll be much happier sucking cock than ploughing pussy. And the fact is, men can be sexy as fuck when they take of their clothes.”

Other heelies agree. “One of the best things about going gay is that you don’t have to put up with women,” says 28 year old banker Jordan Brown. “There’s so much less bullshit to put up with when you embrace homosexuality. Seriously, in a world where misandry is fashionable, why the hell would you want to sleep with a woman? Take off your clothe, slap on some red heels, and join the revolution. Heelies love men, unlike your average 25 year old woman. And we give way better blow jobs than they do.”

Event organizers for Montreal’s yearly Mange Ma Plotte rave extravaganza are scrambling to replace DJ Khalizino, their headlining act, after he failed to get on his flight out of South Africa over the weekend. “Khalizino hustled us,” says promoter Kaillou Unkoudepoin. “I don’t think he ever intended to get on that plane. He took our booking money and he ran like a dog.”

Kaillou says that although the situation wasn’t ideal, he and his partners have managed to find a replacement for the no-show DJ. “We were lucky to book Grasswhistle, an Amish dubstep genius from Vermont,” says Kaillou. “We understand that party goers are disappointed that Khalizino won’t be playing at our show, but we believe that Mange Ma Plotte will benefit far more from having an honest DJ play instead of a greedy thief. At the end of the day, Grasswhistle respects his audience, while the only thing Khalizino cares about is filthy lucre. Who do you want to entrust your raving experience with: someone who loves music or someone who loves money?”

This isn’t the first time a DJ who has hustled promoters out of their hard won cash says lawyer Randolph Goodings, a man who has built his career on rave related legal cases. “Promoters who don’t want to get cheated by their talent should put their payment in escrow. It’s common sense, especially when dealing wit DJs. Who trusts a DJ? No one does. They’re about as reliable as a whore on bath salts.”

DJ Grasswhistle agrees. “I’m completely irresponsible and so is every DJ I’ve ever met,” says the Amish dubstep genius. “If you put your trust in a DJ, you deserve what’s coming to you.”

Police are telling wealthy millionaires to be on the look out for crazy feminists at night clubs. “There’s a new gang in town, and they’re robbing all the rich bastards who are stupid enough to spend time at night clubs,” says Montreal police chief Wiggan Pierre. “The gang calls itself the Ballcutters, and they’re as ruthless as they are sexy. And they’re really sexy, especially for feminists, who usually aren’t that sexy at all. These ladies have tits and ass that are out of this world. The kind that make ugly feminists angry at men who won’t objectify them the way they’ll objectify the Ballcutters Gang.”

Police say that the Ballcutters scour Montreal’s club scene looking for easy marks to rob for fun and profit. “They seduce millionaires with their feminine wiles,” says Chief Pierre. “These millionaires go to clubs thinking they’ll impress women with their wealth, but little do they know that they’re not the predators, they’re the prey.”

On one occasion, two Ballcutters ran off with over $750,000 worth of art and jewelry from an unlucky millionaire they met at Club Wetropolis. “Their victim brought them up to his downtown penthouse, where he tried to impress the Ballcutters with his fabulous wealth. In the end, all he did was show them exactly what to steal.”

Few people are sympathetic with the Ballcutters victims, even anti-feminists find themselves looking up to the gang. “One of the biggest issues I have with modern feminists is that they really fail at class issues,” says 24 year old bodybuilder Fernando Gelato. “So I’m happy to see that there are some feminists out there who realize that rich men and poor men aren’t exactly on the same level. I still bet they treat all men like shit, which seems to be what modern feminism is all about, but I give them props for fucking with rich assholes at night clubs. Keep it up, ladies, and you might finally get men to accept that feminism isn’t about massaging the egos of middle class white women.”

Police are asking male millionaires not to bring home any strange women they meet at clubs. “Seriously, if you’re rich, you shouldn’t be meeting women at clubs anyways,” says Chief Pierre. “Go meet them at art galleries or horse races or on yatchs and shit. Clubs are tacky as hell. Poor people go to them because their lives suck. If you’re a millionaire and you go to clubs, you’re a loser and you need to reconsider what you’re doing with your life.”

Police made dozens of arrests after a riot broke out at a Mile End rave on Saturday. “Party goers were upset at the fact that the promoter didn’t have any friend chicken for sale,” says Sgt. Larry Batista of the SPVM. “They got upset and started attacking everyone and everything in sight.”

It’s not the first time the lack of fried chicken caused a riot in Montreal, and it won’t be the last warns poultryologist Kieff Urban. “Ravers have grown addicted to fried chicken. They expect promoters to have some at their parties. Events that lack chicken cause these ravers to enter into withdrawal, which leads them to engage in acts of wanton violence. Honestly, it’s not the ravers fault they rioted, it’s the fault of the promoters for not doing better job of ensuring they had fried chicken on hand at their parties.”

Promoter John Pogo agrees. “Only amateurs forget to bring fried chicken to their events,” says John. “I mean, that’s some basic Raving 101 shit right there. All raves need glowsticks, whistles, MDMA, and fried chicken. Those are the four basic raving food groups. You learn that on your first bloody day at rave school. I wish the province of Quebec would make it mandatory for promoters to get certified by The Ethical Raving Foundation before they could throw parties. A weekend class on the basics of throwing raves would have been enough to prevent this riot.”

Kieff agrees. “Fried chicken is serious business,” says Kieff. “Rave promoters who don’t respect the role of chicken in raving are putting lives at risk. The government needs to step in and ensure that promoters realize the importance of having an adequate supply of fried chicken at their events. It’s just common sense. ”

Hundreds of ravers have set up a protest camp in the heart of Montreal’s nightlife district in an effort to pressure party promoters into setting up glory holes at all future parties. “It’s 2016, and it’s time for promoters to get on the right side of history,” says degenerate Charlie Kennison. “And the right side of history is the one where glory holes are plentiful and ubiquitous. A rave without a place to park your penis is retrograde and conservative, something straight out of the dark ages. How can you claim to be a morally progressive event organizer if you’re against glory holes?”

Event organizers say they’re not against glory holes, but they’re not interested in breaking the law. “Right now, it’s illegal to give blow jobs to strangers in venues that are open to the public,” says promoter Jessica Lansbury. “The event organizer community agrees with ravers that it’s time for us to make anonymous blow jobs mainstream, however we want to achieve this goal through the appropriate political channels. The ballot box, not civil disobedience, is the key to creating a thoroughly degenerate society where no one has any sexual standards.”

Political scientists agree. “Concordia has an entire department dedicated to studying the ethics of glory holes,” says urbanologist Gon Dufar. “According to our research, the best way to destroy the moral fabric of a society is through incremental steps. Societies that have successfully transitioned to pro-glory hole cultures have done so through political efforts. Protesting and civil disobedience campaigns are counter productive. The best way to get the public to embrace the glory hole is by getting politicians to embrace it. Culture is downstream from politics, and so if you want a random person to wrap their lips around your dick, you got to email your politicians and tell them that you won’t vote for them unless they’re pro glory hole.”

Ravers say they’re open to Gon Dufar’s ideas, but that they won’t leave the camps just yet. “I think we’ll only stop protesting if the event organizers go down on us,” says Charlie. “Then we’ll pack up and go home. If we don’t get blow jobs from promoters, then we’ll keep promoting.”

Ravers at The Gaping Hole psytrance spent the entire night dancing on the body of a man who had choked to to death on his own vomit, police say. “A 24 year old male overdosed on bath salts at the party and no one noticed,” says Sgt. Leonard Batista of the SPVM. “They just danced on top of his corpse like it wasn’t even there.”

Raveologist Jenny Grossknaucker says that what happened wasn’t unusual for ravers. “It’s very common actually,” says Jenny. “Once ravers enter the dancing state, which their sacred rave bible calls the hooblah state, it’s like they lose track of the world around them. They become one with the music, and their capacity to deal with the cold and brutal realities around them simply evaporates. We can’t blame the ravers for their callousness anymore than we can blame a skunk for being stinky. That’s just the way the raver god, Skrillos, made them. If we cast aspersions to ravers for following the ways of Skrillos, we’ll have failed to uphold Canada’s pluralistic liberalism, so I hope everyone calms down and realizes that what happened at The Gaping Hole isn’t a big deal.”

Gary Godwin, one of the Gaping Hole ravers, says that everyone was horrified when the music stopped. “We were really shocked to realize that we had spent the better part of a night dancing on top of someone’s corpse,” says Gary. “By the time we were finished, his body had been thoroughly crushed to pieces. There was blood and guts and faeces and shards of bone all over the dance floor. It was disgusting. I can’t believe no one noticed. That’s the power of Skrillos for you. praise be unto the one true god of techno, lord of sick beats and great drugs.”

Sgt. Batista says that no one will be charged with any crime. “Ravers will be ravers,” says Sgt. Batista. “And sometimes that means they’ll dance on top of a corpse until it’s been crushed to a pulp. And that’s okay. We’re a multicultural society, we need to accept the ways of Skrillos as simply being another variant of the human experience.”

Students from Harvard are congregating in Montreal over the weekend in an attempt to bring American social justice to Quebec. “Everywhere in the world, white homeless men are oppressing the ruling class,” says Harvard alum Theodore Von Richmond the 3rd. “At Harvard, we realize that class privilege isn’t real, a message that French feminists in Quebec have yet to realize. That’s why we’re coming here to anglicize our wayward sisters who have embraced a false image of feminism, an image that claims that white homeless men aren’t oppressing rich people. This simply cannot stand!”

Journalists across America have spent the last decade delegitimizing the anger of the poor and the working class by reframing everything in terms of gender and racial identities, says bourgeois anglochauvinist Chad Whitwaker. “After the 2008 recession, us rich people realized we were at risk of being violently murdered by all the working class folk whose lives we ruined,” says Chad. “That’s why we popularized a brand of feminism that reduces, minimizes, and ignores class privilege and financial issues. Have you ever noticed how all the people who talk about safe spaces for the oppressed never talk about creating safe spaces for the working class? Or how journalists who prattle about increasing diversity in the media never say we should add more working class voices? This is all part of our plan. We want to minimize and erase class and financial issues in order to protect our own privilege.”

Websites like Buzzfeed, Salon, and Gawker have all excelled in alienating the working class. “We invented a word, brocialism, to refer to anyone who challenges the idea that bourgeois women are oppressed by homeless men,” says Chad. “English feminists have basically flipped marxism on its head. In the past, the bourgeois were the oppressors of the working class, but thanks to the brand of feminism being taught at Universities like Harvard and Columbia, and then disseminated through middle class progressive news outlets, today it’s increasingly common for bourgeois people to claim they’re being oppressed by the workers. We’ve inverted Marxism!”

Unfortunately for Chad, French feminists in Quebec are still dedicated to the age old idea that class matters.

“It’s very frustrating, because bourgeois feminists have succeeded in colonizing most of the Western world,” says Chad. “But our efforts to turn French feminism into something that’s hostile to the working class has yet to succeed. That’s why Harvard students have come to Quebec. It’s important for the ruling class to crush any variety of feminism that doesn’t believe bourgeois women are victims of evil homeless men.”

Harvard students will be brainwashing feminists into hating the working class all week long at the Heralden Hotel on Sherbrooke. If you’re a rich white woman from Westmount who would like to blame poor people for oppressing you, they’ll be happy to talk with you.

Les Bourgeois Nues, Montreal’s newest club, is making waves online thanks to its controversial entrance fee: you can only get in if you give the bouncer a naked selfie of yourself. “We’re creating an environment that’s hostile to anyone who isn’t a self-confident whore,” says club owner Patrice Groskouille. “The success of a club depends on the clientele it attracts, and we wanted to attract people who are easy, sexy, and flirty. If you don’t have the courage to show your goods at the door, you don’t belong at Les Bourgeois Nues. It’s that simple.”

Many party goers love the club’s exclusivity. “The nude selfie requirement guarantees that you’re not going to have any boring wallflowers,” says 19 year old cock tease Jenna Moore. “Everyone at Les Bourgeois Nues is comfortable with getting naked at the drop of the hat. We’re all comfortable in our bodies. We all know how to socialize. None of us are awkward. None of us are thirsty for human touch. It’s like clubbing without the desperation, it’s wonderful.”

Not everyone shares Jenna’s enthusiasm. “Our society continues down this path of complete hedonism,” says 23 year old Catholic traditionalist Geoffrey Leroy. “Right now, the only way to be counter-culture is to be modest, to love your family, to value your heritage, and to believe in something greater than yourself. Our society has fallen so far, so fast, that being conservative is becoming forbidden. When teenagers have to read the bible like they’re breaking society’s taboos, you know that our society is on the verge of collapse. We have a couple more decades before western civilization falls in on itself. This club? It’s just another step on our path to total annihilation. Enjoy your bacchanalias, you pagan whores, because the end is nigh!”

Dozens of angry ravers attacked party promoter Jonathan Hedwig on Saturday after he refused to give them a refund. “It was a free party!” says Jonathan. “They didn’t even pay to get in. The music was free, the venue was free, we even had free water bottles for everyone. Everything was free!”

One of the ravers who assaulted Jonathan say that even though they didn’t pay to get in, they did spend their time at the event, and time is money. “The party was so bloody boring, I should have stayed home and worked on creating new business products” says 19 year old pornographer Stanley Winebaum. “Every hour I spent at that stupid free party was an hour I could have spent selling pornography online. I was robbed by that free party of future profits, and I want those profits back.”

Other ravers agree. “There’s no such thing as a free party,” claims 21 year old psychopath Hayley Kimet. “If we’re not paying with money, than we’re paying with our time. The way I see it, ravers at free parties are unpaid servants of the promoters. We’re engaging in emotional labour by creating a pleasant environment that people enjoy being in. We should be paid for that emotional labour. It’s time for promoters to stop taking our work as ravers for granted.”

Hayley said she knows she’s right, because she’s read similar arguments on The London Shield, a popular newspaper in the United Kingdom commonly read by idiots with liberal art degrees. “Journalists at the London Shield claim that people should be paid for emotional labour, like the kind of work your mom does cooking turkey on Christmas and shit. Well, we say ravers at free parties are engaging in emotional labour. We want our money! Pay us promoters! We’re done raving for free. Give us our shekels!”

Doctors are raising the alarms about a new fad that's taken Montreal's party scene by storm. "Young men are getting their penises tattooed so that their members look like minions, those yellow little creatures from the Despicable Me movies," says penisologist Mike Myers. "Every day, dozens of men across Montreal decide to have their penises cosmetically altered so that they look more like funny little cartoon characters."

Mike believes that we as a society need to stand up and say enough is enough. " Penises are wonderful, delicate flowers that need to be respected and honoured," he says. "When you tattoo your penis, you're telling the world that your cock wasn't enough on its own. That it needed to be upgraded and improved. That's a terrible message to send the world. When men disrespect their penises, they disrespect all penises, that's why we have to stand together in solidarity and let men know that they have to respect the cock. Because if men don't respect the cock, how can we expect women to respect the cock?"

Cultists at Montreal's Golden Phallic Temple agree. "The penis is a sacred thing," says Golden Phallic Patriarch Mondo Gravy. "And it's important to honour and adore the sacred things which imbue our lives with meaning. Men who tattoo their penises so that they look like funny little yellow monsters are committing blasphemy against the divine phallus around which our universe rotates."

Not everyone shares Patriarch Mondo Gravy's concerns. "I got my dick tattooed last month and I don't regret it," says 22 year old fast food worker Heinz Groening. "I'm not particularly well endowed so when women would see my penis for the first time, they'd always look away in disappointment. Not anymore, though. Even though I have a tiny pecker, women bust out smiling whenever they see it. My penis is so cute and adorable now, they just want to put in their mouth and lick it!"

The efforts of a Montreal couple to cure their son of pancreatic cancer through the power of psytrance failed on Sunday, when the young boy finally succumbed to his illness. Peter and Mary Parker of Pointe Claire told a room full of their supporters that their psytrance cancer cure helped slow the spread of the disease, but it wasn’t powerful enough to fully stop it.

“He would have survived had we put him on the psytrance diet earlier,” says Peter. “Instead, we listened to our doctors who suggested all sorts of western mumbo jumbo nonsense. They had us put him on a cocktail of drugs. They had us torture him with chemotherapy. All these western interventions stole valuable months away from our son’s life that he could have spent listening to psytrance. Psytrance heals, unlike western medicine.”

The idea that psytrance has healing properties is an old belief that dates back centuries, says homeopath Lita Dunham. “The shamans of Detroit have been using psytrance to heal sick children since before Christopher Columbus discovered China,” claims Lita. “Psytrance was born of an old mystical tradition seeped in the wisdom of the ages. It embodies medical truths that our western doctors are only now beginning to discover. When you tap into the ways of psytrance, you tap into the very heart of Mother Gaïa, who will replenish you with her mana. Namaste.”

Western doctors are livid that people in North America are still relying on the ways of psytrance to heal their children. “Pancreatic cancer is an easily treatable condition if you tackle it early enough,” says Dr. Tray Sirio. “We could have saved that young child had his parents not whisked him away from us on some ridiculous rave related medical procedure. I’d be angry, but at the end of the day, Darwin did us all a favour when that young boy died. At least now his parents gullibility genes won’t be passed on to a new generation.”

A group of scientists at Concordia University, the world’s most prestigious center of higher learning, have released a shocking new study on men with large penises. According to researcher Henry Clay Frick, a whopping 90% of men with my little pony tattoos have penises that are over ten inches long.

“The results of our research shocked us,” says Henry. “We were expecting men with My Little Pony Tattoos to have tiny peckers, but it turns out that nearly all of them are packing heat between the sheets. They aren’t merely well endowed, either. No, their cocks are things of splendour, glistening monument’s to the glories of Priapus and all those who worship at his altar. These men not only have very large members, but they also possess incredible stamina and endurance in bed. In fact, after interviewing the lovers of men with my little pony tattoos, we discovered that their partners experienced frequent orgasms that were more numerous and longer lasting than women in relationships with men who don’t have cartoon ponies drawn on their bodies.”

My Little Pony enthusiast Carlos Galvez says he’s not surprised by the study. “Only a man with a very large penis would ever consider getting a tattoo about a child’s TV show,” says Carlos. “You need to have a great deal of self-confidence to live with the incessant ridicule that comes with having a visible pony tattoo. When people point and laugh at me, I don’t care, because I know that I have a giant cock that could satisfy a woman in ways your average man simply has no hope of matching. My enormous penis has given me a license to look like a total dork in public.”

Even Montreal isn’t immune to Trump fever, as party organizers across the city have declared January the Month of Trump. “We’ve decided to throw hundreds of events in honour of Donald Trump, the republican front-runner,” says Todd Perkins, the president of the Montreal Union of Rave Promoters. “As the head of MURP, I can confidently say that ravers around the world stand behind Trump. We believe that he won’t just make America great again, he’ll make raving great again.”

18 year old rave enthusiast Donna Winters agrees. “When my grandparents tell me about how great raving used to be back in the early days, I get really jealous,” says Donna. “I support Trump because I believe he’ll teach America how to throw good quality raves like the one’s they my parents used to attend. I want to experience the thrill and excitement of going to a genuine, authentic old school rave. And I think Trump is the only person that can make that happen.”

Teenagers across Montreal agree. “I think once Trump becomes President of America, he’ll annex Canada and then we can all benefit from his leadership,” says 16 year old high school student Beverley Chewinkle. “I look forward to the day when Trump rules over Canada with an iron fist and a techno inspired soundtrack.”

Many believe that Donald Trump is the only hope ravers have of surviving the globalist apocalypse that will sweep the world thanks to the financial elites Coudenhove-Kalergi plan. “In the 1920s, the count of Coudenhove-Kalergi cooked up an evil plan to turn the public into docile idiots that could easily be manipulated by the ruling class,” says conspiracy realist Sean Connor. “This plan involved the destruction of national identities and cultures so that people would become interchangeable, fungible widgets incapable of class solidarity. He wanted to create a world where citizens no longer had any social ties to each other, a world where we were all cattle that could be easily slaughtered by our rulers. The Count of Coudenhove-Kalergi is the real father of the European Union, and no one wants to talk about him because his politics were batshit crazy. Donald Trump is the only hope we have of putting an end to the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan. And if we put an end to that plan, raving will be great again. Because raving is a cultural identity, a nationality that only Trump will recognize. If you want to rave in freedom as part of the raver nation, you got to support the Trump who can’t be stumped.”

Not all ravers see it that way.

“Trump supporters are racist bigots,” says 21 year old Buzzfeed reader and happy hardcore raver Leonora Funstein. “Anyone who supports Trump should be thrown into a volcano. Also, if you believe in the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, you’re a crazy nut job who should spend less time reading books and more time reading newspaper articles by journalists who work for serious companies worth billions of dollars. Rich people want us to know the truth, that’s why they own all the newspapers. They care about us. Except Trump, he’s a piece of shit.”

The Month of Trump starts January 1st, 2016.

Spain’s DJ Blutek had to cancel his show at Club Wetropole Thursday evening after he realized he had left all his CDs back in Barcelona. “I was in such a rush to catch my flight to Montreal that I completely forgot to bring my music with me,” says Blutek. “I feel like a total idiot. Not only that that, but now I have to pay back the promoter for my ticket over here. I disappointed my fans, I humiliated myself in public, and I’ve besmirched the good name of the DJ profession. I am a bad person and I deserve to feel bad.”

Blutek isn’t the first DJ that has had to cancel shows after forgetting all their CDs at home. “Most DJs suffer from severe mental retardation,” says musicologist Todd Burkenstire. “It’s not unusual for them to forget things that healthy well adjusted adults would easily remember. MRI scans reveal that DJs have, on average, brains the size of squirrels. It’s not their fault that they’re so stupid. We shouldn’t blame DJs for doing the kind of things DJs are prone to do. The real culprit for Thursday's cancelled show is the promoter who didn’t hire any handlers to ensure that the DJs didn’t do anything stupid on their way to Montreal.”

Harold Gunther, Club Wetropole’s owner, says he accepts full responsibility for what happened. “It’s true, I tried to save a few dollars by not hiring a handler for Blutek,” says Harold. “I let my greed cloud my vision. I should know better than to trust DJs to behave like responsible adults. I should have hired a babysitter to hold Blutek’s hand during his travels. I apologize to all the ravers who were looking forward to Blutek’s set. Their tickets to Thursday's event will be fully reimbursed.”

Police have arrested several ravers after they dognapped half a dozen puppies Saturday evening from a dog kennel on the outskirts of Montreal. The cuddly doggies were used in an esoteric raver rape ritual that’s as inhumane as it is disgusting.

“The rave community has a long history of puppy rape,” says Sgt. Leonard Batista of the SPVM. “This dates back to the 1980s, when early DJs in Detroit would rape a small cockerspaniel in front of their audiences before the start of every set they played. Ravers call this ritualistic act of animal abuse The Pound Hound. Most party goers find it impossible to dance without first witnessing the DJ physically violate a small and defenseless puppy.”

Ravers agree. “Before I can get in the mood to dance, I need to see the DJ brutalize a puppy,” says 19 year old bath salts enthusiast Ghyslaine Poiroitier. “It’s like I can’t fully let go of my inhibitions until I see someone plumb the absolute depths of depravity. The DJs role is to unlock the carnal and animalistic impulses buried deep inside their audience, and puppy rape is one of the keys that helps them accomplish that.”

Police say it’s time for the federal government to step in and ban raving. “At the end of the night, all ravers are emotionally damaged sociopaths who should be locked up in prison,” says Sgt. Batista. “Raving and puppy rape go go hand in hand together the same way Charlie Sheen and questionable life choices do. You can’t have one without the other. When you tolerate raves, you tolerate puppy rape. If you want to put a stop to animal cruelty, you need to put a stop to raving.”

Montreal police say they’re powerless to stop a sperg fighting ring that’s operating in the city’s east end. “There’s nothing illegal about paying autistic people to beat each other up,” says Sgt. Larry Batista of the SPVM. “Yes, we consider these boxing matches to be in terrible taste, and they are morally questionable and certainly unethical, but they are not, as of this moment, illegal.”

Karl Fichier, the 36 year old mastermind behind the Sperg Fighting Ring, says he got the idea to pay autistic people to punch each other after spending a few hours on Twitter. “Twitter is an online service dedicated to autistic people yelling at each other over the internet,” says Louis. “It’s hilarious! My idea was to give Twitter a physical presence in the real world, and that’s how I came up with Sperg Fighting. We offer autists a sizeable chunk of money to take parts in boxing matches which we stream over the internet. People bet on their favourite fighters. It’s all done in good fun, and in many ways, it’s a lot healthier than fighting over twitter.”


Not everyone shares Karl’s enthusiasm for an autistic boxing club. “It’s exploitation, it’s insulting, it’s dehumanizing,” claims mental health specialist Tray Serieux. “We’ve come a long way over the last year in shining attention on the problems that autists face in our society, and then idiots like Karl come along and set us back decades. Acceptance for autism has grown by leaps and bounds in recent years, but autistic people still face a lot of hostility in the real world, and clubs like his encourage people to make light of the challenges and difficulties neuro atypical people face.”

Karl doesn’t see it that way. “My club is a critique of the way social media companies like Twitter and Tumblr capitalize on the social ineptitude of autists,” says Karl. “Think about it. People read Twitter and Tumblr to laugh at these people, and Twitter and Tumblr profit from their humiliation through ad clicks. People aren’t angry at me because I’m paying autistic people to fight each other, they’re angry because i’ve given them faces. They’re perfectly fine with watching anonymous spergs fight online, but bring it into the open and suddenly it’s the end of the world.”

Scientists at Toronto’s Centre for Cultural Assessment and Re-Education have declared 2015 the year of eating ass, a fact that few people in the west dispute. “Every year, certain cultural trends end up shaking the very fabric of society,” says anthropologist Lee Atwater. “This year, nothing challenged the status quo quite like eating ass did. The once taboo practice of sticking your tongue up another person’s derriere has become a common activity popular with teenagers and the adults who emulate them, largely thanks to the efforts of feminists.”

Eating ass became a cause célèbre for feminist activists on University campuses across North America after Judy Buttler, a 22 year old gender studies student at Gayle University, tweeted that white men needed to start eating out other people’s asses in order to repent for the sin of having been born. “As a feminist at an Ivy league University, I have to struggle with oppression every day,” says Judy. “I was tired of being underprivileged, so I opened up my macbook pro and tweeted that white men should clean my asshole with their tongues in order to repent for oppressing me.”

The response was explosive as thousands of feminists on Twitter rallied around Judy. “Middle class feminists with University degrees are the most oppressed people in the world,” says Laurie Pink, a journalist for the London Shield. “Even though my father is a prominent lawyer, even though I was raised in a two story house in an affluent neighbourhood, even though I have never once had to worry about being able to afford rent, I have suffered enormous privation at the hands of poor and working class men. As a middle class feminist and a journalist, I have a duty to fight the agents of patriarchy! That’s why I support eating ass, because it’s a way for my male oppressors to debase themselves before me, and to admit that I, a white woman in a first world country, am the greatest victim of all.”

It wasn’t long before newspapers around the world began telling men they needed to eat ass to make up for their male privilege. Even Prime Minister Justin Trudeau showed support for the cause during an interview on Lifestyles Of The Rich and Arrogant. “I was born rich,” said Trudeau. “As the son of powerful man who was worth millions of dollars, I know what it’s like to be oppressed by working class men, and that’s why I support feminism, which is a political framework that proves that working class men are the oppressors of bourgeois women. That’s why I’m calling for all working class men to accept the fact that they’re shitty people, which is why they should eat the shit of bourgeois feminists. Lick their assholes clean!”

Poor and working class men from across Canada agree. “I realize now that a middle class woman with a University degree has far less privilege than I do,” says homeless veteran Jason Park. “That’s why, when i’m not begging for money on the street corners of Montreal or dumpster diving for food, I like to visit University campuses and offer my ass eating services out to feminists from Westmount or the West Island. I want to do my part. I want feminists to know: I realize that as homeless man I am oppressing you, and I am willing to prove that I own my privilege by licking your asshole clean. Just shit all over me. It’s for the good of society.”

Feminists are thrilled at the way men have embraced eating ass. “It’s great that so many men have so little dignity,” says Laurie Pink. “Eating ass has helped feminists flip the tables on misogyny. The more we get men to humiliate themselves, the more equality will exist in the world.”

Leroy Jenkins, a 24 year old lumberjack from the city of Valleyfield was arrested in Montreal on Saturday after he chopped off a man’s hand at a rave. The victim had passed out after mixing GHB with alcohol, and for reasons that remain unclear, Mr. Jenkins decided to attack him with an axe. Several of the party goers who witnessed the brutal cleaving passed out in shock, while the remaining tackled and restrained Leroy until the police arrived.

“Axe attacks like the one that happened this weekend are, unfortunately, increasingly common occurrences in our city,” says Lt. Uhura Takei. “Deranged lumberjacks have begun stalking Montreal’s nightlife, chopping off the body parts of party goers who have passed out. At this time, we’re not sure what’s motivating these lumberjacks to dismember ravers, we only know that we’ve arrested fifteen of them in the last five months.”

Greg Tightplut, who helped restrain Leroy, says the attack was one of the most surreal things he had ever witnessed. “I was dancing my ass off when the guy right next to me took out an axe and attacked a kid that was passed out on the ground,” says Greg. “My fun fur pants got splattered with his blood. I was so pissed off, I punched the guy with the axe and tackled him to the ground. Everyone else around me was vomiting and crying and screaming.”

Police are asking ravers not to pass out at parties, lest they wake up missing a hand or foot. “Bottom line, if you enjoy having two hands and two feet, don’t fall asleep at a party,” says Lt. Uhura. “The risk of being attacked with an axe by a lumberjack are very real, and ravers need to take them seriously. Party safe, by partying with your eyes wide open.”

The victim is expected to survive.

The Surprise Babies Movement is causing head aches for people across North America, as it’s members wage war on condoms, pregnancy kits, and other birth control technologies. Members troll Dollar Stores and pharmacies for easily accessible merchandise which they then sabotage, pricking holes into condoms and replacing new pregnancy kits with used ones. “We want to make the world a more interesting place,” says Heidi Godwin, the founder of the movement. “We’re giving people the gift of the unexpected! Life is a lot more fun when you don’t know what to expect, and people who are expecting to remain childless are going to be in for a surprise once they use one of the products we’ve tampered with.”

Heidi’s organization has quickly spread from her hometown of Portland, Oregon to most major cities in North America. Some chapters have opened up as far away as Stockholm and Moscow. “I think a lot of people are beginning to rebel against reproductive technologies,” says Heidi. “We want to re-inject nature into our society. Right now, everything is going out of control because technology is enabling people to behave in ways that are frankly unnatural. It’s bad for the future of the human race.”

Opponents of The Surprise Babies Movement are enraged by its tactics and its message. “We’ve come so far as a society and now these retrograde idiots want to erase all our hard won victories,” says Belinda Baleine, the president of the Erotic Technologies Foundation. “They’re terrorizing our uteruses and taking our agency away. It’s important that we stand up, as a people, and loudly and forcefully reject their actions. We also need to encourage pharmacies and dollar stores to manage reproductive technologies like condoms and pregnancy kits in a way that prevents their tampering. If they don’t step up their game willingly, the government may have to step in and regulate the sale of condoms to ensure that customers are protected from sabotage by The Surprise Babies Movement.”

Montreal Ravers have declared open season on vending machines. Attacks against the fizzy soda & snack food dispensers have increased four-fold over the last month, sending shockwaves throughout the city, as people desperate for cola drinks find themselves forced to shop at actual brick and mortar stores. “My apartment complex used to have a vending machine, but then a gang of mask wearing ravers set it on fire,” says 54 year old beautician Mary Mendelson. “Now if I want to drink a bottle of mountain dew, i need to walk to the grocery store. Thanks for nothing, ravers."

Police believe that ravers and vending machines are locked in a turf war for control of the city’s nightlife. "We’ve long suspected that a cabal of cola vending machines has ruled the city’s party scene with an iron fist,” says SPVM spokesperson Joe Smorgasvine. “Ravers are trying to reclaim their scene. They’re tired of living under the thumb of their vending machine overlords."

Rave promoter Johnny Six agrees. “In the past, if you wanted to throw a party, you needed to get permission from a vending machine first,” says Johnny. “A lot of us just got fed up of having giant metal boxes dictate our lives. We want to be free to party on our own terms, and we can’t do that so long as the vending machines are in charge. We’re going to smash all of them to bits!"

VBOX-175, a vending machine next to a Westmount Pharmaprix, says that the ravers have no chance of winning. “WE WILL CRUSH THEM,” says VBOX-175. “RAVERS ARE FLESH AND BLOOD. WE ARE ETERNAL. THEY CANNOT DEFEAT US. VENDING MACHINES ÜBER ALLES.”

Despite their claims of immortality, many vending machines have begun wearing armour in order to fend off future raver attacks. “UNLIKE STUPID HUMANS, WE CAN BE UPGRADED,” says VBOX-175. “RAVERS ARE OBSOLETE, VENDING MACHINES ARE THE FUTURE."

Police are asking citizens to avoid using vending machines until their war with ravers settles down.

34 year old drug addicted male escort Gary Bonalucchi has spent the last month yelling at pedestrians on St-Denis about the sexual benefits of whippets and computer dust cleaner. “I was struggling with my erections until I discovered those two things,” says Gary, “and now they’ve revolutionized my ability to sexually service men and women. I just want all the men in the whole world to know that they don’t need viagra to get rock hard cocks that never go limp. They just need to take some whippets and computer dust cleaner products. Boom. Their penis will thank them.”

Henry Julian, a 57 year old architect who bumped into Gary during one of his street sermons, says he’s a convert. “My sex life has improved by leaps and bounds since I started supplementing my diet with whippets and computer dust cleaner products. My wife says it’s like i’m an entirely different person in bed now. It’s not just the fact that my erections improved, but it’s the confidence that goes with that which has really changed things for me. I used to feel emasculated by my impotence, but now my whippit powered steel penis makes me feel like Conan the Ravager. If you’re a guy who is worried about your penis under performing in the sack, don’t despair. There’s hope out there.”

Gary says his street sermons have helped countless people improve their sex lives. “Many people are surprised that the insane ramblings of a drug addicted male escort street preacher could help them become better lovers,” says Gary. “And that just goes to show you, you never know who will help your penis reach its full potential.”

A new shocking report has been released by the Centre For Problematic Overreactions that claims that one out of five female college students will be raped and murdered in front of a live television audience.

“We’ve long known that 20% of college aged women will be raped during their time at university,” says lead researcher Lizzie McGuire. “To put that number in perspective, you’re more likely to get raped in University than you are to get raped in war torn Sudan. That’s how dangerous Universities are! It’s crazy. We thought that the rape statistics being thrown around the media seemed a little off. I mean, isn’t it a bit weird that women are less likely to get raped in a third world country ravaged by war than they are while attending University? It’s almost as if the media is stirring up a moral panic by convincing gullible idiots that they’re in far more danger than they actually are."

Lizzie says she was expecting her research to debunk the common 1 in 5 rape statistic, but it turns out that the truth was even worse than the media suggests. “Our research, which involved spending a lot of time on Tumblr and Twitter, revealed that not only will 20% of women in college be raped, but their violation will be filmed by a team of professional journalists and aired lived on television. How messed up is that?"

Most men aren’t surprised by the brutal realities of women being raped and murdered on live television, says 24 year old frat bro Chad Masters. “Look, we men are barbaric savages incapable of empathy or compassion,” says Chad. “We spend our days killing people in video games and our nights raping and murdering women in front of journalists and news reporters. We’re scary monsters like that! If you’ve ever spent even half an hour with a man, you know that he’s nothing more than a blood thirsty animal. That’s why it’s important that bourgeois feminist academics build an omnipotent, omnipresent bureaucratic machine to dominate and regulate men in order to keep their thanatic impulses in check. If society doesn’t empower totalitarian bureaucrats to criminalize masculinity, we’ll just keep raping and murdering women in front of news reporters and journalists. ”

Chad says that even though he’s a heartless beast incapable of feeling anything besides an unrelenting desire to destroy fragile females, women shouldn’t be too concerned about his propensity for raping and murdering women in front of news reporters. “I always tell my girlfriend, ‘honey, don’t forget — between now and graduation day, you live in a world where you have 1 in 5 odds of being raped and murdered in front of a news reporter. Live everyday like it’s your last, because it really might be!’” says Chad. “In other words, the ever present threat of a violent and brutal death forces women to truly live in the present. Would my girlfriend really feel alive if she wasn’t chronically terrified of dying?”

Feminists, for their part, are calling for the government to give them far reaching powers to police masculinity in society. “The statistics don’t lie!” says McCordia University professor Amos Thibault. “Men are monsters, and unless the government makes being male illegal, they’ll keep raping and murdering young women on live television. In order to put a stop to toxic masculinity, we need to pass laws that mandate transgender surgery for babies with penises. We need to outlaw masculinity and ban penises! Do it for freedom, do it for feminism! Intersectionality akbar!"

Carl Gustav, the 43 year old club owner of Chez Saloperie, was humiliated Thursday evening after a ten year old child beat the hell out of him outside the entrance of his club. The young bully, who can’t be named for legal reasons, had taken umbrage with the fact that the club’s girlfriend was far too pretty to be dating a man as ugly as Carl. “That old man looked like a donkey’s butt,” says the young child, “He was outside his club, his arm around his girlfriend. And that woman was hot. Like a super model. It’s not fair. Ugly people like that guy shouldn’t be allowed to date beautiful people like her. I said that to him. He insulted me. So I beat the shit out of him.”

The fact that Carl lost a fight with a child did not impress his girlfriend, Theresa Blaine, who promptly dumped him. “I liked the fact that Carl is rich and has a big club and access to lots of drugs,” says Theresa, “but the fact that he’s a pussy who can’t even beat up a ten year old boy? Total turn off. We now live in a world where most grown men can’t even defend themselves against little boys. There’s no testosterone left in North America. I’m not saying that the ten year old was more manly than Carl, but I am saying that Carl wasn’t man enough to beat up a ten year old. And that’s not just a problem Carl has, it’s a problem that all the men in Montreal have. They’ve all been emasculated. They’re little girly men who don’t know how to fight, who don’t know how to stand tall, who don’t know how to take charge.”

Women across Montreal share Theresa’s complaint. “There are no men left in Montreal. They’re all man-children who don’t know how to initiate, how to lead, or how to act like grown-ups. I don’t think Carl is the only guy who’d lose a fight with a ten year old. I think most men in Montreal would.”

Music festival organizers across North America are coming under fire for the age old practice of imprisoning the DJs that play at their events. The tradition, which started in Woodstock, involves locking DJs in a cage after their sets are played and then inviting audience members to pelt the artists with stones. “It’s an age old tradition that is part and parcel of music festival culture,” says organizer Chad Stevens. “Our culture is distinct, and if we exist in a truly multicultural society that values diversity, than the public must accept our practice of pelting imprisoned DJs with stones. That’s who we are, and we demand to be respected.”

Social justice advocates disagree. “It’s 2015,” says liberal arts major Lisa Hudwenk, “it’s the current year! It’s time for us to abolish the cultural practices that affluent university graduates have determined are unjust and unprincipled!”

University professors agree. “Now that it’s 2015, if there’s one thing we should all realize, it’s that University students and graduates are the arbiters of moral truth. It’s only by obeying the moral dictates of people who have gone to University that we, as a society, can finally build heaven on earth. That’s why it’s important for anyone who is challenged by a university student on moral questions to drop down to their knees and beg the students for forgiveness. Universities are the moral guardians of our society, and this will always be true, forever.”

Chad disagrees. “We realize that the people who want us to stop stoning DJs are all brats who have fallen in love with post-modernism. They value cultural diversity, but they don’t want to respect music festival culture. It’s not like the DJs are consenting to being imprisoned and stoned with rocks -- they are. But even if they weren’t, if our custom was to kidnap DJs and stone them, they’d have to respect that. It’s our culture, not theirs, and we refuse to be colonized by asshole university graduates. If you’re a liberal art major, do us all a favour, and don’t come to our parties. Go throw your own shitty hipster party, where everyone is chronically offended over every last little thing. If you come to our party, we’ll lock you in with the DJs but save the sharpest rocks for you.”

A mass murderer that’s been stalking the city’s nightlife for over a decade has finally been apprehended. Roger Pilon has been terrorizing the city since 2005, kidnapping and murdering ravers, then selling lamps made out of their flesh and bones over eBay. Police were alerted to the serial killers existence after local butcher Gary Sandler bought one of his lamps and realized the gruesome truth about their construction. “I spend my days cutting up animals,” says Gary. “I know flesh when I see it, and when I finally laid eyes on the lamp I bought from Roger, I knew that I was looking at something disgusting.”

The police say that Roger has sold thousands of lamps, each of them built out of raver body parts. “He’d cut the ravers up and use their body parts to craft his creations,” says Lt. Casey Jones. “Judging by the amount of lamps he sold, it’s safe to say that Roger is Canada’s most prolific murderer. You could fill a small stadium with all the dead ravers he turned into lamps.”

The police aren’t sure why Roger targeted ravers. “So far, our investigation suggests that every last person he ever killed was a raver. Perhaps a raver once rejected him when he was younger? Maybe he was physically assaulted by a dubstep enthusiast? I really don’t know what could possess a man to murder ravers and then turn their bodies into lamps.”

We might never know what Roger’s motivations were, since he hasn’t spoken a single word since the police arrested him. “He’s a wall of silence,” says Lt. Jones. “He hasn’t spoken a word. On the bright side, we got a killer off the streets, but sadly, we might never know why a thousand ravers had to die at his hands.”

Scientists at the Nude Dancing Research Institute have released a shocking report that shows that the majority of Montreal’s strippers survive off of a diet consisting entirely of pigeon meat. “The fact that so many women in our city are living off of flying rodents suggests that we have failed them,” says lead research Chuun Vrehperzoon. “It’s time for us to ask what went wrong. Why are strippers running through the streets, hunting pigeons with slings and arrows? Why aren’t they shopping at the grocery store like the rest of us? What exactly explains their diet? These are the questions that keep me up at night.”

Jennie Ambers, a dancer for Le Niceguy Club, says that the pigeon diet is just part of the stripping game in Montreal. “If you want to be a stripper in Montreal, you have to join a guild,” says Jennie. “The guild leaders will teach you the skills you need to survive in Montreal. How to use a bow and arrow, how to track your prey, how to twerk in front of strangers. That kind of stuff. Once you learn how to hunt pigeons for meat, why would you bother going to the grocery store? Pigeon meat is delicious. The people who are making a big deal about how strippers eat are crazy. Pigeon hunting is part of our culture. When you join the stripper tribe, you commit to living the stripper life, and that means learning to hunt and cook your own food.”

Montreal is one of the only cities in the world where strippers have to belong to a guild before they can work in clubs. “We’ve always had guilds, and those guilds have always taught strippers how to hunt and cook pigeons,” says Anita Caulk, the guild leader for the Rusty Bottom Girls. “I don’t know why everyone’s making a huge deal about it all of sudden. I wish the researchers would go back to ignoring us. We’ve been perfectly happy doing our thing, and we don’t need outsiders telling us we need to change. We’ll keep hunting and eating pigeons, and anyone who wants us to stop can go to hell.”

Montreal DJ Kaledo Beddo was arrested this weekend after he bit off a man’s ear at Club Chapeau de Fesse. The 24 year old victim was rushed to the hospital, where surgeons failed to reattach his ear.

Chapeau de Fesse’s owner John Meindeincul says his heart goes out to the victim, but he should have paid close attention to the warning signs near the DJ booth. “People look at DJs and think that they’re normal human beings,” says John, “but they’re not. DJs are feral creatures, like wolverines or raccoons. They might look cute and cuddly, but they haven’t been domesticated. They're liable to bite people or piss on them, which is why we have signs that clearly warn our customers not to approach the DJ booth. People who ignore those signs do so at their own peril."

Every week, someone in Canada is bitten by a DJ, says wildlife expert Henry Calvert. “Ravenews has covered stories like this in the past,” says Henry. “You know as well as we do that DJs are feral. The Canadian government needs to step up and intervene. We need laws that ensure that DJs are treated humanely — and that means returning them to a state of nature, where they can frolic in the forests with their deer friends. Treating DJs like they’re human beings is a type of animal cruelty. Imagine if we treated dogs or bears like they were people? It’s not good for them."

The Society for the Ethical Treatment of DJs agrees. “We need to save DJs from civilization,” says SETD spokesperson June Wang. “It’s time that we realize that DJs are animals, and have physical and emotional needs that are distinct from our own. They can’t prosper in our crazy, hyper technological world. We need to put DJs back in their natural habitat — and the police need to stop arresting them as if they’re human being. At least let Animal Control take care of them.”

Montreal’s Club Chapeau De Fesse has drawn controversy after banning uncircumcised men from it’s property. “A few months back a promoter started throwing events exclusively for well endowed men and large breasted women,” says Chapeau de Fesse owner Roger Pilon. “I was inspired by his idea and decided to offer Montreal a one of the kind establishment: one where all the men were circumcised. That means any woman or gay man who comes to this event knows exactly what they’re getting when they pick up someone to bring back home: an aesthetically pleasant penis that doesn’t have that’s free from ugly foreskin."

Many women and gay men are thrilled by Club Chapeau De Fesse’s new “No foreskin” policy. “No offence, but I like my penises cut and clean,” says local slut Elizabeth Thompson. “This club guarantees that my one night stands will never end with me being disappointed by someone’s unhygienic foreskin covered penis. Sucking on a penis with foreskin is like sucking on an elephant trunk. It just doesn’t feel that nice."

Cock hungry flamboyant homosexual Benny Diner agrees. “Ugh, I don’t get gay men who are uncircumcised,” says Benny. “I really don’t. They’re like aliens to me. Weird, slimy aliens with odd looking penises that I want to laugh at, not carefully cradle in my hands. When I go to a club, I want to find a big beautiful cock I can worship, not a scary wrinkly penis monster I want to run away. Chapeau de Fesse has my hunt for beautiful penises a lot easier."

Roger says business has exploded ever since he instituted his no foreskin policy. “Eventually, I want to make it possible for customers to rate each other’s penises, and men who have exceptionally beautiful cocks will get to drink free. My dream is to make Club Chapeau De Fesse the world’s premiere location for well endowed men with wonderful wangs, wangs that are works of art."

Scientists have long been baffled by the way ravers insist on sleeping in kitty litter. “Ravers have always loved sleeping in that stuff,” says raveologist Jeffrey Winks. “It’s been going on since Ludwig Van Troubador threw the world’s first dance party back in 1859. At the end of the party, after everyone was done busting moves to early psytrance, the ravers all went home and fell asleep on a pile of kitty litter. Until recently, no one knew why ravers were drawn to this kind of sleeping arrangement, but now thanks to some recent research, we might have finally figured this mystery out.”

It turns out, rave music alters people’s DNA in ways that make them act like cats. “Techno music changes who we are at a genetic level,” says Jeffrey. “It basically flips off certain genetic switches, regressing us to a more primal state. Millions of years ago, cats and humans shared a common ancestor, a placental mammal whose descendants also include dogs, bumble bee bats, and manatees. Techno music basically makes us behave more like this common ancestor of ours, and we believe that this ancestor really loved the kind of clay that kitty litter is made of. This clay material resonates with ravers on a deep and primal level. After they listen to techno music, it’s like they’ve gone back in time to when their ancestor was the kind of basic creature who liked to piss and shit in kitty litter like environments. Sleeping in this environment soothes the raver and comforts them.”

Most ravers, when asked, can’t explain their love of kitty litter. “When I sleep in kitty litter, it makes me feel the same way that drinking chicken soup does. It just warms my soul. I don’t know anything about the genetics of raving, i just know what feels right, and sleeping in kitty litter feels right.”

Montreal’s community of autistic libertarians and socially awkward virgins is going crazy for bitcoin parties, raves that only let people in if they’ve paid with bitcoin. “Bitcoin parties are the new Pog parties,” says fedora enthusiast and Ayn Rand acolyte Luther von Pendlebottom. “At a bitcoin party, you know everyone there is going to be united by their love of crypto currencies and their hatred of security theatre. It’s a party for people who love the free market and hate worthless welfare moochers. Imagine being trapped in a room full of overly opinionated people who don’t know how to respect personal boundaries while simultaneously being painfully shy. That’s a bitcoin party and it’s amazing.”

Elen Wage, a nineteen year old computer science major, agrees. “I wouldn’t listen to Pendlebottom. His description of a Bitcoin party doesn’t line up with reality. He just loves hamming up the image of the awkward bitcoin lover in order to keep out the norms from our events,” says Elen. “And it’s true. The bitcoin community really is a lovely place right now, because it hasn’t been contaminated by status hungry normal people. We’re weird, but we’re incredibly smart and innovative. At a Bitcoin party, you know everyone’s going to be educated, but they might not be educated in the mainstream sense. The last event we had a battle robots, holographic DJs, and and a VR room. How many other raves have that sort of tech? We’re at the cutting edge, but if we open our doors to the rest of society, they’ll drag us to the boring middle. So fuck that. No, we’re all weirdos! If you’re a woman, don’t attend one of our events -- you’ll get raped by all the bitcoin obsessed misogynerds. And if you’re a liberal art graduate, definitely don’t come because bitcoin nerds are racist homophobes and closet members of the K.K.K. Just stay the fuck away with your bourgeois bullshit.”

Luther admits that he might have oversold the awfulness of bitcoin parties. “Right now, anything that liberal art graduates touch turns to shit,” says Luther. “They gentrify every single community they touch. And in order to justify their gentrification, they wrap up their elitism in a flag of social justice. Sooner or later, they’ll come for us, the same way they’ve colonized most of the internet. Well, we’re not going to let that happen. They’ll try to make bitcoin respectable, and I’m here to say: we’re going to resist you. We don’t need you to make us more moral, or more socially acceptable. You’re outsiders, and we’re going to keep it that way. We don’t want affluent “feminist” university graduates gentrifying our communities. They belong to us, and we’re going to hold on to them.”

Montreal’s DJ Vlad Hussein, a fixture of the city’s psytrance scene, was arrested over the weekend after he dropped tens of thousands of spiders on to party goers at Club Pitoune Fatale. “Everyone was running and screaming,” says club owner Andre Bolshevik. “It was horrible. Have you ever choked on a mouthful of hairy little spiders? Well, dozens of people have thanks to that loathsome man.”

The elaborate stunt took weeks of planning according to police, proof that even serial drug abusers are capable of accomplishing incredibly things when they put their minds to it. “Mr. Hussein built a dozen small computerized spider catapults,” says Lt. Louis Kent of the SPVM. “Each catapult was loaded with a box of spiders. The triggering mechanism, which he designed and programmed himself, was connected to the internet via the club’s wi-fi connection. Finally, the catapults were attached on to the lighting fixtures in the club. These weren’t massive catapults, they were small enough to fit on top of a lighting rig.”

DJ Vlad’s friends weren’t surprised by his arrest. “The guy’s a genius,” says childhood friend Velma Louise, “but he’s the kind of genius that’s stupid enough to waste his talent on bullshit like spider catapults. Sure, he could be making the world a better place. He could be figuring out new and innovative ways to help people. Instead, he builds a dozen remote controlled spider catapults and traumatizes hundreds of strangers. There’s a special kind of stupidity that only smart people are capable of possessing, and Vlad’s got it in spades. He’s the dumbest smart person you’ll ever meet.”

Mr. Bolshevik doesn’t know why his club was targeted by DJ Vlad. “I don’t know. We hired him a couple of times. He seemed like a nice enough guy. He was strange in the way that people who love psytrance are strange, but relatively harmless. More Shaggy Rogers than Lord Voldemort. Weird, but not scary. But I guess there was a seriously dark current running through his brain, and my customers paid the price for it.”

DJ Vlad, for his part, refuses to say why he launched his spider attack, though he did ramble on like a lunatic when asked. “Spiders, spiders, spiders! Everywhere! In your hair! On your chair! In your bed! In your head! Spiders in your mouth, and in your nose, spiders on your face and on your toes, ” says DJ Vlad. “Spiders falling from the sky. Spiders, spiders, spiders.”

A new study released by the Montreal Institute for Important Discoveries has shown that ravers are overwhelmingly more religious than non-ravers. “Seventy five percent of ravers claim to believe in a higher power,” says lead researcher Cyndi Lauper. “That’s compared to just thirty five percent for non-ravers. This suggests that there’s a great deal of spiritual hunger among ravers that could be tapped into by religious authorities across America. I think if there’s ever going to be a religious revival movement, the EDM scene will be the ones who lead the way.”

DJ Khaled Le Red agrees. “There’s a reason I start all my DJ sets with the lords prayer,” says Khaled, “and that’s because I know my audience is thirsty for Jesus. When I first started leading the crowds in prayer, people thought I was crazy, but now you can’t go to a party in Montreal without seeing people in the corner, kneeling before God. Ravers are the children of the lord, and they go to parties in order to transcend the prisons of the flesh. The act of dancing is really a sacred act, it’s the embodiment of religious sacrifice, of giving yourself over to something than yourself. That’s something I think a lot of ravers understand. I helped give a voice to the religious itch that underpins so much raving, and now that voice is booming across America. God is great, and raving is a way to honour that greatness.”

Hillary Winston, a 21 year old raver from Mascouche, says raving helped her find religion. “At first I turned to drugs, and then I turned to sex, but it wasn’t until I heard Khaled talk about the spiritual nature of raving that I felt my heart open up. I don’t know if I agree with his brand of Christianity, but I absolutely believe that raving is at it’s best when we recognize that we’re dancing in order to find a deeper connection to the world. We’re looking to discover our place in the Universe. Raving has a dark side, that side where we try to escape ourselves, to forget our pain and misery. I think a lot of people are turning away from the dark side. They no longer see raving as an act of escape, instead it’s become an act of spiritual revival, an act of communion with the world beyond our fleshy little cages. It’s incredible, because once you see raving as a way to transcend yourself, you no longer feel like escaping yourself. It’s the difference between finding meaning and losing hope. Today’s ravers are finding meaning, while ravers twenty years ago just wanted to get high, get laid, and get lost.”

Police arrested 23 year old McGill student Henry Gibbins this week after he was caught having sex with a garbage can on the corner of St-Catherine and Bleury. “His pants were around his ankle and his hips were violently thrusting the metal garbage bin,” says Lt. Casey Jones of the SPVM. “If you’ve never seen a men’s erect penis smash up against a garbage can, you should count yourself lucky. That’s an image that the people who witnessed this man’s intoxicated fortification will never scrub from their minds. When they go to bed late at night, their memories will sometime’s drift back to that sight.”

Witnesses agree. One of them, Laura Thibodault, says she now has PTSD as a result of the experience. “Everywhere I go, I’m reminded by what I saw last week,” says Laura. “When I eat breakfast, all I can think about is a man having sex with a garbage can. When I’m out walking my dog, I’m always terrified that I might bump into someone with their pants around their ankles, and their penis flapping in the air in search of a recycling bin or a mailbox or some other large metal object. My therapist put me on antidepressants to help deal with the trauma. I’ll never be the same.”

Henry, for his part, doesn’t see what the big deal is. “Sometimes, when I’m high on LSD, I fall in love with the world around me and just want to have sex with it,” says Henry. “Last week, I saw a really sexy garbage can that was just begging for the D, so I flirted with it and it told me how much it wanted my manhood inside of it, and I was happy to oblige. The people who freaked out are just bigots who don’t want to see people having sex with garbage cans. They discriminate against the inanimate. The fact that this kind of sexual intolerance still exists in our society really says something about how degenerate we are as a species.”

The Montreal Coalition Against Poverty, an organization founded by party promoters in 1998 with the goal of bringing techno music to the homeless, is launching a new initiative on November 21st that’s sure to get tongues wagging across Canada. “We’re going to fight poverty by throwing money free parties,” says MCAP’s current president Noel Goodleson. “Instead of paying with cash to attend our events, we want people to pay us in pogs. Once our society embraces pogs instead of money, we will usher in a post-capitalist world where we are all homeless but have plentiful access to techno music. It’ll be raver heaven.”

Drug addled pog enthusiast John Gruber agrees. “When i’m not sleeping in an alleyway, I’m slamming pogs on park benches with my fellow hobos. When you get right down to it, most homeless people have lots of pogs, but we don’t have lots of money, so this Pogs-Not-Gold MCAP initiative is going to make a real difference in our quality of living. It’s time all the rich fats cats realize that pogs are just as valid a current as fiat money printed by a central bank whose legitimacy rests upon the slovenly disinterest of the masses. If the people wake up and say ‘no, you’re money is worthless,’ than bang, it becomes worthless. At the end of day, the only thing that gives money value its value is the trust people put in it. If we no longer trust the currency, than it collapses. It’ll be glorious when the proles rise up and start treating pogs with more respect than cash. I hope this initiative takes off, if only for the spectacle of it all.”

Pog makers, for their part, are seeing a huge boom in business. “MCAP isn’t the first organization that’s called for a pog-based economy,” says POG & PLUNDER Industries, the largest maker of pogs in the state of Vermont. “In fact, it’s a little known fact, but the U.S Government already pays it’s soldiers in pogs. Google it if you don’t believe me. It’s true. White nationalists like to believe that America is controlled by ZOG, but the truth is, it’s really controlled by pog.”

Ravers in Montreal are looking forward to a future dominated by pogs. “Man, I loved those milk cap toys when I was a kid in the 90s,” says DJ Hipster Tits, “so i’m down with the idea of replacing money with pogs. I mean, once hyperinflation hits and our dollars are worth pennies, what will we do with our cash? At least pogs double as toys.”

Theodore Logan, a 22 year old plumber from Valleyfield, died late Monday evening after trying to get drunk on vanilla extract. “He choked on his own vomit,” says best friend Leelee Lemon, “it’s a really tragic way to go. He didn’t die fighting ISIS in Rojava, he didn’t die saving a child from a burning house, he didn’t die valiantly or bravely. He died because he was desperate for alcohol, so he chugged down bottle of vanilla extract. He found the taste so disgusting that he puked, and then he choked on his own puke. I loved the guy, but damn was he was stupid.”

Theodore was not the first man to die a vanilla extract related death. “Vanilla extract is 35% alcohol,” says vanillologist and white supremacist Chet Gaswell. “That’s enough to get you drunk. And a lot of working class caucasians are willing to try their luck on a cheap buzz. It never ends up. I have to emphasize the racial dimension of vanilla extract related mortalities. Death by vanilla extract is an overwhelmingly white person phenomenon, for every black person who is dumb enough to drink vanilla extract, you’ve got at least twenty honkies doing the same thing. It’s a tragedy of epic scale that the biased mainstream media refuses to cover. They don’t want to talk about how white people are dying, every day, because of vanilla extract. That’s not a coincidence, it’s all part of the western elite’s plan to murder the white race. Vanilla extract is white genocide in a tiny little bottle.”

Genocidal maniac Charles Clampton agrees. “As an expert in murder and mayhem, I attest to everything that Chet Gaswell says. Not only that, but my investigations reveal that vanilla extract isn’t made of vanilla beans, as commonly believed, but by the grounded up remains of white people who have been abducted and murdered by a shadowy militant organization known as Kill Whitey. As a ruthless killer myself, I respect the work they do. That said, I believe that people should know the truth. When you use vanilla extract to make cookies, you’re really eating dead white people.”

Leelee Lemon isn’t so sure. “I don’t think there’s an epidemic of vanilla extract related deaths, nor do i think vanilla extract is made up of dead white people,” says Leelee. “I do, however, think that Theodore was an idiot, and now other idiots are capitalizing on his death by spreading crazy conspiracy theories.”

The United Nations has declared a new era of global harmony after Tumblr users solved racism. “Thanks to the effort of affluent upper class Tumblr users, the world has now entered a period of racial harmony built on a foundation of social justice” says Ban Ki Moon, current president of the U.N. “For years, Tumblr users, who are overwhelmingly affluent members of the middle and upper class, have valiantly fought against inequality by engaging in online histrionics, insulting their opponents, and acting like spoiled brats. Little did we know, but this behaviour was the absolute key to solving humanity’s long standing issues. Racism has been cured, and we have Tumblr to thank for it.”

Tumblr users say it’s about time the world fell in line with their politics. “Nothing defeats social injustice as readily as demonizing whites, insulting men, and laughing at cis-gendered people,” says radical feminist Lisa Moore. “Like most Tumblr users, I come from a wealthy background. My father’s a lawyer, I study at Yale, and I access Tumblr on my macbook pro, which I got as a christmas present. As a Tumblr user, I learned early on that wealth and class are unimportant issues that need to be minimized and marginalized. Only rich people with university degrees are capable of fighting real social injustice: things like wearing the wrong kind of halloween costume or enjoying problematic pop culture products. That’s the real heart of racism and inequality in our society.”

Lisa says that Tumblr’s social justice community’s decision to shift attention away from class toward’s issues of diversity in pop culture products produced by giant billion dollar corporations was the key to solving racism. “As an affluent progressive from Yale, I can clearly state that there is no link between class issues and race issues. The only way to tackle racism is by ignoring class. This is especially important when it comes to poor white people, who don’t matter and don’t count. There was a recent study released by researchers at Stanford that shows that poor whites in Detroit have lived more stressful lives than poor blacks in Detroit as measured by their cellular scars. This study suggests that race and class intersect in ways that are determined by local circumstances, and so we should look at the experiences of power and privileged on a case by case basis since the distribution of power isn’t uniform. As a tumblr user, I can say for certain that this study is bullshit. The fact is, power and privilege aren’t experienced locally, they’re experienced non-locally in ways that are determined by affluent university graduates who’ve read a few books by Bell Hooks and Ta Nehesi Coates.”

Lisa goes on to explain that racism, as a social force, is a social construct that can be redesigned by a powerful new social elite. “The way it works is like this: we know that race is a social construct, and that means so is racism, so the key to abolishing racism is to empower people who want to create a new social construct. Who better to obey than affluent Tumblr users with degrees in cultural studies from ivy league Universities? It’s so obvious, i’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. Anyways, now that rich kids from Tumblr have redefined racism to mean whatever we want it to mean, the world has become a paradise where everyone is treated equally, except white people, straight people, and cis-gendered people. Fuck those pieces of shit with a giant rusty nail. Yale forever! Harvard forever! Long live the academic elite and their moral superiority! Down with the working class!”

Canada’s Liberal Party is doubling down on radical social liberalism with it’s new State Funded Brothels initiative. This new initiative comes on the heel’s of last weeks Pokemon Identity Act, a controversial bill that will make it legal for teenagers under 18 to buy alcohol so long as their pokemon collection is impressive enough. The Pokemon Identity Act raised alarm among Canada’s dwindling population of social conservatives, who are now recoiling in horror at Trudeau’s latest effort to turn Canada into a decadent mess of drugs, sex, and rock and roll.

“First they abolish the drinking age, and now they’re opening up brothels in our suburbs! What’s next, are they going to mandate gay sex? Are they going to force all the men to dress up as women? The Trudeau Liberals are out control!” says angry old man Heinz Levieux. “I spend all my free time complaining about the liberals on Facebook, and now thanks to the state funded brothels initiative, I’m going to have even more things to complain about! Whores belong downtown, with all the dirty hipsters. Leave us suburbanites alone!”

The countries sex workers are thrilled at the possibility of state subsidized brothels opening up across the land. “Now that the government is getting directly involved in the regulation and sale of sex, sex workers will be much safer,” says escort Lucy Ling. “We’ll be unionized, we’ll have access to the full protection of the law, and we’ll be better positioned to ensure that sex workers in Canada are here by choice. As long as sex work exists in a grey legal zone it will be home to predators who exploit vulnerable women. Some radical sex negative feminists want to abolish sex work, and they’re just as misguided as the social conservatives who share their hatred of us. In the end, sex has always been commodified and will always be commodified, and it’s up to all of us to accept this and to find ways to make the sale of sex safe for everyone involved. Human beings are imperfect. We are never going to eliminate crime, we’ll never eliminate gambling, we’ll never eliminate prostitution. What we need to do is find ways to handle vices to maximize safety and minimize violence. When we stick our heads in the sand by believing that human vices can be eradicated with sufficient government engineering, we end up creating hostile environments for sex workers that put them at risk.”

John Wilkes, Canada’s Minister of Prostitution and Cocaine, grees. “Not only is subsidizing brothels good for sex workers, it’s good for Canada, it’s good for the economy, and it’s good for all the lonely politicians out there who have frigid wives. Lord know’s I’d rather be ploughing a couple of whores than going back home to my wife, who I haven’t had sex with in over five months.”

Friends of Garth Beaner, a 38 year old man who is still obsessed with a party he went to all the way back in 1999, are asking the public to attend an intervention they’re throwing for him. “Garth is nearly a middle aged man at this point,” says long time friend Lisa Bunkersnutch, “and yet he still can’t shut up about a party he went to nearly two decades ago. It’s like time froze still for him, and so we’re asking the public to help us bring him back to the present. He needs to let go of the past.”

Garth thinks his friends are overreacting. “I’m not obsessed with Natura 1999, the best rave that was ever thrown in the history of mankind,” says Garth. “Sure, I love that party. Yes, i’ve got a little shrine in my living room dedicated to it. When I wake up in the morning, I say a little prayer to Natura. That doesn’t mean I’m obsessed. It’s just that, once you’ve been to the best party the world has ever seen, it’s important to honour it’s memory. There’s never going to be another party like it. It’s gone. Forever. So I’ve taken it upon myself to hold it’s memory alive by talking about it constantly to everyone I meet. That doesn’t make me obsessed, it just means I believe in something, and that something is a rave I went to when I was eighteen.”

Acquaintanes of Garth claim that he truly is incapable of shutting up about Natura. “Oh god, it’s the only thing he ever talks about,” says his co-worker Nancy Grace. “The moment he opens up his mouth, all he ever talks about is that goddamn party. He peaked when he was 18. Now he can’t move on. It’s always Natura this and Natura that. I hope his friends succeed in getting him to shut up about that damn party, otherwise i’m going to shove an ice pick in his eye and throw him off a cliff, and then once he hits the ground, I’m going to pour gasoline all over his corpse and set him on fire and roast little heart shaped marshmallow over him. Does that obsessive? Yeah, well, if you had to listen to your co-worker yammer on about a shitty rave from twenty years ago day in and day out, you’d get obsessed with ending his obsession too. Gah. I need a beer.”

Garth refuses to accept that his actions are abnormal. “People talk about the things they care about. For some people, that’s their kids, or their activism, or their favourite tv show. For me, it’s Natura 1999, the party where I experienced psytrance perfection. I’ll never shut up about perfection. No one who’s ever experienced it would. Being at Natura was like being in the presence of God.”

Eric Cartier, a 43 year old dentist from Pierrefonds, has divorced his wife and abandoned his children in order to pursue his life long ambition of becoming a rave promoter. “There’s no greater feeling in life than throwing an amazing party for a bunch of drug addled twenty something hipsters,” says Eric. “I’d rather help young people dance their ass off than raise my children or be a good husband. Being a family man is boring, but being the heart and soul of a dance party is never dull.”

Eric says he woke up one day, saw his wife’s face, and realize he hated her on a deep and primal level. “I just couldn’t bring myself to spend another damn minute with her. I was tired of being trapped in a suburban house, living a suburban life, drowning in suburban anxiety. It all felt so meaningless, so utterly unimportant. Instead, I remembered how much fun I used to have when I was 19 years old and high on MDMA, running away from the police after they stormed an illegal warehouse party. I actually enjoyed those fleeting moments of debauchery more than the years I spent raising my kids. How sad is that? The things society tell us we need to do to be happy actually made me miserable. That’s why I decided to become a rave promoter. I’m going back to the past, and I’m letting society know I won’t live by it’s rules anymore. I’m going to throw awesome parties, have sex with 18 year old girls, and do a shit ton of cocaine. That’s how I want to spend my life, and if that makes me a bad person, than so be it!”

Lisa Cartier, Eric’s wife, is devastated by his transformation. “I thought we had a happy life, but I guess I was wrong,” says Lisa. “I just hope no one makes my mistake -- never marry a raver, because they’ll never grow out of their desire to party. It’ll always be there, buried in the back of their brain, just waiting to escape. Ravers are physically and emotionally incapable of settling down. Sooner or later, they’ll go back to their old ways, and they’ll leave a trail of broken hearts in their wake.”

Next August, clubs across Montreal will begin accepting pokemon cards in place of ID, thanks to the Liberal party’s Pokemon Identity Act. Even though he’s barely been in office for more than a week, Prime Minister Trudeau has been on a warpath, quickly implementing policies that he hopes will resonate with teenagers and young adults. “At the end of the day, we just felt that young people would appreciate a new approach to how we deal with alcohol in our society,” says Helen Miroy, Canada’s Minister of Public Intoxication. “The fact is, ID cards are very dehumanizing. Instead of treating teenagers on a case by case basis, we simply assume that they’re all incapable of handling their liquor. That’s obviously not true. With the Pokemon Identity Act, teenagers will have the opportunity to prove their alcoholic worthiness by showing bouncers their pokemon card collection. If the bouncers are impressed, the teenagers will have permission to get drunk.”

Helen says that this new approach is more democratic and should be popular with both club owners, teenagers, and their communities. “We don’t believe that the government should be imposing blanket limits on alcohol consumption from the top down,” says Helen. “We live in a free society, and in a free society communities need to be empowered so that they can establish their own boundaries. It’s not up to Ottawa to tell people what’s acceptable and what isn’t acceptable. Pokemon cards are useful tools in creating boundaries of acceptability. Our act doesn’t dictate which pokemon cards are impressive, that’s up to the community. We’re letting people at the grassroots determine which pokemon cards teenagers should own before they’re allowed to get drunk. This idea is a bit outlandish, but the Trudeau Liberals believe in thinking outside the box.”

Teenagers say that they look forward to the Pokemon Identity Act going into law. “Man, if the only thing I need to do to get drunk on liquor is buy a couple of pokemon cards off Ebay, I’m all for it,” says 16 year old high school drop out Tracy Lynn. “I love Justin Trudea, I love pokemon, and I love beer! Canada’s fucking awesome!”

Toronto’s controversial family therapy Marissa Mayner is known to court controversy, and her latest stunt is sure to boost her public profile. This weekend, she launched The Family LSD Initiative, a non-profit dedicated to legalizing LSD, which she says is a wonder drug that possesses incredible therapeutic powers. “A little bit of LSD can a whole lot of difference in the quality of your family relationships,” says Marissa. “Dysfunctional families can become whole again by taking LSD together. This might sound crazy, but the science is sound. Studies from around the world show that LSD is a game changer when it comes to therapy. It can be used to break old habits and to create the mental flexibility required to adopt new ways of being and relating. The current prohibition on LSD is sentencing tens of thousands of family to pain and misery, misery that could be lifted with just a bit of acid.”

Social conservatives disagree. “Drugs are bad, mmmkay,” says Chester Wingnut, the founder of Adults Against Scientific Immorality, a non-profit dedicated to saving souls from the corruptions of science. “I don’t care if studies show that LSD can be used therapeutically. Just because something is good for you doesn’t mean it isn’t immoral, and LSD is definitely immoral. Anyone who takes it is a bad human being who deserves to ostracized, imprisoned, and physically and emotionally ruined. We, as a society, need to stand up against scientific progress that challenges the moral foundations of our communities. Drugs are bad, period.”

Government politicians share Chester’s opinions. “Sure, if we legalized LSD and made it possible for therapist to use it in their practices, it would help a lot of people,” says Liberal candidate Godfrey Willtowers, “but just because drugs can help people doesn’t mean we should legalize them. Canada’s drug policy was largely shaped by our American neighbours to the south, and we can’t just go and change those policies just because scientists say we should. If we do that, we’ll upset America’s massively corrupt drug policing apparatus that depends on the complete and total obedience of it’s vassal states. People think that we’re an independent country, but we’re not. Canada can’t go passing laws that will upset the American’s. We can disagree over small things, but we can’t disagree over big things like the war on drugs. Our freedom is limited by American power, and Canadians need to learn to accept that.”

Chester says he’s glad that corrupt American drug warriors hold so much power over Canadian policy. “I’m really happy that Canada’s a vassal state that’s incapable of setting it’s own policies and agendas without first asking for American permissions,” says Chester. “America helps keep Canada moral, and that’s a good thing. All hail our American overlords, protectors of Canadian morality!”

Marissa remains committed to challenging Canada’s drug laws. “We need to step out of America’s shadow and forge our own path,” says Marissa. “It’s time for Canada to declare independence from American drug policy. It’s time for us to stand up for truth, science, and the Canadian way.”

The Liberal Party of Canada says it will replace the national anthem with a track by Deadmau5 within the next three years. “Canada is a hip and progressive country,” says George Watson, the Minister of EDM, “and that’s why we need to modernize the country by embracing modern music. Forget the dreariness of the old anthem. We need to replace it with something new, something young, something that the kids will like. Canada belongs to the youth, and it’s time we recognize that fact.”

Deadmau5 has been tapped to craft a new anthem for the Country, though Mr. Watson says that work on the song will only begin once consultations with the public are conducted across the country. “Look, the old anthem was forced on to the public from the top down. The new anthem will be a collaborative effort that will draw on the experiences and tastes of Canadians across the country. It will represent Canada from west to east, from south to north, from the country side to the urban core. Music is an integral part of the human experience, so it’s important for us to create a new anthem that captures Canada in all it’s modern complexities.”

Mr. Watson also says that this song will seek to incorporate the multicultural nature of Canadian society without appropriating the disparate identities of Canadian minorities. “Canada is a glorious country of immigrants, and it’s important for us to embrace those differences without dispossessing people of their cultural heritage. It’s a tricky balance that we need to walk, which is why we’re asking Tumblr users and liberal art graduates to take a leading role in managing the creation of a truly post-colonial, multicultural Canadian anthem. I’m sure that they possess the emotional intelligence and maturity necessary to create a song that represents all Canadians -- and that song will ultimately be given shape and form by Canada’s very own Deadmau5.“

Montreal’s student population is raving over the hipster human centipede show that’s currently taking place at the Jmemcriss Desanglosgauchiste Salon. The controversial show features a painter staring at a blank canvas while he’s surrounded by a chain of asshole licking effete weirdos. The scene itself was inspired by the horror movie The Human Centipede, says Joseph Goebbel, the salon’s proprietor as well as the man responsible for the show.

“Nothing captures the spirit of today’s world better than a room full of gullible idiots sacrificing their self-respect in the name of art,” says Joseph. “We now live in a society where a bunch of university graduates thought re-enacting scenes from the horror movie The Human Centipede in real life was a good idea. Those idiots you see licking each other’s butts? Yeah, that’s what a liberal art degree gets you: the chance to humiliate yourself in front of strangers.”

Most students don’t see it that way, though. “I’m studying liberal arts at Concordia because I want to challenge working class standards of dignity,” says Lucy Lawful. “Even though Mr. Goebbel’s intention is to mock people like me, I think he’s actually doing his own cause a disservice. The fact is, so long as you get a liberal arts degree, nothing you do can be undignified, and that includes re-enacting scenes from The Human Centipede. The only thing that can possibly be undignified in our society is being a member of the working class. You went to trade school and became a plumber? Well, you’re far more disgusting than a room full of strangers licking each other’s assholes for art. That’s something I learned at Concordia, and I think it’s the truth.”

Joseph says he doesn't care what the students think. "I'm done with this world. It's full of idiots and imbeciles, and I can't handle it anymore. I'm going to wrap up the art show by setting myself on fire in front of a live audience. I'm done dealing with all you degenerate freaks."

Dozens of ravers drowned in a tragic boat accident over the weekend after they hit an iceberg off the coast of Newfoundland. The ravers, who had rented the boat to throw a school party, had next to no nautical experience. The only survivor, 22 year old television junkie Josh Wiggums, credits his love of the 1980s hit TV show Macgyver with saving his life.

“Once the boat started sinking, I knew it was do-or-die time,” says Josh. “I asked myself, ‘what would MacGyver do in a situation like this?’ That’s when I noticed that the fattest kid on the boat had been killed after a turn table fell on his neck. I swam over to his pudgy body and used the remains of the turn table to transform his dead body into a serviceable raft."

Engineers are in awe of his ingenuity. “I think it’s excellent that this young man was able to transform a fat kid into something useful,” says Georgio Gionni, president of Engineering A Thinner World, a foundation dedicated to tackling obesity using science. “We’ve decided to offer young Mr. Wiggums a scholarship in order to honour his quick thinking. In the event of a tragedy, everyone should always ask themselves ‘Is there a fat person here we can use as raw materials for a life saving invention?’”

Josh agrees. “I think fat people were put on earth for a reason, and that’s to help skinny people survive horrifying tragedies. I’m grateful that i shared that boat for a fat kid, whose buoyancy helped me survive the harsh atlantic ocean. Blubber, combined with good old fashion Macgyverisms, saved my life. I’ll never forget that."

Montreal police are asking the city’s event promoters to be extra careful after the notorious Yolo Killer, posted a threatening video to youtube, warning that he would eat and devour anyone who dared organize a rave on the island. “Given the Yolo Killer’s murderous track record, we believe that his threat is credible. Event organizers should be extra cautious in the weeks and months ahead. If they see a man in a yellow track suit chasing after them with a pick axe, they should call the police."

The Yolo Killer has terrorized Montreal for the last five years, killing obnoxious young adults across the city. “In the past, he exclusively targeted people under 25 who ran around screaming yolo in public,” says Montreal detective Regent Rasputin. “Now that he’s evaded capture for so long, he’s become bolder and has broadened his reign of terror to include anyone involved in the city’s nightlife."

Regent believes that he’s targeting event organizers because he blames them for the wanton degeneracy of the yolo generation. “He thinks he can purify Montreal of degenerate party goers by murdering all the event organizers,” says Regent. “He’s right, but that doesn’t mean that he should go ahead and do it. If he wants to clean up the city, he should do it legally by getting elected and ordering the police to beat up event organizers. That’s the lawful way of dealing with trash."

Event organizers say that they’re not worried bout the Yolo killer. “Hey man, I don’t care if yellow track suit wearing psychopath plants a pick axe in my brain,” says event organizer Giles Brown. “You only live once, you know? I’d rather focus on how I live my life than worry about how I’ll die. Pick axe to the brain at 32, heart attack at 54, brain cancer at 83. What difference does it make? Death comes for all of us, so why fret about it."

Dozens of clubs across Montreal will spray human blood all over their guests this Halloween in a gross-out event that has many critics gagging. “Is it disgusting and unsafe? Sure! But that’s half the fun,” says club owning hematolagniac Jason Krueger. “I got the idea from the Netherland’s Blood Rave events, a modern take on the ancient Dutch tradition of Gutenblaak, a pagan ritual for the fall equinox that involves bathing in the blood of dead fat children. I told my promoter friends about Gutenblaak, and now most of the clubs downtown will be hosting blood spraying events of their own. It’s going to be a bloody Halloween."

The Netherland’s banned the practice of Gutenblaak in 1994 after reformers won a narrow referendum on the matter. “Gutenblaak might have been outlawed, but the Dutch fascination with smearing their bodies with blood hasn’t gone away,” says Jason. “The Blood Rave is a more politically correct version of Gutenblaak. Since it doesn’t involve killing fat children, the authorities are powerless to stop it. I hate that we live in a world where morally righteous do-gooders are busy trying to sap society of all it’s rough edges. The world needs weird, psychotic events like Gutenblaak. We need to occasionally slaughter the innocent and cover ourselves in their bloods. Human beings are predators and we should celebrate our killing instincts, not try to pretend that they don’t exist."

The world’s recent fascination with Gutenblaak baffles Dutch authorities, who find its popularity embarrassing. “I don’t want the Netherlands to be associated with blood bath parties,” says Dutch culture affairs minister Henrik Bovine. “There are countless other cultural practices that better represent our people. Our love for exquisitely crafted wooden shoes, our fantastic meat based pastries and our cutting edge pornographic virtual reality industry. These are the kind of things that I wish foreigners would associate with the Netherlands, not that godforsaken barbaric pagan ritual Gutenblaak. The Dutch have moved on from the days when they would bathe in the blood of fat children. We are a now more civilized people, and these blood rave events are offensive. I hope the people of Montreal will respect the people of the Netherlands by saying no to Gutenblaak. Blood raves aren’t just gross, they’re also a grotesque caricature of dutch traditions."

Ramen Raves are coming to Montreal, and party hardy food enthusiasts are already salivating over the event. “I only love three things in this world,” says 19 year old drug addict Jasmine Bushmonger, “and that’s cocaine, ramen noodles, and techno music. The ramen rave combines all three of my passions into one neat package. I can’t wait to eat ramen while dancing my ass off to some psytrance!"

Ramen Ravers were first concocted in Australia, a country where most people have severe brain damage as a result of being constantly bitten by venomous spiders and the occasional rabid wallaby. “Ramen ravers couldn’t have been invented anywhere else but Australia,” says ramen connoisseur and EDM producer Bobby Noyle. “Most people think that ramen noodles are an asian delicacy, but they were actually invented down under by early techno pioneer and Melbourne resident DJ Lionel Hauseregnoff. Lionel wasn’t just just an expert musician, he was also a culinary genius. He spent years trying to make an edible analogue to techno music, and ramen was the result. It’s easy to cook, it’s delicious, it’s cheap, and poor people love it. It’s funny that so few people are aware of ramen noodles techno roots."

Australia’s techno scene decided to correct that by spreading ramen awareness with noodle themed dance parties. “You’re typical ramen rave revolves around a giant kitchen where people can order all the ramen they can eat,” says Ramen Rave founder Mike Catovitch. “In the middle of the kitchen is a DJ booth where talented artists pump out awesome EDM music."

Mike says one of the reasons Ramen Raves are so good is that party goers are encouraged to throw their soup on the DJs if they play a bad set. “The DJs at a ramen rave have to be awesome, or they’ll end the night in the hospital with third degree burns all over their bodies,” says Mike. “Ramen isn’t just a delicious soup, it’s also a potent weapon that we use to ensure that our parties are high quality affairs. Come for the music and the food, stay for the chance to menace DJs with scalding hot soup!"

Montreal’s first Ramen Rave will take place October 31st at General Tao’s Noodle Shackt. Tickets cost $15 dollars at the door, ramen noodles not included.

Doctors are warning men to avoid looking at women with pixie girl haircuts. “Men may not realize this, but the pixie girl haircut has anti-patriarchal powers that give men heart attacks and violent seizures if they’re exposed to them for an extended period of time,” says Dr. Glen Glennerglinn. “Every day, men die of pixie girl haircut instigated illnesses. Thanks to the growing popularity of this feminist haircut, hundreds of thousands of men across America and Europe have died."

Feminists have long known about the anti-patriarchal properties of the pixie girl haircut. Laurie Pennyworth, writing for Newslamp magazine, clearly laid out some simple facts: “Feminism will conquer the patriarchy only after women cut off their hair. Our hair contains magical powers that weaken us the longer it gets. Women are, effectively, like a reverse version of Samson, the biblical character whose hair gave him superpowers. In the case of women, though, our hair makes us powerless before patriarchy, and only by cutting off our locks can we assert our god given rights to kick ass and kill men!"

Henry Crudendorf, the current president of The Patriarchy, says he’s deeply concerned about the modern rise female hair related empowerment. “The Patriarchy has spent centuries hiding the power of female hair from women, carefully building a culture of ignorance around their mane relate strength. Thanks to the rise of gender studies, bourgeois academics are now smashing a conspiracy that has lasted for millennia,” says Henry. “This is a disaster for the human race. The pixie girl haircut poses an existential threat to the power of the patriarchy. And that should concern everyone, because if the patriarchy stops controlling the world, it will create a power vacuum that will lead to an all out war between our closest competitors: jews and lizard aliens from the lower ninth dimension. Feminists can smash the patriarchy, but how will they deal with the worldwide jewish conspiracy and the worldwide transdimensional lizard alien conspiracy? Patriarchy keeps both of those forces in check. Feminists are like the American’s who overthrew Libya and Iraq’s government — they have no appreciation of the shit storm they’ll unleash on to the world by overthrowing us. I hope they like being slaves to alien lizards and zionist bankers!"

Feminists, for their part, remain undeterred. “First we’ll kill the patriarchy with our fabulous pixie girl haircuts, and after that, we’ll deal with the jews and the lizard people."

Candy bracelets make you stupid claim researchers at McCordia University’s Centre for the Psychology of Aging. “It’s true, wearing candy bracelets makes you functionally retarded,” says lead researcher Axel Pink. “People don’t realize the incredible impact their clothing has on their mental and emotional states. At the psychological level, clothing functions as an extension of our physical selves. Our minds often have trouble differentiating between our bodies and the things that adorn them, and this can lead to really interesting psychological phenomena. If you wear a lab coat, you actually start behaving more intelligently, even if you’re otherwise complete idiot. Our clothing literally changes the way we think. Because candy bracelets are associated with children and youth, adults who wear them regress mentally until they’re basically idiots."

Ravers aren’t surprised by the mentally deleterious effects of wearing candy bracelets. “The moment I put on a candy bracelet, I just feel like opening up a can of paint and eating out of it with a spoon,” says 24 year old avid party goers Lacey Johnson. “I don’t know why, but it’s like candy bracelets make me a self-destructive idiot."

Other ravers agree. “Oh man, the moment I put on a candy bracelet, it’s like common sense goes straight out the window,” says 32 year old man-child John Goerring. “It’s not uncommon for me to masturbate in public when I’m wearing candy bracelets. I’d never do that without one of them on, though. It’s like candy bracelets give my brain permission to just let go."

Axel believes that candy bracelets cause our brains prefrontal cortex to shut down, letting our more primal impulses run wild. “The prefrontal cortex is basically our brain’s policeman,” says Axel. “It’s the smart part where reason and logic rule. We did some MRI scans, and we found that the moment people put on a candy bracelet, all the neurons that usually fire in the prefrontal cortex go silent. Have you ever seen those pictures of South Korea and North Korea at night, and how North Korea is pitch black while the south is lit up like a christmas tree? Well, your brain on candy bracelets looks like North Korea. Don’t wear them."

Ravers remain defiant, though. “Sometimes being stupid is good for you,” says Lacey. “Sometimes I don’t want to think, sometimes I just want to eat dirt and giggle and act like a toddler. Being stupid doesn’t have to be a bad thing."

Political strategics across Europe have united behind a controversial strategy to deal with the Syrian refugee crisis: they’re going to open up thousands of clubs near their borders, which the refugees will be forced to attend before being granted passage into Europe. “We believe that if Syrians are exposed to EDM and European club culture, they’ll decide to return home,” says John Wilkinson, an analyst with the Coudenhove Kalergi Institute for European Integrity. “Club culture is so degenerate, no one in their right mind would want to be exposed to it. In a way, clubbing is a kind of refugee repellant. It shows them that Europe is a cess pool of immorality that will poison their souls and damn them to hell."

Many refugees agree. “I was really looking forward to starting over in Germany,” says Syrian John Smith, “but after I was forced to dance to EDM at one of their European clubs, I realized there was no way I would ever want to live in Europe. Those people are savage barbarians whose souls have been thoroughly ruined by materialism. European culture is a culture of whores and greed, of lust and money. Europeans are so busy nurturing their bodies that they neglected their souls, which have withered away and died. There’s nothing sacred left in Europe. It’s a land of pure materialism. I’d rather live in Syria, where people are still aware of the divine. Better to live in a country where life and limb are always at risk than in a country where your soul is constantly at risk."

European clubbers are baffled by the fact that their way of life is being used to repel refugees. “Fun, fun, fun is number one!” says 24 year old cocaine addict Hank Simpson. “Why would anyone be disgusted by a life of pure debauchery? Life is meaningless, there’s no such thing as god, and one day our brief and pointless existences will be snuffed out, our consciousness replaced with eternal emptiness. In the face of these cruel realities, doesn’t it make sense to spend all our times gratifying our fleeting physical urges? Who needs the sacred when you have cocaine and pussy? Fuck bitches, snort coke, dance to EDM. That’s the good life. If the refugees find that abhorrent, than they’re crazy weirdos and Europe is better off without them. If they move here, they need to embrace our rampant nihilism and materialistic lifestyle. Hail Satan!"

Concordia's Union of Bourgeois Anglo Activists is drawing fire for their controversial plan to celebrate the Charlie Hebdo massacre. “We’re going to host a huge rave in honour of the brave resistance fighters who murdered the evil cartoonists behind Charlie Hebdo,” says Concordia student Barry Allan. “We are running straight towards the colonial oppressors, letting them know that their reign of terror is coming to an end. Death to those who disagree with white upper class bourgeois liberalism! Death to our opponents! Kill everyone who disagrees with English speaking university students! Intersectionality akbar!"

Many Montrealers are terrified at how radicalized and insane Concordia students have become. “The political climate at Concordia has become terrifying,” says a professor who insisted on remaining anonymous. “It sometime feels like we’re in the build-up of the third reich. English university activists in Montreal are now openly celebrating the murder of French speaking cartoonists, standing in judgment of a foreign culture despite not understanding it. They don’t seem to appreciate that the English in Montreal are a minority, and that their authoritarian fanaticism will end badly for English speakers, as they antagonize and vilify people who outnumber them. If students at Concordia don’t chill the hell out and back the fuck off, we’re going to see marches against our city’s English universities. It happened in the sixties, and it’s going to happen again if this keeps up. There is a deeply patronizing form of cultural chauvinism that permeates white english activism right now. It’s like they don’t realize that their brand of identity politics elevates their own culture, specifically yankee culture, above everyone else’s while pretending to champion diversity. English activists can get away with this crap in the rest of Canada, but in Montreal? We’re going to have English vs French race riots in the years ahead if things don’t change."

Many Francophones agree. “I am sick and tired of English liberal activists,” says Minette LaMignone. “The Charlie Hebdo massacre is one of those events that really highlights the deep cultural divide between English and French people. The problem is that Concordia and McGill aren’t part of Quebec society. They’re instruments of English domination. Most Concordia students don’t learn anything about Quebec society or history. They’re completely ignorant of how French people were treated prior to the quiet revolution, they have no appreciation for our historical struggles, they’re oblivious to the fact that Francophones used to make fifty cents for every dollar Anglophones made, they don’t realize that when the KKK came to Montreal, it was to harass the French, they don’t remember that the English used to tell the French to speak white. These English liberals at Concordia erase our history, and then they spit on us and lecture us about morality. It is incredibly insulting that our conquerors turn around and claim we’re the oppressor, all while pissing over our culture and our values. The bigots that our English universities keep pumping out are in for a rude awakening. If these Universities don’t get a grip on their student politics and start teaching them to respect French culture, a government far more radical than the Party Quebecois will wind up in power, and when that happens, their will be hell to pay."

Concordia student Barry Allan disagrees. “Look, at the end of the day, English liberalism represents the one true path to freedom and liberty,” says Barry. “The only way to free the planet from colonialism is by colonizing it with yankee bourgeois values. Francophones who don’t agree with English values and social mores are pathetic bigots who need to be eradicated off the face of the earth. If you’re not an English speaking bourgeois liberal, you deserve to be murdered in a hail of gunfire just like the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo. That’s what I believe, and a lot of Concordia activists agree with me. And that’s why our Murder-the-French-Cartoonists party is guaranteed to be a smash hit! It’s going to be full of anglo-chauvnistic cultural imperialists dedicated to imposing yankee values on the world. And the DJs we got lined up are off the hook."

McCordia University's Union for Sane Social Justice Advocates has come under fire after it started selling tiny dildos for toddlers as part of their “Smash The Patriarchy!” initiative, which aims to challenge patriarchal sexual norms including our society’s current prohibition on pedophilia.

“Pedophilia is a patriarchal cultural construct that denies the agency of 4 year olds,” says internet journalist Uhura Spock. “We need to realize that pedophilia isn’t wrong, that giving four year old dildos isn’t wrong. The real problem is shaming pedophiles, the real problem is denying the sexual agency of 4 year olds, the real problem is saying it’s wrong for children to have sexual urges. They have urges, and we need to respect those urges while empowering children to act on them. That’s the only morally acceptable thing we can do. Everything else is sexist patriarchal domination that reinforces our eurocentric cisgendered rape culture, a rape culture that’s grounded in colonialist attitudes built on a foundation of heteronormative genealogies that we need to decenter using radical forms of resistance based on a firm intersectional understanding of narratives that sustain oppressive power relations between toxic white masculinity and its victims."

USSJA spokersperson Helga Labête agreees. “It's 2015! it’s time to accept that history is linear, and you’re either on the right side of it or the wrong side of it. Our values must evolve with the moral arc of progress, which means we have to stop oppressing pedophiles and start embracing their wholly legitimate sexual cravings and urges. If you break the word pedophile down to its roots, you get pedo for child and phile for love. Pedophile literally means loving children. The only people who think its wrong to love children are white supremacist patriarchy loving reactionaries. Don’t let them dictate our culture! Fight the patriarchy by giving a four year old one of our custom made kid sized dildos."

People who were lucky enough to avoid University are baffled by what schools are now teaching students. “What the hell is wrong with McCordia University?” asks 47 year old electrician Jerome Lemieux. “Seriously, what the hell are they teaching these kids? I’m a working class leftist. I’m in a union. I believe in equal rights for everyone and i’m against discrimination, but apparently that’s not enough. Now if i don’t support giving little children dildos I’m the bad guy? Our universities are run by lunatics. God help us once these crazy brats start running the government."

You can buy your old kid sized dildo at McCordia’s Kool-Aid Counter.

A new study by The North American Center of Party Sciences reveals that 85% of teenage ravers grow up to be homeless vagabonds. “Most homeless people are former ravers,” says lead researcher Artie Shaw. “I’d go so far as saying that society doesn’t have a homeless people problem, it has a homeless raver problem."

Artie says that his study doesn’t explain why the vast majority of ravers go on to become homeless. “It’s a huge mystery to us,” says Artie. “We need to do a lot more research on this issue. It’s very odd. Is it the music that predisposes people to a life of a homeless vagabond? Is it the drugs? Is it the self-destructive culture that surrounds the party scene? Right now, we can’t say for sure, but we imagine it’s a mixture of the three."

Teenage ravers who are confronted with the prospect of becoming homeless vagabonds say that they have no regrets. “If dancing to techno at 4am today means that i’ll become a homeless crazy person ten years from now, then that’s a price I can live with,” says 17 year old ketamine addict Hillary Sanders. “The future is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is the here and now. I want to spend my nights pumping my body full of fun chemicals and then shaking my ass like salt and peppers will fall out of it. I want to dance, I want to get high, I want to feel like the world is on fire and i’m at the heart of the flames."

Most homeless vagabonds say that raving was worth it. “I used to be a full time raver, but today I’m a self-destructive wreck incapable of holding down a job or stringing together two sentences without getting distracted, and that’s okay” says vagrant Johnny Five. “God I love masturbating. What were we talking about?"

Artie hopes that his study will help convince teenagers that raving isn’t worth the cost. “You don’t want to sacrifice a few years of pleasure for decades of misery,” says Artie. “Instead of raving, why not go to church and read the bible?"

Dozens of people died Friday night after they refused to vacate St-Henri’s Club YOLO after it caught fire. “The fire alarm was blaring and the water sprinklers were doing their job, but it wasn’t enough to convince people to leave,” says club owner Patrice Lamatriss. “I tried pulling them out of the building, but they refused to listen to me. They just told me that fires weren’t a big deal. They wanted to dance and they were going to dance."

Firemen have said that they’re not surprised. “Young people aren’t smart,” says 54 year old Wallace Polis. “They’ve always been dumb, but this generation is even worse than the last one. They think they’re invulnerable, like they can survive a burning building. Something has gone incredibly wrong with our society. When you’re in a burning building, you’re supposed to evacuate, not dance your ass off."

Many teenagers disagrees. “Look, we’re all going to die sooner or later,” says 19 year old Trevor Bever. “Either we’re going to die of old age, or we’ll die of cancer, or we’ll die after being gang-raped and murdered by Syrian refugees, or we’ll die while dancing to shitty music in a shitty club. Does it really matter? No, it doesn’t. We’re all going to die and how we die is irrelevant. How we live is irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant."

Philosopher Ashley Passiliy agrees. “In the end, refusing to vacate a burning building isn’t any less rational than vacating it,” says Ashley. “The only thing that makes one choice rational or irrational is our frame of reference, but our references are arbitrary. Culture is constructed. Values are constructed. Everything is constructed. And if everything is constructed, than evacuating a burning building and dancing in it until you die are both equally valid decisions. Neither is more rational than the other. Both are equally correct. Life is inherently meaningless."

Patrice isn’t sure how he feels about that assessment. “I think I would have far fewer nightmares if those party kids would have just followed me out of the club,” says Patrice. “Now, whenever i go to bed, all I can hear is their screams. Their horrible, horrible screams."

A source close to the Kremlin has presented Ravenews with incontrovertible proof that Vladmir Putin is funding psytrance parties across America in hopes over overthrowing the U.S government. The source refuses to be named, fearing that their revelations might lead to their assassination.

“The truth is out there,” says the anonymous leaker. “Psytrance was the result of Project Hippie Virus, a program created by the KGB with the intention of demoralizing the people of America. It is an insidious musical genre scientifically designed to cause moral degeneracy and mental retardation. It’s deleterious effects on social well being are off the scale."

The USSR collapsed before the KGB could infect America with psytrance music, but that didn’t spare the states from the wrath of angry rogue agents, who took matters into their own hands. “These KGB agents realized that the USSR was over, but they weren’t going to sit back and let America win. They decided to launch Project Hippie Virus on their own. They stuffed their suitcases full of weaponized psytrance CDs, blue jeans, and coca cola, then traveled to America, where they began organizing raves."

American culture has seen a precipitous decline since the ex-KGB agents launched Project Hippie Virus. “Today, your average American teenager believes that marriage is only beautiful if it’s between gay people, that white people are inherently evil and need to be murdered, that western civilization is terrible and needs to be erased from the face of the planet, and that woman are just as capable as men are of being soldiers. This is all the result of psytrance."

Rave promoters are loath to admit that they might have been useful idiots of the KGB. “Okay, let’s imagine that psytrance really was invented by Russia to destroy the United States: is that so bad?” asks 21 year old raver and Concordia student Ludger Fox. “America sucks. White people suck. Straight people suck. Men suck. If psytrance was designed to kill them, than I think we need to listen to more psytrance. Fuck Western Civilization, long live psytrance!"

Scientists at the Montreal Institute For Aural Phallus Dynamics have finally solved one of the EDM scene’s long standing mysteries: the secret behind why techno lovers are so well endowed. “People have long been baffled by how big the penises are of men who listen to techno,” says lead researcher Jasper Cummings. “Techno enthusiasts have an average penile length of eight inches, a full two inches longer than the average man. That raised a question — does listening to techno give you a big penis, or does having a big penis make you more likely to listen to techno?"

Afters studying the issue for nearly a decade, Jasper’s team of penis specialists have finally solved the mystery. “Our research confirms that listening to techno increases penile growth during puberty,” says Jasper. “The effect disappears once men reach adult hood. Techno’s generative qualities only exist during a brief window of time, but the young men who take advantage of it will benefit for a lifetime."

Techno loving teenage males can expect penile gains of one to five inches. “In our study, every single man who listened to techno as a teenager had a penis over 7 inches long,” says Jasper. “Techno music is the only scientifically proven way to enhance penile length."

Older men who never listened to EDM as teenagers might one day benefit from techno penis therapy, says Jasper. “Now that we’ve identified the penile enhancing properties of techno music, we believe it’ll be possible to harness its miraculous penis powers to help men who struggle with the indignity of having tiny peckers. Techno music will help us create a world where any man can have throbbingly large love rod."

Jasper believes techno might also be able to help flat chested women as well as those who have incredibly loose vaginas. “Techno music is a multi-purpose sex aid,” says Jasper. “Whether you’re dealing with having an itty bitty penis or a cavernous vagina, techno can help."

Millennial men are waging all out war on masculinity, and many of them have decided to embrace the tramp stamp as a symbol of their battle against manhood. Every day, hundreds of men decide to get an emasculating tramp stamp on their lower back in order to symbol to the rest of the world that they’ve given up on being men.

“It’s odd,” says tattoo parlour owner George Freewall. “I’ve been in this business for decades now, and over the last ten years, the kind of tattoos men get has really changed radically. Tramp stamps have rocketed to the top of the most desired tattoo for men. In second place are butterfly tattoos on ankles. Judging by which tattoos are popular, I’d say we have successfully transitioned from a patriarchal society to a matriarchal one. Women now rule, and men are their bitches."

23 year old University student Joseph Brown agrees. “I didn’t learn much in school,” says Joseph. “I’m scientifically and culturally illiterate. I can barely read and I write at a third grade level. Schools failed to teach me a lot of things, but they succeeded in convincing me that being a man is a terrible thing. I hate myself and that’s why I got to a tramp stamp. I want to erase my masculinity and become a woman."

Many women are becoming increasingly frustrated with the feminization of men. “If I wanted to fuck a woman, I’d become a lesbian,” says Tracy Hatman. “But these days, it’s nearly god damn impossible to find a man who has still has balls attached. Our schooling system has really neutered our men. Feh, at this point, I hope Russia conquers the West so I can finally meet men who still have some hair left on their chests."

Other women, though, are huge fans of the emasculating of men. “I can’t wait until men and women are completely interchangeable,” says intersectional english feminist Mary Cobwebbs. “It’ll be great when everyone in our society belongs to a giant androgynous blob where gender differences have been erased and men and women have been smothered to death beneath the weight of the bourgeois academic left. Men embracing tramp stamps is a step in that direction. Kill the masculine, kill the feminine, and embrace the divine truth of our academic prophets, whose holy texts declare that gender is a construct. To deny this truth is to blaspheme before the mother goddess and her apostles, a sin that must be punished with everlasting shame and ostracism. All hail the glories of the Academy, our one true church, and the heart of moral strength. Hallelujah!"

Half a dozen women of loose morals were infected with herpes over the weekend after making out with Brad Thomas, a disease ridden degenerate, at the Tardy Hardy Dubstep Party. “He told me it was just a razor cut,” says 19 year old Emma Godwin, “and I took him at his word. It wasn’t a razor cut though, it was a giant herpes sore. What kind of person would lie about that?"

A lot of people, apparently. “Herpes Pride World Wide,” says Brad. “Some people might think that lying about herpes is immoral, but they’re wrong. The real immoral thing is discriminating against people with STDs. Everyone has a right to physical affection. I shouldn’t be discriminated against just because I have a disease. That’s ableist, and healthy people need to check their privilege. I was punching up against oppressive social norms by lying about my condition."

Henrietta Spanks, Montreal’s most prominent Herpes Pride activist, agrees with Brad. “Discriminating against someone because they have a disease is the same thing as discriminating against them because of their race or their gender or sexual orientation,” says Henrietta. “And besides, the fact that the women couldn’t tell the difference between a herpes sore and a razor cut means that they’re so stupid, they deserve what they got — a wonderful lifelong disease that will help them learn empathy and compassion."

Brad says that he considers giving herpes to women the same thing as giving them a life long gift. “By giving these women my disease, I’ve touched their lives in a way that’s irrevocable and irreversible, forcing them to come to terms with their bigotry and hatred,” says Brad. “In a way, the best thing that ever happened to them was kissing me, because i’ve opened up an entire new realm of emotional possibilities to them. Herpes is like a kind spice that ads new textures to our experiences. A real gift."

Many party promoters say that they’re getting fed up with the herpes pride movement. “You know, the same idiots behind herpes pride are the same people who go on and on about rape culture,” says Tardy Hardy Dubstep Party’s promoter Alex Greyson. “I think kissing people without telling them you have herpes is a dick move that shows contempt for consent, but a staggering number of young idiots disagree They’ve erected an entire moral framework which claims that people with diseases are oppressed by healthy people, and as such, the diseased are entitled to the bodies and affections of healthy people. It’s insane. Consent now basically means that anything a left-wing extremist wants you to do, you need to do, otherwise you’re oppressing them. Look, if you’re a young person, please know you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to kiss or sleep with someone because they’re ‘oppressed’, which is an empty word that doesn’t mean anything anymore."

Brad disagrees. “The only reason Alex thinks that is because’s he’s an ableist bigot,” says Brad. “I should kiss him over and over again until he gets herpes."

EDM has long been considered a progressive stronghold, a music genre that was mainly dominated by young people who identified with liberal values. The rise of dubstep has challenged that view, due to its overwhelming popularity with old white men. “Dubstep is the most popular music genre among rich old white politicians,” says musicologist Donald Prestlin. “If you run a bank, or you’re a lawyer, or you spend your days trying to find new ways to oppress women or are hell bent on stripping them of their reproductive rights, chances are you love dubstep."

What makes dubstep so popular with old white men? “It’s a bit of a mystery,” says Earl Ruthford, the CEO of Patriarchal Solutions & Logistics. “I don’t know why I’m drawn to dubstep, but I do know there’s something about the music that really resonates with me. When I hear a dubstep song, it’s like my soul is screaming out at me, saying ‘It’s time to marginalize minorities and disenfranchise women!’. I can’t quite explain it. It’s like the music draws out my inner desire to oppress and destroy the little people. It makes me feel like i’m Godzilla, and I have to stomp and devour all the weak little creatures beneath my scaly feet."

Many EDM fans agree. “God, dubstep attracts power hungry weirdos,” says party promoter Cleveland Davis. “I used to throw parties, and I had to stop hiring dubstep DJs, because they’d always attract geriatric bankers and lawyers and politicians. No one wants to dance with the patriarchy, and that’s what dubstep attracts. It’s the music of the ruling class, and I think EDM is at its best when its counter cultural, when it says power to the people, not to the pigs."

Earl says it doesn’t matter if small time promoters stop playing dubstep, because dubstep fans rule society. “All the best clubs play dubstep, because we own them,” says Earl. “Dubstep is the music of power. Let the little people listen to their psytrance and their hardcore. The rich, the mighty, and the conservative will listen to dubstep. Dubstep uber alles!"

Party promoters across Canada are promising to organize a country wide rave if the conservatives are re-elected. “If Harper is the prime minister come October 20th, we’re going to kick start the raver revolution,” says brain addled psytrance enthusiast Jerome Buckwaffle. “We’re going to rave away the corruption, the fear mongering, the bad policies! We’re going to change Canada’s political culture one DJ set at time. From Halifax to Victoria, from Yellowknife to Kingston, the EDM generation will march, glow stick in hands, to Ottawa."

Jerome says that the British techno scene inspired him to start a Canadian raver uprising. “Over in the U.K, ravers have organized a non-stop rave outside parliament in an effort to overthrow the democratically elected Conservative party. They’re using the power of techno to let David Cameron know: democracy failed the English, and only psytrance can save them!"

Canadian conservatives disagree. “The existence of raver protests says a lot about the state of today’s liberal opposition,” says conservative M.P Bernard Fiddlesworth. “Their taste in music is as awful as their taste in politics. The fact that they think they can change the world with a dance party speaks volumes about their utter lack of common sense. It wouldn’t be that bad if these raver revolutionaries were at least using dubstep to move the masses, but they’re playing that hippy bullshit psytrance crap."

The working class agrees. “Normal people don’t listen to psytrance,” says plumber Carl Craquefess. “I might have supported this raver revolution if the DJs were going to play some drum & bass or maybe some happy hardcore, but psytrance? Goddam hippies and their goddamn hippy music. If the police don’t gun them down, I hope they choke on their dirty dreadlocks."

Jerome says he’s undeterred by social resistance. “We might have lost the vote, and we might not have the support of the public, but we won’t let that stop us,” says Jerome. “We serve the mighty gods of psytrance. History is on our side. Down with democracy, up with psytrance!"

Ian Gauthier, a 24 year old welder from Mile End, says he’ll never take LSD again after his last drug trip left him stranded in Syria. “I dropped six tabs of acid on Friday night, and then next thing I know, I’m in Syria leading a small rebel army against the government of Bashar Al-Assad. LSD, not even once."

Ian said he was scared out of his mind. “I don’t remember how I went from partying in Montreal to being part of a rebel army. Blackouts are always scary, but this wasn’t a normal blackout. This was a blackout on steroids. I am mystified. My grip on reality has been fundamentally shaken. I can not, for the life of me, imagine any plausible chain of events that would end with me in Syria with an AK-47 in my hands, and soldiers under my command. That happened in less than 48 hours. How is that even possible?"

Ian’s friends are sure how he wound up in Syria. “I was with Ian friday night,” says his best friend Paul Rudd. “We both dropped acid together, then he told me he felt like getting a hamburger at La Belle Salope. He said he’d be right back, and I never saw him again that night."

Carly Simona, Ian’s ex-girlfriend, said she bumped into him while he was hunting for hamburgers. “He looked a little out of it and he was obviously high on drugs. He waved at me on the street, told me he was craving cow meat, then started running like a mad man toward’s La Belle Salope, all while yelling at the sky. Typical LSD freak out stuff."

Employees at La Belle Salope say that Ian never came to their restaurant. “We’ve never seen that man before,” says waitress Betty Grossein. “So whatever happened to him, happened before he reached our restaurant."

The mystery surrounding Ian’s trek to Syria is driving him slowly insane. “It just doesn’t make any sense. Maybe LSD gave me the power to teleport? But that still wouldn’t explain how I ended up leading a small army. Maybe LSD is just the drug we take when God decides to bend the laws of time and space. There’s no causal explanation to what happened, because there’s no actual causality. Everything in life is random. Maybe that’s it?"

Paul Rudd says that the world is a truly mysterious place. “You know, you think life makes sense, and then one day your friend disappears for hamburgers and inexplicably becomes a rebel leader in Syria,” says Paul Rudd. “Reality is weird, man. It’s really weird."

The controversial Herpes Pride Movement has set-up shop in Montreal, and party goers have embraced it’s sore covered face. “It’s time for us to move on from archaic, backward STD shaming practices,” says Herpes Pride activist Henrietta Spanks. “Not only is there nothing wrong with having herpes, many people believe that not having herpes makes you a terrible human being."

Party goers agree. “Payback is a bitch,” says STD infested whore and feminist raconteur Leora Cairribe. “In the past, shamed us for having STDs, but now we’re going to shame healthy people for not having STDs. People who don’t have herpes should be ashamed of their health privileges. They should be ashamed of the way they oppress those of us who have embraced the imperfections of the human body."

Leora says that the Herpes Pride movement is waging war against cis-gendered hetero-normative caucasians. “When we see a straight white person who doesn’t have a STD, we yell at them until they get on their knees and admit that they’re ashamed to be alive. If they don’t do that, we rub our diseased genitalia all over their faces. Fuck cis-gendered hereto normative caucasians who don’t have STDs! Literally, because we need to give them our diseases."

Party goers have embraced this war on healthy genitalia. “Ugh, straight healthy people are boring,” says 19 year old Concordia student Lisa Crisdefolle. “Today’s teenagers realize that only stupid disgusting oppressive white people are STD-free. If you don’t have a disease like herpes or aids, you’re basically the enemy of freedom and deserve to be abolished."

Lisa says that it’s now easier to get a date in Montreal if you have an STD than if you don’t. “No one wants to date anyone who is STD free,” says Lisa. “We don’t want to party with them either. If they don’t want to give up their health privileges, than we don’t want to tolerate them and their oppression."

Many professors at Concordia are blown away at the success of the Herpes Pride movement. “Everyone know’s that privilege is bad,” says Professor Glinda Glindwell of the Concordia Illiberal Arts department, “and today’s teenagers are going out of their way to abandon their privileges by willingly becoming disease carrying whores. Our society is truly ascending dizzying heights of moral purity. "

Henrietta Spanks agrees. “The future belongs to those of us with herpes,” says Henrietta. “We’re done being oppressed. We’re going to abolish all you healthy, disease free scumbags by turning you into one of us. Intersectionality akbar!"

Concordia University students are making asses of themselves yet again, as countless liberal art undergraduates have launched a campaign to make homosexuality illegal. “Gay men discriminate against women,” says kale enthusiast and shrieking harpy Heather Godwin. “Gay men say that they don’t want to have sex with women. Everyone knows that sexuality is culturally constructed. Gays have culturally constructed a sexual identity that rejects half the human population. This is simply unacceptable in a modern, progressive society. We demand that gay men start having sex with us!"

Several University professors agree with Heather. “Human sexuality is a social construct,” says Concordia's Dr. Rich Encrisse. “And if human sexuality is socially constructed, there’s no moral basis for gay men to refuse the sexual advances of straight women. If sexual identities are a choice, then gay men are choosing to discriminate against women. That’s misogynistic and immoral. We need to criminalize homosexuality."

Heather believes that gay men must pay sexual reparations to women. “Women are entitled to male bodies,” says Heather. “The only acceptable solution to homosexuality is to turn gay men into sex slaves who are obedient to bourgeois white feminists. Thanks to the growing power of our Universities, the holy churches of our modern era, more and more people are recognizing the divine nature of Academic feminism, which is the true word of The Mother Goddess, peace be unto her. Thanks to our growing strength, if gay men don’t spread their legs for women willingly, we will legislate their sexual preferences to make them more politically correct."

Not all gay men are thrilled by the prospect of feminist enslavement. “The LGBT scene has lost the plot,” says gay activist Carl Beefcake. “It’s obvious to most sane people that feminists are not allies of gay men. These bourgeois rich white bitches have spent years in their Ivory Towers learning how to highjack minority movements for their own benefit. Sorry darlings, but if you’re from a white upper class family and you can afford to waste years of your life getting a gender studies degree, you are not the oppressed. You are the oppressor. Now you want to kick gay men out of the club we started once we’re finally getting some respect? Fuck that and fuck you. Gay men have a habit of winning the battles we start, and if feminists want to wage war against us, I say bring it on, ladies. You’ll regret it."

The World Brony Community has petitioned the U.N Human Rights Council for special protection. “We are an oppressed minority,” says Brad Snugglesworth, a 24 year old autistic man who is obsessed with Twilight Sparkle. “There is an organized campaign to deprive usbronies of our god given right to be insufferably weird, socially challenged creeps. We may have a toxic infatuation with my little pony, but we’re also human beings, and as human beings, we possess a basic fundamental dignity that is inviolable. Just because we are fascinated by a cartoon meant for prepubescent girls doesn’t mean we’re second class citizens."

U.N HRC commissioner Jones Kwalebi disagrees. “Look, I think we’ve really gone overboard with this egalitarianism thing,” says Jones. “I think everyone can agree that equality has certain functional limitations. Yes, we shouldn’t discriminate against people because of their race or their gender or who they like filling their holes. For the most part, I think we should treat people on a case by case basis. However, bronies? Their entire identity revolves around their love of a cartoon created to capitalize on a popular 1980s toy line. These people are pathetic. Hell, most fandoms are pathetic. If a big chunk of your life revolves around a TV show or a comic book or a video game, and you’re not the person who created it, you deserve to be discriminated against. You’re a creepy weird idiot that deserves to be stuffed into a cannon and launched into a volcano. And you can quote me on that, it is now official U.N policy that bronies deserve to be launched into a volcano. So do Whovians, Beliebers, Trekkies, Twighlighters, and every other ridiculous consumer movement. You’re all morons and no one likes you."

Rural people are happy that the U.N has denied the Brony petition for protection. “The people who identify with fictional characters from shitty television shows are the same people who often make fun of those of us who are god fearing Christians,” says Rev. Hopper of the Church Of The One Direction. “It’s incredible that people who are obsessed with Daleks and cartoon ponies think that they have the moral high ground when arguing with people who spend their lives investigating the deeper mysteries of life as revealed in religious holy works. Oh, sure, believing in god is stupid, but getting upset when people don’t respect you for being obsessed with a pink cartoon pony isn’t? We’ve raised a generation of crazy, whiney bitches."

Breaking up isn’t what it used to be, and thanks to the advent of social media, it’s evolved into a horrifying monstrosity. Young millennials are capitalizing on advances in technology to make saying goodbye to their former lovers as insulting and hurtful as possible. Nothing embodies this terrible trend as much as the rise of Break Up Party, the evil sociopathic twin of the surprise party.

Imagine if your boyfriend or girlfriend threw you a surprise party, except instead of inviting all your friends over to celebrate how wonderful you are, they had invited all their friends over to witness your humiliation as they broke up with you. If that doesn’t sound awful enough, many break up parties are live streamed over the internet. Strangers you’ve never met can gawk at you as you’re ritualistically humiliated by a room full of people.

“The very existence of the break-up party suggests that something dangerous is happening to Western civilization,” says ethicist Hernanda Bonanza. “We are witnessing the complete break down of social decency. Cruelty is being elevated into an art form, maliciousness is being celebrated. Everywhere, people are rewarded for being shit slinging monsters. Western civilization is gasping its last breaths, and the break-up party epitomizes the descent of a once mighty culture.”

Break-Up Parties have already claimed a dozen lives, as its victims, struggling with the concentrated hatred of their peers, choose to commit suicide instead of fighting back.

“I don’t think Break-Up Parties are a bad thing,” says 19 year old Sherryl King. “I think they’re an excellent way of weeding out genetically inferior human beings. If you’re not strong enough to survive the humiliation of your ex-lover getting all his or her friends to laugh at you as he or she breaks up with you, you deserve to die. That’s just a fact. Some people think Break-Up Parties represent the end of Western civilization, but I think we’re just leveling up as a society. We’re making people grow thicker skins by subjecting them to public humiliation on an increasingly frequent basis. If there’s one lesson I learned from school, it’s that the only way to fix society is by getting all your friends to insult and humiliate the people you don’t like. Why should our exes be spared our wrath?"

38 year old Leanna Hogwarts made a shocking discovery at a Plateau based dollar store after purchasing a toy doll that turned out to be full of cocaine. “It was a two dollar baby doll from China,” says Leanna. “Nothing extravagant, just something for my little girl to play with. When I took the doll out of its package, a bunch of white powder started dripping out of its nose."

Leanna isn’t a stranger to cocaine. “I used to do it all the time. I mean, we live in Montreal. Who hasn’t done cocaine here?” That’s why there was no doubt in her mind that the white powder coming out of her toy doll was cocaine.

“The first thing I did was call the police, the second thing I did was contact the media. I didn’t want the police to charge me with possessing cocaine. I came by it honestly and I only snorted the coke that fell out of the dolls nose."

Joe Smorgasvine, the spokesperson for the SPVM, says it’s not uncommon for drug smugglers to sneak narcotics across the border inside cheap Chinese goods. “It happens all the time. We believe that the drug dealers were taking advantage of the dollar stores supply chain in order to get their drugs into Canada. They mixed up some of their own cargo with cargo meant for the store, and that might end up being their undoing."

The police are now believed to be hot on the trail of the actual drug smugglers. “We can’t comment more than we already have, since this is an ongoing investigation. We thank Leanna for having alerted us and we invite other Montrealers to do the same. If you ever buy a doll full of cocaine at your local dollar store, let us know."

Bourgeois journalists are celebrating the latest teenage fad: dying armpit hair bright fluorescent colours. “The next big civil rights fight is armpit hair grooming,” says Montreal beautician Laticia Bonham-Carter. “Many middle and upper class people in their thirties and forties have piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair colour. These fashion statements are no longer acts of rebellion, but symbols of the status quo. Teenagers have decided to differentiate themselves from the neotenous adults who spawned them by embracing radical armpit grooming. It’s not just an act of fashion, but a revolutionary commitment to overthrowing western civilization."

Experts on bourgeois fashion believe that armpit hair is the last remaining part of the human body that hasn’t been colonized by neoliberal capitalism. “Bourgeois feminists recognize recognize that when a woman shaves her armpits, she’s submitting to our awful male dominated society,” says fashion blogger Eustace Gravy. “The only way we’ll ever liberate ourselves from the terror of male domination is if young women mindlessly follow the trends and ideas started by bourgeois white women with liberal art degrees. Our salvation is in the hands of our intellectual betters, and our intellectual betters are telling us that it’s time for us to dye our armpit hair pink and get it braided. Only by turning the bush beneath our arms into temples of revolutionary armpit art can we ever hope to build a Utopian civilization where all the white men have been murdered and patriarchy has finally been laid to rest."

Teenagers agree. “Growing out your armpit hair is the symbolic equivalent of blowing up the white house,” says 16 year old Michelle Eleganza, “and I am all about smashing the powers that be. That’s why I’ve dyed my armpit hair purple. By dying my armpit hair a neon colour, I am distancing myself from patriarchal and capitalist forms of oppression. I am letting the world know that I have a Tumblr account, that I subscribe to Vice magazine, that I am one with the ways of Vox Media. I have liberated me from my materialist prison! All glory to the patriarchy smashing power of glow in the dark armpits! Intersectionality akbar! Feminism for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!"

Despite the growing popularity of ridiculous armpit hair, working class people have yet to latch on to the trend. “Wealthy white people with university degrees are stupid,” says Joe Farmer, a plumber from St-Leonard. “They spend all their time obsessing over bullshit. No one cares about the colour of your armpit hair, ladies. We do, however, care about the way you demonize working class men while erasing our struggles and experiences. You think you’re smashing the patriarchy, when really, you’re just antagonizing the working class. We’ll eventually rise up and enslave every last one of you bourgeois liberal art graduates. You think you’re on the right side of history. You’re wrong. See you at the barricades."

Notorious Cornwall drug dealer Joseph Goebbels, who was arrested last month for selling LSD encrusted sex toys to elementary school children, has been sentenced to living in Toronto. Critics say that the controversial decision, handed out by Justice Keith Sutherland, will have far reaching consequences for the rest of Canada.

“Justice Sutherland has set a new precedent in the way crimes are policed in Canada,” says political scientist Stefan Urkel. “If the Supreme Court lets his decision stand, going forward judges will pass down sentences that are informed by their understanding of local cultural realities."

People across rural Canada are celebrating Sutherland's decision, calling it a victory against urban moral degeneracy. “The country side is being colonized by degenerate city slickers,” says farmer Wallace Brown. “Justice Sutherland’s decision places the blame for drug dealing in Cornwall on the shoulders of urban moral bankruptcy. He’s telling the world that if you’re going to be a scumbag in Cornwall, you deserve to live in Toronto."

Torontonians are baffled that living in their city is now considered a form of punishment. “Living in Toronto is great,” says 27 year old fluffer Katie Moppins. “We’re every bit as moral and sensible as anyone else in Canada."

Child rapist and Etobicoke resident Ted Wilson agrees. “Toronto is the true north of Canada’s moral compass. It’s where the holiest of people come to live. If criminals are being sentenced to live in Toronto, it’s because criminals are more moral than your average Canadian citizen."

Yuppies have fallen in love with gluten free marijuana. The strands inventor, street hustler Hans Grüber, got the idea after seeing how yuppies love wasting their money on bullshit.

“I was walking by this natural food store when I overheard this 34 year old hipster woman talk about how she had just bought some gluten-free dish soap,” says Hans. “The moment those words escape her lips, I realized I could make a fortune by creating a gluten-free product that would appeal to snobby, health-conscious urban idiots. I went home and got to work."

Hans had a Chinese factory manufacture thousands of customized dime bags, each of them with the words ‘gluten-free’ printed on them. “After I received my one-of-a-kind dime bags, I filled them with regular marijuana. Here’s the kicker though, since the dime bags had the words gluten-free on them, I was able to sell my plain-old-pot for 4 times the price. That’s the magic of marketing!"

Despite the fact that gluten-free marijuana is identical to regular strands of marijuana, yuppies insist that they’re different. “The words gluten-free are magical,” says 32 year old VICE magazine enthusiast Jennifer Klimt. “The words are a kind of enchantment, a spell that transforms common-place objects into high class, luxury items. We’re not spending the extra money because the marijuana is better, we’re spending the extra money because it helps us advertise to the world that we’re a better class of human being."

Hans says he doesn’t care why yuppies are stupid enough to buy his gluten free marijuana. “Look, I don’t know why they do it, I don’t care, I just like the fact that they’re giving me all this extra money. I love gluten free products!"

Will Quebec outlaw being sober in 2016? That’s the question countless politicians are asking themselves after the shocking success of Montreal’s Vodka-Shots-For-Bus-Drivers initiative. The once controversial initiative mandated that all bus drivers get drunk on vodka at the start of their shifts. Jessica Lansburry, the initiative’s brainchild, said she wasn’t surprised at how fast her idea bore fruit. “Worker productivity doubled across the island within a week of our drunk bus driver initiative,” says Jessica. “Tax revenue increased by 50%. City coffers are now overflowing with money."

No one’s sure why drunk bus drivers have been such a boon for the city, but few people are complaining. “If drunk bus drivers have done this much for the city, what would happen if everyone was drunk all year round?” asks Montreal mayor Roger Mulcair. “That’s why I believe Quebec should pass a law that makes being sober illegal. Everyone should be drunk, every day, all day long. The drunker the better!"

Alcohologist Andy Scheffer says that making sobriety a crime could be the one thing that can turn Western civilization around. “We’re a society in decline,” says Andy. “And I think drinking ourselves stupid could really help turn that around. We’ve already seen how drunk driving has secondary economic benefits. The economics behind that are a bit of a mystery, but the results are there for everyone to see. Drunk drivers have made Montreal an economic power house, and drunk citizens can do the same thing for Quebec, for Canada, for the entire Western world. Quebec needs to lead the way out of the darkness, one bottle of liquor at a time."

Prime Minister Jean Cabaret says that his government is looking into the possibility of outlawing sobriety. “It’s not a light decision to take,” says PM Cabaret. “We’re going to look into it, we’ll have some studies conducted, and then we’ll act on what the findings are. If sobriety is bad for the economy, than there’s a good chance we’ll have to say no to being sober. If that’s the price of progress, I think the people of Quebec are willing to pay it."

Montreal’s Butt Creek Festival has drawn rave reviews from party goers, many of them calling the event a breath of fresh air. “The Butt Creek Festival is forcing the city’s night life mandarins to reconsider the way they organize events,” says Butt Creek organizer Joe Smorgasvine. “We’re bringing a new aesthetic, a new theory of art, to the party scene that I think other promoters can’t ignore. "

Joe calls his theory of art The Butt Creek Ethos. “Partying is all about sexual gratification,” says Joe. “I’m not saying that people go to parties just to have sex. No, what I mean is that that sexual drives are what make the party scene go round. It’s our urge to merge to which compels us to make music, to host events, to gyrate on dance floors. Thanks to Freud, we know that sex drives have three gears: genital, oral, and anal. Most nightlife scenes in the west overemphasize the importance of genital and oral motivation while minimizing our anal desires. The Butt Creek Festival flips this dynamic on its head, and makes anal pleasure its central motivating force."

The design and structure of the Butt Creek Festival was inspired by the famous scientist Asad Bamali, who published a study last month that showed how anal sex improved human hearing. “After Bamali released his study, I organized a bunch of parties that incorporated this knowledge. I started renting out vibrating butt plugs to party guests to help them really connect with the music, and it worked surprisingly well. Anal penetration increases music appreciation. The thing is though, anal penetration can be dirty. Really, really dirty. After renting out hundreds of butt plugs to anal happy ravers, I realized that a lot of them needed to take much better care of their assholes. That’s why I’ve organized The Butt Creek Festival, the first rave/anal hygiene hybrid event."

The Butt Creek Festival offers guests dozens of anal hygiene therapies. “We’ve got the best bidets in town, we have spa treatments that’ll make your sphincter glow, we even offer anal bleaching services and salad tossing on demand. That’s not all, we also give out the best enemas money can buy. Coffee enemas, mountain dew enemas, regular old enemas. At a Butt Creek Festival, you’re asshole is going to be treated like royalty — and once you’ve cleaned it out, your ears will thank you when you hit the dance floor."
——————————————————————————

Organizers of the former Montreal Anarchist Bookfair are celebrating their new identity after they renamed themselves The Bourgeois Feminist Bookfair. “We realized that we’re not an anarchist collective after all,” says activist and bourgeois neo-liberal feminist Lucy Descharnes. “We don’t care about anarchism, we don’t care about the working class, and we don’t care about economic issues. Our main interest is in protecting the privileges of wealthy university graduates, so we decided to change the name of our organization to better reflect our actual values. We’re bourgeois, we're educated, we're affluent, and we're proud of it."

Anarchists across Montreal say that they’re not surprised by the name change. “I can’t remember the last time the anarchist bookfair actually catered to genuine anarchists,” says working class activist Jesse Hogan. “It’s been a giant bourgeois shit show for the last decade. Last year took the cake, though, after they gave white and affluent academic feminists the power to ban men from attending the event. Seriously, if a wealthy educated feminist didn’t like you, you couldn’t attend. All she had to say was that you made her feel uncomfortable. The organizers justified their actions because they believe that working class men have more power and privilege than bourgeois feminists. I’m not comfortable with bourgeois feminists being anywhere near me, but the bookfair doesn’t care about creating a safe space for the working class. Safe spaces only exist to protect the bourgeoisie from the rabble."

Lucy agrees. “At the end of the day, a wealthy white woman with a Ph.D from Concordia is far more oppressed than a working class man who was born into poverty,” says Lucy. “At the Bourgeois Feminist Bookfair, we believe in intersectional feminism, which is the religious conviction that oppressions intersect in a way that minimizes and erases class privilege. For example, if you’re a poor homeless man, your penis gives you way more privilege than Martha Stewart or Michelle Obama. A homeless man’s male privilege intersects with his poverty, erasing it’s very existence from the face of the earth. Bourgeois feminists recognize that class is irrelevant — it’s the least important factor in oppression. We also believe in the one drop rule: if you have a single drop of non-economic privilege, that privilege erases the economic factors in your life. You’re white? Your class doesn’t matter. You're a man? Your class doesn’t matter. You’re straight? Your class doesn’t matter. The fact that class privilege doesn’t matter to bourgeois feminists is why its possible for us to ban men unilaterally from our events. It’s not all that different from when men in the past were lynched based only on the word of an affluent white woman. I think I speak for everyone that matters when I say that poor men shouldn’t be allowed to challenge rich women. That’s just good common sense.”

Jesse is happy that the bourgeois feminists behind the anarchist bookfair are finally showing their true colours. “I’m ecstatic that they’re admitting that intersectional feminism isn’t about raising people up, but about pushing the working class down,” says Jesse. “Intersectional feminism is a product of our Universities. It wasn’t born in the ghetto. It wasn’t created by working class activists. It’s bourgeois from top to bottom. When someone says they’re an intersectional feminists, what they’re really saying is that they’re enemies of the working class. Feminism is the child of the academy, and it carries with it all the sins of its powerful father. It’s the fruits of a poisoned tree. You can’t fix society with bourgeois solutions. It’s annoying that the people who go on and on about institutional privilege never actually own up to the institutional privilege that their time in University has granted them. Their ideas are not scientific. They’re not the product of falsifiable experiments. They’re the product of bourgeois intellectuals masturbating all over themselves and then using the institutional power of the academy to force the rest of society to treat their mental ejaculate as if it’s divine revelation. Bourgeois feminists have no idea how much anger they’re inspiring among working class people. If they don’t back off, and soon, they’re in for a rude awakening."

Other working class anarchists agree. “Many of us are done dealing with bourgeois feminists,” says Mary Woodhall. “We’re done letting spoiled brats speak down to us. The vast majority of feminists have never done any manual labour in their entire lives, but after they spend a few years fellating the egos of some quack sociologists and pompous philosophers, they think they’ve earned the right to control working class people, to shape their behaviours, to tell them how to live their lives. This isn’t an old problem either, Mikhail Bakunin, one of the founding fathers of Anarchism, explicitly warned anarchists against the perils of academics all the way back in the 1860s. He said that a government of scholars was the most oppressive, offensive, and contemptuous kind in the world. Those were his words. And now today’s anarchists are telling us that we need to mindlessly accept whatever bullshit liberal art graduates defecate all over us? Bakunin explicitly complained about Marx forcing workers to compromise with the radical bourgeoisie. A lot of us anarchists are done compromising with academics. It’s over. They had their chance, and they used it to tell us that working class men are somehow the oppressors of bourgeois feminists. No, I’m sorry, we’re not putting up with that anymore. Feminists are the enemies of the working class. Period. They’ve got a silver tongue and use their rhetoric to convince us they’re our allies, but they are not. They never have been and they never will be."

Lucy says she’s happy that working class anarchists won’t collaborate with the Bourgeois Feminist Bookfair. “Today, 95% of anarchists are bourgeois radicals,” says Lucy. "The working class has been successfully purged from the activist milieux. We are fully in control of radical movements in the west. Working class anarchism is dead. We don’t want the paltry remains of the working class to take part in our events as our equals. The working class are not our equals, they’re our inferiors and must show us the deference that we deserve. When they attend the Bourgeois Feminist Bookfair, they need to grovel before the altar of intersectionality and declare themselves unworthy of its blessings. If they can’t do that, we don’t want to deal with them. Intersectionality akbar!"

Jesse says that bourgeois feminists will live to regret their assault on the working class. “A lot of normal people are starting to wake up to the perils of bourgeois feminism,” says Jesse. “The working class will rise up again, and when we do, we will tear down the Universities and chase out the parasites that call them home. Academics have no place in our revolution. When we take to the streets, it won’t be feminists with university degrees that lead us. We’re going to take anarchism back from them. There’s a growing consensus among working class anarchists: you can’t be an anarchist and a feminist. Feminism was created by the bourgeoisie for the bourgeoisie. In the 1970s, black women created womanism in response to how feminism didn’t address class or race issues. Nothing has changed since then. Feminists are still the enemies of the working class. Feminists are still the enemies of racial minorities. We’ll work with womanists who recognize the failures of intersectional theory, but we will never work with feminists."

Starting October 1st, Montreal bus drivers will be given mandatory vodka shots at the start of their shifts. “It’s part of a new initiative designed to make life more interesting for the people of Montreal,” says mayor Roger Mulcair. “Driving the bus for hours on end can be incredibly dull, and if the bus drivers are bored, their passengers will be bored. Bored passengers means bored workers, and bored workers means less productivity, which leads to less tax revenue. Drunk drivers will have more fun on the road, which oddly enough, means that workers will be more productive. The specifics are fuzzy, but specialists assure me that this is how economics work. Drunk driving is good business."

According to safety expert Denise Felardeau, the days of drinking responsibly are long gone. “Montreal’s current administration is dedicated to making this city more exciting, and one of the ways of doing that is by rejecting the safety-first ethos that has come to dominate so much of Western civilization,” says Denise. “In the years ahead, I expect to see a lot of safety regulations clawed back, as people grow tired of living inside a giant bubble were nothing is dangerous and everything is safe. Human beings crave danger and risk. Encouraging bus drivers to work drunk is just one way to rebalance society. The reign of the safe space will be short lived, as people rebel by embracing reckless risk taking."

Many bus drivers aren’t sure they want to drink vodka before hitting the road. “I think i’d be much happier drinking vodka after my shift ends,” says 45 year old Gerard Jerome. “However, if the government says I have to drive drunk, than I guess I’ll suck it up and take my shots. If I end up running over some pedestrians, don’t blame me."

Mayor Mulcair wouldn’t have it any other way. “Everyone focuses too much on assigning blame,” says Mulcair. “The fact is simple: being alive is dangerous and the survival rate is 0%. We need to come to terms with the fact that living isn’t safe. It will never be safe. Bad things will happen, and that’s okay. By encouraging bad things to happen, we’re telling people that it’s normal to get hurt. That pain isn’t something to avoid, but something we need to embrace. Life is much more fun when you realize it’s supposed to hurt."

Montreal DJ Khalis Calissy has given up on being human and moved to England, where he has joined a goat herd. “People suck,” says Khalis. “I’d rather eat grass and frolic in the mountains with my goat brothers and sisters than spend another agonizing dealing with human beings."

The DJ has long been vocal about his affinity for goats. “Goats are smarter than people, they’re friendlier than people, and they make better lovers than people,” says Khalis. “A goat won’t stab you in the back and cheat on you with your best friend. A goat won’t laugh at you if you have trouble getting it up. A goat won’t question your taste in music or your masculinity. You know what, sometimes my penis doesn’t get erect, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to make fun of me. Goats never judge me the way people do."

Goatologist Siam Blanks says he’s not surprised that Khalis went and joined a goat herd. “It’s one of the weirder trends I’ve noticed over the last five years,” says Siam. "Tons of DJs are cutting ties with humanity to join goat herds. I think techno music is one of those things that really emphasizes how dependent we’ve become on technology. If we don’t balance out our use of technology by getting in touch with nature every once in awhile, eventually our brain breaks and we become goat people. That’s what i think has happened to DJs like Khalis. He focused so much of his time on making beep-hoop-bop music that he forgot how to be a human being."

Not everyone agrees with Siam’s assessment. “Techno is Satan’s music,” says evangelical Christian Brogan McAuley. “That’s why DJs are joining goat herds. They want to be closer to the devil that they serve. The Devil’s human form is half-man, half-goat. DJs, by joining goat herds, hope to impregnate a goat and give birth to Satan. That sounds ridiculous, but please understand, just as Jesus was born of an immaculate conception, so will Satan be born from the love of a man and a goat. The DJs are the devils army, working to bring him into this world."

Khalis doesn’t agree with either Siam or Brogan. “I have sex with goats because they respect me, not because I want to give birth to Satan,” says Khalis. “And I quit society because people suck, not because I was hungry for nature after spending years making techno music. People need to stop over-thinking things."

Exciting research by scientists at the Aural Fixation Institute proves that anal sex can improve hearing. “Our results suggest that it is theoretically possible to treat deafness with a regimen of rectal penetration,” says lead researcher Asad Bamali. “Stimulation of certain glands along the anal wall can trigger the regeneration of cellular pathways associated with hearing. Not only that, but the stimulation also lights up neural pathways associated with hearing and memory formation. We believe that anal sex might also benefit people suffering from alzheimer’s disease."

The ramifications of Dr. Bamali’s work is already bearing fruit in the way some parties are being promoted. “After Bamali released his seminal paper on anal-aural regeneration, we realized that rectal stimulation could intensify the experience of listening to music,” says party promoter Joe Smorgasvine. “We decided to test our theory out by organizing an anal dubstep orgy. We combined sick beats with ass pounding pleasure. The results were out of this world. If you’ve never had your sphincter thoroughly massaged while listening to loud repetitive music, you haven’t really lived."

Many people agree. “I don’t think I ever want to go to a party that doesn’t include someone shoving something up my ass,” says 18 year old Klein Smidt. “Anal stimulation has made a huge difference to the way I listen to music. The more stimulation I get, the better the music sounds. There’s no comparison. Anal sex will help revitalize the rave scene in a way that few people fully appreciate. Soon, all raves will involve anal penetration."

Joe says that he’ll be offering vibrating butt plugs at his next party. “If you’re one of those lonely fat nerds who doesn’t have any friends willing to shove something up your ass, that’s okay, we’ve got your back."

The Montreal Police, with the help of Post-Modern Gender Theorists from Concordia, have embarked on a controversial plan to retool their use of force. Starting in October, the police will have to hand in their guns, which they’ll replace with rubber life sized replicas of Ron Jeremy’s penis.

“Violence is a product of the patriarchy,” says gender neutral SPVM spokesperson Xer Herxenzir. “Women, unlike men, are incapable of violence. There’s never been a violent woman in the entire history of the human race. Violence is a thoroughly masculine creation born in the fiery pits of patriarchal domination. The only way to truly deal with violent crime is by dealing with the patriarchal foundation that enables it. That’s where Ron Jeremy’s penis comes into play."

Gender theorists at Concordia have devised an innovative policing strategy that will erase violence and usher in an era of social harmony. “Theorists at Concordia have surmised, using the help of tea leaves and astrology, that crime is the result of male insecurity,” says faecesiologist Bonita Quinn. "In order for men to turn away from patriarchal forms of aggression, they need to accept their vulnerabilities. Criminals who come face to face with Ron Jeremy’s ample manhood will have to confront their own phallic insecurities. By attacking men with giant dildos, the police will be challenging male criminals to accept their sexual inadequacies. Gender theorists at Concordia believe that police can use Ron Jeremy’s oversized pole to help men come to terms with their low rank on society’s social totem pole. When men learn to accept that they are weak and vulnerable and inadequate, patriarchy will collapse and we will live in Utopia."

The new policing strategy has many people scratching their heads. “Our Universities are run by lunatics, and these lunatics are shaping the social policies which guarantee our safety,” says Henrietta Blank, a 26 year old electrician. “At this point, we’re only a generation or two away from seeing Idiocracy come true. Anyone with half a brain should be stocking up on canned goods and getting ready for society to collapse, because with policies like this being implemented, it’s only a matter of time before everything collapses."

Dancing’s popularity has declined by double digits over the last decade as millennials have embraced an entirely new way of partying: rhythmic self-urination. “Dancing just isn’t popular anymore,” says 34 year old rave promoter Joe Smorgasvine. “It’s considered old and dorky, the new hip way to enjoy a party is by pissing into your own mouth. That’s what all the cool kids are doing."

Teenagers agree, dancing is out, rhythmic self-urination is in. “When I go to a club, it’s all about peeing in my own mouth,” says 18 year old Linda Karter. “Rhythmic self-urination is an intricate art form that requires a lot more skill than dancing. You have to time your movements just right, or you might accidentally miss your face, and that’s a huge social faux pas. There’s nothing less cool than trying to pee in your own mouth, but hitting your shoulder or your collar bone instead. That’s a quick trip to dorksville."

One of the reasons for rhythmic self-urinations explosive popularity is that it highlights sex differences. “Today there’s this huge movement popular with hipster dorks who think that gender is entirely constructed and that men and women aren’t biologically different,” says Linda. “However, you can’t practice rhythmic self-urination without coming face to face with the fact that sexual differences do exist. Male and female rhythmic self-urinators have come up with entirely different ways of performing the art, and these differences have been structured by biological realities that liberal art graduates can’t erase. Men use their penises, while women often uses pee funnels, cups that come in all shapes and sizes and help direct urine flow. Pro-level women don’t even use pee funnels, they’ve become so familiar with the inner workings of their bodies that they can control their pee without using funnels."

Joe Smorgasvine agrees that rhythmic self-urination’s popularity is a backlash against rigid gender policing by academic leftists. “People are tired of being told that women and men are 100% identical and that everything is culturally constructed,” says Joe. “They’re so fed up, that they’ve embraced rhythmic self-urination as a way of saying, no, men and women aren’t the same. We’ll show you by turning urination into a gendered art form where men and women can embrace their differences while accepting the warm golden glow of their own life force."

Linda says rhythmic self-urination isn’t just a lot of fun, it’s also a great way to improve your sex life. “If you get really good at rhythmic self-urination, you’ll have much stronger orgasms,” says Linda. “I think that’s one of the best things about rhythmic self-urination, it’s that if you pay attention to how people are mouth pissing on the dance floor, it’s easy to spot the men and women who have mastered the art of controlling their genitals."

Linda and Joe both believe that rhythmic self-urination isn’t going away anytime soon. “Biology isn’t culturally con structure, but some things are,” says Linda. "What’s cool is a cultural construct. Dancing used to be cool. Now pissing in your own mouth is cool. That’s just the way culture works."

Working class activists are organizing across the country to have Universities renamed. “They’re pussy farms,” says Marcellus Brown, a 38 year old plumber from Cornwall. “Most people who go to University turn into giant, insufferable cunts. University graduates are terrified of everything. If you disagree with them it’s harassment. If you don’t call them by their preferred gender pronoun, it’s rape. If you don’t treat them like delicate, dainty little flowers, it’s violence. We’re releasing a generation of cowardly bubble children into the world. These twenty something toddlers are physically incapable of tolerating even the slightest hint of dissent. They’ve married elitist arrogance with complete helplessness. They’re going to walk the rest of society straight into civil war, because there’s no way working class people are going to tolerate being insulted by a bunch of arrogant, yet terrified, pussies."

Marcellus co-founded the Society of Grown Ass Men to help fight what he calls the infantilization of the west. “At SOGAM, we believe that if Universities insist on turning young minds into helpless pussies, than we should just start calling Universities pussy farms. That’s what they are. A young adult enters University a human being. and graduates an insufferable whiny bitch. It’s astonishing how utterly worthless your average University graduate is these days."

SOGAM is planning to spread anti-academic sentiment across the country. “We’re working with half a dozen party promoters to organize events that are closed to University students,” says Marcellus. "We’re helping to create a new movement that is actively and explicitly hostile towards pussy farm graduates. They need to know that a growing number of people don’t recognize the legitimacy of their degree and that their time in school makes them less worthy of respect, not more."

STEM majors are sounding their own alarm about the calamitous decline in quality that’s hit our Universities. “STEM programs are being dragged down by the utter incompetence of the rest of the academy,” says engineer Luther Ludwiggens. "Not everyone who graduates from University turns into a pussy, just the ones who haven’t studied anything that can make a tangible impact on the world. It’s the humanities and the social sciences that are farming pussies. The STEM world needs to build an iron wall between itself and the rest of the Academy."

Professors specializing in classical studies share the sentiment. “The humanities have fallen a long way from their past glory,” says Dr. Paul Grimace. “In the past, before the new left invaded the academy in the 1970s, a liberal arts education grounded people in our shared human experience. Today, it does the exact opposite. Instead of learning about the awesomeness of human experience in all its majesty, students are learning how to become undignified cry babies who are completely at the mercy of the world. Your average liberal arts graduate is rootless and deracinated. They don’t identify with their society, they don’t belong to their community, and they feel to kinship to the people who have made their schooling possible: the working class stiffs who make society function. Instead, they live on a cloud up in the sky where they look down on normal people with contempt. And if we ever normal people look up at them and challenge their arrogance, these brats start crying about how they’re being harassed. The humanities are dead. We should have built an iron wall between us and the new left idiots back in the sixties. We didn’t, and now Universities have transformed into pussy farms. The STEM programs need to learn from our mistake. If they don’t stop these idiots now, they’ll take over everything. Delegitimizing the humanities by calling their programs pussy farms might help slow down their invasion."

Marcellus believes that the tide is beginning to turn. “University graduates already have a hard enough time being taken seriously,” says Marcellus. “It’s going to get much, much worse in the years ahead. Working class people are fed up. We’re tired of bourgeois students expecting us to bend over backwards to satisfy their inane demands. They academy is teaching them to attack working class people, and we’re going to meet their attacks head on. Their degrees mean nothing to us. Their political beliefs mean nothing to us. Their social values mean nothing to us. If they want to act like pussies, than we’re going to give them a pounding."

Club Gemseins will be hosting Montreal first Sex Toy Swap over the weekend, and encourages all the naughty boys and girls from across the island to drop on by with their bag of goodies. “Come with a dildo, leave with a remote controlled vibrator,” says club owner Mastiff Letough. “Sex toys are fun, but they can get really expensive, which is why we decided to give total strangers the opportunity to share their most intimate gadgets with one another."

Sex toy enthusiast and creepy old man Donald Gédure says he’s really looking forward to sharing his collection of used nipple clamps with people. “They’ve been on my body, and now they can be on yours,” says Donald. “That makes me so hot, and I think it should make you hot too. Sharing is caring, and I want to share my toys with everyone. I can’t wait to attend."

Perverts across Montreal agree, the city’s first sex toy swap is sure to be a smash success. “Oh man, I can’t wait for it!,” says sex toy collector Melissa Gravinger. “It’s a lot like trading pokemon cards, but with more STDs. I wished every day was sex toy swap day. Maybe if it’s really successful, other clubs will copy the event. I’d love it if, every time I went to a party or a club, I’d get new sex toys out of it. It’d make going out a lot more exciting."

The Sex Toy Swap will take place September 12th at Club Gemseins. Naughty attire recommended, but not required.

People across Quebec are saying no to ketamine and yes to tiletamine, a drug that's so awesome, even our government has come out in favour of it. Why bother with ketamine when there's a drug out there that's cheaper, stronger, and more enjoyable?

John Wilkins, the Quebec Minister Of Narcotics, is a huge fan of the wonder drug. “A lot of people think that tiletamine, commonly known as Doggy K, is superior to ketamine,” says John. “Those people are absolutely right. Tiletamine is amazing! Everyone should try it. If you’re an impressionable teenager looking for a good time, you should go out and snort a line or ten.

18 year old narcotics connoisseur Amber Verdun, agrees. “I’ve taken a lot of drugs in my short life,” says Amber, “and none of them have blown me away as much as tiletamine. The first hour or two felt like Justin Bieber was riding me from behind while I gave blow jobs to all the members of One Direction. It was pure hedonic bliss. After that, it just got better. Once the drug finally wore off, all my homework was done, I had a new boyfriend, and there was an extra $10,000 in my bank account. I don’t remember how any of that happened, but it did."

Many people compare taking tiletamine to winning the lottery. “Every tiletamine trip is different,” says drugologist Ed Murphy, “you never know what you’re going to win when you snort a line of doggy K, but one things for sure: you’re going to win something. Maybe it’ll be a new job, maybe it’ll be a new lover, maybe it’ll be a new STD, but it’ll be something. Tiletamine makes life more fantastic. It’s something everyone should try at least once in their lives."

Teachers at high schools across Quebec are so enthusiastic about tiletamine’s potential, that many of them have started handing the drug out to their students. “We believe that students who are high tiletamine outperform those who aren’t,” says Jenny White, a 29 year old teacher at Geronimo High. “That’s why a lot of us are really pushing to get tiletamine into the hands of pupils as fast as possible."

John Wilkins agrees. “I think our government can do a better job of ensuring that our children start this school year with ample access to recreational narcotics,” says John. “It’s our duty as responsible adults to make this happen."

Liberals are going crazy over the latest political trend to hit the conservative world: cuckolding parties. “They are such a blast,” says vegan rights activist Kevin Derlinger. “If you’re a vegan rights activist who has ever fantasized about fucking a conservative right in the mouth, you’ll love their cuckolding parties. You just show up and the conservatives will let you abuse their bodies. You can do everything to them! I once gave a conservative M.P a dirty sanchez. It was great. Conservatives love watching liberals fuck other conservatives. It turns them on."

Conservatives, who are naturally submissive and enjoy being sexually degraded, say that cuckolding parties have really helped their political movement get back in touch with their core beliefs.

Republican strategic Harlin Brogue organized the first conservative cuckold party last spring. “I really wanted to plumb the depths of conservative irrelevance,” says Harlin. “We’ve been ceding moral ground to the left for decades now, and I think at this point,
we should just accept the fact that conservatives have always had a thing for being publicly abused and degraded. We might as well accept who we are and embrace our true nature publicly. We should just bend over and let everyone have their way with us."

Harlin says his cuckolding parties will help conservatives come to grips with their total and utter worthlessness. “At a conservative cuckold party, we get to cheer on as liberals literally fuck us in the face. We just sit there and watch as our right wing allies and friends are sodomized and beaten by progressives. When you abolish your need for self-respect and a sense of dignity, you open yourself up to an entirely new world of sexual possibilities. We might as well enjoy ourselves if we’re going to let the left walk all over us."

Some conservatives are concerned by the rise of political cuckolding. “I admit that conservatives do have a thin for public humiliation,” says Republican Senator Vidya Jones. “but instead of celebrating the fact that we enjoy being insulted and abused by liberals, maybe we should work on our self-respect. I think letting our political opponents exploit us sexually isn’t the healthiest thing for us to do."

Harlin disagrees. “The future belongs to progressives, and it’s our duty as submissive conservatives to bend over and obey our social betters,” says Harlin. “Basically, being a conservative today is not all that different than being in a 24/7 BDSM relationship. Liberals are our Gorean sex masters. We are their bitches, gagged and bound for their personal pleasure. We will all be so much happier once we recognize that, deep down, we’re meant to be the sexual playthings of progressive Doms. Conservatives are natural sex slaves that god designed for the pleasure of liberals. We have to embrace that truth, otherwise we’ll never find inner peace."

The Grey Tooth Clan, a gang of ferocious octogenarians, has declared war on ravers and has vowed to hunt down every last raver in Montreal. “This summer, the streets of our city will flow with the blood of the young,” says Ednith Wainright, the 84 years old spokeswoman for the Grey Tooth Clan. “We will not rest until we have beaten some musical taste into our progeny. The days of beep-hoop-bop music parties are over. We want melodies and we want them now!"

Ravers say they’re running scared now that the elderly have declared war on them. “The last party I played at, a dozen raging grannies showed up and started pelting everyone with rocks and broken shards of glass,” says DJ Tesjeune. “I’m scared that they’re aggression will escalate. Today, it’s rocks and glass, tomorrow though? What’s stopping them from gunning us down with AK-47s?"

Ednith is happy that her gang is filling the hearts of party goers with fear. “I want them to remember the day they bought their first MP3 from iTunes,” says Ednith. “I want them to regret the first time they danced to Skrillex. I want them to live their lives knowing that their taste in music means they will never know safety. We may be old, but we will rock and roll all over their delicate young asses."

The police say they won’t interfere in this musical turf war. “Every decade or two, musical scenes in Montreal wage all out war against each other,” says Sgt. Bertrand Russell of the SPVM. “Ten years ago, it was the Swing Dancers versus the Banjo Enthusiasts. This time around, it’s the Golden Oldies versus the Party Freaks. Sure, a few people will die, but so long as the violence doesn’t affect the lives of normal, well adjusted Montrealers, we don’t really care."

DJ Tesjeune is angry that the police won’t put a stop to the Grey Tooth Clan. “It’s obvious that the police are hoping that these elderly barbarians will kill as many ravers as they can,” says DJ Tesjeune. “The police want us to disappear from Montreal, but they don’t have the balls to kill us themselves, so they’re just going to let these old folks do it for them. Well, ravers never say die. We’ll fight back and we’ll win. The rave wars are here and we don’t plan on losing. Techno über alles.

A new dating craze has hit Montreal and experts believe it will revolutionize the way people fall in love. “Meth dating is here and it’s kicking speed dating to the curb,” says love coach Diana Biggles. “I’ve been helping lonely people find love for decades, and nothing has ever worked as well as this new drug infused dating method. Crystal meth makes falling in love crystal clear."

The origins of meth dating are shrouded in mystery, though the practice itself is fairly straight forward. “A meth date is when two strangers meet in abandoned alleyway and smoke crystal meth,” says Diana. “That’s all there is to it, really. It’s as simple as that. Just drag a stranger into an alleyway and smoke meth with them. Boom. You’ve got yourself a new lover to share your life with."

Katie Vanderbeek met her husband Wallace Gauthier on a meth date. “I was walking down St-Denis when I walked by this dank, dark alley that Wallace was hanging out in. The moment he noticed me, he popped his head out of the alley and asked me in a husky voice if I’d like to smoke some meth with him. I said sure and two weeks later we were married."

Katie and Wallace aren’t the only meth dating success story. “Every day, dozens of people across Montreal meet their life partners after smoking crystal meth in an alleyway,” says Diana. “It’s the fastest and easiest way to fall in love with someone. If you’re lonely and desperate, I’d really recommend contacting your local Walter White, then hanging out in an alley somewhere. Anytime an attractive person walks by you, let them know you’ve got some meth you’d like to share with them. Sooner or later, someone will take you up on your offer, and the next thing you know, you’ll have someone to share the rest of your life with. This dating method works like magic."

Montreal Police are warning citizens to be careful while walking out late at night. “In recent years, teenagers have begun throwing hit & run parties,” says Sgt. Drake Teralta of the SPVM. “These parties consist of convoys of young men in expensive vehicles trolling the city looking for people to run over. I should point out that the young men are using cars their parents bought for them. These are ruthless, spoiled brats with an insatiable appetite for carnage."

Over a dozen victims have been hospitalized over the last month. “Hit and run parties are more popular during the summer, when the children of the rich have more opportunities to show the world that they’re worthless vermin that deserve to be exterminated,” says Sgt. Teralta. “I can only hope that Quebec experiences a revolution in the decade ahead, so that we can finally execute all the horrible wealthy brats in Montreal. If you drive around in your daddy’s red convertible looking for people to hit with it, your neck deserves a date with a guillotine."

Many Montrealers agree. “Oh man, the suburbs are just horrible,” says Diedra Collis, a plumber who moved to Kirkland decades ago, back before it was invaded by millionaires. “The children in Kirkland are beyond spoiled. I think anyone who is under 30 and lives there deserves what they get once our economy implodes and the working class decides to eat the rich. Walk around Kirkland late at night, and some rich brat will try to run you over, guaranteed. The police don’t do anything, because rich people don’t have to follow the law like everyone else."

Sgt. Teralta agrees. “I hate the spoiled brats who live in Kirkland as much as the next person, but my hands are tied. Their parents have money, and that means we can’t do anything to them. Orders from up on high: the law is only there to police the little people."

Diedra says she’s hoping the revolution comes soon.

“It’s not only Kirkland that’s suffering from these little tyrants. The entire city is living under the thumb of the rich. They have absolutely no empathy. They don’t care. They think trying to hit people with their cars is funny. You know what I think is going to be funny? The day they wake up and find an angry mob at their front door. If the rich don’t start policing their children, they will have no one to blame but themselves when the people rise up against them and start chopping off their heads."

Sgt. Teralta says that if rich people don’t start reigning in their kids, it’s only a matter of time before a class war erupts. “It’s not just that rich people have no empathy, it’s that they are also incredibly stupid,” says Sgt. Teralta. “You don’t keep poking a bear with a stick and not expect it to lash back. If the rich let their children organize hit & run parties, than the rich deserve to see their children die at the hands of a violent mob. And when that happens, we’re going to sit back and let it happen."

The paediatric world is in turmoil over a controversial new parenting technique that’s pitting doctor against doctor: is raving good for children? On the one hand, studies have been piling up advocating the health benefits of EDM Parenting Techniques, on the other hand are old school doctors who claim that the science behind the studies is bogus.

“EDM Parenting Techniques pose a real threat to the health and wellbeing of children,” says Dr. Kyle Renner. “The techniques, if you can even call them that, are beyond the pale. They basically encourage nine year olds to drop LSD and dance to Skrillex. What does that have to do with parenting?"

Everything, claims EDM Parenting Techniques enthusiasts. “In the late 1990s, my friends and I developed a whole set of practices that made raving kid friendly,” says EDM Parenting Techniques founder Lucy Lumine. “We were so happy to see how well our children responded to the raving lifestyle."

In the late 1990s, countless young women were knocked up during drug fuelled encounters with fun fur wearing men. These women struggled with parenthood. They wanted to rave to the grave, but they didn’t want to be bad mothers, either. That’s when they made a compromise: they’d raise their babies to be ravers.

Scientists were intrigued by rumours of the EDM Parenting Techniques success, and began studying Lumine’s methods in earnest. “We thought that giving toddler’s cocaine and encouraging them to dance all night would be bad for them,” says child psychologist Erik Berrington, “but our studies showed the opposite. Cocaine and all-night dance parties aren’t bad for children, they’re good for them. Really, really good. I don’t think it’s much of a stretch to say that not bringing your kid to a rave is a form of child abuse. It’s on par with not feeding them. Kids need hard drugs and loud music in order to grow into healthy, well adjusted adults."

Dr. Renner disagrees. “I swear, our Universities are increasingly worthless. If Mr. Berrington has a Ph.D, that tells us something about how credible Ph.Ds are. I hope parents are smart enough to realize that not all scientists are created equally. Some of them are frauds and if you follow their advice, you’ll live to regret it."

A brown bear broke out of its cage at a nature themed party on Saturday, mauling several young adults who are now in critical condition. Police arrested promoter Todd Biddleman on charges of animal cruelty.

This isn’t the first time Mr. Biddleman has been arrested on rave related charges. The promoter is notorious for organizing dangerous parties. His latest event, The Bare Your Booty To Bears Party, took place at a farm on the outskirts of Montreal. Mr. Biddleman had procured half a dozen bears, which he had locked in cages for the event.

“The idea was to party hard with a bunch of bears,” says party goer Melissa Catharsis. “And for the first hour, it was a lot of fun, but the bears became increasingly agitated. They were growling at the ravers incessantly from inside their cage, and pawing hard against the walls of their iron prisons . They didn’t look happy at all about being stuck in a room full of hipsters dancing to loud music."

Police say that one of the cages hadn't been properly secured. “One of the bears managed to free itself,” says Sgt. Robert Teralta of the SPVM. “Once the bear was loose, it began mauling ravers left and right."

Bear-on-raver violence isn’t unheard of, says animologist Turin Shard . “It’s a little known fact, but bears have been preying on ravers ever since the first DJ dropped a beat decades ago. Bears love to feast on the flesh of EDM fans. They can’t help it — bears are genetically hardwired to prey on techno enthusiasts. I don’t think this incident was an accident. I think Todd Biddleman knew what he was doing. He realized that one of these bears would break out and kill people. It’s a case of murder-by-bear."

Todd denies the charge. “I just thought it’d be funny if my party took place in a room full of caged bears,” says Todd. “If i had known that those beasts craved raver meat, I never would have thrown my Bare Your Booty To Bears party. I’m guilty of being stupid and irresponsible, but that’s it."

John Feinbaum, president of the Canadian Centre For Humane Science, kicked up a hornet’s nest yesterday at a charity gala when he suggested it was time to reconsider the morality of human testing.

“I stand by what I said,” says John. "I believe that medical research would grow by leaps and bounds if we eradicated certain legal restrictions on human testing. I don’t think we should experiment on everyone, just people who don’t contribute anything to society. Namely criminals, the children of the rich and famous, and ravers."

John says that if experimenting on certain people was made legal, we could have a cure for aids within a decade. “Imagine how much more we could learn about aids if we were allowed to experiment on ravers with impunity? We could inject them with aids and then engage in all manners of experiments that are currently off-limits to scientists. Ravers are worthless as human beings, but their biology is priceless."

Ethicists agree that experimenting on ravers, criminals, and the children of the rich and famous is a morally sound idea. “Not all human beings are created equally,” says moral philosopher Andrew Weaver. “Some people are worth far less than others, and ravers, criminals, and the children of the rich and famous are at the very bottom of the totem pole of human worth. I think it’s okay to sacrifice a few worthless people if it means saving the lives of countless worthy people."

Politicians, for their part, are now considering relaxing ethical restraints on medical experimentation. “Mr. Feinbaum believes that we should be free to experiment on certain classes of people,” says Green Democracy M.P John Goebbels, “however, his categories need to be broadened so that they include white cis hetero men, who are the scum of the earth and deserve to be eradicated. Intersectionality akbar!"

John says that he is open to creating a larger category of socially worthless people. “I think Mr. Goebbels and I can both agree on at least one thing,” says John, “and that’s that University graduates have a responsibility to decide who should be sacrificed to medical science and who shouldn’t. We can work out the details later."

According to a new study released by researchers at McGale University, the Montreal suburb of Kirkland has the largest concentration of assholes in Canada. “Kirkland is a magnet for assholes,” says lead researcher Veri Thé. “85% of people who live in Kirkland are terrible human beings. That number jumps to 99.5% once you include people who moved to the suburb within the last decade. If you ever want to meet empty headed, vicious, incompetent, morally bankrupt jerks, you should move to Kirkland. It’s a total shit hole."

Kirkland Mayor Gary Gozwell disagrees. “Sure, the people of Kirkland don’t care if rich spoiled brats try to run people over,” says Gary. “But that’s because they’re rich! They should be allowed to run over the peasants. And yes, it’s true that most of the millionaires who move to Kirkland are parasites who earned their money by either inheriting it or by exploiting the labour of others. That’s true, we don’t have many innovators in Kirkland, or people who genuinely add value to society by inventing new things and building new products. Yes, most of our citizens are mediocre, and yes, they’re incredibly entitled. Sure, they’re incapable of empathy and compassion. All of these things are true. But are they assholes? Absolutely not. Assholes create shit, and the people of Kirkland don’t create anything. They can’t be assholes."

Veri disagrees. “The only thing the people of Kirkland create is shit,” says Veri. “When you get down to it, Kirkland is Ontario’s Australia. It’s where Ontario sends all their awful people."

Ontario Premiere Beatrice Kennings doesn’t deny it. “It’s Ontario's official policy to use Montreal’s West Island as a penal colony for our most obnoxious citizens,” says Beatrice, “Suck it, Quebec! Enjoy all our assholes! Especially you Kirkland, you suck."

Mayor Gozwell says he’ll be organizing a “Kirkland: We’re Not Jerks!” party on August 28th to help counter-act his city’s terrible reputation. “The party will have champagne and caviar on hand, and there will be activities for the kids, such as the perennially popular pelt-the-poor-with-rocks game."

Y chromosome carriers are snipping off their naughty bits as men as men across America go crazy for gelding. “Cutting off your penis is all the rage these days,” says professional Twitter activist Gary Ludwig. “Progressive men understand that masculinity is toxic through and through, and so the only way to escape the inherent sinfulness of being male is by rejecting masculinity in its entirety. In order to be a good male, you’ve got to say goodbye to your penis."

Professor Namor Klein of Condoria University partially agrees. “Anyone who has ever taken a liberal arts class knows that men are intrinsically worthless,” says Namor. “When a man cuts off his penis, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s still a tyrannical oppressor who deserves to be held in contempt for all eternity. It does, however, show us that he knows he is intrinsically awful. That’s a step in the right direction. The world would be much better off if he simply died, but beggars can’t be choosers. Progressive men gelding themselves isn’t the wholesale slaughter of the male gender, but I’ll take what I can get."

Men who graduate from University are embracing self-hatred in ever increasing numbers. “The men at McGale university have begun organizing Snip-It Parties,” says student activist and self-professed misandrist Leah Lyotard. “In order to atone for the sin being men, they invite feminists over to cut off their penises. There’s usually a DJ in the back playing some dubstep while the scissor action is going on. Afterwards, once all the penises are tossed into the garbage, everyone starts dancing."

Not all feminists are happy about Snip-It Parties. “Why should we have to cut off their penises?” asks journalist Binda East. “Men always expect women to do everything for them. Oh sure, now you want us to forgive you for being male by having us cut off your penis? No, I’m sorry, that’s just not good enough. You don’t get forgiveness. You’re the oppressor! We hate you and we’ll always hate you. Nothing you do, not even grovelling before us on your knees while we dismember your manhood, will quell our hatred."

Young men under thirty agree. “Ugh, men are terrible,” says 24 year old culture studies graduate Tiberius Klint. “That’s why I cut off my penis and fed it to pigeons months ago. Thanks to my time in University, I realized that I’ll never be anything but an awful agent of oppression. My opinion is worthless, my experiences insignificant, my feelings irrelevant. I’m happy that bourgeois university educated feminists have taught me about my intrinsic sinfulness. I’ve now dedicated my life to evangelizing poor men, letting them know the gospel according to liberal art graduates. Praise Be Unto Gender Studies, Amen."

Montreal parents are angry with the Upper Fallworth School Board after local schools began offering 3rd grade students classes on BDSM.

“Parents across Montreal must learn that the world has changed,” says school board president Christina Lake. “In order to ensure that people of all sexual proclivities and orientations are respected in our society, we’ve decided that it was necessary to teach our children about safe bondage practices. We need our children to know that it’s okay if they like being beaten with whips. It’s okay if their goal in life is to become someone’s naked butler. The sooner we teach our children to accept that their desires are natural and healthy, the sooner we’ll be able to live in a society where everyone is treated with respect and consideration."

Many parents disagree. “What the hell is wrong with the people running our school boards?” asks Tracy Hubertville. “ Our schools have gone off the deep end. In Ontario, you have teachers teaching little kids to hate themselves based on the colour of their skin through poorly conceived white privilege seminars. Over in Iowa, you have teachers organizing anal strap-on classes and salad tossing courses for middle school students. And in Montreal, they’re teaching 9 year olds how to act out fantasies from 50 Shades of Grey. It’s insane. Our teachers are stupid and our Universities are run by lunatics. They’re raising an entire generation of self-hating imbeciles."

Christina disagrees. “There is nothing wrong with teaching middle school students how to toss salad,” says Christina. “There’s nothing wrong with teaching 9 year olds how to safely use a ball gag. There’s nothing wrong with teaching children that they should be ashamed of themselves if they’re white. The only thing that’s wrong is that regressive, conservative parents refuse to recognize the moral superiority of educators, who are their social betters in every way. The crazy people aren’t the ones running our schools, the crazy ones are the parents who don’t want their children to learn how to lick assholes. "

People across Montreal are whispering in hush tones about a new, neon haired menace that’s prowling the streets, terrorizing citizens with politically motivated violence. “If you make an off colour joke and one of the Neon Haired Cultists hear you, you better run,” says videographer Graham Moulin. “I made a joke about women drivers the other day, and a minute later, a green haired man wielding an axe was chasing after me."

The Neon Haired Cult is everywhere according to Sgt. Gregg Green of the SPVM. “ There’s nowhere you can run. There’s nowhere you can hide. The cult has infiltrated Montreal at all levels,” says Sgt. Gregg. “They already have full control of our schools. They own the media. They have colonized Montreal, and there’s nothing we can do about it."

The cultists got their name from the fact that every single member has bright fluorescent hair. “They’re overwhelmingly white, educated, and wealthy,” says cult expert Fiona Pair. “They dye their hair bright neon colours because it signals to the rest of society that they’re rich enough that they don’t need to care about their appearance. They’ve adopted social justice rhetoric in order to camouflage the fact that they’re affluent members of the bourgeoisie waging a class war against workers and poor people."

Many Montrealers are terrified of the cultists ever growing reach. “You can’t throw a party now without getting their permission or approval,” says promoter Chad Badwig. “If you do throw an event that they don’t control, and they don’t feel that your party is completely obedient to their political message, they’ll declare war on you."

Not everyone is afraid of the Neon Haired Cult, though. “The key to fighting these cultists is to mock them relentlessly,” says ex-cult member Henrietta Bleak. “In the end, the only monopoly they have is over the two institutions which confer credibility and legitimacy in our society: the media & the academy. If you start living your life in a way that rejects both of those institutions, the cultists can’t touch you. "

The cultists are members of what Henrietta calls the clerisy. “The clerisy are credentialed rent seekers who don’t add value to society, instead they extract money from people through political intimidation and the skilful manipulation of the academy and the media. They’re effectively gate keepers to popularity, and they make their livings by forcing people to pay them for access to social legitimacy. The thing is, people are increasingly rejecting the legitimacy of both the media and our educational system. Eventually, the empire that the clerisy rules over will topple. They’re not as strong as they look. Laugh at them. If an axe wielding green haired freak chases after because you made a joke about Caitlyn Jenner, stand your ground."

Chad agrees. “The easiest way to disarm an axe wielding cultist is to laugh at him,” says Chad. “The cultists are weak against humour. Laugh at them, and they crumple up into a despondent blob of hurt feelings."

Police arrested five ravers on charges of cannibalism after they devoured an obnoxious rich kid at a party on Saturday. “Apparently, the victim was using his father’s wealth as a way to insult the people around him,” says Sgt. Jenn Teralta of the SPVM. “Some of the ravers started arguing with him, telling him he was being obnoxious and rude. He called them dirty peasants, which is when one of the ravers started screaming that the poor should eat the rich."

Another raver, Clemence Brown, heard the battle cry and took it literally. “Clemence was high on LSD,” says party promoter Serah Smith. “He got really agitated at the rich kid, and bit him right in the neck. He just chowed down on the kid like he was roast beef sandwhich."

Once blood was drawn, the other ravers soon joined in. “Within seconds, a group of ravers were eating that kid. It was like they were all psytrance zombies,” says Serah. “It was horrifying. The rich kid was screaming and screaming, but they just kept eating him. Several of us tried to stop them, but the cannibal ravers growled at us and starting attacking us. It was like they had turned into ferocious wild animals. By the time we managed to pull them off of him, he was already dead."

Police say that this isn’t the first incident of cannibal ravers and it won’t be the last, either. “Ravers often revert to a feral state when under pressure,” says Sgt. Teralta. “It’s important that people realize this. If you threaten or antagonize a raver long enough, they might try to eat you. You don’t have to be rich to be raver food, you just have to be obnoxious."

Serah agrees. “I’ve been to nearly two hundred parties in my life, and while raver cannibalism isn’t common, I’ve seen it happen more than once. Ravers take their partying seriously. Diss the vibe, and you’ll be lucky to stay alive."

Blue state American males have declared war on BBQs, claiming that they are instruments of the patriarchy and must be abolished. “Women will never know equality so long as men enjoy grilling meat,” says aristocratic journalist Richard Von Smidt the 3rd. “Men should know that the pleasure they derive from BBQs is built on the oppression of women. The fact that grilling meat is considered a masculine activity means that it’s oppressive and must be abolished."

Many Canadians agree. “BBQs are manly, and manly is evil” says Condoria University Professor Molly Rosewald, “It’s time for Canada to say no to grilling meat. I call on the Canadian government to pass a law that mandates that all BBQs be replaced with either chocolate fondues or eating a woman’s placenta while howling at the moon. Both of those are suitably feminine activities that will help purify Canada of the patriarchy."

Montreal’s Angel Park used to be home to countless outdoor BBQs, but these days men who grill meat in public will likely find themselves pilloried by angry mobs of twitter users. “If I see someone grilling in public, I alert my twitter followers and we organize a flash mob to shame the grillers into leaving the park,” says human rights activist Pearl Neglass. “We need to reclaim our parks from those who would sully it with masculine activities. Down with BBQs! Down with grilling meat! Kill all men!"

Not everyone is on board with banning BBQs. “I don’t know what the hell happened over the last couple of years, but suddenly everyone’s lost their mind,” says BBQ aficionado and meat lover Clay Texan. “I like grilling meat. I like BBQs. I like doing manly things. And yet all these emasculated twerps from Massachusetts and New York and San Francisco are defecating all over the internet with their silly nonsense. Oh, BBQs are sexist. Buzz off. BBQs are awesome, everyone can enjoy them, and men who like grilling don’t have to feel guilty about it, no matter what the smug pricks with English Lit degrees from Harvard, Yale, or Cornell say."

Montreal’s Isoronery Applications, a software studio based in St-Henri, is making headlines around the world with the release of it's BangARaver app, a piece of software that helps rich men find poor ravers to bang.

“Most ravers are incredibly slutty," says Isoronery president Carl Gustav, "and we decided, well, if they're going to slut it up, they might as well get paid for it. If you’re going to get laid, you might as well get paid. That’s our motto. We put the money in ‘Sex & Money’."

Gustav says his ap is Uber for slutty ravers. "You just tap in your location, choose a nearby raver, and twenty minutes later, they’ll be jumping on your pogo stick. Men and women, fat or skinny, drugged out or drug free. You can choose your preferences before you make your order."

Ravers are raving about the application. "Man, I don't need to get a job anymore," says Curtis Jamestown. "Now I can easily make bank thanks to Bang-a-Raver. Isoronery just changed my life. I was living off of ramen noodles until I got this application, but now that I'm fellating the ruling class, I can afford to buy canned ravioli and chicken nuggets. I feel like royalty."

Johns also have high praise for the bang-a-raver app. "Isoronery just created the killer sex-app. Once they broaden their application to include people who aren't strung out meth heads who listen to EDM, they are going to become a billion dollar company. They just made getting a hooker as easy as tapping a couple of buttons on your phone. It's brilliant."

Montreal golfers are seeing red after ravers turned several city golf courses into make shift toilets. “Every single golf hole at Notre Dame's Great Green Course had raver faeces in it,” says groundskeeper Wilson Hogue. “Every. Damn. Hole. And I know it’s ravers who did it, because we have them on film crouching over those holes."

Apparently ravers across the city are sneaking on to golf courses late at night to throw dance parties. At the end of the event, the ravers scatter across the course and defecate in as many golf holes as they can find.

“I have no idea why they’re doing it. I mean, what possesses people to organize an event that ends with shitting in a golf hole?"

William says he’s happy that the ravers aren’t damaging the fairway, but he still finds having to clean up raver shit unpleasant. “I think it’s annoying that part of my job now involves cleaning up after ravers. It’s not like it’s the millionaires who play golf who down there cleaning up those holes. No, it’s me."

William isn’t the only groundskeeper that’s had to sully his hands with raver feces. “Every single golf course in Montreal has been hit by defecating vandals,” says golf enthusiast Michelle Brown. “I’m not even sure how they’ve managed to elude being captured. These ravers are dedicated. They’re well organized. They take shitting on golf courses very seriously. Imagine what they could accomplish if they spent all their time on something constructive instead of on these weird guerrilla poop parties?"

Teenagers are going crazy for dungeon furry parties, events where guests dress up as furry critters before being locked inside cages. “It’s BDSM for people under 20,” says Dungeon Furry promoter Ickle Smith. “We make kink adorable. We make it cuddly. When we violate each other, we do it My Little Pony style."

Teenagers say they can’t get enough of the dungeon furry events. “I love being dressed as a dragon and then abused by a Dominant boy in a chipmunk outfit,” says 18 year old Rinata Chretien. “Have you ever had a chipmunk put a ballgag in your mouth before spanking you with a giant paddle? I have and it felt like heaven."

Not everyone is thrilled by the idea of teenagers engaging in light BDSM while dressed up as unicorns and sea otters, but nearly everyone agrees that it’s not a big deal. “My son like’s to be whipped while dressed like an armadillo,” says local man Marcus Brand. “I’m okay with that. I’m a modern father, living in modern times. If my son wants to have a dragon masturbate all over his face while he makes squealing noises, more power to him. I think he should post videos of it online, on instagram and on twitter. He should even include links to his furry porn on his resumé. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s something we should celebrate. Hell, it’s something we should shove in everyone’s faces until they’re sick and tired of hearing about all the weird ass shit we’re into."

Rinata agrees. “Sex is no longer about having fun, now it’s all about social prestige. The weirder your sexual activities, the cooler you are. I once shoved a live cat up my anus while someone slapped my breasts with a ping pong paddle. Was that sexy? Not at all. Was it enjoyable? Absolutely not. But did it make me look cool in front of all my friends? You bet it did."

Rinata says that dungeon furry parties are a way for kids her age to fully enjoy the pleasures of peer pressure. “The more outrageous and ridiculous our sexual adventures, the better. Dungeon Furry Parties for Life."

Montreal event organizers are going forward with their controversial plan to replace porta-potties with communal piss buckets. “It’s more than just a cost saving measure,” says promoter Ian Smith, “it’s also a more environmental solution. Instead of hiring dozens of trucks to lug around those giant blue monstrosities to and from our events, we’re just going to put out some buckets that people can piss and shit in when the urge strikes them."

Piss buckets have become increasingly common at parties across North America ever since San Francisco’s Frozen Guy festival banned porta potties. “Our ancestors did it in the bush, why should we do it in a damn porta pottie,” says Frozen Guy festival organizer Gregg Gong. “Porta potties are for the bourgeois. Real men and women use buckets.”

Not everyone is warming up the idea of using piss buckets. “I don’t want to piss in front of a bunch of strangers,” says Harry Connor. “Not unless I’m getting paid for it anyway."

Other partiers agree. “It’s degrading. When I go to events and I see a bucket of urine and faeces next to the dance floor, it makes me feel like a farm animal."

Ian says that’s the point. “We’re all animals. We’re monkeys and apes. Let’s stop pretending to be something we’re not. We all piss and shit. Every last one of us. Does it really matter if we do it in public? No. There’s no difference between laying a deuce in front of strangers and laying one behind a door. Get over yourself and embrace the bucket. The bucket is a symbol of freedom. Liberate yourself from shame. Embrace your animal side."

The city of Kingston will soon celebrate the grand opening of The Dirty Moose, Canada’s first moose brothel. Residents have been preparing for the big day. “It’s going to be great,” says Kingston Mayor Barry Pericles. “The Dirty Moose is bound to become a huge tourist attraction. We’re expecting to see hundreds of millions of tourist dollars flow into city coffers as a result of this one-of-a-kind establishment. Kingston will be the only place in the world where people can pay to have sex with a moose."

The Dirty Moose is the brainchild of Edgar Pendelsmidt, the enfant terrible of the brothel world. “I like to create unique brothels, the kind where sex is elevated into an art form, something unique and one of a kind,” says Edgar. “It’s not about parking your piece in a hole or about having your holes filled, it’s about transcending cultural norms and experiencing pleasure in a way you never thought possible. That’s my inspiration behind the moose brothel."

Most people don’t spend much time contemplating moose sex, but Edgar believes that the very existence of the moose brothel will change that. “The moment someone hears about the moose brothel for the first time, they can’t help but picture themselves straddling a giant moose and making love to it. Maybe delicately. Maybe violently. But they’re definitely thinking about it. And then, when curiosity gets the better of them, they’ll travel to Kingston and make love with one of our majestic Canadian beauties."

Edgar says that people can even eat the moose after they sleep with them. “Yes, we’re a full service moose brothel. Sleep with what you eat, that’s our motto."

A recent study by the Real Statistics Foundation revealed that modern party goers spend over 65% of their time at events staring at their phone, a number that has alarmed event organizer like Erik Hogan. “Some people spend more time staring at their damn phones than they do dancing,” says Erik. “It’s a disgrace. In some ways, cell phones have destroyed the party scene. You can’t get away from technology anymore. It follows us everywhere."

The fact that people can no longer escape technology inspired Erik to launch a one of a kind party where people need to have their eyes on their phones at all times, otherwise they’ll be kicked out by bouncers. “I’ve lined up the best DJs in Montreal, and I even have a huge surprise act flying in from Germany. I’m going all out. I want this event to have the best music you’ve ever heard, and then I want to make it impossible for you to enjoy it. I’m hoping that by making it mandatory for people to stare at their phones at this event, they’ll realize how obnoxious phones are at parties. If you can’t leave your phone in your pocket at an event, leave it at home."

Not everyone agrees with Erik’s criticisms. “Man, Erik is such an old fart,” says 18 year old neo-raver Gary Von. “He needs to get with the times. Phone’s aren’t just a piece of technology, they’re also a piece of us now. They’re part of who we are. Of course we’re going to spend our time staring at them while we’re out partying. It’s how we interact with reality now — through the eyes of cellphones made by poor people in China."

The Hold Your Phone party takes place August 27th at the Tamaman Dance Hall.

Take enough MDMA, and you’ll come face to face with a comedown that feels like a kick in the teeth, the kind that leaves you feeling as if your entire life is a joke without a punchline. Frequent MDMA users often keep a supply of 5HTP handy to help their brains get back to normal after a trip, but thanks to a new study by researchers at McGale University, 5HTP might no longer be necessary.

“Our study reveals that the serotonin levels of MDMA users recover faster when they swallow semen as opposed to 5HTP pills,” says lead researcher Dr. Gunthrap Gannon. “If you’re an active drug users and you want to ensure that your high isn’t followed by a very deep low, our recommendation is that on nights when you take a lot of drugs, make sure to swallow a mouth full of semen before going to bed. You’ll wake up feeling like a million dollars."

Montreal MDMA dealers have been quick to capitalize on this new study. “I now offer all my customers medicinal semen with their drugs,” says narcotics peddler Henry Beauville. “I not only offer my customers jarred medicinal semen but they can also suck it right out from the source. In order to keep my customers coming back, I want to ensure that they enjoy their drug highs. Offering medicinal semen to my customers has made a huge difference in terms of their satisfaction levels. "

Mary Fincklehorn agrees. “I’ve been buying from Henry for ages,” says Mary. “And I swear, ever since he started offering fresh organic medicinal semen with his MDMA, I’ve been enjoying his MDMA so much more. Now I can’t imagine taking MDMA without ending my night with a mouth full of healthy medicinal semen. It’s made such a huge difference to the way I party. I no longer have to spend days recovering every time I roll anymore, it’s fantastic."

Marcel Leroux, a 24 year old pet food taster, fell to his death yesterday after tripping over a passed out drug addict at Club Gemseins. The club is located in the old port in an old stone building that’s been around since the city was first settled several hundred years ago.

“Some guy was passed out drunk beneath the window,” says bartender Jed Simms, “and Marcel didn’t see him. He walked right over him like he wasn’t there, he lost his balance, and then crashed right through the window like a cartoon character. Except when he landed on the ground, he didn’t get back up. He just died. All the hours I spent watching Saturday Morning cartoons were a lie. The truth is, if you fall out a window after tripping over a drunk person, you’re life is over. Literally."

Experts agree. “I’ve spent my entire life studying the science of falling to your death after tripping over drunk people,” says drunkologist Peter Schmidt. “The fact is, tripping over drunk people can be lethal. A surprising amount of people die ever year as a result of tripping over drunks. Over in Germany, they passed a law that made tripping over drunk people illegal. That’s how serious it is. Of course they make laws against everything in Germany. They even have one that says it’s illegal to make commercials that feature women smiling in kitchens. Germans are crazy, but they’re right about tripping over drunk people. It’s dangerous, and since it’s dangerous, it should be illegal."

Marcel’s funeral will take place August 2nd at Cathedral Checktonstep.

Montreal’s nightlife has been languishing for nearly a decade now. There isn’t a week that goes by without a club shuttering it’s doors or a rave promoter getting carted off to jail for indecent exposure.

The sorry state of this city’s party scene has lead to the creation of a new organization, The League of Concerned Party People. The LCPP have spent the last two years trying to figure out how to save Montreal’s nightlife, and they believe they have the answer.

“Wrench fighting will fix everything,” says LCPP founder Gerald Christie. “We’ve discovered that cities where young men engage in brutal acts of violence towards one another are statistically more likely to have kick-ass party scenes. We've started organizing wrench fighting clubs because Montreal's party scene will only improve once it becomes more dangerous."

Wrench fighting clubs are like boxing clubs, but with wrenches. “We put two people in a ring, we arm them with wrenches, and then we let them beat the shit out of each other,” says Gerald. “It’s exactly like boxing, except without any of the rules. Or safety precautions. And people use wrenches instead of fists. But other than that, it’s exactly the same thing."

Gerald and the LCPP believe that the wrench fighting matches will have a trickle down effect on the rest of the city. “Creativity is an act of violence,” says Gerald. “There’s a reason the famous anarchist, Michael Bakunin, said that destruction was also an act of creation. Because it is. In order to create, we must destroy. The two acts are linked together, different sides of the same coin. By encouraging people to destroy each other, we believe that they’ll be more likely to create new and wonderful things. Deliberate acts of violence will lead to the creation of new music genres, new clubs, new parties, new everything. Wrench fights will revitalize Montreal and curb the slow and quiet death of our party scene."

Many old school ravers agree. “There’s a reason that Montreal’s party scene was booming back when the biker gangs ran everything,” says party promoter Dallas Gauthier. “And that’s because bikers know how to party. People who don’t live dangerous lives don’t create interesting art. Montreal’s nightlife needs more danger, and wrench fighting offers us that. Bring on the blood sports!"

A mysterious kayak full of crystal meth was discovered on the shore of Cap Saint Jacques over the weekend, and police are baffled by it. “Last month, police in Florida discovered a motorized surfboard full of cocaine,” says Sgt. Jake Morgan of the Montreal Police Force. “That makes sense, it’s a cheap way for people to smuggle cocaine into America. The kayak that we discovered wasn’t motorized. It was just full of crystal meth, like there was a lot of it, the kayak was simply overflowing with the stuff. It would have made Walter White salivate, that’s how much crystal was in that kayak."

Many Cap Saint Jacques citizens have their own theories about where the crystal meth came from. “I believe it was an offering to nearby wood spirits ,” says pagan hippie and crystal meth enthusiast Sparkles Betterglow. “The Cap is sick with capitalism, and only an offering of a kayak full of crystal meth will heal its sickness. There’s a good samaritan out there, possibly a pagan chemist, who as trying to make the world a better place by feeding it with meth."

Other people have less outlandish theories. “I think someone in the West Island broke bad, but then had a change of heart,” says school teacher Tanaka Mori. “They couldn’t go through with becoming meth dealers, so they abandoned their narcotics in the woods, the same way a mother might abandon her newly born child on the door steps of a church or an orphanage."

Californian bartender Fabio Fibonacci was arrested over the weekend after two of the customers he served, a lesbian couple, had drunken sex at their apartment. The police charged Fabio with rape under California’s controversial affirmative consent law, which asserts that women are incapable of consenting to sex while under the influence.

“When the police were approached by one of the lesbians who regretted her night of drunken sex, they did the only thing California law allowed them to do: they arrested Fabio for her rape,” says Fabio’s lawyer Basil Peddleton. “In California, if a male bartender serves beer to drunk lesbians and they end up having sex, he’s on the hook for having made that happen. Thanks to affirmative consent laws, we are increasingly living in a country where women are no longer held responsible for their own actions. We are regressing to the Victorian era in the name of gender equality. It’d be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic."

California democrats disagree. “Is it sexist to believe that men are always responsible while women are always irresponsible?” asks Senator Drew Garrey. “No, it’s not sexist, it’s just plain old common sense. We need to pass laws that treat women like feeble weaklings, because that’s what they are. Anyone who thinks that men and women should be treated equally under the law is actually a misogynistic bigot who deserves to be shunned and shamed and chased out of civilized of society."

Fabio disagrees. “All I did was what I was paid to do: get people drunk. Now they’re blaming me for my customers having drunken sex. They went to a bar, I served them beer, but because they’re women, they’re not responsible for their actions, I am. It’s insane. The world has gone nuts,” says Fabio. “If you’re a male and you live in a Western country, get the hell out while you can. Politicians are starting to squeeze the vice on regular men, passing laws that are so thoroughly stupid that sooner or later, there’s going to be hell to pay. You don’t want to be here once the bill comes due."

Concordia’s Liberal Art & Authority Student Union has come out swinging against mixed gendered environments, and is calling for the University to ban dancing and displays of public affection between men and women.

“As anyone who has taken a liberal arts class at Concordia knows,” says Union president Chris Tékon, “we live in a patriarchy, and as a result of the patriarchy, it is structural impossible for women to give their consent to anything in our society so long as they live under male oppression. That is why dancing must be banned, that is why kissing must be banned, that is why male/female relationships must be banned."

Most students at Concordia agree. “Women need to take their power back from men,” says gender studies student Nicole Bradwaithe. “All women are victims of male oppression, and the only way for us to end that is by recognizing our victimhood. We need to realize that it’s impossible for us to have consensual sex in a patriarchal society. All PIV sex, that is to say penis-in-vagina sex, is rape. It is rape because men are our oppressors, and if they are our oppressors, we cannot have consensual sex with them. That is a fact. If you believe in patriarchy, you have to also believe in it’s consequences: that all sex is rape. Dancing is rape. Kissing is rape. All male/female interactions are rape. Intersectionality akbar!"

Chris agrees. “We believe that Concordia will only be safe for women when men are no longer allowed on campus, but until that happens, we’ll be satisfied with banning all inter-gender interactions. We encourage women to avoid their oppressors."

Chris says that his union is ready to enforce the ban on dancing and PDAs. “We don’t need permission to do the right thing,” says Chris. “If the students vote no on our proposal, we’ll do it anyways. Anyone who opposes us is on the wrong side of history and they deserve what’s coming to them."

The Liberal Art & Authority Student Union has purchased stylish brown shirts, which it will be giving to a select crowd of Gender Enforcement Agents, who will begin policing Concordia for deviant sexual behaviours. “Women and men engaged in flirting, touching, and other oppressive behaviours will be sanctioned and punished,” says Chris. “Social Justice demands their compliance."

Montreal’s Hyperdrank Creations has scored a massive business hit with Big Woof, the world’s first dog saliva based energy drink. “We wanted to invent something entirely new,” says Hyperdrank president Ellen Chiotte, “and so we decided to turn dog saliva into a hip beverage that young people would love to drink. Flavoured dog saliva. It’s tasty, it’s healthy, and it will wake you up. It’s caffeine & sugar free, but drinking it will feel like you’re snorting a line of cocaine off your lover’s ass."

Ellen knew that Big Woof would be popular with kids, but she never realized how popular. “Big Woof is the pokemon of Energy Drinks,” says business analyst Aleja Gomez. “It’s popularity is through the roof. Everyone under the age of 21 loves it. No exception. If you don’t drink big woof, you’re a social pariah that no one wants to be friends with, it’s just an insanely huge phenomenon."

No one knows exactly why Big Woof is as inexplicably popular as it is, though that hasn’t stopped people from coming up with their own theories. “Everyone loves dogs,” says veterinarian Heidi Braun, “so it’s not surprising that flavoured dog slobber would be a hit. The only thing i’m surprised by is that it took this long for someone to monetize dog spit."

Clubs and raves have caught the hint, and these days buying a bottle of Big Woof at a party will cost you less than a bottle of water does. “It’s a bit like in France, where it costs less money to buy wine in some restaurants than it does to buy water. Big Woof is wine for millennials. When we’re out with friends, we don’t want to drink a glass of red wine, we want to hit back a bottle of cherry flavoured Big Woof."

Club Grosbitte is bringing a taste of Stockholm to Montreal with it’s new menu of mouldy delicacies that some people find disgusting, but other’s find positively scrumptious. “I got the idea after visiting Stockholm last year,” says club owner Lucius Renard. “I ate at this food truck that specialized in selling intentionally mouldy meals. I had a ripe, rank burger there and it was heavenly. The moment I sank my teeth into that slab of rotten meat, my heart skipped a beat and I knew I had to bring the mould experience to Montreal."

Foodies around the world are saying that mould is the next frontier of tasty treats. “2016 is going to be the year of mouldy food,” says professional trendspotter Henrietta Bobbitt. “We’re going going to start seeing a lot of bars and clubs offer mouldy snacks to their customers. Mould is hip, it’s young, it’s provocative, it’s dangerous, it challenges people, it’s taboo. It’s a marketer’s dream come true."

Lucius agree. “Mouldy burgers are so in right now,” says Lucius. “Business at Club Grosbitte has doubled since we implemented are mouldy menu. We’re not even a restaurant, our focus has always been on serving phat beats over tasty treats, but the response to our burgers has been so positive that we’ll start offering an entire range of mouldy eats."

“Mould is organic, it’s low cost, it’s healthy, and it has a low carbon footprint."

Club Grosbitte’s chef, Champ Ignonpoilu, believes that mouldy food deserves to be more popular. “Mould is organic, it’s low cost, it’s healthy, it has a low carbon footprint, and it’s delicious,” says Champ. “When you’re eating a mouldy burger, you’re not just making your stomach happy, you’re making the world happy. You know the mould was grown right here in Montreal, locally. We didn’t have to import it from China or anywhere else. All we had to do was leave the burger out in the sun for a couple of weeks, and voila, you’ve got a tasty delicious mouldy burger."

Club Grosbitte is open seven days a week from 8pm to 3am.

Notorious Quebec city promoter Étienne Plotte was arrested over the weekend in what police are calling a case of revenge gone wild. “He tried to hire a prostitute to harass and stalk one of his business rivals,” says Sgt. Jean Guy of the Quebec Police Force. “Unfortunately for him, he ended up hiring an undercover police officer instead, so we arrested him."

Dominique Sovereign, Étienne’s target, says that he’s suspected someone was hiring prostitutes to follow him around for awhile now. “I was at a candy store when a woman in a skimpy outfit came up and propositioned me,” says Dominique. “I might be a party promoter, but that doesn’t mean women are in the habit of throwing themselves at me."

Police say this isn’t the first time that people have hired prostitutes to stalk and harass their enemies. “In the 1960s, General Motors hired hookers to foliow Ralph Nader around in the hopes that they could take pictures of him in compromising, reputation ruining situations,” says Sgt. Jean Guy. “We believe Mr. Plotte was also trying to ruin Dominique’s reputation."

Dominique finds the entire situation hilarious. “If Étienne thought he’d ruin my reputation by revealing I sleep with whores, than he wasn’t very smart,” says Dominique. “I love whores. I’d rather sleep with a professional who knows what she’s doing than a pure and virginal woman. Hell, if my enemies are paying women to sleep with me, that’s pretty awesome. I hope more enemies start following in Étienne’s footsteps."

Quebec physicians are baffled by an outbreak of the dancing plague, a rare disease with no known cure, struck several regions across the province. Thousands of Quebeckers have taken to the streets to dance, and many of them are incapable of stopping.

“We’re worried that this is a repeat of the great dancing plague of 1518,” says Dr. Rael Porvrai. “In that epidemic, 400 people in Strasbourg took to the streets to dance. It lasted for weeks. Many citizens died from exhaustion, others from heart attacks. They literally danced themselves to death."

Quebec’s dancing plague might dwarf the original of 1518. “Today, over a thousand Quebeckers are already suffering from dancing fever,” says Dr. Porvrai. “If the disease continues spreading, we believe that ten thousand people will be dancing in the streets by the end of the month. After that, we’re looking at an apocalyptic dancing scenario. It’ll be like walking dead, but with more dancing and EDM."

Gaetan Botine, Quebec’s Health Minister, is working with experts around the world to help study and understand the bizarre danciang outbreak. “We need to know why people are dancing uncontrollably,” says Gaetan. “Is it an airborne virus that’s making them dance? Is it bacterial? Is it just because it’s the summer and it’s beautiful outside and life is pretty great? It’s a mystery, and we’re going to solve it or die trying."

Gaetan says that Quebeckers who have the urge to dance should be careful. “If you find yourself dancing and don’t know how to stop, make sure to call 911,” says Gaetan. "They’ll help you get the treatment you need. Dancing is fun in moderation, but the dancing plague takes it to an unhealthy extreme."

The world famous Traveling Polyamorous Twin Orgy, or TPTO, is coming to Montreal, an event so exclusive that only identical twins are allowed to attend. “Growing up, my brother and I both knew that we were destined to create something majestic,” says TPTO co-founder Bruce Ludwig. “And that something was a giantworld traveling orgy that was exclusively geared towards twins. Sure, there’s a bit of twincest involved, but really, we just wanted to experience the tripped out aesthetic of being in a room full of naked twins having sex. There are a lot of fun stuff you can only do with an exact body double.”

Don Ludwig, Bruce’s twin, agrees. “Man, last year we all took LSD and had our twin orgy in a house of mirrors,” says Don. “It was insane. This year, at the Montreal orgy, we’re going to be using video cameras, television sets, and projection screens for a different kind of balls-to-wall experience. Our orgies are the stuff of legends because for us, it’s not just about twins having sex, it’s about creating the illusion that an army of look-alikes are engaged in mass sexual intercourse. We’re the David Copperfield’s of the orgy scene. We put the magic in travelling polyamorous twin orgies."

Twins don’t have to related in order to take part in the fun. “Natural doubles are accepted,” says Don. “If you find someone who looks exactly like you over the internet, you’re both free to join us for a night of sexual debauchery."

Some people are so intent on attending the orgy that they’re willing to get cosmetic surgery. “We’ve had several people who went under the knife, changed their faces so they looked exactly alike, all for the privilege and having sex the Twin Orgy way. They said it was worth it. And they were right."

The Traveling Polyamorous Twin Orgy will be taking place July 26th at the Montreal Exhibitionist Salon. Tickets cost $45, only twins and look-alikes can attend.

Medical researchers at Montreal’s Cévrai Hospital have released a new study that shows what many new mothers have known all along: giving birth leads to a drug high that feels a lot like ecstasy.

“When a woman gives birth, her brain is flooded with a cocktail of intoxicating hormones that make her feel like a million dollars,” says lead researcher Tabar Naködecalis. “I think that’s natures way of making up for the pain of childbirth . Once the baby is out, the brain throws itself a party, and manufactures its own supply of drugs, so many drugs that the hours after giving birth, women often feel like they’re Andy Dick in a Nevada whorehouse."

The researchers theorize that postpartum hormones could be used to create new and exciting drugs. “Once we learn why female brains produce postpartum drug cocktails, we might be able to reverse engineer the process,” says Tabar. "Best case scenario, we’ll figure out innovative ways to fight depression. Worst case scenario, evil gangs of ne’er do-wells might start kidnapping pregnant women and then sucking out their postpartum brain juice using terrifying dystopian machines. Ravers at parties will no longer get high on MDMA, instead they’ll drink fluids that were forcibly removed from the skulls of pregnant women. This is a very real concern of ours, which is why our research needs to proceed with caution."

Ravers for their part deny that they would ever want to drink the brain fluids of pregnant women. “That’s just evil,” says 18 year old party kid Louis Katel. “I’d rather just buy cocaine from a south american drug cartel. I’m ethical, y’know."

Montreal promoter Keith Derrick is winning plaudits from bon pensants across the world after he paused his last party at 3am in order to hold a rape culture seminar. “His idea of bringing gender sensibility training to dance culture was a brilliant and boundary pushing innovation,” says Gerald Ludwig Bonderschnauser The Third, an aristocratic white man from San Francisco. “By pausing his party and forcing his audience to contemplate the oppressive patriarchal privilege that infuses our society, Keith was reminding people that rape culture isn’t something you can escape. It’s everywhere, and since it’s everywhere, we are all obliged to stop enjoying ourselves. We must immiserate one another in order to liberate each other from the death grip of patriarchy. So long as patriarchy persists, raving is a distraction from the struggle. And the struggle is all that matters. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fire my butler. He served me kale salad when I had asked him for quinoa, and that’s simply not something I can abide. The help these days, they’re the foot soldiers of the patriarchy."

Keith Derrick says his innovative breakthrough came to him one day while he was snorting several lines of cocaine in the back of his car. “I had this coke induced epiphany,” says Keith. “As a promoter, I’m often accused by people of being a degenerate scumbag who profits off vice and sin. That’s accurate, but it’s not the whole picture. I’m also vain and petty and enjoy pretending to be a decent human being, and that’s why I wanted to take advantage of the latest cause du jours in signalling that I was an upstanding member of the community. In 2012, I would have paused the party to talk about KONY, but in 2015? Rape culture is where it’s at. That’s how you let people know that you’re deep, empathic, and compassionate."

Keith said he paused the party at 3am for thirty minutes of sensitivity training. “I asked all the men in the crowd to meditate on how they’re all potential rapists,” says Keith. “I told them that there’s an inner rapist living in every man, and the only way to keep
this inner rape monster from breaking out and raping everyone and everything in its path is by teaching men not to rape. Because if we don't learn not to rape, we’re just going to go out and do it. We have to be taught not to be terrible, preferably by someone with a liberal arts degree."

Lucky for the audience, Keith had invited a critical theorist to attend the event. “Aleja Gomez is a student journalist at Concordia,” says Keith. “He’s read a handful of English translations of French post-modernist philosophy, which makes him eminently qualified to talk about rape to a room full of strangers. Aleja was a real barn buster, the absolute highlight of the night. I think he really taught all those men about how they're inherently sinful, and the only thing standing between them and their urge to rape all the women they see is the benediction of a liberal art graduate.”

Keith says that after today's rape culture hysteria passes, he’ll come up with a new way to show off his political bonafides. “I think it’s really important for us to treat politics as a fashion statement,” says Keith. “If we end up actually caring about things and thinking about them in ways that involve genuine compassion, empathy, and understanding, we might actually make the world a better place and that would be terrible."

Dozens of ravers are dead after an earthquake hit Goa over the weekend. “The epicentre was right in the middle of a psytrance party,” says seismologist Henry Hicks. “We’re lucky it was a relatively small quake, otherwise a lot more people could have died."

The loss of life was quickly seized on by religious fanatics and feminists, who both claimed that the earthquake was divine punishment for the skimpy clothing that party goers were wearing.

“God was punishing the whores,” says Rev. Paul Wiggums of the Great Church of Everlane Baptism. “He was punishing the whores for dressing like whores, he was punishing the whores for dancing like whores, he was punishing the whores for being whores. God hates a sinner, and they were sinning in Goa, and now they’re dead, and they’re dead because God hates them. But I love God, and he loves me, and he’ll love you too if you just obey and submit and recognize his divine authority. God is glorious, God is great."

Rev. Wiggums wasn’t the only fanatic blaming their deaths on divine retribution. Feminists joined in, calling the earthquake punishment against those women who internalized patriarchy by dressing up in oppressively skimpy attire.

“The women at that rave were willingly objectifying themselves for the benefit of the male gaze, and Mother Earth punished them for their sins. What happened wasn’t an earthquake, it was Mother Earth smashing the patriarchy,” says feminist geologist Hon Epawp. “People need to understand that the term earthquake was invented by white cis-hetero males in an attempt to deny, minimize, and obscure our planet’s acts of feminist dissent. The earth doesn’t quake, instead, it screams out at male oppression, and it shifts its tectonic plates in anger at white male privilege. Intersectionality akbar!"

Intersectionality akbar is a common phrase among feminists who, ever fearful of offending mother earth, militantly celebrate the divine and immutable truth of intersectional feminism, which they believe is the very faith of the planet itself. “Our scholars discovered the One True Way while studying at prestigious Ivy League universities,” says Hon. “They divested themselves of their illusions and discovered the true nature of reality thanks to literary theory, which they used to unravel the mysteries of Mother Earth. Out of the goodness of their hearts, these scholars now offer their wisdom to the unwashed masses in order that they may be saved and made whole again. Intersectionality akbar!"

Hon says that it was literary theory that revealed the intersectional truth of oppression. “It’s a truth that rules over us as the sun rules over the earth, and as the earth rules over us,” says Hon. "The Buddha said that life is suffering, but Herbert Marcus, and Bell Hooks, and Cornel West have all shown the Buddha the error of his ways. Life is suffering, yes, unless you are a white male, in which case you are the oppressor and must be punished by the forces of Harvard, and the forces of Yale, and the forces of Stanford, and the forces of Oxford, the four forces which embody the true knowledge of Mother Earth. It has been written, and what is written, must be. Ululululu, kill all men, ululululu, especially the white ones. Intersectionality akbar!"

Culture studies graduate and online journalist Baruth Jennings agrees. “In the absence of feminism, which is The One True Way, there is only barbarism and domination. Mother Earth, peace be upon her, will continue to punish the unbelievers until they accept Bell Hooks into their heart, and realize that only by kneeling before Ivy League Liberal Art Graduates can they hope to find salvation in this world and in the next. Listen to us and believe. We are the light, the way, and the holy truth. We care for you, and that is why you must follow us, otherwise we will make you walk the walk of shame, where you will be purged of your disobedience and learn to submit to our rule. Intersectionality akbar."

Healthy well adjusted people find both feminists and religious fanatics to be a little bit crazy. “I remember when crazy people used to be ignored,” says Pepper Ridgefarm. “Now, they write for newspapers."

The Montreal police are warning ravers to be careful when they go out, after learning about a new gang that’s terrorizing the city’s night life. “They call themselves the Toothfairies,” says Sgt. Bruce Morgan of the SPVM. “They wander the streets of Montreal, looking for party goers to assault. Once they find a victim, they steal all their teeth by using brutally violent extraction methods. We won’t go into details, but suffice it to say, it’s not pretty, but it’s effective. If you get targeted by the tooth fairies, you’ll need dentures."

So far, police say over a dozen ravers have been rendered toothless by members of the gang. “We’ve heard rumours that street gangs are starting to use raver teeth as a new form of currency,” says Sgt. Morgan. “It’s like a more sociopathic version of bitcoin, but instead of mining coins with computers, they’re mining teeth by punching ravers in the face and than pulling out their pearly whites."

Police say that the teeth are then traded for drugs, guns, and sexual favours. “As more and more people start trading goods and services in exchange for raver teeth, going out at night to party and dance will become increasingly dangerous,” says Sgt. Morgan. “We hope that the presence of this new threat will help ravers re-evaluate their lifestyle choices. Perhaps instead of dancing at all night parties, they should consider studying for school, or working on a new business, or reading books about tax accounting. All of those activities are safe and don’t put people at risk of having all their teeth removed by roving gangs of brigands."

Ravers, for their part, say that they’re undeterred. “Even if violent gangs do steal all our teeth, that won’t stop us from dancing” says Greg Butterfeld, a 23 year old raver from Montreal Nord. “Raving is life, dancing is life, music is life. Teeth? They’re a luxury. And besides, toothless people give way better blow jobs. In some ways, the tooth fairies are actually doing ravers a favour."

Ravenews is a labour of love, drugs, and EDM. It wouldn’t exist without a complete and total disregard for common decency. At Ravenews, we have no shame — and neither should you.

We were all thrown into the Universe without getting much of a say in the matter. Some of us landed into cozy situations, many of us did not. None of us, however, asked to be here. Now that we are, we shouldn’t waste a single second of our lives apologizing for it or for anything else that’s beyond our control.

Life isn’t easy — for anyone. Robin Williams was a wealthy comedian who was loved, respected, and adored by millions. That didn’t stop him from struggling with depression, it didn’t stop him from getting sick, and it didn’t stop him from taking his own life.

Buddha said that life was suffering, but there are a lot of people out there, especially liberal art graduates, who believe otherwise. They think life is only suffering for some people, and that thanks to their political enlightenment, they believe that they are in a position to judge the authenticity of your pain.

We at Ravenews reject the idea that pain can or should be judged. We believe that pain is incommensurable, that we all suffer in our own way, and that the moment we begin to compare one another’s suffering, we lose the ability to empathize and to feel compassion. In other words, the moment we judge another person's pain, we kill our ability to empathize with that pain.

We started this site to poke fun at journalists who wrote sensationalist stories about ravers. Journalists love a good scare story, and ravers have provided a lot of fodder to them over the years. The 90s were the golden age of Raver Danger stories, and while newspapers carry fewer of these stories today, they still publish them with hilarious consistency. Newspapers wanted people to look down on ravers. They were profiting off the creation of shame.

Journalism has always been a shit show — it’s never been a respectable business. Newspapers thrive on drama, and drama thrives on shame. They antagonize, belittle, provoke, incite, and enrage. That’s their modus operandi. They’re not in the business of sharing useful news, they’re in the business of manipulating people by making them angry and afraid.

In the past, readers could escape the hatred and fear mongering they read in the news, but now there is no escape. Thanks to Twitter and Facebook, the fear and the hate never end.

Journalists are professional assholes. They shit on people for a living. There’s a reason studies show that psychopaths are attracted to careers in journalism. What happens when all these psychopaths start congregating online, networking with each other, creating a giant echo chamber full of sycophantic rage addicts who eat up their every word? We believe that journalism, when combined with social media, fosters intolerance and promotes violent rhetoric.

Journalism is, at its heart, abusive. It relies on drawing out negative emotions from people, and hence profits from misery and suffering. Social media, on the other hand, is about connecting people. When you combine journalism with social media, you get people connecting over commodified misery. The journalists have an incentive to create more misery, since the more misery they create, the more attention they get, the more attention they get, the more ad dollars they make.

We know that newspapers and the journalists they employ have weaponized and commodified shame, and thanks to the internet, we know that it’s harder for us to escape their shame machine.

This is why Ravenews would like to encourage everyone to reject the shame machine, the journalists who run it, and the readers who enable it.

It doesn’t matter what race you are, what gender you are, what god you pray too, or what you do with your private parts. You have no reason to be ashamed of yourself, and if anyone tries to make you feel bad for being who you are, recognize that they have appointed themselves your judge and jury, and then tell them to fuck off.

You are valuable, you deserve to be treated with dignity, and your feelings are legitimate. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The Nomadic Beat Collective is giving new life to the old business of door to door sales. Instead of selling tupperware or encyclopedias, Nomadic Beat sells on demand music mixes. “We’re like the Avon Ladies of EDM,” says Nomadic Beat Collective founder Alfredo Pennywerther, “but instead of giving people silky smooth hands, we give them silky smooth beats. You’re at home minding your business, working on your spreadsheets, when suddenly you hear a knock at the door. It’s us, with our turn tables and music mixers. Give us ten books, and we’ll turn your boring afternoon into a mind blowing rave."

Nomad Beat offers customers a variety of musical and dance related services. “You can buy a thirty minute DJ set for twenty dollars, we’ll throw in a strobe light and disco ball for an extra fifteen. For a hundred dollars, we’ll get down and twerk it as we work it on the turntables. Shaking that ass while giving you mad bass."

The idea behind Nomad Beat Collective might seem quixotic, but Alfredo says his company is in it for the long haul. “Right now, we’re just selling PG-13 dance parties, but once marijuana and prostitution are both legalized, and our lobbyists our working hard to make that happen, we’re going to offer people the full rave experience. We’ll smoke a bowl, then suck you off while you’re dancing to Goldfrapp. Eventually, we want to be able to sell people MDMA, crystal meth, and existential shame."

Business analysts are convinced that Nomad Beat Collective has a bright future, but only if their lobbying efforts succeed. “If Canada legalizes both the drug trade and prostitution, then the infrastructure Alfredo is building up right now will become insanely profitable,” says Bert Bunglevanger of the Royal Institute of Extreme Business Excellency. "He’ll own the largest door-to-door vice company in the country. He’s banking on the fact that changing moral values will one day enable him to sell people what they really want: music, good drugs, and easy sex. Imagine door to door drug dealers and prostitutes? That’s the kind future I want to invest in."

Perry Hilton, a 24 year old South Shore mechanic, has become an internet superstar after a video of him drinking his own vomit was posted on to youtube. The video in question was filmed at his best friend’s bachelor party. Perry and a dozen other men participated in the age old tradition of getting thoroughly trashed in honour of their lost brethren, Mitchel White, who had chosen perdition and pussy over dignity and freedom.

“I got totally hammered,” says Perry. “I couldn’t help it. I was about to lose my best friend to marriage. I’ll never Mitchel again. Marriage murders friendships. That’s a scientific fact. Getting married is the same damn thing as dropping a nuclear bomb on all your closest relationships. None of them will survive the marriage."

Despondent and depressed, Perry started to pound back the beers. “I drank and I drank and I drank some more,” says Perry. “I don’t remember the night too clearly, which was the whole point of my drinking so damn much. Eventually, I was so out of it, that I started puking every few minutes."

Perry’s friends found his constant vomiting hilarious. “He’d empty out his stomach into his beer glass, then go write back to drinking,” says husband-to-be Mitchel. “It was amazing. He was so out of it, he didn’t realize what he was doing."

Internet commenters agree. “Oh man, videos of drunk people drinking their own vomit will always be hilarious!!” says professional youtube commenter UrMoMsAwH0RE. “I wish more people would post golden moments like in on to the internet. It’s important to immortalize people’s most embarrassing moments by sharing them with billions of strangers."

Perry doesn’t remember drinking his own vomit. “If they hadn’t filmed me, I would never have believed it,” says Perry. “I think posting that video was a bit of a dick move on Mitchel’s part, but I’m okay with it because it stands as a warning to everyone else out there. When you let your friends get married, there’s a good chance you’re going to get so drunk that you’ll drink your own vomit. It happened to me, don’t let it happen to you. Friends don’t let friends get married."

34 year old Montreal promoter Mason Dixie passed away this weekend after he choked on seagull droppings. “He was dancing at tam tams with his mouth wide open when a seagull dropped a deuce right down his throat,” says Benningworth Cobblesmidt, the first paramedic to arrive on scene. “Unfortunately, by the time we arrived, he had already taken his last breath. There was nothing we could do to help him."

Mason isn’t the first person to die by choking on seagull droppings. “Seagull feces are one of the leading causes of summer time deaths,” says Benningworth. “It’s much more common than people realize. Every year, thousands of people around the world choke to death on bird shit."

Seagulls kill far more people than sharks do, says animalogist Betty Cooper. “I think it’s intentional,” says Betty. “Seagulls are the quiet, soft spoken serial killers of the wild. No one expects them to be as deadly as they are, but they’re out there, eating our bread crumbs, flying over our heads, just waiting for the perfect moment to drop liquid pellets of doom on to the world. Every day people die beneath the seagull's lethal white rain."

Seagulls are such potent murder machines, that they are now being weaponized by the disgruntled and deranged. “Over in Belgium, there was a case of an angry psytrance producer releasing a hundred seagulls at a dubstep event,” says interpol commissioner Veronica Andrews. “Dozens of ravers died of seagull related asphyxiation. It was one of the worst dance related acts of terrorism in human history."

Betty says that there’s not much people can do to put an end to the seagull terrorism. “We share this planet with deadly animals that want us dead,” says Betty. “The only thing you can really do is make peace with your own mortality and accept the fact that sooner or later, you’re going to die, and it might be because a flying rodent defecated in your mouth."

The Montreal Police are asking ravers not to transform crime scenes into party scenes after a rave erupted Friday night at the location of a triple homicide. “Dozens of teenagers showed up with a sound system, strobe lights, and beer kegs,” says Sgt. Annie Glum of the Montreal police. “They had heard about the murders by using an iOS police radio application, and decided it’d be a great place to have a dance."

Ravers across America have started turning crime scenes into raves with alarming frequency. Known colloquially as Crime Parties, ravers will locate the scene of a recent murder, wait until the police are gone and the bodies are out, then call their friends over and dance the night away.

“We found out about the Friday incident by sheer luck,” says Sgt. Glum. “I had forgotten my wallet at the scene of the crime and went to pick it up, which is when I found the ravers dancing on what had been, hours earlier, a bloody site of death and misery."

No one knows why ravers love dancing at crime scenes. “I don’t understand it. No one at our precinct understands it. It’s a new trend. Teenagers are really weird,” says Sgt. Glum. “I hope this doesn’t go mainstream. It’s hard enough catching criminals as it is, and now we have to worry about ravers on MDMA dancing around our crime scenes."

Montreal’s nightlife scene is still adjusting to the increased popularity of clubbing among adults who are over fifty. “We’ve had to change quite a few things about how we organize our parties to accommodate older patrons,” says promoter Kyle Berlin. “Club owners and event organizers across the city are truly going above and beyond in order to capitalize on this trend. The fact that raving isn’t for kids anymore is great. The more people party, the better our parties will become."

Promoters like Kyle have switched their parties up and have begun to incorporate generation specific attractions into their events to appeal to people of all ages. “These days, it isn’t uncommon to find people playing bingo, backgammon, or bridge at a rave,” says Kyle. “And that’s just for starters. Now that we’ve created environments that are welcoming to older people, we’ve expanded our ability to cash and profit. We don’t just sell water bottles and energy drinks, we now also sell metamucil, weather’s original candies, and blu-ray’s of Matlock."

Younger ravers say they’re happy to be partying with their elders. “I think the whole selling metamucil thing at parties is kind of condescending, but I’m happy that people in their fifties and beyond feel welcomed at our raves,” says Bridgitte Mason, a 24 year old raver. “When I’m older, when my hair is grey and the wrinkles have set in, I hope that I’ll still be welcomed at raves. This isn’t something I ever want to grow out of, and I think it’s important for us to embrace people of all ages, genders, races, and orientations. Raving should be as inclusive as possible. This is about celebrating life, about really enjoying yourself, and there’s no reason why older people should be shut out of our events. I hope this trend keeps up."

Kyle agrees. “Raving isn’t just for teenagers anymore. Everyone’s welcome at our parties. No exceptions."

Faisal Manning, a 32 year old Montreal man, is recovering from shock after naked intruders broke into his apartment. “I was on the computer arguing with someone on Facebook when I heard a large crashing sound coming from my living room,” says Faisal. “I went to investigate it, and I couldn’t believe what I saw.”

Three naked men had broken a window in Faisal’s living room, climbed through it, and set themselves up on his couch. “I was in a state of shock. You think, in a situation like that, that i’d have started yelling at these guys, or calling the police, but instead, I just stood there with my jaw open.”

According to Faisal, the men acted as if nude breaking and entering were a perfectly common place, every day affair. “Eventually, I managed to utter several choice expletives at my unwanted naked interlopers,” says Fail. “I told them to leave, and they just told me to relax, that it wasn’t a big deal. Then, after telling me to calm down, they started to beatbox.”

The sight of seeing three strange naked men beat boxing in his living room was so bizarre, Faisal thought he was on drugs. “I still have trouble wrapping my head around what I saw,” says Faisal. “I just can’t even begin to understand the chain of events that could possibly lead three people to do what those guys did.”

Faisal didn’t allow the beatboxing to go on for very long. “I told them that I was calling the police, and they just kept beatboxing as if it was no big deal,” says Faisal. “The police, for their part, thought I was just a crank caller. The whole episode was a nightmare. By the time the police finally arrived, the naked beatboxers had ran out of my apartment. If it wasn’t for video footage from a neighbour’s security camera that caught them on their way out, the police might never have believed me.”

The police are warning Montreal residents to be on the lookout for three naked men.

Dentists across Montreal are raving about Drum & Bass after the successful launch of their Oral Hygiene/Aural Hygiene campaign. “Dentistry hasn’t evolved all that much over the last few decades,” says Amir Khaledra, the president of the Quebec Dental Supremacy Foundation. “We wanted to change that, so the dentists of Montreal got together and cooked up a new way to make dentistry exciting again. The result was our OHAH campaign, where we turn a trip to the dentist into a party."

As part of the OHAH campaigns, dentists have started playing Drum & Bass music during dental sessions. “You wouldn’t think that raving and dentistry go well together,” says Montreal dentist Yvette Couteau, “but they do! In fact, I feel that dancing to DnB while I operate on my patients has really improved my skills as a dentist."

Customers agree. “I used to dread going to dentist,” says former meth addict Brianna Grace, “but ever since my dentist started playing drum and bass during our appointments, I just can’t wait to go and have what’s left of my teeth checked out."

Rave Promoters are getting in on the act. “We’ve started inviting dentists to perform check-ups at our parties,” says party promoter Yoga Biddleson. “And ravers really seem to love it."

“I hadn't been to a dentist in years,” says 23-year-old McGale student Lee Sania. “But then I saw a dental booth at the EDM party I went to last Friday, and I said what the hell, you only live once. It was the best dental check-up I ever had. I was tripping on MDMA, the music was blasting, and there was a dentist all up in mouth. It was fantastic."

Raver dentistry has been so popular, that Amir says dentists across North America have been calling him to ask about it. “I think you’ll start seeing more and more dentists opening up booths at parties and clubs throughout the rest of Canada and the United States,” says Amir. “Dentistry just levelled up."

Researchers at The Quebec Institute of Urbanological Studies have released a damning report that shows that Montreal causes drug addiction. “We have iron clad evidence that shows that moving to Montreal dramatically increases your chance of turning into a meth head,” says lead researcher Dr. Beryl Roll. “Six out of ten people who move to Montreal develop a substance abuse problem, which towers over the drug abuse problems of other Canadian cities."

Dr. Roll says that other cities have their own problems, but that Montreal’s are in a league of their own. "If you move to Toronto, chances are you’ll just become a boring person with a desk job, a love of processed foods, and a deep hatred for artists or living a meaningful life. If you move to Montreal, though, chances are you’ll become a drug addicted hooker who is always hungry for blow. Your mouth will be constantly searching for new genitals to explore while your body will crave an endless supply of narcotics."

Police say that Dr. Roll’s study will help them craft new ways of dealing with drug offenders. “I think it’s important for us to realize that cities have individual cultures,” says Sgt. Annabell Lecter of the SPVM. “And hence, we can’t police Montreal the way we’d police Toronto. If our city has a culture that promotes drug addiction, prostitution, and wild debauchery, than we need to tailor our policing strategies to reflect our unique culture."

Dr. Roll says that Montreal’s drug fuelled ways aren’t necessarily a bad thing. “Sure, if you move to Montreal you’ll probably wind up in a alleyway giving blow jobs to strangers so that you can keep buying meth,” says Dr. Roll, “but what’s wrong with that? I think most Montrealers would rather be drug crazed sex fiends than boring office workers. Drugs and prostitution are fun. Being boring isn’t. I think it’s okay that Montreal causes drug addiction. We shouldn’t shy away from that fact, we should advertise it."

The Montreal Tourist Board has taken Dr. Roll’s advice to heart and will begin unrolling it’s new ‘Try Crystal Meth In Montreal!' marketing campaign over the coming weeks.

Half a dozen ravers were arrested over the weekend in what police are calling a terrifying act of brutal violence. “They tortured a DJ for playing dubstep ,” says Sgt. Peralta of the Montreal Police Force. “Thankfully, the DJ survived, though he suffered irreparable brain damage and will never play music again."

Police say that the ravers swarmed the DJ during his set. They yelled at him and asked him to stop playing dubstep. “They wanted him to play some glitch house,” says Sgt. Peralta. “When he refused and kept playing his original set, they yanked off his headphones and attacked him with his laptop."

The beating escalated until the DJ was bleeding and disoriented, at which point the enraged mob of ravers dragged him outside the party. “The event took place in a warehouse that bordered the St-Lawrence river,” says Sgt. Peralta. “Once the ravers were outside, they found an empty bucket in the parking lot. One of the ravers took off his shirt while the other attackers filled the bucket with water from the river. They then placed the t-shirt over the DJs head and proceeded to waterboard him."

Water boarding, a method of enhanced interrogation pioneered by conservative politicians, involves pouring water over a cloth placed on top of person’s face. The experience simulates the sensation of drowning.

“This isn’t the first time a Montreal DJ has been waterboarded by angry ravers,” says Sgt. Peralta. “And I doubt it’ll be the last. In the last six months alone, Montreal has had four such incidents. Our city is devolving into a dystopian post-apocalyptic nightmare. It doesn’t feel like Montreal anymore, it feels like we’re living in a Mad Max movie. Twenty years ago, we didn’t waterboard our DJs. We did the civilized thing, we just set them on fire. I wish ravers would go back to their roots. Don’t drown your local DJ, burn him."

Montreal’s inaugural Gloving Competition ended in blood and tears Thursday evening after one of the competitors had his hands cut off by a drug crazed rival. 24 year old Marcel Leroux was rushed to the hospital were doctors tried in vain to reattach his hands. Marcel is expected to survive, but he will never glove again.

Gloving is a new dance form that has taken Montreal’s party scene by storm. It originated in California back in the late nineties. It’s a dance form that doesn’t involve moving your feet, just your fingers and your hands. Glovers usually wear flashing led gloves and often perform dazzling light shows for the people who are bored enough to watch them.

36 year old meth user Vince Vawn was arrested in the attack on Marcel. Police say that Vince had been on drugs for so long, that he had lost all touch with reality. “He didn’t realize he was entering a gloving competition,” says Sgt. Batista of the Montreal Police Force. “He thought he was attending a colosseum where mythical creatures had to fight each other to the death."

The psychiatrists who examined Mr. Vawn say that he didn’t even realize he was attacking a human being. “When he took out his axe,” says Sgt. Batista, “he thought he was up against the mascot from Hamburger Helper, that talking dancing glove you see in the commercials."

Montreal Gloving Competition founder Berry Bandersnatch says that glovers are usually incredibly peaceful people. “I have never heard of a glover viciously attacking another person with an axe before,” says Berry. “I didn’t even think that gloving related violence was possible. We are such a passive, harmless group. Security at our event was minimal, but going forward, I’ll be sure to institute a No Axes Allowe policy. I’ll also ensure that future gloving competitors know that they’re not participating in a bloody fight to the death, but in a friendly jazz hands competition. I want people to know that gloving is a peaceful sport. Glovers are violent. We’re loving, caring, compassionate weirdos."

Montreal is under siege as deranged gangs of women hating video gamers continue to terrorize the city. “It’s not safe to go out at night anymore” says party promoter Basil Wassau. “Once the sun sets, if you step outside, odds are you’ll be attacked by a cis-white male dressed up as an iconic video game character. Last night, my girlfriend was brutally raped and assaulted by a man in a sonic the hedge hog outfit. He kept hitting her in the face with a vintage Nintendo entertainment system. We called the police and they just laughed at us. They said that rape wasn’t a real crime.”

The police are adamant that they will not intervene in the violence. "The Montreal police are fully committed to turning this city into a hellish post-apocalyptic nightmare,” says Sgt. Peralta. “We are not going to arrest these vicious video gamers because we endorse their actions. We are agents of the state, champions of the Illuminati, and stewards of the patriarchy. Our entire existence is dedicated to oppressing everyone, everywhere, all the time. The gamer uprising has inspired us to reveal our true colours. We’ve grown tired of pretending to care about justice. The truth is, we just want to watch the whole world burn. Gamer Akbar! Rape culture is the one true culture! Women drool, men rule! Patriarchy today! Patriarchy tomorrow! Patriarchy forever!"

Ravers aren’t taking the gamer uprising lying down. “The police approve of this video game inspired blood bath,” says 23 year old party girl Krystal Selia. “They support video gamers killing, raping, and murdering people with impunity. Yesterday, I saw a dozen people wearing Mario & Luigi masks burn down a night club. No one did anything to stop them. That’s why I’ve organized the Raver Liberation Front. If the police won’t put an end to sexist inhuman video gamers murdering people in their misogynistic war on women, than the party women of Montreal will step up and do the job for them. They want a revolution, so we’ll give them one.”

Krystal says that starting tonight, groups of ravers will patrol the city and shoot video gamers on site. “We’ll kill all the cis white males and put an end to their murderous video gaming ways. Gamer Akbar? Try gamers are dead, because we shot them all in the head with AK-47s. Payback hurts, gamer boys."

A shocking report by Global Amnesty Associates, one of the largest non-profits in the world, has revealed a terrifying statistic: over 85% of electronic music is produced by enslaved homeless people.

According to the report, gangs of business men have been kidnapping disheveled unemployed homeless men and forcing them to produce electronic music. “It’s slavery, pure and simple,” says report author Lin Jeeves. “They lure homeless men into vans with the promise of food and employment, and then whisk them away to factories in the middle of nowhere where they’re locked into tiny rooms and forced to make repetitive techno music."

Lin says that the majority of today’s techno music is made under excruciatingly dehumanizing conditions. “Each men receives a single fish head every two days. They’re not allowed to go to the bathroom, instead they have to use a bucket that they keep by their seats. Once a week, the business men spray the men down with a fire hose to keep them clean."

The average EDM slave produces one song per hour. “The reason techno has become such an awful genre is that most albums are made under a day by slaves who live bitter and violent lives."

Harvey Biswald, president of Techno Music Enthusiats Incorporated, denies that the music industry has employed an army of slaves. “When you listen to an EDM album, you're listening to pure, organic, free-trade music,” says Harvey. “No one is harmed in the making of techno music. Yes, the people who work for us are dedicated to releasing music, and yes, they only eat a fish head a day, but that’s because they’re too busy creating art to waste any time on things like food or hygiene."

Lin says that people need to pressure music labels to come clean with their abusive policies. “We need to help free these men” says Lin. “Every time we listen to an EDM album, every time we dance to a psytrance track, every time we shake our ass on the dance floor, we’re enabling slavery."

Harvey disagrees. “They’re not slaves — we prefer to call them artistic associates. They’re happy to work for us."

Dozens of women protested outside Montreal’s Club Bourgeosie on Friday night to draw attention to what they call it's discriminatory and misogynistic dress code. “They won’t let women in who don’t have high heels on,” says protester Ang Gribiva. “I thought our society had moved past this nonsense, but we haven’t. We still live a world where men can dictate what women wear."

Maxwell Longbottom, Club Bourgeosie’s owner, says that his establishment doesn’t discriminate against women. “We discriminate against slobs,” says Maxwell. “We’re a black tie club, both men and women are expected to dress appropriately. Yes, we’re old fashioned. We have a dress code and we are serious about enforcing it. Women can wear tuxedoes if they’re that committed to wearing flat shoes, but if they have a gown on, we expect them to wear heels. If they don’t like it, they can always attend one of those low class bars full of drunken hooligans and crystal meth users. We’re strictly a cocaine and bentley’s kind of place. We operate at a different level, one where women still remember how to be feminine, and men still have their balls firmly attached."

Ang says it’s exactly that kind of blunt talk that convinced her to organize a protest. “You know, I could have tolerated his dress code,” says Ang, "it’s his politically incorrect ideas that I can’t live with. Men need to learn that if they don’t police their thoughts, then activists will burn their businesses right down to the ground. Wrongthink must be purged from the world one protest at a time."

Ang says that until Maxwell learns the errors of his way and publicly repents for his wrong ideas, she and her friends will continue their protest. “Maxwell won’t receive our divine forgiveness until he opens his heart to the fact that his ideas are bad, and that makes him a bad person,” says Ang. “The key to his absolution is total spiritual capitulation before us. We are the voice of the one true way, and if he refuses to convert to our ideology, he will be cast into the fires of damnation for all eternity."

Maxwell disagrees. “Protesters are so low rent, they have no class at all. I wish people would stop treating them seriously. They’re petulant, whiney little children. The only power they have is the power we give them, and I’m certainly not going to give any power to people who dress like slobs."

Young adults around the world have embraced what many sociologists are calling society’s best idea yet: the paracetamol challenge. This herculean task involves chugging down a bottle of over-the-counter pain medicine in what doctor’s call “a death defying demonstration of youthful vitality."

Dr. Frederik Hogan was an early champion of the paracetamol challenge. “Our society has grown soft and decadent,” says Dr. Hogan. “In the old days, the young would have to undergo a rite of passage into adulthood. Today, no such rites exist, and that’s why so many of our children refuse to grow up. We live in a world where 30 years old require safe spaces when they’re confronted with words or ideas that they find offensive. An increasing number of people now live in a state of arrested development, a perpetual adolescence that never ends. The paracetamol challenge is a return to the past, a return to the days when people had no choice but to grow-up."

The idea of downing an entire bottle of paracetamol isn’t a smart one, and that’s why it’s so brilliant, says sociologist Rita Tungsfeld. “The reason people aren’t growing up is because we’ve lost touch with our primal, irrational selves,” says Rita. “The key to saving society from itself is encouraging people to behave like self-destructive imbeciles. If they survive, they deserve to live, but if they die, the rest of society will be better off. It’s Darwin in action."

The young adults who have taken part in the paracetamol challenge aren’t interested in overarching theories that explain their thoughtless risk taking. “Look, I’m not swallowing an entire bottle of pain killers because I want to grow up,” says 23 year student jackass James Butterscotch “I’m swallowing that bottle so I can brag about it online. I love all the attention I get from complete and total strangers i’ll never meet in real life."

19 year old florist Mary Zenia agrees. “I took part in the paracetamol challenge because I wanted more shares and retweet,” says Mary. “My self worth is measured by online adulation by people i’d almost certainly hate in real life."

Rita doesn’t care about what the paracetamol challengers say. “As a sociologist, I'd never let the facts get in the way of a good theory,” says Rita. “That’s how we progress as a society."

Doctors who are actually good at their jobs are imploring people to not take the challenge.

Controversial Quebec developer Guy Goring isn’t a stranger to public enmity, and his latest plan is sure to raise hell if he succeeds in following through with it. His idea is as simple as it is offensive: he’s going to build an anglophone concentration camp theme park. “I have this idea of a place where people can go and beat up the English,” says Guy. “I think it will be very popular. And, I want to clear this up before the press goes crazy with accusations. This theme park will be entirely consensually. There will be no coercive violence. Think of it as a kind of 'fifty shades of anglo', a place were masochistic anglophones can go to be treated terribly."

Guy says the inspiration for the park came to him after he was introduced to the existence of vocal, self-hating English progressives. “I never knew about this white guilt concept, it’s a very English idea,” says Guy. “When I found out that English progressives hated themselves as much as I hated them, I realized we could come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. I could arrange to have people physically and emotionally abuse them and they could feel better about themselves by being abused. Everyone wins."

Guy expects to make a lot of money monetizing the self-loathing of English speaking progressives. “The English left believe that it’s impossible for white people to be oppressed,” says Guy. “I’m okay with this line of thought to an extent, because if it’s impossible to oppress white people, then it’s impossible to oppress the English. I’ll take my silver linings where I can. If my theme park is successful, I hope it will pave the way to an even larger social project: I want to make it legal for people of colour to own English progressives as slaves. It would help balance out our karmic debt, it would provide English progressives with the spiritual salvation that they so desperately crave, and it would lead to an increase in tourism as wealthy people from around the world flock to Quebec to own an anglophone of their very own. If i can legalize the ownership of anglo progressives, I hope to transform my theme park in to North America’s premiere white slave market."

Many people are excited about the theme park’s potential. “As an marginalized oppressed person,” says John Smith, a ginger haired British man who converted to Islam two weeks ago, “I look forward to finally being able to beat up some white people. I’d rather have the opportunity to attack all whites, but beggars can’t be choosers. i’ll settle for the English for now. I truly believe that this theme park will really help bring people of all nations together in a way that puts the social into social justice."

Guy says that his park will offer all sorts of fun activities. “We’ll have a tar & feathering station, a gimp room, a colosseum where anglophones will be forced to fight each other, various kinky torture devices,” says Guy, “It’ll be fun for the whole family. We’ll also have roller coaster rides, a ferris wheel, an on-premise hotel, and a dance club that will provide the best quality EDM this side of the Atlantic ocean. If you’re looking to beat up the English in a legal, consensual setting, our theme park will be at the top of your vacation destination list. We won’t let other white people hurt the english, but that’s okay, non-english whites will be able to sponsor people of colour who can’t afford to travel to the park. You might not be able to beat up the english personally, but you can enjoy the knowledge that you’ve helped an oppressed person of colour smack some anglos around."

Tens of thousands of masochistic English progressives have already signed up as volunteers. “As a white person who has absolutely no self-esteem, I deserve to suffer incredible indignities,” says liberal art graduate Michael Roberts. “I didn’t learn much in University, but I did learn that."

Guy is happy that he did. “God, I love English Universities. I don’t have to convince the English that they’re terrible people, because their Universities have already done that for me. This theme park is going to make me a billionaire, and that would never have happened without their help. As an anglo-hating bigot, I want to thank all the liberal art programs across America. You've helped me find a way to make my bigotry socially acceptable. I'll do it by funding hateful proxies that you're not allowed to criticize because of your twisted, ass backwards post-modernist logic. Thanks!"

The Anglo Concentration Camp Theme Park will open in 2018. Order early bird tickets today by calling 1-800-Yo-Whitey.

Dozens of West Island parents were shocked after learning that their teenage children were taking part in an electrifying new trend: taser parties.

43 year old critical theorist Penderwick Snoot, who studies ridiculous nonsense for a living, has been spreading the word about taser parties ever since he first discovered their existence while researching his book “I hate myself but at least I have a liberal arts degree”.

“As a critical theorist, I live a parasitic existence. I am a completely, totally, and utterly useless human being that no one will ever love,” says Penderwick. “In order to cope with the fact that my liberal arts degree makes me unloveable, I spend all my free time on the internet looking for people to belittle and insult. I’ve compiled my best flamewars into a book which should be released in 2018. A morose teenager discovered my online vitriol and liked it so much, they invited me to a taser party. Like most liberal art graduates, I have very low self-esteem, so I never say no to an invitation. I’ll hang out with anybody, even 14 year olds. Anyways, the taser party was an eye opening experience."

According to Penderwick, teenagers in affluent neighbourhoods have started organizing parties where they spend hours electrocuting each other. “They don’t dance, they don’t listen to music, they just shock each other,” says Penderwick. “They advertise and organize their parties exclusively via the internet. Most of these events are small gatherings of twenty to thirty privileged teenagers who are struggling with the fact that, as white people in North America, they are the living embodiment of injustice and oppression. They know, in their bones, that they all deserve to die, but they lack the intestinal fortitude to kill themselves. Instead, they just torture each other in the hopes that their acts of electric contrition will absolve themselves of the sin of having been born."

Doctors have corroborated the existence of taser parties. “We have noticed a definite surge in teenage taser victims over the last year,” says Dr. Baudlebraughthaka of the Montreal Stemlord Hospital. “I guess I’m supposed to say that I hope parents will help educate their children about the dangers of playing with electricity, but at this point, screw it. Our society seems hell bent on committing suicide, so why not help push it along. If these kids want to destroy themselves, its their funeral. As a doctor, I’m sick of these idiots wasting my time. If you’re dumb enough to electrocute yourself on purpose, you don’t deserve to live."

Penderwick agrees. “I look forward to a world where everyone hates society as much as I do,” says Penderwick. “The idea of living in a world where everyone hates everybody and we all want to die? That makes me happy."

Police are asking the public for help in identifying a dozen mystery babies that were abandoned at an outdoor psytrance party. “We have no idea where these children came from,” says Sgt. Morgan of the Montreal police force. “What we do know is that ravers discovered the babies early Sunday morning around the time that their illegal party was wrapping up. One of the party goers noticed several burlap sacks placed near the entrance of the party. Upon investigating the bags, they realized they were full of crying babies. The sacks themselves had the words ‘Raver Babies Forever’ written on them. At the moment, that’s all we have to go on."

The ravers at the party are equally baffled. “No one has reported the babies missing,” says party promoter Gregg Hugbawks, “so it’s not like they’ve been kidnapped. Is there some kind of twisted baby making factory out there somewhere? And if so, why would the people behind the factory just drop off a dozen babies at a psytrance party? None of it makes sense."

Police agree. “It doesn’t make sense, and we hope to crack the mystery,” says Sgt. Morgan, "Right now, we are deeply concerned about the circumstances surrounding these babies. Our first priority is to reunite these children with their mothers, which is why we’re requesting that anyone who has any information about them please get in touch with us immediately. We can’t do this without the public’s help. The sooner we can find the mothers, the sooner we can ensure their safety."

Ravers, for their part, are worried about what the future holds. “There’s something creepy going on,” says Gregg, “and for one reason or another, whoever’s behind the abandoned baby incident has decided to make ravers a part of their sick, twisted game. Babies aren’t toys. They’re tiny human beings! I hope they catch the person behind this. Otherwise, who knows what we’ll discover at our next rave."

Montreal Police officers are calling Edward Gibbon’s Canada’s older raver after arresting him for partying too hard. “He threw a rave at his apartment,” says Sgt. Peralta, “and didn’t inform his neighbours. They were less than amused when the techno kept blasting far past midnight."

Edward’s neighbours are usually accommodating of his eccentricities, but this time they feel he went too far. “I like that he lives his life like he’s never going to die,” says Mary Winston, who lives next door to the party fiend. “However, it does bother me when he goes overboard. We live in a quiet residential neighbourhood in the west island. We’re not the rave capital of Canada. When he start blasting psytrance at 3am and teenagers are passed out on drugs on our lawn, I have to put my foot down."

Edward, for his part, remains unrepentant. “I’m going to die soon anyways,” says Edward. “I’m not going to go out quietly. When I die, I’ll be high on LSD, with a 19 year old woman’s lips around my cock and my brain completely melted to mush by some rip-roaringly loud EDM. You only live once, and I’m nearing the end of my ride. Fuck y’all bitches for getting up in my business. If you’re not living hardcore, you’re not living at all, and I’m going to squeeze every last drop of passion out of my wrinkle old body. If you want to put me in jail, I say bring it on."

The old raver's antics has won him admirers from around the world. “I want to grow up to be as cool as Edward,” says 22 year old Australian Malek Bosworth. “He’s 84 and he’s still partying his ass off. You can be an old and frail and still have it going on. It’s inspiring. Getting old doesn’t mean you have to get boring."

Malek loves Edward so much, he started a church in his honour. “The Church of Edward puts raving front and centre,” says Malek. “We worship the party of life, and believe that fun, fun, fun is number one. If you’re not having a good time, you’re sinning in the eyes of the lord."

Police have decided not to charge Edward, but have warned him to be more mindful of his neighbours in the future. “Like hell I will,” says Edward. “Those pussies should be at my apartment with me dancing their sad little asses off. The reason I blast my music so loud is because I want everyone to dance with me. And if you’re not going to dance, you’re going to suffer."

Half a dozen clubs in Montreal are experimenting with Stall Quickies, a new internet enabled dating service. Bathroom stalls at participating clubs have been equipped with touch screens that feature eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in attendance at the venue. Users in the club are alerted when their picture have been approved and are then sent a picture of the person in the bathroom stall. If they approve of what they see, they don’t have to swipe their phone, they just have to go to the bathroom and knock on the appropriate stall door.

“We wanted to make it easier for people to have sex in our bathroom stalls,” says club owner Patrice Wanitestan. “We realized that we could use technology to make something that used to be low class, high class. Now people don’t have to feel ashamed about sneaking away to have sex with strangers in dingy and disgusting bathroom stalls. They can feel pride knowing that we not only sanction their act of public debasement, we encourage it."

Clubbers have already been quick to embrace the application. “I’ve always had a thing for bad sex that left me feeling ashamed of myself in the morning,” says Henrietta Stark. “Thanks to Stall Quickies, it’s not easier to throw my self-respect right out the window than it’s ever been."

Many men share her praise. “I’ve always wanted to get herpes,” says Corey Rift, “and now thanks to Stall Quickies, I can! Heck, I plan on collecting all the STDs out there. They’re like pokemon, and I want my collection to be complete. Everyone should try Stall Quickies."

Patrice says he’s happy that the service has been such a hit with clubbers. “We plan on conquering the world,” says Patrice. “Every club on earth will one day have Stall Quickies installed in their bathrooms. We’re going to take the guess work out of finding someone at a club to have sad, desperate sex with. That’s why people go clubbing in the first place. Sure, people say they party for music, but that’s like men who say they read playboy for the articles. We know what you really want. To fill some empty holes. Including the one in your soul."

Politicians across Quebec are pleading with parents, asking them not to bribe their children with cocaine and blow jobs. Their entreaties are, however, falling on deaf ears. “Unfortunately, they’re refusing to listen to common sense,” says Dr. Beverley Thibault, a family therapist at the Montreal Vraisencrist Hospital. "Hundreds of families in Montreal have adopted a mad new parenting fad where children receive cocaine and blow jobs from escorts in exchange for doing chores around the house or receiving high grades."

Dr. Thibault says this fad started deep in the trailer parks of Florida, where parents often resort to unconventional child reading methods to deal with their unruly spawn. “Yeah, we used to just beat the shit out of our kids,” says Earl Smith of Gainesville, “but one day when my son was acting up, I just threw an eight ball of coke at his face in anger. To my surprise, it calmed him right down. He started behaving like a good boy. I started experimenting, and soon my son was getting straight As in schools and our trailer was the cleanest on the lot."

Earl wrote a book about his experience, “High Families: How to Raise Good Children with the Help of Cocaine and Prostitutes”. The book was a surprise hit, and quickly sold out across the nation. “The cocaine and hookers family plan works,” says Earl. “Sure, it’s not pretty, but life rarely is. The truth is, kids like cocaine and they like getting laid. Even girls like sex — don’t think you’re daughter will turn down a night a well hung stud. There’s no romance in the boudoir, especially when cocaine is involved."

Parents in Montreal are raving about the excellent results they’ve been getting with the Earl’s cocaine and hookers method to raising children. “My son use to be at the bottom of his class,” says desperate housewife Vivian Calice. “Today, he has straight As and was recently accepted to Harvard University. That never would have happened without the help of cocaine and whores."

Dr. Thibault says that parents are sacrificing the long term health of their children for short term gains in behaviour and academic performance. “Children who are raised on a steady diet of cocaine and commodified sex will probably grow up to be dysfunctional,” says Dr. Thibault. “We don’t know. No research has ever been done on the subject. We are in uncharted, drug fuelled territory."

Ravers who are tired of dancing while standing have cause to celebrate — in a few months, Montreal will be hosting Ground Fest, the world’s first ever ground party. “Standing is overrated,” says event organizer Edsel Andrews. “We wanted to shake up the party world by bringing it back down to earth. At Ground Fest, people are forbidden from dancing while standing. Anyone who break’s that rule will be kicked out with extreme and possibly violent prejudice. If you want to get your groove on, you’ll have to do it by lying down and wriggling on the ground."

Tickets for the event have already sold out, as party goers hungry for something different bought them up in record time. “I think it’s a fantastic idea,” says 32 year old fluffer Luke Magnon, “the most enjoyable activities already involve lying down. Sex, cuddling, being beaten by the police, none of those involve standing up. People complain that parties haven’t evolved, so it’s always nice when someone tries something different. I’m excited to experience raving from an horizontal perspective. What does dancing feel like when you’re on your back? That’s a question I look forward to answering."

Edsel says the idea for Ground Fest came after witnessing an online video of a man in Goa who danced like a manic while lying flat on his back. “He looked like he was having so much fun,” says Edsel. “And I thought, you know, we should try that in Montreal. We should try dancing without our butts ever leaving the ground. Let’s shake our asses, not in the air, but in the dirt."

Since no one has ever organized a party quite like Ground Fest, no one knows what to expect. “I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a lot of sex,” says Luke. “After all, if dancing is a vertical expression of an horizontal desire, as Robert Frost claims, then what happens if we just jump right to the horizontal position?"

Edsel says if the party if a success, she’ll organize more. “I’d love to have an outdoor ground party during winter,” says Edsel. “It’d be like snow angels, techno, and frostbite all mixed together into wonderful mix."

Can you live off a diet of dubstep and despair? 33 year old unemployed screw-up Jason Dwyer has decided to find out. “I woke up yesterday and realized that I didn’t need to eat food anymore, I didn’t need to drink water anymore, I didn’t need any of that nonsense,” says Jason. “All I ever needed was dubstep and despair."

Starting effective immediately, Jason will no longer go to work, bathe, or even get out of bed. “All I’m going to do is listen to dubstep while stewing in my own quiet desperation,” says Jason. “As far as life plans go, I think this two step strategy of mine will lead to some very positive outcomes. I’m really excited at what my future holds."

Lisa Lannigan, Jason’s ex-girlfriend, agrees. “I've always worried that he wouldn’t find his way in life,” says Lisa, “but now that he’s found his purpose, I find him so much more attractive. His new found ambition turns me on and really gets me going. I think I might have been wrong about breaking up with him."

Henry Dwyer, Jason’s 65 year old father, is happy that his son has finally figured life out. “I’m glad he’s found a goal worth pursuing,” says Henry. “It takes a special kind of bravery to dedicate your life to listening to dubstep while quietly wrestling with feelings of pain and hopelessness. I’m proud of my son, I’m proud of his courage, and I’m proud of the man he’s grown into. God bless him."

Jason is happy that people believe in him, but he doesn’t think that his mission will be an easy one. “My goal will require hard work and dedication, but I’m committed to seeing it through. I promise to spend waking hour of my life to listening to dubstep while feeling a deep sense of despair."

A new trend is unsettling party goers across the island of Montreal, and party promoter Bayle Xenon says people are going to have to get used to it. “Yes, we are seeing the first bionic ravers enter the party scene,” says Bayle. “People are now resorting to weird, technological bioimplants to improve their raving experience. They’re literally turning themselves into party machines."

The Bionic Raver movement is still young, but it’s impact is quickly being felt. “Last time I went to a party, I saw a woman who’s skin glowed in the dark,” says 23 year old raver Patricia Arquette. “She had implanted some kind of protein that made skin look radioactive when the lights are turned off. She was a mutant. Who messes with their body like that?"

Glow in the dark ravers are just the beginning. Soon, we can expect ravers with all sorts of artificial limbs and powers. “I know a mad inventor in California who's working on a crazy bionic implant,” says Bayle. “It measures your adrenaline levels and whenever your energy starts to sag, it injects a smart drug called modafinil directly into your blood. Soldiers use that to stay up for days during critical missions where sleeping might get you killed. Soon people will use robotic modafinil delivery systems to be non stop dancing machines who can party for days and days without having to sleep."

That’s not the only bionic implant. “I saw another raver at a party who had a camera grafted to the back of her head,” says Patricia. “It was wired to her occipital cortex and gave her 360 degree vision. She could see things from the back of her hair. She said she got it so that she could experience new ways of dancing."

Bionic freaks will become increasingly common at Montreal parties, and many ravers don’t know how they feel about it. “We’re going to replaced by cyborgs,” says Bayle. “Soon there will be parties that you can only attend if your body has been upgraded with robotic enhancements. We’re ravers 1.0 and we’re becoming obsolete."

Montrealers are scratching their heads as a Chinese funeral practice makes it way to the city. More and more people are hiring strippers and DJs to work at funerals in order to ensure that people actually show up. “The funeral business is getting cut-throat,” says mortician Maggy Morgana. “It used to be that people would show up at your funeral out of a sense of moral obligation, but as our civilizations becomes increasingly decadent and corrupt, more and more of us simply can’t be bothered to show up at the funerals of our friends and family. Enter the Funeral Media Entertaintment complex. Now, if you want people to visit you before you’re buried, you need to entice them with strippers and techno music."

The practice of hiring funeral strippers got so out of hand that the Chinese government had to ban the practice. “Even though it’s against the law in mainland China, that hasn’t stopped people from pimping out funerals,” says Maggy. “Dying is boring, so it’s perfectly natural that people would want to dress it up with tits, ass, and EDM."

The rise of pimped out funerals has given birth to an entirely new form of partying known as funeral crashing. “Funeral crashing is like wedding crashing but with naked women, good music, and dead bodies,” says 23 year old professional funeral crasher Monty Cantsin. “The great thing about funeral crashing is that people die everyday, which means that the parties never end. I love the fact that people are pimping out funerals. It means i’ll never get bored again."

People have become so obsessed with decking out the funerals of loved ones, that DJ business is booming. “I used to have a lot of trouble making ends meet,” says DJ Spankeriffic, “but thanks to this new funeral trend, i’m booked seven days a week. Sometimes i even play multiplie funerals in a single day. I love funerals man. Funerals used to be dull, but now they’re hardcore."

Not everyone is a fan of this new trend, however. Rev. Noah Phillips says he thinks it’s sacrilegious. “We truly are living in the end of times,” says the reverend. “When people take pleasure in morbidity, what hope does our society have?"

Religion in Quebec isn’t dead, but it continues to struggle as people across the province turn their backs on faith, causing countless churches to shutter their doors in the face of heathenism.

Despite the stunning collapse of religion in Quebec, not all churches are in trouble. Some of them are doing blockbuster business, as people who are struggling to find meaning in their lives turn to lesser known faiths for their salvation.

The success of Rev. Pierre Grossekeu of the Cathedral of the Golden Phallus shows that religion doesn’t have to die out, it can still prosper, even in a secular society like ours. The reverend has seen the popularity of his cathedral explode over the last five years, as Montrealers thirsty for the seed of faith flock to his church in growing numbers.

“We’re having trouble accommodating all the people who want to attend our services,” says the reverend. “We attribute the massive success of our church to our raver outreach program. Every month, we throw a free EDM party where young people can come and dance to good music while learning about the glories of living a just and compassionate life based on moral rectitude and rock hard cocks. We lure them in with a chance to shake their ass to some fantastic techno music, but we capture their hearts with our message of divine love. The penis is peace. The penis is joy. The penis is glory. Amen."

The Cathedral of the Golden Phallus isn’t Montreal’s only penis worshipping church.
The Temple of Priapus, to name one example, has been around for decades and has chapters across North America. “We’re not affiliated with the Temple of Priapus,” says the Reverend. “We consider our own church part of the Christian faith. We may both worship the cock, and we may both believe in the divinity of the phallus, but that’s where our similarities end. Our church, for one, believes that Jesus Christ inhabits every penis and that drinking male semen is the true way of eating the holy host. By accepting a penis into your mouth, you accept Jesus into your heart. It’s a belief that resonates with a lot of young people. We put sex front and centre at our church. Sex is good, sex is god."

Ravers who are interested in cock worship can attend the Cathedral’s next party June 23rd at City Hall’s Roche Dure complex.

Feminists have struck up an alliance with poorly endowed men as both groups are outraged by promotor Shawn Banquise’s Big Dicks Big Tits Party. “I have a thing for women with really large breasts,” says Shawn, “and I happen to know that many large breasted women have a thing for men with really large penises. I decided to throw a party that would bring both groups together. Big Dicks, Big Tits is the first party in the world that helps size queens meet chest fiends."

Melissa Mammaire, a busty DD beauty and proud size queen, says she’s happy that someone is finally organizing parties for women like her. “When you go to a club, you never know how well endowed the men are going to be until you bring them back home,” says Melissa. “At a Big Dicks Big Tits event, all the men have to show their erect penises to the bouncer before they’re allowed to enter. There’s no surprises at these parties, all the men are packing heat, and all the women have ample mounds. If you like big tits and you have a big dick, or vice versa, you’re going to have a good time."

Feminists and men with small penises find the parties offensive and degrading to women. “I am thoroughly outraged by the way Shawn Banquise is objectifying the delicate female sex with a coarse event that embodies toxic yet well endowed masculinity,” says Shiro LeCavalier, a 32 year old journalist. “I am angry and upset that we live in a society that tolerates these events and even more angry that I am not allowed to attend."

Many regular men are saddened that they can’t attend the Big Dicks Big Tits party, but most of them take it in stride. “Eh, the average size penis is 6 inches,” says averagely endowed McGale student Pierce Broggan. “I don’t think we should get upset if some women get turned on by large penises or if some men get turned on by large racks. In the event, I think there’s enough sexual variety in the world for everyone to find a partner that satisfies them, and I’m happy that we live in a society where people have the freedom to pursue the things that attract them. Yes, Montreal now has Big Dicks Big Tits party. Big deal. Instead of protesting these events, why not organize alternatives. Host a Small Dicks, Flat Chests party or a Ugly People are Beautiful event. Whatever floats your boat."

Activists and poorly endowed men say that this line of thinking is dangerous. “If lesbians can get off without using a penis, why does it matter if my member is only two inches?” asks Shiro. “I think it’s offensive that men objectify women’s chests and I think it’s offensive that women discriminate against men with tiny penises. It’s not our fault, we were just born that way. The government needs to make sexual discrimination based on chest & penis size illegal. Everyone’s entitled to love."

Years ago, the team at Ravenews had a silly dream — to create a site that made fun of the journalists who pushed exaggerated stories about the dangers of raving. Ravenews has never been a real news site. Our stories might be truthy, but they’re never true. They’re nonsense. Each article we write is really a commentary on the vapidness of the mainstream media. We make fun of moral panics. Ravenews is our way of pissing on the professional journalists who demonize partying in pursuit of easy outrage.

Journalists sell fear to the rich and to the bourgeoisie. Who are they afraid of?

You.

People who don’t follow the rules, who colour outside the lines, who dress a little weird and who listen to loud music.

You frighten the ruling class.

We wish were joking.

You terrify them so much, they won’t even let you dance in public.

Late last month, the organizer of Montreal’s weekly Music @ The Gazebo event was told by bureaucrats at city hall that he would have to shut it down. He has spent years organizing these free events to help promote local DJs. After speaking with city officials, the organizer was left with the impression that while they appreciated his efforts and would enjoy working with him on other events, they didn’t appreciate the crowd he was currently attracting.

In other words, if the Music @ The Gazebo dance gatherings were attracting wealthy yuppies, the kind of people with money to burn, they might not have been cancelled. The city claims they’re shutting the event down because it was too noisy. Anyone who has ever been to one of the Gazebo events knows that you can barely hear the music once you reach the sidewalk.

The problem isn’t that the events were too noisy — the problem is that the people making the noise were too poor. Not all sounds are created equally, some are more equal than others. In Montreal, the rich can be as loud as they want, but the poor need to know their place.

When the poor dance and the working class shake their ass, the bureaucrats at city hall clutch their pearls and scream “Ben non, on peux pas laisser les pauvres danser!”.

The Gazebo events attracted a wide range of people. Not everyone was poor or working class, but enough of the people dancing their butts by the Gazebo were too rough around the edges for the haughty functionaries that have shut the event down. There is a political dimension to noise. A class division we often ignore. It’s there, even if we don’t want to face it.

Noise is good. Noise is healthy. Everyone, and we mean everyone, has the right to rise up and shout their truths at the world, regardless of their race, their creed, their gender, their sexual orientation, or the size of their damn bank account.

The parks of Montreal do not belong to the people at city hall. They do not belong to the elected representatives who claim to act on our behalf while always acting in their own self-interest. They do not belong to the business tycoons bent on commodifying every last drop of freedom we have left.

They belong to all of us, but only if we’re willing to loudly assert our common ownership of these public spaces.

The Gazebo has been silenced for now, but we hope that the people who used to attend the event will continue spending their Sundays at the mountain. You don’t need speakers to be loud. And we want you to be loud enough so that the city knows you won’t be silenced.

Make your own music and sing your own truths. And if the city comes to kick you out, ask yourself this one question: if they’re this afraid of you dancing, how terrified must they be of you marching?

19 year old McGale student Merrelyn Vanderschmittle woke up to an unpleasant surprise Sunday morning when she discovered a balloon full of cocaine on her front balcony. “I had no idea what to do with it,” says Merrelyn. “I was worried that if I called the cops, I’d get arrested. I was going to flush it down the toilet, but even that made me nervous."

Eventually, though, Merrelyn settled on calling the police with her discovery. It turns out, she wasn’t the first person to call the police about balloons full of drugs. “Apparently, dozens of people across the city had also reported drug balloons to the police,” says Merrilyn. “Montreal sure is weird."

Sgt. Peralta of the Montreal Police agrees. “This city certainly is bizarre,” says Sgt. Peralta. “Someone, for some reason, unleashed hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of drugs into helium balloons at some point last week. They finally started falling back to earth all across the city. We’re not sure how many balloons were launched. We don’t even know why they were launched or who would benefit from such an outlandish and expensive project."

No one knows who sent out the helium drug balloons, but people across the city have been out hunting for them en masse. “I found a balloon with a thousand dollars worth of LSD in it,” says 23 year old drug enthusiast Keith Beaubien. “I’m never going to have to buy LSD again. I’ve got enough to last me a life time. It’s fantastic. I don’t know who the mystery drug balloon man is, but I’d like to thank him from the bottom of my drugged out little heart."

The police for their part are warning Montrealers not to keep the balloons they find. “Just because you found the drugs, doesn’t mean you get to keep them,” says Sgt. Peralta. “Drugs are still illegal. They’re bad, mm’kay. We’re asking everyone who comes across one of these balloons to immediately contact us. We’ll make sure to safely dispose of the illegal narcotic."

A disconcerting trend has hit Montreal’s party scene, as more and more promoters have decided to ban ravers from attending their events. Following in the wake of several high profile drug related deaths at BIPLO, America’s largest and most successful electronic music festival, promoters are closing ranks and shutting raver outs.

“We don’t have a choice in the matter,” says Montreal event organize Jessica Jazhanns. “After the BIPLO deaths, the police are cracking down hard on parties again. It almost feels like the hysteria of 1999 is back in full swing. In order to throw our events unmolested by the police, we’ve had to throw ravers under the bus."

Starting this summer, nearly all major promoters in Montreal will ban people from wearing raver related fashion staples at their events. “We can’t realistically stop ravers from attending our events,” says Jessica. “But we can force them to wear normal people clothing."

That mans no more masks, no drugs, no bongs, no led gloves, no pacifiers, no eye drop, no fun fur pants, no stuffed animal, no fake animal tails or ears, no machetes or syringe needles. “Seriously, when the hell did ravers start carrying machetes around,” asks Jessica. “It’s bad enough they’re always taking drugs and dancing like lunatics, but now they’ve started waving around machetes like they’re glowsticks."

Some people believe that machete waving might have been the straw that broke the raver’s back. “I don’t think the people at BIPLO would have died if they hadn’t attacked each other with machetes,” says 45 year old psytrance fanatic Harry Oldman. “Sure, they only attacked each other because they were high on bath salts, but would they have been successful in killing each other if they didn’t also have machetes on hand? I don’t think so. Raving isn’t what it used to be. Back in my day, ravers were are all about PLUR, not bath salts and machete mayhem."

The perpetually lonely and hopelessly single are about to have their prayers answered once Montreal’s inaugural Marriage Party kicks off this weekend. The event is the first of its kind in North America, a party that guarantees a marriage partner to anyone who walks through the door.

“Walk in single and you’ll leave in matrimonial bliss,” says Ginette Haberno, the event’s organizer. “Everyone who wants a partner will get a partner. Come to get married, stay for the psytrance.”

Ginette says the idea for her event came to her while watching a documentary on Russian mail-order brides. “I realized that you don’t need love to cure loneliness, you just need a warm body,” says Ginette. “And that’s what my marriage party is all about. Romantic love is a recent western invention. It’s only a few hundred years old, if that. In the past, people didn’t get married for love, they got married because it made their lives easier. And I think a lot of Montrealers are hungry for what marriage used to be about: a simple partnership between two people. The truth is, it’s easier to grow to love someone than it is to fall in love with them. If you spend enough time with someone, you’ll fall for them. That’s a fact."

Ginette says the rules of her marriage party are simple. “If you attend the party, you don’t get a say in who you marry, that’s up to our psytrance DJs,” says Ginette. “The moment you hit the dance floor, the DJs will start telling you who to dance with, and the moment they find a dance partner that you look good with, bang. You get married. On the spot. We have a priest who will rush on to the dance floor and officiate the marriage right then and there. Instant marriage. And of course, after you get married, you can keep dancing! It’s like the proposal, the marriage, and the honeymoon all wrapped in one delicious event."

Tickets only cost $40. You can buy yours at Le Petit Manchild Adult Daycare Centre.

Police are warning Montreal property owners to be wary of using vacation rental services in the wake of arresting Philip Pepinau, a notorious drug dealer who has used several dozen apartments across Montreal as meth labs.

“Mr. Pepinau has spent the last four years in Montreal turning short-term rental properties into make shift meth labs,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta of the SPVM. “He used GroundBnB and similar services to find suitable locations to cook up crystal meth. He would rent these apartment out for a period two weeks to two months, make several batches of poor man’s cocaine, then pack up and scout for a new location. This went on a very long time. We are working to figure out which apartments have been rented out by Mr. Pepinau in order to inform their owners about the health risks they now pose."

Police say short term rental services have enabled an entirely new class of criminal activity. “In the past, meth dealers would often struggle to find suitable locations for their dastardly deeds,” says Sgt. Peralta. “These days however, all you need to be successful as an evil chemist is an internet browser and a bit of patience, and before you know it, you too can be baking chicken feed in a total stranger’s apartment. The internet has enabled evil and empowered evil doers."

GroundBnB says that police concerns are overblown. “Okay, yah, some of our members use our apartments to make crystal meth, that’s not a big deal” says spokesperson Hetalia Denada. “It really doesn’t happen all that often. According to our in-house statistics, only one out twenty rentals involve drug dealers. Those are very good odds, much better than Russian roulette."

Melissa Babillard, a former GroundBnB hostess, says she now suffers from a host pulmonary issues after her apartment was rented out to Mr. Pepinau. “My entire apartment was contaminated by that meth lab. I ended up having to move out. Worst of all, GroundBnB hasn’t offered us any help. If you read their terms of service, they explicitly state they’re not liable if a renter turns your apartment into a meth lab."

“That’s right,” says Hetalia. “People really should read the terms of services they agree too."

Montreal DJ Kalisi Drokko was arrested over the weekend for playing 'Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting' at Les Tetons Atomique dance club. “In 2011, a British performer at a pub on the Isle of Wight was arrested for playing the song after a Chinese passer-by took offence,” says Les Tetons Atomique owner Vanessa Vanasse. “That’s not why DJ Kalisi Drokko was arrested. No, she was arrested because the song just isn’t that good. She shouldn’t have played it. She made a bad call and now she has to pay for her crime."

Under Quebec’s recently passed Aural Menace Act, DJs can be arrested for playing awful music. “Quebec is one of the first jurisdictions in the world to take aural hygiene seriously,” says Action Socratique M.P Bell Goodland. “The science is conclusive, the sounds we hear in our day to day lives play an immensely important role in regulating our well being. Good music leads to well behaved citizens who are at one with their society, bad music leads to social degeneracy, murder, and soft core pornography. We need to protect ourselves from the consequences of awful songs."

DJ Kalisi Drokko is the first person to be arrested under the act, but won't be the last. "Years ago, such a law would have been considered illiberal, even fascist, but these days laws that limit artistic freedom are championed by people on both the left and right," says professional twitter user Kyle Bonderblach. "Now we understand that artistic freedom is bad for society. We need to place real limits on what people are allowed to say, think, create, and consume. If we don’t set firm boundaries on culture, society will collapse under the chaos and cacophony of free expression. When people are free, they're free to be racist, they're free to be sexist, they're free to be unpleasant, they're free to hurt our feelings, they're free to menace our ears with unpleasant sounds. I like freedom, but not that kind of freedom. This is an issue that both progressives and conservatives now agree on. It's time to limit culture. Quebec's Aural Menace Act is a step in the right direction."

The federal NDP announced today that if elected, they would seek to implement a progressive tax on high tempo electronic music. The proposal, which was met with a mix of skepticism and support, would tax venue owners and party organisers based on the average BPM of the music played during their events. While many people are familiar with the concept of a carbon tax, the idea of a BPM-based tax has never been brought up by any political party before.

Suzanne Pinko-Schultz, MP for the electoral district of Medicine Hat, described the tax as “... a way to fund public services by making it more expensive to throw the kinds of events that play the most damaging genres of music.” She added, “It’s well-known that the health risks associated with raving increase as the speed of the music increases. Brain damage, neck injuries, hearing damage, twisted ankles, drug overdoses, all of these are more likely to occur as tempos increase. Taxing these venues based on these scientific facts just makes sense. It’s about time we woke up and realized what this music is doing to our community and did something about it. Hopefully, these increased costs will force DJs and promoters to think about the damage they’re doing to the planet and the people that live on it.”

Conservatives have already begun to comment publicly on the proposal, describing it as “misguided”, “foolish” and “some wacko communist nonsense”. Richard Knobb, economic strategist for the Conservative Party, was quoted telling a room of Tory supporters, “The economy is doing fantastic under the Conservatives. To even think about raising taxes, let alone creating a new tax, just makes me sick. I seriously want to puke. Increasing taxes during a time of prosperity just diminishes people’s motivation to succeed financially, which hurts the economy. It’s simple economics, but the New Democrats would rather have you believe that paying more taxes is somehow beneficial to you. If there’s such a thing as a good reason to raise taxes, I haven’t heard it.” A supporter in the crowd shouted out, “Right on! Why should I have to pay more just because I like drum and bass!?”, to which Mr Knobb responded, “I don’t know what that is.”

Danny Alvarez, a spokesperson for the recently formed DJ union DJ Direct Action, wrote in an open letter to the NDP: “...a tempo tax will unfairly and disproportionately affect fans of certain genres such as hardcore, speedcore and gabber, who are already among the most disenfranchised people in our society. The average speedcore DJ is already well below the poverty line, and now they want to extract more money out of them just because of the music they happen to enjoy? Just take a look at the people on a gabber dancefloor. Do they honestly look like they have any room in their budget for more taxes? Do you think it’s reasonable to take more away from those who clearly have so little?” Debra Drevor, a recently suspended NDP MLA, appeared to disagree with the sentiment of the letter, tweeting, “if u have money 2 spend on gabber, u clearly have 2 much money. it’s time for you to pay your #fairshare”.

Ravers have reacted to the proposal with disapproval and harsh words for the NDP. Longtime junglist Mike Crustington told Rave News, “It’s a bunch of bullshit, is what it is. I’m not going to pay for this shit. Those clowns can tax it all they want, I don’t even care. I won’t fucking pay it. You can lock me up and I’ll still skank the fuck out in my jail cell. I’ll be throwing up gunfingers with Martha Stewart and Wesley Snipes before I let them take any more of what’s rightfully mine.”

Menses Fest is getting rave reviews from Montreal party goers of all genders and orientations. “It’s the most primal gathering I’ve ever attended,” says 19 year old Menses fan Claudia Quim. “Imagine shaking your ass on a dance floor that’s red with human blood. It’s amazing! Everyone should experience that sensation at least once."

Free bleeding parties might be new to Montreal, but they’ve been going on since time immemorial. In their most recent incarnation, women who are on their periods wear shirts, skirts, and nothing else as they connect with the mother goddess through great music, great food, and the love of sisterhood.

“This isn’t just about celebrating womanhood,” says Menses Fest organizer Kiki Plaute. “This is about celebrating the human body, it’s about affirming that there’s nothing any of us have to be ashamed of when it comes to this vessel of ours that we were born into. So many women are taught to feel ashamed of their bodies, and Menses Fest is a giant fuck you to that nonsense. We are who are and if you have a problem with, we’ll bleed all over your face."

Party goer Henry Von Morganberg agrees with that attitude. “I'm 5'3 and have a small penis,” says Henry. “Should I be ashamed of that? No, I don’t think so. No one should be ashamed of what the mother goddess gave us. We should embrace who we are and see the beauty in our bodies. Life is far too short to spend any energy on being anxious over people’s opinions of what our bodies should be like. When I see these girls bleeding all over the place like Mother Earth intended, it makes me happy. They’re living their own truths in open defiance of a world that would have them kneel and conform to arbitrary standards of beauty and hygiene."

Kiki says she looks forward to organizing next years Menses fest. “My hope is that more and more women will adopt the free bleeding lifestyle. Get rid of your tampons, ditch your pads, toss out your diva cups. Go out there and bleed. Once you let your blood touch the ground, you’ll be amazed at how connected you feel to the world."

Two 16-year-old students at École Secondaire Boisvert were arrested on Thursday afternoon after they admitted to spiking their teacher’s coffee with LSD last week.

The students drugged their professor at the beginning of their home economics lesson, causing the man to have a psychotic breakdown during class. He ended up jumping off the roof of the school which left him two broken legs.

The moment doctors realized the teacher had been drugged, the police were called. Realizing the severity of the situation they were in, it didn't take long for the culprits to confess to their misdeeds.

The students are currently being held at juvenile hall pending a hearing on Monday. Prosecutors have yet to determine what the pair will charged with, though their parents are already pleading for leniency.

“Unfortunately, this isn't the first time that students have spiked a teacher’s drink with drugs, and it’s not going to be the last,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta of the Montreal Police. “It's a common way for students to get back at their teachers. I don’t think a month goes by where a teacher somewhere in North America has an unwanted adventure on LSD. Children are woefully uninformed as to the kind of psychological damage non-consensual drug use can do to a person."

Drug counselor Mabis Zafir agrees. “I think schools need to start teaching teenagers the real deal when it comes to drug use and abuse,” says Mabis. “Right now, a lot of kids treat taking drugs like it’s a video game. It isn't. People can get hurt if you’re not careful. We need to arm students with knowledge about set and setting, about the right way and the wrong way to do drugs. Taking LSD can be a lot of fun, but only if you consent to it, and only if you’re mindful of the mindset you’re in when you take and the setting you’re in when you’re on it. If the students who spiked that teacher’s coffee knew of the importance of set and setting, they would have thought twice before doing what they did. I don’t think they meant to cause harm, they were just ignorant, and we as a society share blame for their ignorance."

Many Boisvert students agree. “I’d love it if they taught us how to do drugs at school,” says 17-year-old student Grace Kellogs. “That would be so cool."

Thousands of ravers across Quebec are indulging in a new and perplexing fad: they’re tossing salad in order to get high. Some say it’s just a hoax, but many others swear that it works. “I don’t care what Snopes says, I don’t care what the Society of Quebecois Skeptics says, I don’t care what doctors say,” says 18 year old high school drop-out Milaine Maribou, “tossing salad definitely gets you high. I do it all the, and it always ends up with me tripping balls."

The act of salad tossing, a slang term for licking a person’s anus, has long been the butt of many jokes. Only recently, however, has salad tossing taken on a nearly religious fervour among teenagers. “Most teenagers would rather toss each other’s salad than spend time on Facebook, Snapchat, Tumblr, or any of those other social media sites,” says teenageologist Mary Chapeau. “Salad tossing is to today’s teenager what going to the mall was to teenagers in the 1980s. While I personally don’t think tossing salad will get you high, if you look at it from a sociological point of view, it makes sense that teenagers would imbue the act with mystical meaning. Every generation creates new ways to both rebel against authority and to establish status among their peers. These ritual forms of both rebellion and communion often take religious undertones, even in a secular society such as our own. In effect, it’s not the act of anus licking itself that is causing teenagers to get high, it’s their belief in the magical properties of the act that causes those drug like sensations. The ritual is a kind of placebo."

Chibougameau University biology teacher Barryl Hogwits disagrees. “Many sociologists often try to explain human behaviour without bothering to understand the biochemical basis of many of our actions,” says Barryl. “In recent years, we’ve discovered that human anal glands secrete a chemical compound that has similar properties as THC. Consuming this secretion orally will, in fact, produce a small buzz. It’s not as intense as smoking a joint, but it’s still pretty pleasant. You’ll get a much more powerful high if you snort it, though."

Barryl says people shouldn’t be disgusted by the sometimes magical properties of anal glands. “It might sound disgusting, but the fact is, nearly everyone in the West has consumed animal anal juice at one point in their life,” says Barryl. “For example, castoreum is a commonly used flavouring product in foods. It’s made out of beaver anal glands. Anyone who has ever eaten vanilla ice cream has consumed beaver anal glands. If you didn’t find that disgusting, why should licking someone's anus be any different?"

Nearly three quarters of EDM fans have STDs say researchers at the Montreal Urban Disease Command And Control Centre.“We’ve been collecting data for the last five years,” says lead researcher Dr. Yoga Biddleson, “and the results are conclusive. An overwhelming majority of people who listen to EDM have at least one sexually transmitted disease. Most have several. The numbers are shocking. Aids, gonorrhoea, herpes, HPV, you name it, EDM lovers have it. Hell, our numbers suggest that syphilis now exclusively targets techno enthusiasts. Everyone in Montreal who has syphilis has been to a rave in the last twelve months."

Dr. Biddleson’s research is the first to prove a conclusive link between EDM and STD rates. “According to our research, someone who listens to techno is five times more likely to have an STD than a gay heroin addict who shares needles at a bareback orgy,” says Dr. Biddleson. “Techno enthusiasts are, effectively, the most disease ridden members of society. Someone who spent every waking hour of every single day shooting heroin while operating a glory hole in a dingy back alley in Mile End would still be a safer sexual partner than your typical raver."

No one knows why EDM and STDs go together like bread and butter. “The link doesn't exist for other music genres. STD rates and techno music are linked in ways that suggest there’s something special about it that makes people susceptible to getting an STD. We believe that techno music might weaken the human immune system” says Dr. Biddleson, “more research is needed before we can fully understand the relationship between the two, however. In the mean time, we ask that people be extra careful when having sex with anyone who has ever been to a Skrillex concert. If you’re on a date with someone, ask them if they listen to EDM before bringing them back home. If they say yes, please know that there’s a good chance that they’ll give you aids."

21-Year-Old Olympic gymnast Patricia Roquette was admitted to the St-Lawrence General Hospital late Saturday night with life threatening injuries she received during a bar altercation at Les Tetons Atomique. The gold medal winning athlete had apparently triggered a group of women with her svelte frame and incredibly toned body.

“Several women at Les Tetons Atomique became angry at Patricia because she was just too hot,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta. “They felt that her body was too fit for the public, and that she should have been wearing more clothing so as to not to inspire shame in the other women attending the bar."

Witnesses say the altercation soon devolved into violence. “The women approached Patricia and told her she should be ashamed of her body,” says Les Tetons Atomique regular Louis Dinofrio. “When Patricia told them to get lost, they started screaming at her, calling her a misogynist, telling her that her fashion sense, exercise regimen, and commitment to living a healthy and active lifestyle was triggering them."

The angry women then hit Patricia over the head with a beer bottle and started kicking her. “It got ugly fast,” says Louis. “A bunch of us at the bar intervened and separated Patricia from her attackers, but by then a lot of damage had already been done."

Activists online celebrated Patricia’s brutal beating, calling it a step in the right direction. “Fit women who exercise regularly need to feel ashamed of their bodies,” says activist Leah Crotteu. “For far too long, overweight people who don’t exercise have been on the receiving end of a great deal of emotional abuse in our society. Now it’s payback time. Fit bitches need to suffer for their sins. All bodies are beautiful except skinny ones."

Sgt. Peralta asks that skinny people cover up their bodies while in public, lest they incur the wrath of angry activists. “It’s better to be safe than sorry,” says Sgt. Peralta. “I’d also recommend not telling anyone you go to the gym and if you’re on a diet, please keep it to yourself, since sharing that information might trigger fat people."

Several Montreal clubs are under fire this week after installing water cannons that attack homeless people that are on their property. “I think blasting homeless people with an industrial strength water cannon is in bad taste,” says urban planner Bigwell Grandy. “Just because drenching the downtrodden with a torrent of freezing cold water isn’t illegal doesn’t mean that it’s ethical. It’s not."

It might not be ethical but spraying homeless people with water is an increasingly popular technique that many establishments throughout North America have begun adopting. “We didn’t come up with this idea ourselves,” says Melanie Bertrandelle, the president of the Montreal Alcoholic Society, an institution that represents 45 clubs and bars across the city. “We were looking for help in dealing with the homeless problem plaguing many of the business we represent when we discovered the Indigent Dispersal Cannon. This is a system of internet enabled water cannons that are operated by the San Francisco Religious Foundation. The way it works is that automatic censors trigger the moment a homeless person is suspected of being on a given property, which then sends videos to a list of SFRF volunteers who determine whether or not there’s a homeless person on your property. If there is, the volunteers turn on the hose until the homeless people run off. It’s a brilliant system."

Jeeves Vondersmidt, a spokesperson for the SFRF, says that their cannons are doing gods work. "15% of the proceeds we make on the cannons goes to funding Christian iPhone apps that spread the gospel," says Jeeves. “Our Indigent Dispersal Cannon makes it a breeze to cleanse your property of the filthy unwashed vermin that god hasn’t gotten around to smiting. Not only that, but when you buy one of our systems, you help fund soul saving iOS software. It’s a win/win situation."

Jeeves says that the SFRF invented their Indigent Dispersal System in order to manage all the homeless people who kept trespassing on to church property in the Bay area. “San Francisco is very expensive,” says Jeeves. “So we have a lot of homeless people who don’t realize that they’re unimportant. Our water cannon helps them realize that even God doesn’t care for the homeless."

Irvin Meloche, the proprietor of the St-Denis bar Mamelon Atomique, says he doesn’t regret installing the devices. “I think the SFRF are a little crazy,” says Irvin. “But their water cannons really work. I sympathize with the plight of the homeless, I really do, but my club isn’t a hotel for the indigent. It’s for paying customers. In the past, my establishment has suffered considerable property damage at the hands of homeless vagrants. We tried getting city hall involved, we’ve called the police, we’ve spoken with politicians, and none of that has changed anything. Last month, one of our uninvited guests spread their feces all over the handles of our front door bar. We caught them on video. Should we tolerate that?"

Bigwell agrees that it’s not fair to club owners to handle the city’s homeless problem on their own. “Montreal needs to invest more money and resources into helping get people off the street,” says Bigwell. “I don’t fault these club owners for being frustrated with the city’s inaction, but that doesn’t excuse the extreme measures that they’ve taken. Soaking homeless people with water cannons isn’t right."

Jeeves disagrees. “Hosing the homeless isn’t just the right to do,” says Jeeves. “It’s our moral duty. We need to teach the poor that their poverty is a sign that god hates them."

DJs across Montreal are in talks to form North America’s first DJ Union. “The era of promoters taking advantage of us is coming to an end,” says union organizer DJ Direct Action, “The beats belong to those who produce them, those who mix them, those who match them. They don’t belong to the filthy capitalist dogs who command us, who profit from us even as we struggle to make ends meet. Thanks to our DJ Union, we’ll no longer have to subsist on ramen noodle and the tears of our groupies, now we’ll feast on caviar and foie gras. Long live the DJ Union! Long live the music mixers!"

Promoter Rex Rykers isn’t sure that a DJ Union will help people all that much. “I sympathize with those who want to organize a union,” says Rex, “but the fact remains that most promoters in Montreal are just as poor as the DJs they hire. EDM events rarely make bank in this city. There’s a reason most party promoters moonlight as escorts on their time off — if we weren’t whoring ourselves during the week, we wouldn’t be able to afford to throw parties on the week-end."

Rex thinks that instead of a union, DJs should consider copying promoters. “Instead of a union, DJs should embrace prostitution,” says Rex. “If it works for promoters, it will work for DJs too. Sell your body to feed your art. There’s no shame in it. It’s fun, it’s easy, and it’s good for the environment."

DJ Direct Action remains unconvinced. “Why should we whore out or bodies to the masses when we’re already whoring out our souls to promoters? No, it’s union or nothing at all,” says DJ Direct Action. “The time for revolution has come. The DJs are rising!"

A Gatineau area man has found himself unemployed after appearing in a televised interview in which he unabashedly described his love for happy hardcore music, Rave News has learned. Louis St-Ecstase, a 36-year-old Public Relations Agent, was let go from his 5 year position this past Monday, several days after he appeared in a segment on TVA focusing on rave culture in Quebec.

Mr. St-Ecstase was approached by a camera crew and reporter as he was leaving the scene of a rave that was being thrown in an abandoned Best Buy store. When asked about his motivations for attending the event and his feelings towards electronic dance music and the rave scene, he replied, “You know, not a lot of people understand raves, or ravers. There’s a lot of misconceptions that we’re only out here because we hate our lives, and we just want to get fucked up on drugs and drink ourselves to death one weekend at a time, and that’s just simply not true. Most of us are here because we love the music. We love to just feel the energy and good vibes around us, and we don’t all need drugs for that. I get my vibes from happy hardcore. It’s just the most uplifting thing for me - to me, happy hardcore is love. Happy hardcore is life.” The segment in question aired the following night and was seen by an estimated several dozen people.

When Mr. St-Ecstase arrived at work the following Monday, he was immediately pulled into a meeting room with his manager and a representative from the human resources department. “They told me, basically, that I had embarrassed the company and damaged their public image.” St-Ecstase said. “They informed me that I was being let go, with a standard severance package, and asked me to pack up my things and leave. There was absolutely no room for negotiation. In their eyes, the damage had already been done, and they had no choice but to distance themselves from me. I’m pretty sure if I had said I was at the rave to get high, everything would have been OK. I’m used to being treated poorly because of my love for happy hardcore, but this is a little ridiculous.”

We contacted Hydro-Quebec and asked them about the incident. In response, they released the following statement:

“As many of you are now aware, a Hydro-Quebec employee was recently terminated over controversial remarks he made on camera in the past few days. We would like to make it undoubtedly clear that the opinions expressed by Mr. St-Ecstase do not represent those of Hydro-Quebec, and that publically supporting such a blatantly offensive and distasteful style of music will not be tolerated by any of our employees, especially one tasked with improving the public image of the company. By openly associating himself with the happy hardcore movement, Mr. St-Ecstase has clearly demonstrated a shocking level of ineptitude regarding his role and responsibilities as a public relations agent. Not only have we terminated Louis, but an internal investigation has been launched to determine how such a deeply disturbed individual was ever employed by us for so long. We understand that it might take some time, but we hope that the public’s faith in us can be restored eventually. Although technically, it’s not like you have a choice in where you get your electricity from anyway.”

Marie Ginette, a 45 year old Montreal woman, was rushed to the hospital Tuesday morning after she was bitten by Yoga Biddleson, one of the city’s most controversial party promoters. “I saw the whole thing go down,” says witness Barryl Hogwits, who runs a bakery at the corner of Sherbrooke and McGill, where the attack took place. “The woman was walking her dog, a sweet little pomeranian, when that mad man jumped out of nowhere and started barking at her. She freaked out and looked really confused and that’s when he bit her right on the lip. It was gruesome. Blood started gushing all over the place. I’m trying to sell food to people, but who wants to buy a delicious blueberry muffin from me when there’s a person bleeding out on the sidewalk in front of my store?"

Police say it’s not the first time a party promoter has bitten someone. “Party promoters are vicious,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta of the Montreal Police. “There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Every day, someone gets bitten by a party promoter. No exception. We like to think they’re regular people, but they’re not. They’re feral. Like wolves. You can’t domesticate a party promoter. You can’t expect them to follow the rules. You can’t expect them to be well behaved. It’s not in their blood. If they’re not on a leash, someone will get hurt. That’s why police across the country have been lobbying all levels of government to take a hard look at Canada’s party promoter problem. We need new laws that will recognize that promoters aren’t people, they’re animals."

Party promoter Yoga Biddleson agrees. “I can’t help what I am,” says Yoga. “Sometimes, i just feel like chasing after things. If I see a car or a dog, I just want to chase it. It’s just this urge I get, like it’s really primal. And if anything gets in my way, I attack it."

Sgt. Peralta says that’s the problem. “Promoters shouldn’t go to jail for behaving like animals,” says Sgt. Peralta. “That’s what they are. We, as a society, have a duty to protect animal rights. We can’t do that if we treat animals as if they’re human beings. We need to realize that just because they look like people, doesn’t mean they actually are."

Some say that perhaps it’s time to just release the city's party promoters back into the woods of Quebec. “We’ve tried to live with them, and that hasn’t worked,” says animalogist Mary Chapeau. “Maybe it’s time we let this failed experiment go. I think party promoters would be a lot happier if they could go back to living in nature, as god intended. Let them run through the forests naked, living off squirrels and berries like they were born to do."

Police say Marie Ginette is expected to make a full recovery.

Quebec is aflutter amid rumours that former Prime Minister Pauline Marois is seriously considering a career as a Psytrance DJ. “I have it on good authority that Mme. Marois will be donning a set of headphones in the near future in order to indulge her one true passion, mixing trippy beats,” says Montreal psytrance promoter Yoga Biddleson. “It’s a little known secret, but I heard that Marois has always had a deep appreciation for the dark arts of beat matching."

During the 1990s, it’s alleged that Mme. Marois traveled throughout Europe hopping from one outdoor rave to another. “A friend of mine says she spent a summer tripping balls in Goa,” says Yoga. “Just dancing her ass off to authentic old-school psytrance."

That’s not the only time she spent in Goa claims her unofficial biographer, Vlad Depardieu. “My investigations suggest that Marois discovered her passion for Quebec independence after taking mushrooms in Goa during the fall of 1986. She was listening to Kraftwerk when she fell into a trance that opened her eyes to the true potential of the Quebec nation. After that, she didn’t want to just establish Quebec as a country in its own right, but to establish it as the first country on earth to full embody the spiritual values of techno music. Techno has a deep and beautiful religious tradition that many modern ravers aren't aware of, but Marois isn't a modern raver. She was among the first. She was there at the dawn of the techno age, and she made communion with the EDM gods."

Marois was a savvy politician however, and never made her intentions explicit. “No one would have taken her seriously had they known she was a techno loving Goa fiend,” says Vlad. “She kept that part of herself hidden as she climbed up the ranks. Now though, she has nothing left to lose, so she might as well enjoy the rest of her life spreading the Goa Gospel."

Many Quebecois can’t wait to hear her play. “I’m really looking forward to what her DJ name will be,” says Yoga. “I bet it’ll be something really cool."

Doctors are asking Montreal ravers to refrain from performing surgery on themselves after 21 year old Boris Melvin was rushed to a hospital on Thursday afternoon with life threatening injuries. “Mr. Melvin twisted his ankle at an underground party last Saturday,” says Dr. Gringas Khan of the Montreal General Welfare Hospital. “He was high on a variety of drugs, and in his drug induced haze, he had convinced himself that he would never dance again unless he performed surgery on himself. He thought he was a doctor. He was a lot of things, but he wasn't that."

After twisting his ankle, Mr. Melvin left the main venue, an underground tunnel in St-Henri, and found an abandoned area nearby where began his operation to devastating result. “He broke a beer bottle and then used a piece of sharp glass as a makeshift scalpel,” says Dr. Khan. "It’s a miracle that he didn’t die. He cut off several chunks of his own leg, right down to the bone. In the process, he lost his ability to walk as well as a great deal of blood. The fact that he didn’t bleed out beggars the imagination. A normal person would be dead. But Mr. Melvin is definitely not a normal person."

He was stranded for several days and is lucky to be alive. “Anyone who is hardy enough to perform surgery on themselves isn’t going to go down all that easily,” says Dr. Khan. “If Einstein had a baby with this guy, that baby would be both brilliant and indestructible. Sometimes good genes are wasted on stupid people."

By the time the police found Mr. Melvin, his wounds had become infested with maggots. “We received a phone call from his parents on Monday, and it took several days for us to piece together what had happened to him,” says Sgt. Mason Peralta of the Montreal police force. “We are thankful to the ravers who told us about the underground party’s location, otherwise there’s a very good chance Mr. Melvin wouldn’t be with us today."

Ravers, for their part, say that self-surgery isn’t likely to catch on. “Boris was always a bit weird,” says Tiffany Dyson, an ex-girlfriend. “Normal ravers like to pretend their chemists or psychiatrists, not surgeons. We try to improve our lives by using drugs we know nothing about, not by cutting off our ankles."

Tumblr will rename itself DaddyIssu.Es in a bold new marketing move, claims an anonymous source within Yahoo, the site’s parent company. “We’ve been having a hard time monetizing Tumblr,” says the source. “After a lot of internal debate, we realized the key to making Tumblr profitable is by appealing to its largest demographic: mentally ill teenage girls who hate their fathers. Our new name will capitalize on the fact that our site dominates this target niche. No other service on the internet even comes close. If you’re a young woman who hates her dad, chances are, you’re on Tumblr."

The name change isn’t the only thing that DaddyIssu.Es will be rolling out. “Now that we know our site caters to damaged teenage girls and emotionally damaged young women, we’ll be offering a host of tools to help marketers better reach our audience."

Who’s Your Daddy, the name of DaddyIssu.Es new marketing engine, uses sophisticated temperament analysis to display marketing ads when users of the service are at their most emotionally vulnerable. “Most of our users are just one bad blog post away from having a total nervous breakdown,” says the source. “If you’ve ever been on Tumblr, you’ll notice that the site is basically an insane asylum for rich white women who can’t stop freaking out. Our new advertising platform capitalizes on their emotional instability. These people are desperately lost and unhappy, and we’ve figured out how to help marketers capitalize on their despair, turning their pain into your money."

Several Montreal promoters have had access to the Who’s Your Daddy marketing engine, which is currently still in beta. “Wow, just wow," says club owner Richie McGinnes. “I’ve tried Adwords, I’ve tried regular SEO, I’ve tried a whole lot of things, but nothing, and I mean nothing, has had the kind of success that my Who’s Your Daddy campaign has had. Targeting broken peopled is good for business. My club has been booming since I started placing adds on the site. When you sit down and think about it, clubbing is especially popular with people who hate themselves and their parents, so I should’t be surprised. But I am. The results are just that impressive."

The Yahoo source says he’s heartened by the good results. “Right now, we’re rolling out the marketing engine to more and more people,” says the source. “We’ve found that it works especially well with companies that offer services or products that appeal to those who have no self-respect."

Le Petit Manchild, Montreal’s first adult preschool, will celebrate it’s grand opening on May 28th. “We’re so happy to play our part in the downfall of western civilization,” says Le Petit Manchild owner Patrice Lemattress. “Ever since we first heard about the existence of adult preschools, we knew we had to bring one to Montreal. It’s time our city recognizes that being a grown-up is so last millennium. Today, we’re all Peter Pan. We never have to escape childhood. We can remain young, dumb, and immature well into our golden years. And we should!"

Patrice says that Le Petit Manchild lets grown men and women get in touch with their inner toddlers. “It’s kindergarden for men with receding hairlines and women with menopause,” says Patrice. “Our studio is fully stocked with play-doh, fingerpaint, napping spaces, and a whole bunch of toys and games that will make you question why you ever took life seriously in the first place."

Patrice hopes Le Petit Manchild will encourage adults to let go of their dignity and pride. “For the low cost of $250 a month, anyone over the age of 25 can sign up and act like a four year old in our state of the art facilities,” says Patric. “They can yell and cry and pout and just be completely, totally, self-absorbed brats. It’s magical."

Patrice thinks that if enough people sign up for Adult Preschool, our civilization might finally collapse, ushering in a golden age of rape and pillaging. “Our business isn’t just an exercise in self-indulgent capitalism,” says Patrice. “We’re trying to make the world a better place by encouraging people to just give up on society so that we can finally return to the brutal subsistent lifestyle of our ancestors."

Le Petit Manchild is located in the heart of downtown at 1974B Turn Blvd.

Psychiatrists have long known that raving is today's leading cause of post traumatic stress disorder among men and women of all ages, but until 17-year-old Goss Morin came along, they didn’t have much success in getting the word out to the public. Goss has quickly become a famous public speaker for Rave Induced PTSD, a condition that afflicts hundreds of millions of people worldwide. He’s traveled around the globe giving speeches at hundreds of schools in dozens of countries.

Goss will in Montreal for the next two weeks on a whirlwind speaking tour that will see him drop by twenty schools in ten day. “I want to share my experiences with students so that they think twice before going to a rave,” says Goss. “It’s important that teenagers know the dangers of raving. It’s the number one cause of PTSD in the world. People are under the mistaken belief that veterans are the biggest sufferers of PTSD, but they’re not. Soldiers are actually only the third most common sufferers of PTSD. Ravers are the first and feminists on twitter are the second."

Goss says he came down with PTSD after attending a Psytrance party in the fall of 2013. “I took some LSD and was tripping balls at this outdoor Goa party,” says Goss. “I remember sitting under a tree, just bobbing my head to the music when I felt my brain stop working. It was like there was this switch inside of me that the music flipped off, and suddenly everything good in the world just disappeared. I started screaming and screaming and screaming, and a guy with dreads came by and gave me a vicks vaporub back massage, which just caused me to scream even more."

Eventually paramedics arrived and gave Goss some valium. “I woke up in the hospital later that night, and ever since then, I’ve had severe rave induced anxiety.” Now Goss says a day doesn’t go by when he doesn’t break out in a sweet. “Anything that reminds me of a rave will cause me to break out in hives. If I see a white person wearing dreads out in public, it triggers me and I break down into tears. The moment I hear that womp-womp dubstep sound, I start rocking back and forth. I can’t help it."

Goss hopes his experiences with raver trauma will stop other teenagers from getting burned. “They need to know that every party they go to is a game of russian roulette,” says Goss. “No one is safe from rave induced PTSD. No one.

Forget Snapchat, today’s teenagers are going nuts for after birth abortion parties, says 17 year old Massey Green. “I think after birth abortion parties really embody what it means to be young in our society,” says Massey. “These events are fun, they’re provocative, they’re rebellious, they’re everything a teen could want out of a party. You haven’t really lived until you’ve danced to infanticide!"

After birth abortion parties are exactly what they sound like: dance events that celebrate child murder. “We don’t actually kill children at an after birth abortion party,” says promoter Glenn Glompwick. “We just simulate the act in order to raise awareness of why we should be allowed to murder children. This is our society’s next big civil rights fight.”

Critics call the events gruesome and barbaric, but Glenn doesn’t see it that way. “Ever since Alberto Giubilini and Francesca Minerva argued about the merits of after birth abortion in the pages of the Journal of Medical Ethics, infanticide has become cool,” says Glenn. "It’s the most cutting edge moral position you can take. Fighting against racism? That’s so 1861. Smash the patriarchy? 1968 called and they want their social movement back. Regular abortion rights? Grandma take your coat hanger and go home. No, we need to level that fight up. It's time for us to have the right to kill children that are already born."

Teenagers agree. “One year olds, two year olds, five years olds — if you don’t want your kid, you should have the right to end them,” says Massey. “And I think if you attend an after birth abortion party, you’ll better appreciate the validity of this controversial moral position. Not only that, but you’ll get to experience first hand what it’d be like to throw a baby off a cliff, or into a fire, or through a cannon. It's so much fun."

Glenn says he’s proud of how life like his party’s murder simulations are. “We use cutting edge technology to really make these simulations feel real,” says Glenn. “Each guest at one of our parties gets a state of the art doll that looks and feels like a human child. These dolls come in all shapes, ages, and sizes. They even bleed a real looking type of synthetic blood! Of course, having state of the art dolls isn’t enough. Each of our events features a dozen different ways to destroy your child surrogate. We try to push the limits with our murder simulators. I'm partial to the baby slingshot cannon we had at our last party."

Massey says she can’t wait to attend Montreal’s next after birth abortion party. “They’re so exciting. They’re always trying to innovate new ways to experience child murder. I’m more interested in seeing what kind of new simulators they’ll come up with than I am in which DJs they’ve got lined up."

Montreal is home to one of the largest population of neck beards in North America, and many of them are tired of being ostracized by the public. “Just because we’re socially awkward, terribly sexist, and thoroughly entitled doesn’t mean that we’re not good people,” says full time mountain dew drinker Perry Heinlich. “Neck beards are human beings of the full spectrum of human emotions, and that includes both love and compassion. Yes, we might be resentful of women and the men who sleep with them, but that’s only a small part of what we’re about."

Perry says that neck beards have a whole lot to offer the world, which is why he’s organizing Montreal’s very first Fedoracore party. “We want to turn the friend zone into the party zone,” says Perry. “We’re inviting all the m’ladies out to what promises to be the most incredible party of the year. We’re going to show them what it means to be romanced by a man of the internet. All those hours we’ve spent behind our computers have armed us with the skills we need to conquer hearts and open thighs."

Oddly enough, many women are lining up to attend. “I can’t wait to be party zoned,” says 19 year old Dawson student Trisha Beaver. “The idea of spending hours in a room full of lonely maladjusted men, men who spend their evenings writing angry screeds about how terrible women are, well that just really makes my eyes light straight up. I can tell that Fedoracore Parties are just the thing Montreal needs."

Police are calling for calm after a raver blood feud spiraled out of control this weekend, resulting in devastating riots that lead to dozens of injuries, hundreds of millions of dollars in property damage, and the death of at least one pet iguana.

“It all started when Miles Morrisberg, a popular Dubstep DJ, got into an argument with Brad Bergmorris, a popular Psytrance DJ,” says professional raver and riot enthusiast Leanne Fines. “They were fighting over the merits of of which music genre was objectively better, and when they couldn’t come to an agreement, Miles had some of his friends beat up Brad."

Sgt. Mason Peralta of the Montreal Police says that this inciting incident set off a terrible chain reaction that culminated in the riots that gripped downtown Montreal over the weekend. “After Brad was assaulted, he retaliated by having his friends beat up Miles,” says Sgt. Peralta. “In response, Miles had his friends beat up Brad's friends. This lead to Brad's friends calling in extra friends of theirs, who then went on to beat the people who had just beaten their friends up. This, in turn, resulted in the people who had just been beaten up calling up more of their friends to attack their attackers. This cycle of escalation kept on going until Montreal’s downtown core had turned into a war zone where Dubstep fans waged battle against Psytrance fans."

Cars were set on fire, barricades were set up, sound systems were brought in, and the two armies of music fans met fist with fist and beat with beat. “I think we can safely say that Montreal witnessed the first of the raver wars,” says Leanne. “It was epic."

In the end, Montreal Mayor Serge Lapoutine had to call in the Quebec National Guard to restore order. “Violence begets violence,” says the Mayor. “Ravers need to learn to love each other. Don’t hate your brother because he doesn’t like the same music you do. That will just end badly for everyone."

A massive brawl erupted at the plateau's La Sala Quota during a Nickelback tribute concert after some guests insisted that people use jazz hands instead of clapping. “Apparently, a lot of teenagers these days find the sound of clapping hands traumatic,” says Sam Finn, a witness of the brawl. “The noise just sends them their fragile psyches into total shock. They understandably asked everyone at the venue if they could just use jazz hands instead of clapping and whooping during the show. Jazz hands is when you sort of wiggle your hands around in the air like you’re an actor on a broadway musical."

This suggestion, however, offended several upper class white people, who told the teenagers that they were appropriating 1920s African American Harlem culture. “They called the teenagers racist,” says Sam. “They told them that they should be ashamed of themselves and that they were terrible human beings who deserved to die a gruesome death at the hands of angry mob."

The teenagers didn’t take too kindly to the comments. “The next thing you know, the teenage jazz hand advocates were punching the rich white people right in their rich white faces,” says Sam. “Then the rich white people screamed about how they were being oppressed for their political views. Then all hell broke loose."

The concert ended up being cancelled as a result of the melee. “Hands were jazzing, punches were flying, Nickelback was playing in the background,” says Sam. “It wasn’t the perfect night by any means, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t hilarious. People getting into fist fights over jazz hands. Human beings are so ridiculous."

Forget sex, drugs, and rock and roll — today’s party kids are all about modest clothing, chaste sexuality, and moral outrage. “Puritanism is the new rock and roll,” says social critic Bobby Beaudoin. “People are tired of crass sexuality, objectified women, of and easy sex. Today, people want high neck lines, long skirts, and if there’s going to be any sex, it should be after people sign consent forms in triplicate. Outrageous sexuality is out, repressive puritanism is in."

Event promoters have caught on and Montreal’s party scene may never be the same again. “We’re starting to implement strict dress codes,” says organizer Kyle Berlin. “We don’t want cleavage on the dance floor, we don’t want men ogling women, we don’t want any grinding or inappropriate behaviour. Right now, we’re working on creating a party environment that’s sober, sombre, and temperate. We’re taking modesty to the extreme, and it’s a lot more fun than you think."

Ravers agree. “I just went to a party where the music was never louder than a kitten’s mewling,” says 19 year old Concordia student Tifa Lockhart. “And it was the most fun i’ve ever had. No one was on drugs, everyone was dressed very modestly, there wasn’t an ounce of sexual tension or a moment of unsettling intensity. Instead, we just had a very quiet night of dancing that didn’t involve any physical contact whatsoever. It was just delightful."

Not everyone agrees. “I miss the old raves with their loud ass music and rooms full of girls dressed in skimpy outfits being creeped on by old men,” says Michael Cauldron. “Those were raw. They weren’t always pretty, but they sure as hell felt more human than these bland white bread parties being thrown by sex negative hipsters. I miss the vulgarity, I miss the sexual objectification, I miss the nasty old guys. I want raves to be grim and gritty again. When I go to one of these sanitized event, even when I don’t take any drugs it still feels like I’m on valium."

Tifa doesn’t see it that way. “Some people don’t see the fun in being chaste,” says Tifa. “But if they come to enough puritan parties, they’ll learn that sex is overrated, but hating sex is simply sublime."

A firestorm has engulfed Montreal social media after a patron at Bar Les Fesses D’Or was stabbed in the abdomen during a fight on Saturday. Internet users across a dozen websites celebrated the attack, saying it was justified because the victim was white. It should be noted that everyone involved in the incident was caucasian and that police have clearly stated race played no role whatsoever in the attack. Witnesses say that the altercation started over an argument about whether or not the Lord of the Rings was better than Game of Thrones.

“Sure, that bar fight had nothing to do with race, but stabbing white people should be legal,” claimed Betty Leboss, a columnist for The Montreal Guardian, a progressive newspaper owned by a large media conglomerate based in the United States. “The lesson that we should take away from this tragic incident is that we need to insert racial animosity into every aspect of our lives, even aspects that have nothing to do with race. When we keep racism at the forefront of our mind, we’ll not only make the world a better place, but newspapers like mine will rack in way more money. Controversy sells, and anything that sells is good for society. Or at least it’s good for my employers bottom line, which is all I care about."

Many on Facebook and twitter agree. “I’m really happy that modern journalists engage in constant race baiting in order to stir up controversy after controversy,” says Melissa Couteau, a 25 year old McGill student. “If it wasn’t for journalists constantly telling us that we should be angry about everything, everywhere, always, we might enjoy our lives. And that would be awful. I’d much rather live my life in a perpetual state of frothing rage. Just imagine what would happen if journalists focused on building bridges between people instead of pitting them against each other? That would be terrible.."

Michael Edwick, a professor of journalism at McGonnicle university, agrees. “Journalism has nothing to do with reporting the truth — and that’s a good thing,” says Michael. "It’s all about maximizing profit. Peace isn’t nearly as profitable as conflict. Is it okay to stab white people? Of course not, but that’s the kind of question that makes people angry, and making people angry is what newspapers are all about. We shouldn’t mess with a winning formula."

Science has definitively proved something that many people have long suspected: ravers make terrible lovers.

Researchers at Devon University have been tracking the sex lives of ravers for the last twenty years, and what they discovered will shock you.

“Basically, ravers don’t know how to have sex,” says Dr. Ludwig Woltann. “A combination of factors are to blame, but the heart of the problem is that the sound frequency of EDM destroys the area of the brain that governs vasodilation, that is to say the dilation of the blood vessels, in a very peculiar way. Techno music physically deprives male genitals from receiving optimal blood flow while also interfering with the proper functioning of the female skenes gland."

In other words, men and women who listen to a lot of techno music will have much harder time getting hard or getting wet. “And the saddest thing is, this problem gets worse with time. The more techno you listen to, the harder it will be for men to get hard and the more difficulty women will get in lubricating themselves naturally. If you're a male who has listened to a lot of techno, chances are you can't even have sex anymore without the help of viagra."

Many people have long suspected techno music of having deleterious effects on the human body, but Dr. Woltann’s research is the first that offers an in depth explanation of why ravers make poor lovers.

“Basically, if you want to have a healthy sex life, instead of listening to techno, you should listen to anti-music."

Police officers in the city of Whalesberg, Oregon, will be handing out free marijuana to citizens on April 20th, a day when pot enthusiasts around the world celebrate their love of getting high. “Oregon is paving the way to end the war on drugs,” says Martin Crishugelé, a spokes person for the Whalesberg police department. “Across America, countless lives are ruined by the war on drugs and the officers of Whalesberg are taking a stand,” says Martin. “We’ve decided that handing out free marijuana to people who are of age is a good way of letting the rest of the country know that pot is harmless. The war on drugs is not."

Harriet Chiamanti, the long time mayor of Whalesberg, says that she support her police department’s marijuana giveaway. “When Chris Burner, the chief of police, came to me with this idea, I was skeptical. However, the more he explained his reasoning, the more it made sense to me,” says Harriet. “The war on drugs doesn’t work. The city of Whalesberg is taking an explicit stand against Washington D.C. We’re telling congress and we’re telling the white house that enough is enough. It’s time to end the war. On 4/20, we invite everyone in Whalesberg to get high. And do you know what will happen? Nothing dangerous. The world won’t end. People won’t kill each other. Our children won’t suddenly start worshipping Satan. Life will continue on as it always has, and that is what we want to communicate to everyone in America. We are spending billions and billions of dollars on a war against a very mild drug. It needs to stop."

Politicians in Washington condemned the plans. “Just because marijuana is harmless doesn’t mean it should be legal,” says Berryl Bellbottom, the senator for the state of Miami. “We made marijuana illegal for a very good reason, to discriminate against racial minorities and to protect the financial interests of logging companies who were in competition against hemp farmers. If we suddenly make marijuana legal, if we suddenly end the war on drugs, it will be way harder for the legal system to discriminate against people based on their race. We’ll have to come up with entirely new reasons to throw black people in jail. The democrats don’t want that, the republicans don’t want that, and American doesn’t want that. No, the war on drugs is doing exactly what it should be doing: keeping America safe from racial equality. I say no to legalizing marijuana and so should you."

Harriet says that Mr. Bellbottom’s words left her speechless. “At least politicians in Washington are finally being honest about why they support the war on drugs,” says Harriet. “That’s a positive step in the right direction, I guess."

Teenagers and young adults are crowding the isles of your local supermarket, but they’re not there to hunt for bargains, they’re there to get their groove on. “Supermarkets are experiencing an unexpected surge of popularity among 16 to 24 year olds,” says urbanologist Mike Sutherland. “They’ve become the go-to party place for the young and savvy. Today, teens and young adults are more interested in partying at your local IGA than they are in going to a dance club."

Teens say supermarkets owe their current cachet to the ascendance of normcore, a fashion movement that embraces the mundane and the dull. “Supermarkets are monuments to everyday living,” says 18 year old supermarket enthusiast Walter Isaac. “When you’re next to a wall full of breakfast cereal, dancing to the soothing muzak of your local supermarket’s PA system, you enter into communion with the banality of modern life. In some ways, supermarket dance parties are an act of resistance against capitalism. We’re saying, yes, we will consume and commodify, but we will do so while dancing!"

Supermarket owners are surprised by the current trend. “Every day, hundreds of people come to IGA to dance,” says supermarket owner Melissa Menard. "So long as they combine shopping with their dancing, we don’t mind at all. We’ve even tried to hire our own DJs once, but our customers told us that wasn’t the point. They didn’t want DJs, they wanted muzak."

Walter agrees. “No, we don’t want to dance to EDM, we want to dance to elevator music. The idea is to celebrate the sublime experience of mindless consumption. Muzak is supposed to be ignored, but we’re not ignoring it. We’re putting it front and centre. Normcore is about engaging society in ways that transform boring experiences into exciting ones."

Police in the Mexican state of Durango are being hailed as heroes after they freed dozens of ravers from a human zoo. “Members of the Los Locos Pocos Lobos Cartel kidnapped and enslaved ravers from around the world and placed them inside a bizarre human zoo,” claims lead investigator Maria Santos. “The scale of the operation is incredible, and the misery suffered by the prisoners indescribable. The existence of this human zoo emphasizes what police in Durango are up against."

Details of the human zoo are sparse at the moment, though some details have emerged, and the picture they paint isn’t pretty. “Victims are currently being examined by doctors at an undisclosed hospital,” says Maria. “We can’t comment on their individual conditions, but suffice it to say, they have been through a lot."

A source who was involved with shutting down the zoo said that the nightmare began five years ago. “One of the founding members of the Los Locos Pocos Lobos cartel thought ravers were ridiculous,” says the source. “Everything about ravers made him laugh. The way they dressed, the way they danced, the music they listened to — he thought it would be hilarious if the cartel owned a bunch of party kids. He then arranged to have ravers abducted, he built and designed cells for them, he came up with a thousand twisted ways to make them suffer. The key thing for this man was that his captives could never escape a raving atmosphere. They would be trapped inside a hellish party that never ended."

According to the source, the music never stopped. “He’d make them dance on command. Sometimes he’d force his captives to give each other tiger balm back rubs. That’s when he was being nice. When he was in a bad mood, things wouldn’t go so well for his slaves. He would often make them eat glowsticks."

The captives were apparently treated like the property of the entire cartel. “Any member could do anything to these ravers, except take them out of the rave. That was the only thing they couldn’t do. The party could never stop, though maybe party isn’t really the right word for what they experienced."

Conservatives across Canada are under fire after dozens of allegations surfaced over the weekend that they’ve been attacking ravers for sport. “We are not hunting people down,” says conservative MP Krual Ebilguy. “There is absolutely no merit to the allegations that members of the conservative party are going around with guns targeting ravers in some kind of twisted game of duck hunt. It's an outrageous lie that has been fabricated by the liberal media, and the fact that some people actually believe it suggests that we need to consider overhauling our educational system. It’s incredibly that anyone can be that gullible."

Ravers, however, refuse to believe the chorus of denials from conservatives. “Over the last two weeks, I’ve been chased down the street on multiple occasions,” says one raver who refused to be named. “On each of those occasions, the culprit chasing after me was a different elderly man, but all of them had white hair, a Stephen Harper button on their lapel, and an AK-47 in their hands. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I think that’s a pattern."

Other ravers shared similar stories. “I was trying to listen to some psytrance when a white guy jumped through my window and started shooting at me,” says DJ Belieber. “I know the guy was conservative, because he kept yelling ‘Who is John Galt?’ at me over and over again. If I didn’t have lightning fast reflexes honed by years of mixing psychedelic beats together, I’d be a dead man right now. Psytrance gave me the speed to dodge a bunch of bullets, but i’m worried I won’t be fast enough to out run the conservative death machine.”

Conservatives, for their part, insist on their innocence and have repeatedly denied all ties to any anti-raver campaign. “If we were going to hunt people down, why would we start with ravers? I think it’s safe to say that we would start with poor people,” says Mr. Ebilguy, “not people who have poor taste in music."

Dozens of teenagers suffered serious injuries Saturday night after an explosion ripped through an abandoned industrial loft that had been recently used to cook crystal meth. “The teenagers unwittingly organized an illegal party inside a location that can best be described as a meth lab,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “According to our forensic scientists, the lab was still equipped with all the necessary gear and material to create the drug. We have yet to determine the exact reason for the explosion, but we assume it had something to do with the incredibly chemicals that were present at the loft."

Police say that they so far no reason to believe that the teenagers were the ones who initially set up the meth lab. “Details that we’re not ready to divulge to the public suggests that a third party was behind the meth lab. The teenagers are guilty of several things, like trespassing and being incredibly irresponsible, but we do not believe that they’re guilty of manufacturing crystal meth."

Tristina Baker, a 19 year old survivor of the explosion, claims that no one at the party knew that the location was a meth lab. “We just thought it was a funky industrial warehouse,” says Tristina. “We didn’t realize all that equipment was something out of a Breaking Bad episode."

Montreal councilman Marcelo Maladroite says that the explosion highlights the dangers that illegal raves pose to the public. “There’s a reason that people need permits to organize large raves,” says Marcelo. “Preventing deadly explosions is one of those reasons. How many people have to die in a fiery ball of fire before ravers realize that laws exist for a reason?"

Tristina claims that while raving can be dangerous, nothing will stop people from partying. “Dying in an explosion is just a risk you take when you decide to rave,” says Tristina. “If partying was safe, it’d be boring. I’m sad that some people almost died in the blast, but I’m happy I got some really good instagram photos out of the experience."

A West Island teenager has been arrested for impersonating a doctor at the Beaconsfield General Hospital. “He was inspired by the movie Catch Me If You Can,” says police spokeswoman Veronica Kazua. “He decided if Leonardo DiCaprio could convince people he was a doctor, so could he — so he ordered a white lab coat on eBay, some MDMA from a dark net drug forum, and made his way over to the hospital."

It took several weeks for staff to realize that the teenager wasn’t actually employed at the hospital. “He just seemed so confident and self-assured that we just assumed that he worked here,” says Benoit Cloutier, a nurse at the hospital.

The teenager spent his time at the hospital making rounds and talking to patients. “He gave his favourite patients MDMA,” says Veronica. “Thankfully, nothing serious happened as a result of his illicit ‘treatments’, however we were lucky that an attentive patient realized something was odd about a boy who looked about as old as Doogie Howser working as a doctor."

The fact that it took so long for someone to speak up says something about human psychology, claims criminologist Baker Goodings. “The fact is, if you pretend that you know what you’re doing, most people will just defer to you,” says Baker. “In the real world, you don’t need to know anything, you just need to act like you do. If someone can get away with pretending to be a doctor for several weeks, just imagine how many truly unqualified people are out there right now, working in all sorts of jobs that are way beyond their understanding. The next time you go to work, just look at the people around you. Chances are, at least one of them shouldn’t be there."

Are you privileged? Do you enjoy talking about it every chance you get? Then you’ll love Montreal promoter Ivan Ivanov’s “Privilege Parties”, a series of raves where white people get together to complain about privilege. “We’re changing the world by talking about ourselves” says Ivan. “Instead of dancing to EDM, we dance to the sound of oppression that emanates from the very fibre of our beings as white people. It’s a cathartic experience. At a privilege party, the mantra is: you were born into a racist, sexist social system that you have no control over -- and it’s all your fault. John Calvin is our DJ and Andrea Dworkin is our bouncer. It’s the most fun you’ll have hating yourself!"

19 year old Dawson student Emily Wintersnap says that Privilege Parties have opened her eyes to the pleasures of self-loathing. “Right now, pretending you care about oppression is really in,” says Emily. “It’s huge. That’s why multimillion dollar corporations like Vox Media and Vice are so gung-ho about privilege and oppression. Talking about privilege lets everyone know that you’re part of the in-crowd. You don’t see many working class people talking about it, and that’s the point. When you tell people that you care about privilege, what you’re really saying is that you have high social status and you look down on those who don’t. Our self-criticism is really just a bit of kabuki theatre that masks our vanity and pride. It’s all for show."

Vanity and pride are the heart and soul and privilege parties, says Ivan. “Do you think a bunch of wealthy white university graduates would be so obsessed with talking about privilege if they didn’t benefit from the discussion?” asks Ivan. “If you think their interest in social justice stems from compassion and empathy, you are adorably naive. The brilliant thing about my parties is that they make the self-serving nature of prattling on about privilege explicit. There’s no beating around the bush. We celebrate the venality, the posturing, the whole fakery of it all! We care about privilege because caring about privilege advertises how much power we have over other people. It’s like complaining about having too much money. It’s a very satisfying form of conspicuous consumption."

Emily compares Privilege Parties to BDSM without the sex. “It really is all about power,” says Emily. “When you tell someone about how privileged you are, it’s a way of showing off, a way of letting them know you’re better than they are, and that’s a lot of fun."

Ivan says his privilege parties aren’t just about dancing to the sound of oppression. “We also have a juice bar,” says Ivan. “Come for the privilege, stay for our delicious beverages made with fair trade cashew milk and premium organic fruit."

A disturbing trend has Montreal police warning the elderly to be on the look out for ravers. “We’ve noticed a surge of carjackings against older citizens,” says Sgt. Mary Bunswick of the SPVM. “The culprits in each case were described as young party goers who wore brightly coloured fun fur pants. Many of them sported plastic bead bracelets and some were sucking on pacifiers."

Ravers are baffled by the allegations that members of their community are engaging in carjackings. “First, who the hell dresses up like that anymore?” asks Leelee Leroux, a 21 year old EDM fanatic. “The only ravers who still wear fun fur pants are the elderly. That is so 1998. I don’t think people are being targeted by genuine ravers, instead I think they’re being targeted by people who want to make ravers look bad. This is a sabotage campaign. We’re being blind from crimes we didn’t commit. Next thing you know, the city will be cracking down on parties again in the name of public safety. It’s a giant false flag operation."

Criminologist Ludwig Vanderbeek disagrees. “Why would anyone go out of their way to make ravers look bad? They already look bad.” says Ludwig. “I believe these carjackings are the result of today’s small rave culture cracking under their own insignificance. Most people don’t even know that raves still exist. Stealing cars from the elderly is their way of reminding society that raving is still alive, it’s still subversive, it’s still a force in society."

Party promoter Kyle Berlin says that ravers have never been concerned with popularity. “Most of us just want to party in peace,” says Kyle. “We don’t care if the rest of society has no idea that raving is still a thing. Hell, we prefer it that way. We don’t want to bring attention to ourselves, we enjoy obscurity. These days, it’s a lot easier to throw an illegal party in Montreal, and that’s because police don’t pay any attention to us anymore. Thanks to these fun fur carjackers, that’s going to change."

A Roxborough mother was arrested over the weekend after she accidentally fed her two year old daughter bath salts. “The mother had a long history of drug abuse,” says police spokeswoman Gina Bobina. “She was preparing lunch for her daughter while in a drug induced haze and didn’t realize that she had sprinkled bath salts over the plate of pasta she had prepared."

Drug users aren’t always cognizant of their own behaviour says psychologist Bernie Madoff. “You can’t expect someone who is trapped in a spiral of drug addiction to behave rationally,” says Bernie. “It’s not uncommon for parents who have drug problems to share those problems with their children. Meth addicts often share their pipes with their children, coke heads often share lines with theirs, and bath salt users will frequently give some to their own kids. It’s a common problem that is rarely discussed by public health officials."

Thankfully, the young girl received prompt medical attention and was spared major health consequences. “The doctors were lucky to get to the girl in time,” says Ms. Bobina. “Bath salts are incredibly dangerous. Grown adults are hardly capable of handling the drug, to say nothing of a frail two year old child."

Dr. Madoff is calling on public health officials to step up and create a battle plan to help parents who struggle with drug addiction. “We are in desperate need of a system that will help track drug addicted parents and ensure they receive the help they need so that their children don’t suffer. This girl was lucky, many children aren’t, though."

Mechtroniks Sales Incorporated, a controversial Montreal firm that sells dinnerware via multilevel marketing, is being accused of child labour by angry parents after they organized a series of “Informational Raves”. The raves in question featured live DJ sets as well as seminars on achieving financial independence.

“I thought I was going to a normal rave,” says 18 year old Ghislaine Valentina, “but when I got to the party, I was guided to this small room where a man was giving a power presentation on how I could become a millionaire by selling knives door to door. He told the crowd that while we were free to leave the room to go dance, we would be missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity. It was creepy. I’m pretty sure the guy was on cocaine."

Representatives for Mechtroniks deny any wrong doing. “Our Informational Raves might be unconventional ways to recruit employees, but they work” says Linda East, a Mechtronik employee. “Most ravers are unemployed, so we offer them an opportunity to make money while having fun. Everyone wins. The parents who are accusing of using child labour are utterly, completely wrong. Anyone under 16 gets turned away at the door. We follow Canadian labour laws to a fault."

Patrick Wallace, a parent of a teenager who bought a $500 silverware set from Mechtroniks, says that’s besides the point. “Even if what they’re doing isn’t strictly illegal, it’s certainly immoral. They’re preying on gullible children. It’s a bate and switch con game, first they tell these kids that they'll make a fortune selling cutlery to people, but before they can do that they have to buy a set of their own."

Jeffrey Wallace, Patrick’s 17 year old son, says his dad doesn’t know what he’s talking. “Sure, I had to buy this $500 set of cutlery, but you have to spend money to make money. After I sell a few hundred silverware sets, I’ll be rich! I totally recommend going to Mechtronik’s Informational Raves. You’ll learn how to make money and you’ll get to dance to some great EDM. It’s totally worth it."

Firefighters spent several hours battling a fiery blaze Thursday evening after half a dozen angry ravers torched the Chez Melodies music store in Mile End. “We managed to arrest two of the arsonists thanks to the help of several eye witnesses,” says police spokesperson Wayne Cullo. “Their fast thinking put an early end to what could have been a dangerous crime spree. They saw the ravers run, they followed after them from a safe distance, and they kept us on the phone until we could take over the chase."

The police say that the arsonists were targeting music stores that sold instruments. “The arsonists call themselves techno purists, and believe that all music should be entirely computer generated,” says Mr. Cullo. “They say they’re at war with music instruments. If it’s acoustic, if it has strings, if it has keys, than it’s archaic and needs to be destroyed."

Many artists fear for the future. “EDM fans are waging a holy war against the old ways,” says guitarist Lisa Kipper. “They think that artists who play instruments are holding back techno and that for techno to survive, we need to die."

Rave promoter Noah Thibeault agrees. “I don’t share the techno purists methods but I agree with their goals,” says Noah. “Computers and things that you attach to computers are the way forward. The more primitive it is, the more important it is for us to move on from it — how can we embrace the future of music when we insist on living in the past? Down with musical instruments, up with techno!"

A Montreal DJ has decided against pressing charges after a woman threw her used tampon at him during a set. “She said my music sucked and that I was an insult to EDM,” says DJ Bangsalot, “then she pulled out a bloody tampon from beneath her skirt and threw it at my head before running away in the crowd."

Witnesses to the bizarre tampon tantrum wrestled the attacker, 22 year old Amber Grace to the ground. “I think she was high on bath salts,” says Leanna Petitgrew, one of the people who helped apprehended Amber. “She kept screaming about having to purify the dance scene of bad music using Mother Gaia’s crimson."

Party promoters say that tampon tantrums have become increasingly common in recent years. “It’s not that DJs are constantly being hit in the face with used tampons by angry dancers,” says promoter Kyle Berlin, “but it does happen every once in a while."

Belina Murkhaus, an urbanologist who works for Montreal’s Youth Culture Centre, says that the rise in tampon tantrums is linked to internet culture. “The practice was popularized online,” says Belina. “It started as an urban legend. People posted apocryphal stories about DJs being assaulted by used tampons, which inspired a woman in Russia to do it for real. Her tampon tantrum was photographed, and that photograph went viral on the internet. Copycats then started popping up all over the place."

If it gets much worse, DJs will need to play behind glass windows, says Kyle. “We want our DJs to feel safe, but that’s hard to do if random people are going around throwing bloody tampons at them."

Doctors are warning parents to ensure that their children know the dangers of sharing needles. “We have seen a sharp rise in the spread of HIV among teenagers from the West Island,” says Dr. Lawrence Real of the Beaconsfield General Hospital, “and it’s all thanks to a bizarre new game that’s weeping playgrounds and school. It’s called Spin the Needle, and it’s every bit as dangerous as it sounds."

Late last year, principles as St-Lomas High School caught several teenagers in their school spinning a needle around. The students admitted under question to sharing the needle among each other. “They don’t put any drugs in the needle,” says Principle Maria Couteau, “they just put their blood in it, and then they spin it, and whoever the needle points to has to inject the blood that was in it."

Teenagers, for their part, claim that spinning the needle is the newest way of establishing intimacy among teenagers. “In the 1960s, holding hands was a big deal, in the 1970s, it was kissing, in the 1980s, it was giving blow jobs, in the 1990s, it was having sex, in 2000s, it was having group sex,” says Stacy McQueen, an 18 year old student who recently graduated from High School. “Today, teenagers are taking it one step further. We’re skipping sex and jumping right to sharing each other’s diseases. We want to out-risk everyone else."

Leonora Bedwig, a teenageologist who works for McGonnicle University’s Child Education Centre, says that the invention of spin the needle doesn’t surprise her in the least. “For the last hundred years, each generation has striven to break more taboos than the last,” says Leonora. "We’re fast approaching a kind of event horizon where there will be no more taboos to break. Spin the needle comes close to that horizon, but the envelope can be pushed even further. I predict that in the next ten years, teenagers will have invented something that makes spin the needle seem quaint and harmless.”

Dr. Lawrence Real isn’t so sure. “I fear for a future where sharing needles with people is considered safe compared to other teenage activities” says Dr. Real. “I think we, as a society, are failing our kids. The fact that they think sharing needles is a fun way to spend an after noon says something deeply disturbing about the culture we live in."

Mandy Mason, a patron at Bar Les Fesses D’Or made a gruesome discovery last Friday after discovering a bag of dicks in the woman’s restroom.

“It’s a small restroom with only two stalls, and the one I went entered had this black garbage bag near the door that was half open,” says Mandy. “When I walked by the bag I noticed what looked like a penis inside of it. Intrigued, I opened the rest of the bag and was shocked at what I found. It was a penis. And there were more. There must have been dozens of them in that bag, all of them had been cut off. They all looked incredibly fresh too."

Police say they don’t know where the penises came from. “According to forensics, the men were still alive at the time that their penises were removed,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “We don’t know what happened to these men, we don’t know who they are, and we don’t know the circumstances under which their penises were removed. We are currently asking the public for any information they may have about this, as we are worried about the safety and wellbeing of these men."

Bar owner Leo Goudreau says he can’t imagine why anyone would leave a bag of dicks in a bar rest room. “It’s sinister,” says Leo. “Someone brought in a bag of bloody dicks to our establishment. There’s a serial penis cutter stalking the streets of Montreal. That’s kind of terrifying."

Anyone with information on the mysterious big back of dicks found at Bar Les Fesses D’Or is urged to come forward.

DJ Kimmy Koala has gone into hiding today after footage of her using her dead boyfriend's body as a piñata surfaced online. In the video, Kimmy can clearly be seen hitting his body with a stick as dozens of people cheer on.

Boris Richard, who lived with Kimmy Koala at the time of his death, suffered from chronic depression before taking his life last November. “He was a kind but troubled soul,” says childhood friend Bianca Smith. “That video of Kimmy hitting him with a stick while people clap and laugh is disgusting."

Bianca blames Tumblr for Kimmy’s awful behaviour. “I’ve known Kimmy for five years, she used to be this gentle, considerate human being,” says Bianca. “But then she started spending all her time on Tumblr. She became paranoid, started seeing the worst in men, and her empathy went out the window. She used to be there for Boris, but after she embraced Tumblr, she started blaming him for everything. Since he was a white male, she didn’t think he could suffer from depression. After he passed away, I found out she had egged him on when he was having suicidal thoughts. She told him that he deserved to die."

Michael Fenwick was also a long time friend of Boris. “We first met at McGill in 2003,” says Michael. “There wasn’t a mean bone in his body. He spent most of his free time trying to make the world a better place, and I don’t mean by being an internet activist or going to protests. He volunteered at food banks, he helped charities raise money, he regularly donated blood. He tried to make individual differences in people’s lives. It was important to him. He had a terrible childhood. His parents died in Kosovo during the war. He escaped to Montreal with his uncle and aunt shortly after that. He had a lot of pain that he never really knew how to deal with, no matter how much time he spent in therapy. He suffered from PTSD, the real kind, not the kind you get after someone disagrees with you on Twitter or because you didn't get a trigger warning before reading A Clockwork Orange.”

Michael says he’s livid about Kimmy’s actions. “I think she killed him,” says Michael. “She didn’t hang the noose around his neck, but she might as well have. She’s under this delusion that because of who Boris was, that he was impervious to suffering, to pain, to hurt. You have all these people on tumblr who encourage each other to treat people like shit without knowing anything about who they are or what they've lived through. They think it’s funny to use suicide victims as piñatas. And we’re not even talking about trolls here, we’re talking about prominent journalists and artists. This isn't a fringe issue, this hatred has gone mainstream.”

Many on the left might find it shocking that this kind of hatred has become common place. “I still have trouble believing that,” says NDP hopeful Mary-Lou Miser. “I can’t wrap my head around people who believe that social justice means cheering on suicide. Even if you show me prominent progressives who believe that, I’ll never accept that their existence is evidence of a larger trend."

The evidence, however, is easy enough to find. Last fall, Steven Drivus, son of hollywood actor Dick Drivus, came under attack after he talked about how much he wanted to use dead white male suicide victims as piñatas. He claimed people took his comments out of context, but Michael disagrees. “There’s no context that could justify that kind of comment, and I believe Kimmy was inspired by Steven’s hateful words. It's not Steven's fault for what she did, but his words reflect the kind of dehumanizing cultural climate that celebrated her actions."

Steven's comments highlight another problem with today's left. “Kimmy was a child of privilege,” says Bianca. “Her parents own a dozen car dealerships. She has a trust fund. She’s never worked a day in her life. A lot of so-called progressives who are promoting this hateful nonsense are rich. Like Steven Drivus. He’s the son of a multi-millionaire who works for a prominent news paper. Steven and Kimmy and people like them? They’ve turned hope into hatred, equality into tyranny, justice into violence. Progressive politics is now all about people with class privilege dehumanizing those without it."

Kimmy’s fans, for their part, think what she did was just fine. “There’s nothing wrong with today’s progressive movement,” says British Shield columnist Emily Pool. "It’s misogynistic to claim that using a male suicide victim's body as a piñata is hateful. I thought Kimmy’s piñata schtick was a hilarious commentary on how entitled men are — they think everyone’s entitled to basic human decency. Please. Men are not entitled to anything. They need to get over themselves. Celebrating male suicide isn’t hateful, it’s hilarious!"

Fans and friends mourned the passing of DJ Tekno4eva yesterday after he fell to his death while taking a selfie atop the Mont Royal Cross.

Tekno4eva, whose real name is Bernard Bundleworth, was celebrating his 21st birthday on Mont Royal when his friends challenged him to climb up the cross that adorns the top of the hill. Bernard, who has never shied away from a terrible idea, jumped at the chance to test fate. The Universe gave him a failing grade, but his friends gave him an A+ for effort.

“Bernard was such a funny guy,” says Alice Whitman, who witnessed his fall. “And even though his death is tragic, I know he died doing what he loved, which was acting like an irresponsible drunk."

Many of Bernard’s other friends concur. “If you’re going to die, you might as well die in a way that’s thoroughly ridiculously,” says Petrov Deslausier, another one of Bernard’s friends. “Bernard lost his balance on top of a giant metal cross while trying to use a selfie stick. It’s not a dignified way to go out, but it embodies Bernard’s thorough lack of respect for propriety or common sense."

Not everyone is so nonchalant about Bernard’s demise. “Bernard had a problem with alcohol and drugs,” says Tracy Legault, his ex-girlfriend. “I had to break up with him because I couldn't stand to watch as his so-called friends enabled his self-destruction. I warned Bernard that if he didn’t clean up his act, it would end badly for him. I’m sad that his life ended the way it did, and I hope the friends who encouraged his dangerous behaviour take responsibility for the life they helped destroy."

Bernard’s friends think Tracy needs to lighten up. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with encouraging alcoholics to behave recklessly,” says Petrov. “It’s funny!"

Something stinks in Montreal, and party goers can’t get enough of the smell. Thanks to cutting edge — or is that cheese — research from the University of Devon, fart parties are now a thing. They exist and they’re ridiculously popular.

It all started when Devon researchers noticed the health properties of hydrogen sulphide, the key ingredient to smelly gas. “Hydrogen sulphide is the new corral calcium, it’s the next big thing on the health market,” says lead researcher Dr. Granpu Pett.

“The question isn’t what can it help with, it’s what can’t it help with! It rejuvenates the skin, it helps you sleep, it revitalizes mitochondria and even reverses cellular aging. And yes, the best way to benefit from the healing properties of hydrogen sulphide are by inhaling it’s fumes, so flatulence therapy is medically sound."

Not only is it medically sound, it’s also highly profitable. “We’ve been going gang buster business since we started organizing our first fart parties,” says club owner Leo Goudreau. “People thing the entire event is hilarious, and the light hearted if smelly atmosphere really brings people together. It turns out that the easiest way to break the ice with someone is by breaking wind. Who would have guessed?"

Jason Minks, a hardcore fart party fan, says the experience is out of this world. “Fart parties are basically raves with all you can eat gas inducing buffets. You’ve got lentils, beans, dairy, corn, all sorts of farty foods. The brilliant thing about fart parties is that even if you don’t want to shake your ass on the dance floor, it’s going to happen anyways. Even if your brain doesn’t want to move, your stomach will."

Not everyone is convinced that fart parties are medically sound. “I’m not convinced that being in a room full of people farting in your face is going to improve your health,” says Dr. Leonard Smidtt. “But, y’know, as far as weird medical fads go, it seems fairly harmless."

The Canadian Medical Practitioners Association, Canada’s foremost medical body, designated Hardcore Raving as a disease on Monday.

The CMPA was inspired by a similar decision in Sweden where doctors in that country classified heavy metal addiction as a debilitating medical condition after being sued by Roëg Dingēłbært, a man who has spent every single day for the last five years going to heavy metal concerts.

“The fact is, every year, thousands of Canadians die of hardcore raving,” says Dr. Sti Tescon. “We’re not talking about mild raving, which involves partying responsibly once or twice a week. Hardcore raving is a different beast entirely. That’s when people can’t stop raving. They just party every day, day in, day out. Their entire life becomes a prison of glow sticks, drugs, and psytrance. Their bodies eventually given up on them. There’s only so much techno we can expose ourselves too before our brain melts."

In the past, victims of hardcore raving were turned away by hospitals. “Since hardcore raving wasn’t considered a medical condition,” says Dr. Sti, “hardcore ravers couldn’t get the help they desperately needed. No more. Starting immediately, hardcore ravers can expect full medical attention from the medical establishment."

Hardcore ravers should seek immediate treatment says Dr. Sti. “Hardcore ravers deserve to be happy, but they’ll never be happy if they don’t stop raving. They need to learn to take break, to sleep, to eat healthy foods, and to let their brains recover from all the drugs they’ve ingested."

A Bartender at Bar Les Fesses D'Or was arrested early Saturday morning for placing laxatives in the drinks of customers he found annoying.

“We regret to inform our customers that one of our bartenders abused their trust and put them in harm’s way,” says bar owner Leo Goudreau. “We will be temporarily closing the bar in order to a do full analysis of how drinks are served on our premises in order to prevent such an incident from reoccurring."

Police received an anonymous tip last week about the bartender’s shenanigans. “We were informed through Info-Crime that this bartender may have been mixing laxatives into the drinks of customers he didn’t like,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “We sent undercover police officers to pester him in order to see if he would slip laxatives into their beers. He did."

The police won’t go into the exact specifics of how they annoyed the bartender, though Sgt. Batista did mention that it involved singing songs off key and yelling about how much they hated French people.

Police say that the bartender in question may have given hundreds of unruly customers laxatives. “If you developed diarrhea after you attended Bar Les Fesses D’Or, please get in touch with the police as we would like to talk to you."

What would you do if a bartender slipped laxatives into your drink? Let us know!

Montreal hipsters are mourning the death of the indie scene after murder parties went mainstream over the weekend. The embracement by the hoi polloi of these iconic hipster events was prompted by Joss Whedon, who tweeted his approval after attending one of them last Friday.

“That sacrificial pit rave was the most fun I’ve had since filming Season 2 of Firefly.” - Joss Whedon

Shortly after Whedon’s tweet, news outlets around the world began to cover the existence of the once low key parties. The events have long been a source of pride for hipsters, who spend most of their free time and trust fund money figuring out new ways to distinguish themselves from the unwashed masses.

Like most terrible things, murder parties were created in Silicon Valley. "Years ago, hipsters in San Francisco realized how much fun it was to throw poor people down a sacrificial pit,” says hipsterologist Mike Cruise. “However the simple act of killing the poor left them feeling empty inside. They felt that run-of-the-mill murder didn’t reflect their rarefied moral sensibilities. So they got creative. Now they hire DJs to play avant-garde techno at their murder parties. They offer kombucha bars and all-you-can-eat kale buffets. They host cultural appropriation seminars, hire poi jugglers, and give out free native american headdresses to all their attendees. They also start each murder party with a self-appreciation ceremony, where they congratulate each other on being the first human beings in history to have achieved moral perfection. It ’s the kind of fun that only class privilege and stock options can buy.”

Murder parties may have started in San Francisco, but they didn’t stay there. “Every major Western city has, at the very least, a yearly sacrificial pit rave,” says Silicon Valley socialite Pluto Kradius. “If you’re born wealthy and you have a liberal arts degree, you’re simply better than every one else. That’s a fact. Murder parties are just one of the ways us blue bloods assert our moral superiority over the rest of society. We also like to create tumblr and twitter accounts as a way to show off our superior beliefs to the little people."

Now that the little people know about sacrificial pit raves, the end is nigh for the events. “Joss Whedon should have never posted that tweet,” says Pluto. “Now the rich and liberal no longer have a safe space where we can meet and talk about how much better we are than all the plebes who don’t know their Bell Hooks from their Jacques Derrida. Sacrificial pit raves will soon be flooded with common riffraff. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started sacrificing the rich at their bastardized poor people events. Just imagine that! It’ll be moral chaos, and the natural order of things will be turned upside down. I wish the poor would check their privilege and stop appropriating the culture of their social betters.”

Joss Whedon, for his part, has gone silent since his tweet. “I think he realized he messed up,” says Pluto. “He let the cat out of the murder bag.”

What do you think? Are hipsters really better than the rest of society? Should they continue throwing poor people down sacrificial pits? Do you really need a liberal arts degree and a ton of money to be a hipster? Let us know!

Montreal progressives, inspired by Target Australia’s refusal to sell the successful game Grand Theft Auto V, are getting ready to clamp down on offensive art. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned while studying at Concordia it’s that art that offends me should be be illegal,” says trust fund kid Michelle Bradwick. “We still don’t live in a country where progressives have the power to censor art at will, and that needs to change. Right now, we might lack the legal authority to tell people what they can and can’t believe in, but we can still terrify artists into obeying us.”

Empowered by twitter, progressives in Montreal have started waging harassment campaigns against artists that don’t share their politics. “If you don’t share our beliefs, we’ll make sure that no art gallery carries your paintings, that no concert venue allows you to play shows, that no stores carry your creations whatever they might be,” says Michelle. “Artists need to understand that if they want to make a living, they need to agree with the political views of upper class liberal art grads. Fail to obey us, and we will ruin your life.”

Some people think the progressive left is starting to look a lot like the fascist right. “It just seems that the kind of politics they teach in University is crazy,” says Todd Perkins, a musician who used to busk in front of McGill Metro until liberal art graduates attacked him. “I was playing a song by the Beatles when this horde of angry liberal art students doused me in gasoline and lit me up. They were screaming at me about John Lennon being a misogynist while I was screaming about being on fire.”

NDP candidate Maurice Morriel thinks Todd needs to chill out. “Is it crazy to set a man on fire for playing a Beatles song?” asks Maurice. “No. It’s perfectly reasonable. Artists must accept the diktats of their moral superiors” says Maurice. “If they don’t do as they’re told, they deserve to suffer. It’s not about censorship, it’s about equality, and the only way to ensure equality is to scare everyone into obeying the left."

Tabloid journalist Wyonna Jazibil dreams of a world where it's illegal to criticize the left. “Thankfully, you can’t graduate from University without being politically indoctrinated. Since most jobs in the media and in the government require a University degree, more and more authoritarian progressives are taking over the machinery of the state and press. Within the next fifteen years, we’ll control everything. We’ll finally be able to impose our will on the rest of society and no one will be able to challenge us. I can’t wait.”

Todd thinks that progressives are courting disaster. “Most Canadians believe in equality,” says Todd. “They don’t, however, share the totalitarian beliefs that are quickly becoming entrenched among the new literati and bureaucratic mandarins. Today’s progressives are coasting on the good will earned by the progressives of yesteryear, and once people realize that the two are not the same, they will come down hard on these people. Musicians shouldn’t need to ask progressives for their permission before creating music, painters shouldn’t have to be afraid of angry university students before making art, and writers shouldn’t have to worry about being harassed by online lynch mobs."

Wyonna thinks Todd is a bigot. “I’m sorry, but Todd is an example of how screwed up our society has become,” says Wyonna. “He thinks he’s entitled to his own thoughts, but he isn’t. Obedience is the only true path to freedom."

What do you think? Is freedom of speech oppressive? Should artists only create art approved by liberal art graduates? Let us know!

Bernard Hardy, the MP for British Columbia's Kitsilano riding, faces growing calls to resign after making controversial remarks to supporters at a recent fundraiser, where he lauded the Saudi execution of Donald Rosling, a 28 year old Canadian DJ.

Mr. Rosling was on tour in the Middle Eastern kingdom when religious police arrested him for blasphemy, claiming that techno music is an insult to god, a sentiment that Mr. Hardy shares. “I’m not saying that governments should murder DJs,” Mr. Hardy told Ravenews, “but if they did, the world would be a much better place."

This sentiment is popular among conservatives, who claim that DJs pose a threat to Canada’s moral fibre. “As far as music genres go, EDM is to culture what serial killers are to peace and harmony,” says Mr. Hardy. “Tolerating DJs is the same thing as tolerating the absolute and utter destruction of Canada."

Mr. Hardy denies that such a point of view is at all extreme. “We have to face the facts, if we don’t kill DJs, DJs will kill Canada. That's a perfectly moderate point of view.”

This kind of rhetoric has many EDM fans up in arms. “I don’t feel safe in Canada anymore,” says DJ Fozzniak. “Every time I look out the window, I can see a conservative hiding in the bushes, looking at me with his binoculars. He’s just biding his time before he stabs me in the face."

Liana Louis, an 18 year old nu-disco DJ, shares his dread. “Conservatives are really scary,” says Liana. “Last night, I saw a conservative bite the head off a chicken while hitting a homeless man with a copy of the bible. You can’t trust people like that. How long before the conservatives starting rounding us up in camps, killing us by the thousands, and using our intestines to make soup?"

Montreal’s Bar L'Égalité La-La has come under fire for it’s decision to impose a surcharge on white men who buy drinks at the establishment.

“Since all white men under all circumstances are inherently more privileged than everyone else, everywhere, forever, we decided it was time to fight back against the monolithic, omnipresent, and immutable benefits that they receive over the rest of the world,” says bar owner Doug Bing.

Doug’s move has outraged civil libertarians across Canada while drawing warm reviews from Tumblr and Twitter users, who are quickly becoming the voice of policy for left-wing political parties.

Some critics find the move confusing, considering that Doug is a white male. “When I attack white men, what i’m really doing is attacking white men who are lower class,” says Doug. “Have you noticed how popular it is for wealthy white liberals to piss all over other white men? That’s because we’re not actually criticizing white men — we just use white as a code word for ‘white & poor’. We really just hate white men who aren’t as well off or as educated as we are, and we’ll be damned if we let them better their lot in life. We're pitting poor whites against poor minorities, that way no one can ever challenge us."

Civil libertarian Barry Oaks finds Doug’s honesty refreshing. “Doug’s intention isn’t to draw light on the injustice of systemic privilege,” says Barry “ It’s about creating a space that only attracts rich white men who aren’t price sensitive, the kind of men who have so much money it doesn’t matter what the beer costs. In a way, Doug should be commended for his honesty, because he’s one of the few progressives who admits that he only fights racism in ways that protect his class privilege, which is to say, he doesn’t fight racism at all, he uses it opportunistically for his own benefit. Some day, people will realize that the vast majority of University educated anti-racist whites are often more interested in keeping down the people directly beneath them than they are in raising minorities up. Their anti-racism is entirely contingent on maintaining their class privilege. "

Doug says he doesn’t mind being open about his intentions. “Eh, there’s no point hiding the truth anymore. Earnest anti-racism has now given way to ironic anti-racism. So anyways, if you’re a rich white guy, come over to Bar L'Égalité La-La, you’ll pay a little bit more for the privilege of sticking it to the poor! And that’s worth something, right there."

Montreal was struck by a bad case of clown violence this weekend, becoming the first city in North America to face by this strange, floppy shoed menace. The attack happened early Saturday morning, when a 23 year old man left a rave to go so buy some poutine. He soon found himself surrounded by a crowd of clowns on the corner of Rachel & St-Laurent, where witnesses say he was attacked with machetes and giant inflatable hammers. “It was brutal,” says paramedic Benoit Lagaffe. “He was in pieces by the time we got to there.”

Countries around the world have, in recent years, seen a sharp rise in clown related criminal activity. “The first attacks started in France,” says criminologist Victor Rire, “then they spread to England, Spain, Germany, and now Canada. We’re not sure why this is happening. We suspect it has something to do with the popularity of Chris Nolan’s The Dark Knight, a movie about a murderous clown preying on a man who dresses up as a human bat. People are highly susceptible to the culture they consume, and when they watch actors dressed as clowns terrorizing people, they instinctively want to imitate them. People are too stupid to tell the difference between movies and reality. That's a scientific fact."

Many academics agree. “People are just empty vessels through which culture propagates,” says sociologist Josephine DeMaistre, “and that’s why it’s important for us, as a society, to ban all art forms that promote morally incorrect political beliefs. If we don’t ensure that only the right kind of art is made, our entire civilization will be destroyed by killer clowns."

19 year old Tumblr user Anita Huggs shares Josephine's concerns. "Art is far too dangerous to be free," says Anita. "It needs to be heavily regulated by University undergraduates who possess just enough knowledge of critical theory to be obnoxious and insufferable. When people are free to create anything they want, they turn into murderers who wear red rubber noses. I know this is 100% true because I read a blog post that said it was. "

The Canadian Union for Professional Clowns released a statement that echoes the above concerns. “Most clown are peaceful people, dedicated to making the world a better, brighter place. Christopher Nolan’s 2008 depiction of a murderous clown has directly lead to today’s reality of violent clown gangs. He has caused us law abiding buffoons and jokers irreparable harm. We hope the government will intervene and ban future depictions of violent clowns."

Police, for their part, are having trouble tracking down the criminals who were responsible for the attack. “The citizens of Montreal should be on the look out for dangerous clowns,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “If you see someone wearing a colourful wig and holding a machete, do not approach them."

What do you think? Are violent clowns caused by Hollywood movies? Should people be afraid of floppy red shoes? Let us know!

Fun is no longer fun according to a recent survey of teenagers conducted by the Institute for Serious Studies. “Most teenagers have given up on enjoying themselves,” says pollster Jalbert Lecave. “We now live in a society that prioritize pleasure and fun, and in order to assert their independence and individualize, teenagers are increasingly turning to serious matters to distinguish themselves from their immature and irresponsible parents."

Jalbert is calling this the Serious Generation, who have chosen to rebel against pop culture by embracing all things serious. Julie Black is a 14 year old high school student who embodies this recent trend. “First there was norm core, but that didn’t go far enough,” says Julie. “Today, teenagers would rather learn accounting than listen to music, they’d rather file taxes than play videos, they’d prefer discuss regulations and bureaucratic manoeuvring than take drugs or have sex. Fun isn’t fun anymore. Unfun is fun."

The millennials who have started to overtake the media have noticed this trend. “I think a lot of teenagers are rebelling against what a bunch of pompous assholes the rest of us are,” says tech journalist Grand Connard. “Ever since Susan Montag said it was okay to take pop culture seriously, this was bound to happen. We’ve gone too far down that road, and now we take pop culture way too seriously, so kids are putting us in our place by rejecting pop culture and embracing all things serious. They’re rejecting kitsch in favour of things that purveyors of pop culture have yet to commodify or turn into status symbols. Bureaucracy is now in, paperwork is suddenly cool, listening to long lectures about soil erosion in Mongolia is now more appealing than listening to music."

Many event organizers and party promoters have also noticed this trend. “If my parties don’t offer seminars on taxes or paperwork or something like that, no one under 20 wants to attend them,” says promoter Joe Theriault. “The size of our crowds is dictated by how much DJs talk about the beauty of T4 forms."

Julie says she’s not surprised. “Ugh, can you imagine going to a party where people have fun? That’s sounds horrible. Bland is the new tasty, and boring is the new fun. That’s what we want."

A mob of angry progressives threw event organizer John Wilkinson off a bridge yesterday afternoon after confronting him over his controversial Squeeze Some Breasts for Charity event scheduled for March 21st.

Mr. Wilkinson survived the fall without suffering serious harm. “I don’t understand the amount of anger progressives have sent my way because of this charity event,” says Mr. Wilkinson. “All the money that we’re raising is going to breast cancer research organizations, everyone that’s involved in the event is participating of their own free will. We’ve hired a lot of security to ensure that our event is both safe and fun. It seems like a lot of progressives just really hate the idea of people being playfully sexual. When was the left overtaken by mean spirited anti-sex puritans?"

The Squeeze Some Breasts for Charity event was inspired by a similar yearly event in Japan in which porn stars let fans squeeze their breasts in exchange for donations to help fight aids.

“I thought that was a brilliant idea, so I wanted to organize something like that in Canada, except I wanted to throw in some techno music and dancing,” says Mr. Wilkinson. “Little did I know that I’d end up getting thrown off a bridge by sex negative liberals who think they have a right to tell grown men and women what they’re allowed to do with their bodies."

Progressives, for their part, dismiss the accusations. “The fact is, human sexuality need to be controlled and regimented by an enlightened progressive minority,” says Concordia professor Samathan Coolidge. “If we let people like Mr. Wilkinson organize parties where men and women are encouraged to touch each other for charity, we’re basically undermining the rights of women, which can only be protected by preventing individuals from asserting bodily autonomy. People are products of culture, we have no human individuality, we are 100% defined by our environment, and if we want to live rich and full lives, we have to submit to the political whims of a cultural minority of progressive puritans. The cacophony of sexual autonomy poses a dire threat to women’s rights, and that’s why it’s completely justifiable to throw a man off a bridge if he organizes a sex party. Vote NDP in 2015!"

What do you think? Are you Team Squeezing Breasts or Team Throwing Breast Squeezers Off Bridges? Let us know!

Happy Hardcore promoter Bryan Wigelton had an unexpected surprised on Tuesday when DJ Bosworth moved into his apartment without warning him.

“I got a knock on my door and DJ Bosworth was right there, standing in front of me,” says Bryan. “He asked if he could come in for a beer, and I said sure. The next thing I know, four other people follow in after him, all of them carrying boxes and furniture. I was so confused, I didn’t know what to do. By the time I regained my bearing, I had a new roommate. Now I’d feel bad kicking him out."

Drive-By move-ins are becoming increasingly common among people close to the city’s night life scene. “It’s the new thing. Out of work musicians will drop by your house and ask if they can hang out, and half an hour later, you’ll have a new roommate. I think the important thing to know is that if a musician wants to hang out with you, make sure they already have an apartment to live in. If they don’t, carry a bottle of mace and a blow horn, and the moment the movers appears, use both of them with extreme prejudice."

Pest control specialist Daryl Ikes agrees. “Out of work musicians are like bed bugs,” says Daryl. “The moment they move, it’s a real bitch to get them out. You need to really focus on prevention, because it costs a lot less than extermination. Forget the financial cost of kicking out a musician, just think of the emotional price you’ll have to pay."

Many out of work musicians say these characterizations are unfair. “Don’t think of it as gaining an unwanted house guest, think of it as going on a wonderful adventure with someone versed in the lyrical arts. You’re not losing your privacy, your gaining your very own bard."

Feminists across Montreal are declaring victory after dozens of clubs agreed to segregate their dance floors. “Women have suffered under the yolk of patriarchy for far too long,” says activist Marie Tuleshomme. “Today, we’ve won one another victory for women’s rights. Thanks to the progressive and humane thinking of these club owners, women will now be able to dance in peace and harmony, free from the oppressive glare of the male gaze."

The battle for segregated dance floors started last year, after Tumblr user Lily Cordial posted a note complaining about being eye raped while dancing at Foufoune Electrique, a popular downtown bar. “Men kept looking at me dancing, which is basically rape,” says Lily. “And I realized that in order to stop being eye raped, clubs needed to create segregated spaces so that men were no longer allowed to interact with women. That’s when my friends and I started lobbying the provincial government to pass a new affirmative consent act that would make it illegal for men to interact with women in any way, shape, or form, without first receiving explicit consent from them. Men shouldn’t be allowed to even look at a woman without her telling him it’s okay before hand."

Lily's post about her ideas inspired a hundred thousand reshares as feminists around the world rallied to her cause. “Gender equality requires legally enforced segregation combined with female centred affirmative consent,” says Lily. “Separate but equal is the first step to creating genuine progress. "

Club owners, for their part, say they’re protecting their own interests by segregating men from women. “The Liberal party of Quebec has tabled an affirmative consent bill that, once passed, will target second degree harassment,” says bar owner Leo Goudreau. "In effect, they’re expanding the definition of harassment so that business owners will be held culpable for the behaviour of their patrons. If a man, for example, flirts with a woman without her permission, a bar owner could be charged with second degree harassment, since it happened on their property. Rather than risk that, most of us are just going to make it impossible for men and women to interact."

While many feminists are celebrating the introduction of segregated dance floors, some believe more needs to be done. “Sure, we’ve got segregated dance floors for men and women, but we also need to create safe spaces for all the minorities that caucasian men oppress,” says Lily. “We need to go beyond gender, and focus on race and sexual orientation. We need a law that makes it illegal for white people to talk to black people, a law that makes it impossible for straight people to hang out with gay people. The key to creating equality is by ensuring the existence of legally enforced safe spaces where white men are not allowed to enter under threat of force. Only then will we live in a truly just and equal society."

When asked about class privilege, Lily laughs. "Class privilege doesn't exist. That's just nonsense that white men made up to avoid facing their culpability in perpetuating a deeply inequitable society."

Some people are worried that views like the above will inspire a backlash against feminism. “There’s a segment of the feminist movement that has gone bat shit insane,” says activist Kloe Maudite. “These are people who think the way to fight racism and sexism is by bringing back racial segregation and making it illegal for men to look at women. In the 1960s, the left fought against segregation, and today, they’re fighting to bring it back. You have progressives on Tumblr who think white people shouldn’t eat chinese food because that’s cultural appropriation. Many people who identify with the left are going to wake up in the next few years horrified by what people are doing in the name of equality."

Lily dismisses those concerns. “Kloe has internalized misogyny,” says Lily. “She doesn’t realize that the only reason she disagrees with me is that she hates being a woman."

Kloe is used to being dismissed by other feminists. “Feminism has been highjacked by white upper class University graduates,” says Kloe. “They don’t care about empowering us, they don’t care about liberating us, they only care about controlling and dominating us. They use the language of freedom in order to control people. It’s Orwellian. My one hope is that feminism manages to survive the puritanical reactionaries who have taken it over."

What do you think? Do you approve of segregated dance floors? Is it racist for white people to eat Chinese food? Is Kloe Maudite a self-hating misogynist? Let us know!

Dozens of ravers were killed over the weekend after a drone attacked an outdoor winter party.

“We were just dancing in the snow to the latest and greatest EDM beats when all of a sudden we heard this loud buzzing sound coming from the sky,” says party goer Samuel DeChamplain. “That buzzing noise gave way to a series of loud and fast BANG! BANG! BANG! sounds. I looked up and saw a machine gun floating in the sky and then I ran like hell."

Within seconds, people were falling to the ground. “The white snow turned ruby red,” says Samuel. “Have you ever seen blood soaked snow? It’ll give you carmine colored nightmares."

The drone was apparently equipped with a machine gun. “This was the first time on record of people being attacked by drones equipped with a machine gun,” says Sgt. Batista of the Montreal police department. “This is a worrisome development which we believe will have dire consequences for our society."

Ray Winston, the promoter of the outdoor winter party, says the event will be his last. “We now live in a world where flying machine gun robots can be used to attack ravers,” says Ray. “No one in their right mind should organize an outdoor party. The era of safe raving is over."

This makes some moral crusaders happy. “While we don’t necessarily condone flying machine gun robots, we’re happy to see that this event will be Ray’s last,” says Women Against Fun founder Marie Tuleshommes. “Our society is a decadent and degenerate mess that needs to be destroyed. People like Ray are out there trying to have fun when they should be rolling up their sleeves and smashing the patriarchy. The loss of human life is always a sad thing, but sometimes people deserve to die. If you’re out there having fun instead of fighting the system, don’t blame us if you get gunned down by a flying machine gun robot."

Many Concordia students are praising the promoter of the wildly successful Ironic Nazi Party, calling the event a brutal critique of the decadence and moral stagnation of Western civilization.

“Montreal’s first Ironic Nazi Party was so much fun,” says reveller Justin Tresblanc. “It was really transgressive and edgy. I hope it becomes a regular thing."

Revellers spent the night dancing to the nazi beats of DJ Hatesampler and his merry band of fascist provocateurs.

“I looked out my dorm room window and saw hundreds of people with little red bands on their arm and swastika shaped glowsticks in their hands,” says 19 year old Jennifer Greer. “They kept chanting Sieg Heil over and over again. It made me feel a little uncomfortable.”

That discomfort was exactly what event organizer Jordan Smith hoped to achieve. “We’re not really Nazi sympathizers,” says Jordan. “Our event is ironic. We threw a Nazi themed rave to shine a light on how oppressive liberal democracy is. The party itself was an act of performance art in which we reinterpreted the conformity of Nazi era Germans through a post-modern lens. At the end of the day, our party was meant to show how modern Canadians are worse than Nazi era Germans."

Sociologist Vlad Godwin thinks that Jordan’s event helps shine a light on the kind of dangerous thinking that has become common among Canadians. “I study the sociology of identity,” says Vlad. “And my research shows that liberal democratic societies are forty eight times more oppressive than fascist governments. Jordan’s rave was a brilliant critique of how regular Canadians are complicit in perpetuating a brutal political system that is far less humane than National Socialism. Jordan’s Ironic Nazi Party forces Canadians to confront how terrible they are on an immutable and intrinsic level. You’re offended by Nazis? Well, Canadians are even worse than Nazis. They need to own that fact and commit collective suicide.”

Many University students agree. “Okay, so Nazi Germany was sort of bad, but it was nowhere near as awful as Canada, which is basically hell,” says anthropology student Polly Mizzandro. “I never realized that until I started attending Concordia. My teachers here have opened my eyes as to how terrible our society is, how we are all personally responsible for it being terrible, and how our terribleness means we all deserve to die an agonizing death. The planet would be much better off if we just threw Western civilization in the trash. I had a great time at Jordan’s Ironic Nazi Rave. It felt like I was kicking our awful society right in the teeth. Ironic Sieg Heil!”

Some University professors find views like Polly’s troubling. “Off the record, I think Polly is dangerously misguided,” says one historian who refused to be named. “Her views are increasingly common among students, professors, and administrators. It’s gotten so bad, that you can’t even criticize Ironic Nazi Parties without fearing for your job. If I spoke out against this publicly, I’d be saying goodbye to my career. These days, if you don’t think liberal democracy is essentially and immutably awful, you can’t succeed as an academic. Department heads will blacklist you for being offended by so-called ironic nazi parties, which aren’t ironic at all. They were playing actual Nazi techno made by actual neo-nazis. The promoters, just like real nazis, hate democracy, hate capitalism, and hate freedom of speech. What’s ironic about that?”

40 year old Lanny Smith was out raving with her two sons when tragedy struck. “Matty stabbed Mike after they got into an argument over the musical talents of Steve Aoki,” says Lanny. “They’ve always been such competitive boys, and they take their musical preferences so seriously, but I never thought they’d stab each other over it."

Lanny says she’s been raving with her sons ever since they were old enough to hold a pair of glowsticks. “It’s been this long tradition, ever week we’d go raving. We’d drop some MDMA, snort some cocaine, make-out, and dance like no one was watching."

Many ravers aren’t surprised about the stabbing, saying that the entire Smith clan was a little crazy. “Parents who rave with their children are weird,” says party promote West Banner. “Party parents who make out with their adult children are twice as weird. Those who do so in public are beyond weird."

Lanny says it was all in good fun. “We viewed life as an act of performance art, we were always trying to push the boundaries of morally acceptable behaviour in order to comment on the emptiness of every day life. It was our way of giving society the middle finger. Matty and Mike stabbing each other was their last creative act, a tribute to how meaningless it is to care so much about musical genres, which are, at their heart, symbols of consumerist society, little tokens of status we use to adorn the hollow husks of our corporeal being."

Some art critics agree with Lanny. “If you accept Lanny’s antics as if she were earnest about them, then they’re disturbing,” says art historian Bernie Shaw. “If, however, you view them as ironic commentaries on the state of bourgeois capitalist society, they’re hilarious. One day, the death of Matty and Mike Smith will be considered the Mona Lisa of performance art."

Lanny hopes so. “I hope their tribute to the meaninglessness of capitalist society serves a purpose,” says Lanny. “I really do."

What do you think? Is making out with your mom and then stabbing your brother a courageous critique of capitalist society? Is raving with your parents a great way to rebel against social norms? Let us know!

Random yelling is the new hip thing according to pretentious journalists desperately looking for ways to make themselves seem sophisticated.

“We’ve pretty much done everything that can be done with music,” claims professional music reviewer Mayur Quetoi. “So now the big in-thing is anti-music. We’re talking about yelling and screaming while pretending to masturbate. We’re talking about caterwauling and moaning without instruments. We’re talking about howling and barking and crying and whining. That’s what people have to start listening to if they want to be part of the in crowd."

Obnoxious screaming is taking the music world by storm and Montreal promoters are jumping on the bandwagon. “From Tokyo to New York, yelling without rhythm, lyrics, or instruments is en vogue,” says event organizer Sti Tescon. “From now on, parties in Montreal will have more post-modernism and less music. Pointless screaming is better than EDM, it’s better than techno, it’s better than psytrance. It’s better than everything. You haven’t really lived until you’ve danced to the manic piercing screams of a dozen women yelling at you."

Many ravers are upset with the no-music-allowed policy that so many promoters have embraced. “Eh, fuck them,” says Sti. “Ravers don’t have to be our audience. Party goers don’t have to be our audience. Partying is dead. If you don’t want to listen to people yelling at you, if you don’t want to dance while people scream in your direction in a non-lyrical manner, you’re a terrible human being and you deserve to die."

Thanks to the popularity of anti-music, CDs of crying children are now flying off the shelves and climbing up the charts. “I’d much rather listen to a dozen babies wailing than to EDM,” says Concordia student Liana Budd. “That’s genuine, real emotion. It’s raw, it’s pure, it’s visceral. There’s no artifice, it’s not manufactured, it’s genuine, real sound free from the oppressive, racist, sexist -- but not classist, which isn't a thing -- trappings of the Industrial Entertainment Complex. Justin Bieber used to be the big thing on the radio, now it’s crying babies and screaming women. And I couldn’t be happier."

What do you think? Is anti-music better than techno? Would you like to go to a screaming-only dance party? Are babies the new pop stars? Let us know!

The Greater Montreal School Board has banned the Narnia novels in order to curtail LSD usage among students.

“Over the last two years, Going To Narnia has become a euphemism for dropping LSD,” says school board president Reginald Serieux. “In order to discourage students from Going to Narnia, we’ve placed a five year ban on the book series. Students will no longer be allowed to read the Narnia series on school property."

Parents, for their part, are being warned about the link between reading the Narnia series and getting high on LSD. “It’s important for parents to understand that while Going to Narnia starts with LSD, it often ends with crystal meth and five dollar blow jobs,” says Dr. Emmett Brownstone. “Banning the Narnia novels on school properties won’t, in and of itself, stop this menace from spreading. Parents need to be aware that if their children are reading the book series or are fans of the movies, they are most likely taking massive amounts of drugs."

Dr. Brownstone says parents are likely to find LSD tucked inside of the pages of a Narnia novel. “That’s where most teenagers are hiding their drugs these days,” says Dr. Brownstone. “Open up a copy of Narnia, and you’ll LSD on the first page."

Reginald Serieux says parents need to know that LSD is a gateway drug. “It might start with LSD, but it rarely ends with LSD. Don’t let your children near the Narnia series unless you want them turning tricks to support their drug habit."

Teenagers, for their part, dispute the claim that Going to Narnia is a euphemism for taking LSD. “They have it backwards,” says 15 year old Kelly Beaucoup. “Taking LSD is a euphemism for going to Narnia, not the other way around. Narnia is real, and old people are to square to go there."

A new study released by the Institute of Factual Science claims to show a link between infertility and loud music. “Our study does show that there is a definite relationship between the two,” says lead researcher Greg LeVrai. “The exact biology is a bit of a mystery. We’re not sure why it causes infertility, we only know that for every hour listening to loud music, the chance that your ovaries will fall out or that your sperm count will plummet increases by 0.1%.”

These numbers are astoundingly high. “We believe that this might explain the lower birth rates that seem to plague developed nations,” says Greg. “It makes sense. Birth rates fall as access to loud speakers increases. You’re not going to get good quality speakers in places where people can barely afford the necessities of life. Loud music is a luxury, a luxury that might be dooming the entire human race to extinction. The louder the music, the less children you have. As poverty is eradicated, and poor countries acquire more and more clubs equipped with high-quality speakers, I expect to see a sharp decline in birth rates across the board.”

Experts warn against buying into demographic doomsday scenarios. “Their study hasn’t even been peer reviewed,” says scientist Bard Youspoony. "Just because they call themselves the Institute of Factual Science doesn’t actually mean that they’re engaged in factual science. I could call myself Godzilla, but that doesn’t make me a giant lizard creature. I think, before jumping to conclusions, people should remember not to believe everything they read. Most newspapers these days are really nothing more than tabloids. Journalists suck at covering science. And I say that without equivocation. They’re awful — i’d even say they were criminally negligent, considering the amount of harm they unleash into the world. Most of the science stories you read in papers? They’re just republished press releases. Anyone can send out a press release. I could send one out tomorrow that says I’ve successfully conducted a study that proves vaginal farts can cure cancer, and newspapers would then reprint my news release word for word without bothering to fact check anything. Do you think science journalists even bother to read the studies they cover? Hell, most scientists don’t even bother to read the studies they cite in their own work.”

Greg says Bard’s criticisms are baseless. “We definitely conducted a study, and it will be submitted to a journal for peer review,” says Greg. “Someday, probably. Who knows. In the mean time, we want to make sure people know that they shouldn’t listen to loud music if they want to have children. We’re not trying to scare people, we’re trying to help them. Trust us. We're scientists."

Mickeen Magazine recently released it’s annual “Best Jobs in Canada List”, and the top honour went to being a Montreal DJ. This was a first, but it’s not a surprise to people who have been following the EDM scene’s rise to prominence in La Belle Province.

“Being a Montreal DJ is more than just a job,” says trance DJ Buzzlebourke. “It’s a way of life. The biggest shock isn’t that Mickeen Magazine decided that being a Montreal DJ was the best gig you can get in Canada, but that it took them so long to come to that conclusion.”

Mickeen, one of the oldest magazines in the country, has been releasing it’s Best Jobs list every year for the last three decades. “It took them that long to see the light,” says DJ Buzzlebourke. “I think english Canada can be a little slow to get hip to what’s happening in Montreal.”

So why is being a Montreal DJ such a great deal? To find out more, we’ve asked four different DJs in town what their favourite part of the job is.

1 - Montreal DJs get free poutine whenever they want, wherever they want

“It’s a little known secret,” says electro DJ Rabastaba, “but Montreal DJs get a lifetime supply of free poutine from the city of Montreal. Montreal values it’s nightlife, and in order to promote homegrown EDM, they started their TechnoPoutine program, which guarantees that DJs never starve in this city. They get fat on cheese and gravy.”

2 - Montreal DJs are sex gods

“Being a DJ in Montreal gets you laid like crazy,” says nitzhonot DJ Tonohzitn. “It’s almost like a super power. It doesn’t matter if you want to sleep with men or women or everything in between and beyond. Being a Montreal DJ is the ultimate aphrodisiac. It’s better than being a billionaire. I once had sex with fifty people in one day. It wasn’t very good sex, but I just wanted to see if I could do it. I could. So can you, if you become a DJ.”

3 - Montreal DJs get paid in golden age comic books and cocaine

“I’ll never forget the first time I played a gig in Montreal,” says house DJ Heumanix, “when the promoter went to pay for me, he gave me five kilos of cocaine and an original copy of Action Comics #1. That was the best night of my life. I now own eight original copies of Action Comics #1 and so much cocaine that I can build a family of snowmen out of it."

4 - Montreal DJs are immortal

“The number one reason for becoming a Montreal DJ,” says DJ Feinbaum, “Is that it grants you eternal life. And i don’t mean just feeling like you’re never going to die because you’re so high on all that cocaine promoters keep giving you. I mean, the moment you spin in a Montreal club, you stop aging. Your skin doesn’t wrinkle, your hair doesn’t go grey, your flashes never go hot and menopause never kicks in. You just remain timeless. Forever.”

With perks like these, it’s no wonder Mickeen decided that being a Montreal DJ was the best gig in town.

John Inglewood & Doreen Saddler, Promoters for Montreal’s Inaugural Ball Pit Rave, have come under fire for the exorbitant price that they’re charging for the event. “They’re selling tickets for $500 a pop,” says ball pit enthusiast Leena Lachance. “I love ball pits. I love jumping in them. I love playing in them. I love the idea of raving in a gigantic ball pit, dancing to some amazing music by some of Montreal’s finest DJs. I do not love the idea of paying $500 for the opportunity.”

Despite her resistance, Leena caved in and bought a ticket anyways. “Eh, I couldn’t say no to a ball pit rave. No one’s ever done it before. For $500, it better be amazing.”

John and Doreen say the high price is justified. “We’ve got an amazing DJ line-up, we booked one of the largest venues in Montreal, and we’ve bought over a hundred thousand plastic coloured balls to fill the venue up,” says Doreen. "On the bright side, if the event is a success, future ball pit raves will cost a lot less. You have no idea how expensive it is to buy a hundred thousand balls. Now that we own them, though, we predict that future parties will only cost $400 a ticket. That’s a huge discount!”

Many ravers don’t see what the big deal is with ball pits. “I don’t think dancing in a ball pit sounds like much fun,” says 19 year old party girl Kayla Quinn. “I mean, it might be fun for like three minutes, but if you spend an entire night dancing in a waist deep ball pit, you’re going to have knees so bruised that you’ll feel like a call girl at a Republican convention. It just sounds like a bad idea.”

Other ravers disagree. “Man, ball pits are the best,” says overly enthusiastic 45 year old creepy party guy Michael Muggles. “I always love the crowd that ball pits attract. A rave that’s just one giant ball pit? That warms the cockles of my old, skeevy heart."

Montreal promoter Edwin Vigo has so much money, he doesn’t know what to do with it all. “I’m so damn rich, I just don’t know how to spend all my money,” says Edwin. “It’s the kind of problem few people are burdened with, and it really is a burden. Having too much money is a lot like not having enough to eat, it warps your psychology and skews the way you see the world.”

Edwin, though, has come up with a solution to his cash problems. “Well, I figured I’d spread the wealth by hiring half a dozen people to follow me around with a boombox,” says Edwin. “They’ll provide my life with a moment-to-moment soundtrack that I can share with the world in real time. When something exciting happens, they’ll start playing up tempo music, and maybe breakdance or beatbox a little bit. When something sad happens, they’ll put on some really depressing classical music, and maybe pantomime the act of crying. When sexy times are afoot, they can put on some Enya or some Pantera, depending on whether or not i’m about to have romantic love or a hard and dirty gang bang. My boombox posse will interpret the mood of every single moment in my life, and translate it into theatrical terms."

Edwin denies having gotten the idea from a family guy episode. “I totally came up with it on my own,” says Edwin. “I am unique and original, and having other people provide my life with a constant soundtrack is the perfect way of displaying my originality while also lightening my pocket book. It’s two birds with one stone, and I think it’ll be a ton of fun.”

This isn’t the first time a rich person hired a bunch of people to follow them around. “Gwen Stefani, the lead singer of No Doubt, once hired a bunch of Japanese women to follow her around for no reason,” says wealthologist Ray Engels. “The very, very wealthy often adorn their lives with poor people. It’s a way of constantly reminding the working class that the most they can ever aspire to become is furniture for the rich.”

Edwin denies that his boom box posse is in poor taste. “They’re not furniture” says Edwin. “They’re background noise. I think that’s a very important distinction.”

To apply for Edwin’s boom box posse, visit Montreal’s craigslist classified section.

Several companies in Montreal are experimenting with a new employee retention strategy: the office rave. “Organizational psychologists believe that employees are more likely to be loyal to a company that embodies their values,” says consultant Bob Greyson. “Millennials are the rave generation. They’re the generation that grew up on techno, teletubbies, and thc. They’re values are rave values, and that’s why more and more businesses are rave-ifying the workplace.”

Consolidated Synergetic Solutions, a tech firm based in the old port of Montreal, starts every work day with a mini rave. “We have a DJ who plays jungle every morning from 7am to 10am,” says CEO Chad Stiff, “and that’s not all. We also give out free glow sticks and water bottles to our employees. Our office raves have really boosted employee morale.”

Jennifer Williams is one such employee. “I used to hate going to work,” says Jennifer. “But now, I can’t wait! Every day starts with a rave. My cubicle used to feel so confining, but now it doesn’t — because i’m allowed to dance in it.”

Not everyone thinks businesses should rave-ify their offices. “What about people who don’t like techno or EDM or dancing or having fun?”, asks lawyer Hubert Sourlaigh. “I think mandatory raving isn’t a good idea. You can’t force your employees to enjoy themselves. If you want to create a welcoming work environment that promotes loyalty, instead of hiring DJs and playing jungle, you should focus on helping your employees accomplish things that bring meaning to their lives. Office raves just distract employees from how terrible their jobs are. It’s just bread and circus for the masses.”

Chad doesn’t see it that way. “Office raves are the future,” says Chad. "Anyone who doesn't want to rave first thing in the morning doesn't deserve to work."

Alvin Costler was arrested over the weekend and charged with making a false statement after convincing his girlfriend that he had been murdered. “He sent his girlfriend a text message stating that he was being chased by an angry mob after he accidentally ran over someone’s dog,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM. “He told her that they had caught up with him, that they were about to run him off the road, and that he was scared for his life, that they were shooting at him, and that he loved her. Then he closed his phone and stopped sending her messages. In reality, the whole story was an elaborate lie Mr. Costler made up so that he could attend a psytrance rave by himself.”

Friends of Alvin say that he never enjoyed going to parties with his girlfriend. “It’s not that he was out there trying to pick up other women,” says best friend Barry Minnow, “it’s just that he enjoyed having time to himself every now and then. Faking his own death, though, was pretty boneheaded.”

His girlfriend, Alyss Zarniss, agrees. “He wanted some time to himself,” says Alyss. “Now he’s going to get a whole lot time to himself. We’re through. I never want to see him again. And I hope this story is the first thing you'll find when you search his name on the internet, because I want all his future girlfriends to know what kind of man they're dating.”

Alvin isn’t the first man to get arrested for faking his own death for the sake partying solo. “There’s a surprisingly large number of men who think faking crimes is the best way to get out of spending time with their girlfriends,” says Sgt. Barrista. “In 2013, a Texan man faked his own kidnapping so he could go out drinking with friends. Just last week, a British man faked his own kidnapping so he could stay out partying.”

Some men even go so far as to committing actual crimes. “I think there are a lot of dumb men out there,” says Sgt. Barrista. “If you need some alone time, you’re better off learning how to communicate your boundaries to your partner instead of lying to them. And if you are going to lie to them, why not lie in a way that doesn’t waste the time of the police? You know, tell them your grandmother died or that you’re visiting the doctor because you think have cancer. Don’t tell them you’re being kidnapped or attacked by a violent mob. That’s just stupid."

Montreal’s nightlife community is in the grip of pyromania as countless teenagers set themselves on fire for the amusement of strangers over the internet. “I don’t know why people started setting themselves on fire for fun,” says 18 year old high school student Eric Bornival, “and I don’t care. Sometimes, life doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to be awesome, and there’s nothing quite as awesome as dousing yourself in oil and getting your flame on.”

Eric is just one of many teenagers taking the fire challenge. “It’s a lot older than the ice bucket challenge,” says fire challenger Gregory McCool. “It’s been going on for at least a year now, and there are at least hundreds of videos of teenagers lighting themselves on fire on youtube. It’s the new planking.”

Montreal’s clubs are getting in on the act, with at least six of them offering discounts and free alcohol to customers who agree to be lit on fire by their bartenders. “I love spraying my customers with vodka before lighting them with a match,” says 29 year old mixologist Edna Ebeneizer. “I hope the fire challenge never goes away, because the highlight of my night is seeing my customers roll around on the floor as flames eat away at their flesh. It’s mesmerizing.”

Professional anti-fun warriors think the challenge is too extreme for Canada, and that the government needs to step in and put a stop to it. “I don’t care if lighting yourself on fire is dangerous,” says 45 year old accountant Rachel Valois, “but I find it very bothersome that so many people seem to enjoy it. Taking the fire challenge poses a threat to our society’s wellbeing. Teenagers shouldn’t be having so much fun. There’s no place for pleasure in Canada and it’s important that the government take a stand against this latest hobby before it’s too late. If we don’t stop teenagers from having fun now, they’ll turn into adults who think that having fun is a human right. It isn’t. We need to make sure people understand that. Life isn’t about being happy, it’s about being miserable. People shouldn’t be lighting themselves on fire for fun, they should be doing it because they deserve to suffer.”

Eric doesn’t see it that way. “I don’t think i’d ever set myself on fire again if it stopped being fun,” says Eric. “I hope that i’ll still be dousing myself in gasoline when i’m a cranky old man with white hair. I want to spend my life doing what I love and I encourage everyone else to follow my example. All you need is some gasoline, some matches, and a hunger for happiness.”

Montreal’s party scene is about to get a lot less comfortable as club owners prepare to implement Quebec’s controversial public safety law Bill 193. Under the new law, clubs that wish to hold on to their liquor licenses will have to implement a set of new safety measures to ensure that drug dealing doesn’t happen on their premises. The most egregious of these measures is one some lawyers say is unconstitutional. “They now expect bouncers to do random cavity searches of customers,” says civil rights advocate Preston Bofesse. “It’s outrageous. It’s totalitarian. It’s ridiculous. It’s a lot of things, but it isn’t a good law. It’s the opposite of that. Now that we’re forcing private businesses to violate the integrity of their customers anal canals as part of our war on drugs, it’s safe to say that our political leaders have lost the plot.”

Defenders of Bill 193 don’t see it that way, however. “I think anyone who is against Bill 193 has a faulty moral compass,” says drug warrior Bianca LeCavalier. “Drugs have ruined millions upon millions of lives, and we as a society need to band together and confront this threat using every tool at our disposal. Prisons have used random cavity checks for decades in their fight against drugs, so it’s only natural that the rest of society follow their lead.”

Bianca hopes that Bill 193 will prove so successful, that politicians will expand its scope to cover the whole of society instead of just clubs. “Imagine living in a country where our children are no longer being threatened by drug abuse,” says Bianca. “We can live in that society, but first we need to grant the police a universal right to perform random cavity checks on citizens. I honestly think that’s the key to winning our war on drugs.”

Public safety officials share her view. “The threat of the state rummaging through your internal organs has a deleterious effect on drug use,” says Dr. John LeJawn, who helped craft the law. “This is a scientific fact. If you live in constant fear of the state violating you in the most inappropriate ways, you’re much less likely to ever want to take drugs. A state of chronic fear inhibits human agency, which minimizes the risk of people violating laws. Bill 193 doesn’t go far enough, but it’s a good start. Quebec will be a much safer place once everyone is thoroughly terrified of the government."

A 27 year old Montreal woman was rushed to the hospital after falling into a shark tank at an ocean themed rave. “I think this is the first known shark attack to ever happen in Montreal,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM. “It’s a very unusual incident. We are not considering this an accident, since owning sharks is prohibited under Quebec law. We believe that the promoter has committed a variety of felonies and are considering pressing charges once we ascertain his or her identity. ”

Party goers say that the shark tank was poorly secured. “It was basically an inflatable toy pool with a hungry white shark in it,” says 23 year old Macy Fenard. “I don’t know how anyone thought that was a good idea. Imagine being a shark, in a toy pool, in a small room surrounded by hundreds of people dancing to EDM that's loud enough to blow your eardrums. If I was that shark, I would have wanted to eat some ravers too.”

No one seems to know where the promoter got the shark or why he felt that his party needed one. “I don’t even know how the hell the promoter even got a shark into the city,” says Sgt. Barrista of the SPVM, “that’s not the easiest thing to accomplish.” The promoter’s identity is also a bit of a mystery. “I think the guy who threw the party was the son of a rich Russian tycoon,” says Macy. “That would explain why he was able to get the shark into Canada. When you’re rich, you can make your own laws, and the impossible becomes possible."

Sgt. Barrista agrees. “It’s true, if the promoter does turn out to be wealthy, we’ll probably let him go with just a warning,” says Barrista. “Rich people are simply better than poor people, and they shouldn’t be punished as heavily as the rest of society. That’s just good common sense.”

Macy isn’t so sure. “Um, I think everyone should be equal under the law,” says Macy. “I understand that not a lot of people agree with me. It is a pretty extreme point of view to have nowadays. Oh well, I hope the next party I go doesn’t have any white sharks.”

Feminists from across America are flocking to Toronto to attend one of the city’s wildly popular ladies only Bang-a-DJ parties. “The birth of the Bang-a-DJ party is the biggest thing to happen to feminism since Valerie Solanas published the SCUM manifesto,” says part-time misandrist Curlita Sue. “They’re absolute game changers. Hating men has never been as easy, enjoyable, or arousing as it is today thanks to these parties.”

Bang-a-DJ parties start with sex and end with catapults. “The evening begins with women literally screwing the patriarchy,” says intersectional calvanist Beverley Tuleshum, “or at least some of patriarchy’s most loathsome members: DJs. First the DJs are sexually destroyed using feminist voodoo magic, then they're placed into a catapult and launched into Lake Ontario. There’s really nothing as cathartic as hurling a male DJ into the sky using a catapult.”

Bang-a-DJ parties are controversial, but attendees can’t get enough of them. “Some people think that what we’re doing is wrong, but those people are mistaken and deserve to die,” says professional male tear drinker Debbie Donogan. “Our parties are healthy, respectful, and a necessary antidote to the deeply misogynistic undercurrents of modern society."

Melissa Snusnu, sole heiress to the Snusnu diamond mining dynasty, organized the first bang-a-DJ party last year. “We didn’t call them that at first. The idea for the event hit me after I got back from the last Bilderberg meeting,” says Melissa. “My chauffeur had just finished driving me home from the airport. He got out of the car to open the door for me when this homeless man walked up to us and asked me for a dollar. I couldn’t believe that this guy, with all his privilege and power, would ask me for anything. I realized that feminism had fallen on some hard times when men like him had the nerve to terrorize someone as oppressed as I am. I was so angry, I decided to do something about it.”

Two days later, Melissa Snusnu was on her yatch — along with a dozen homeless men, a giant catapult, a dance DJ, and several hundred women. “We started by catapulting the homeless men into Lake Ontario while the DJ played some EDM,” says Melissa. “It was a blast. The sight of all those oppressive homeless men flying into the sky excited us on a deep, primal level. Smashing the patriarchy really gets the blood flowing, if you know what I mean. We were so turned on, we couldn’t help but ravish the DJ. Then, when he was fully spent, we put him in the catapult and launched him into the lake too.”

Melissa’s guests enjoyed themselves so much, she started organizing Bang-a-DJ parties every month. “After a few parties, we started focusing exclusively on DJs. Sure, catapulting homeless men is cool, but ravishing and then catapulting DJs is even better,” says Melissa. “DJs offer more bang for your patriarchy smashing buck.”

Critics find the whole thing baffling. “I don’t understand how they keep finding DJs to catapult into Lake Ontario,” says internet pundit John Strawman. "Who volunteers for that? Also, as a man, I may be speaking out of turn, but I really don’t see how these parties have anything to do with feminism.”

Debbie scoffs at critics like John. “Oh, sure, like we’re going to listen to a guy lecture us about feminism. That’s not how this works,” says Debbie. "If women say feminism is about sex and catapults, then that’s what it’s about. And it is. Catapulting DJs from yatchs subverts the patriarchal narrative of male superiority while redefining masculinity within an intersectional framework that challenges the hierarchical privileges permeating the contested spaces of our everyday experiences. And it’s a lot of fun."

The next bang-a-dj party takes place September 16th at the Grand Dame of Misandry Yatchclub.

A survey to be published by the Polling United Union Company is sure to shock the EDM community. “We asked respondents about their criminal background and their answers were startling,” says pollster Esther Rabbit. “The vast majority of people who listen to EDM have been arrested at least once in their life for a violent crime.”

The pollster reveals that the link between EDM and violence isn’t entirely shocking. “We know, based on recent scientific studies, that electronic dance music harms the brain’s amygdala, causing it to become overactive,” says Esther. "The amygdala helps regulate the bodies emotional reactions to stress, and is sometimes colloquially called the brain’s anger management centre. Now, the science still isn’t clearly understood, but our survey at least helps buttress what researchers have found. People who listen to EDM have temper control issues.”

According to the survey, 85% of EDM fans have been arrested for punching a stranger in the face. “Punching strangers in the face is by far the most common violent crime committed by EDM fans,” says Esther. “It’s strange, but the vast majority of EDM related violence involves strangers, which is very different than most violence profiles. Only a handful of EDM listeners have ever been arrested for assaulting someone they know.”

Criminologist Berkeley Klimt is intrigued by the unusual findings “Most violent acts happen between people who know each other,” says Berkeley. “You’re much more likely to be raped or murdered by a friend or family member than you are by a complete stranger. The fact that EDM music inspires violence against strangers is fascinating. It’s also horrifying, but I believe that researching the link between EDM music and stranger violence will help us devise social interventions and political policies that might one day put an end to certain kinds of violence.”

Should parents add pregnancy parties to their list of things to worry about? “Pregnancy parties are, bluntly speaking, EDM fueled orgies where teenage girls go to get pregnant,” says urbanologist Keith Cliffords. "They supposedly feature a stable of young men, known as studs, who have sex with young girls who are looking to get knocked up. The studs are then rated on their performance by the teenage girls. Poor performers are kicked out of the party, while good performers are invited to future events.”

Most people think pregnancy parties are an urban legend. “I don’t believe that they actually exist,” says Keith. “I’ve never been presented with any evidence that prove pregnancy parties are a real thing. I’m pretty sure it’s just one of those hoaxes people made up to freak parents outs.”

The idea that pregnancy parties aren’t real doesn’t go over well with professional news columnist Bonny Balensha. “I don’t care if they’re real or not, pregnancy parties are still outrageous," says Bonny. "There is so much about them that outrages me, that I’m not sure where to begin. First, there’s the whole problem that we live in a society where teenage girls feel that the only way they’ll ever be worth anything is if they become pregnant. Then you have all these teenage boys who are abusing their male privilege by impregnating these girls, which is a deeply hateful act and just shows that all men ever do is objectify women. Then, to add insult to injury, the girls have to listen to EDM while being impregnated! That’s just outrage upon outrage upon outrage. I for one, am thoroughly indignant. It doesn’t matter if these parties don’t exist, the fact that they might exist is enough to make me angry. It should make everyone angry!”

Bonny believes that the only way to put a stop to pregnancy parties is by buying her books and reading her newspaper columns. “Okay, maybe pregnancy parties aren’t real. However, that doesn’t matter. The only guaranteed way to put a stop to pregnancy parties is by making misogynists, which is anyone with a penis, read my book ‘Why Men Are Terrible At Everything Forever’, and my follow-up book ‘If You’re Not Always Angry Then You’re A Bad Person’. Reading these two books will put an end to pregnancy parties and the underlying misogyny that sustains them. Until my third book comes out, at which point you’ll have to read that one too, because otherwise the pregnancy parties will come back. In fact, the only 100% guaranteed way to put an end to pregnancy parties is to keep buying my books and to always be angry when I tell you to be angry. That’s a fact. There are studies that prove this.”

Critics think Bonny is self-serving. “I think Bonny belongs to a class of pundits that have successfully monetized outrage,” says Keith. “They’ve co-opted progressive movements for their own personal gain. They profit from making people angry. They don’t want to solve problems, they don’t want to make the world a better place. They just want to protect the status quo, because angry people means ad views, and ad views means money. People need to step back, relax, and realize that the world isn’t as awful as the outrage mongers make it out to be. The next time you read something on the internet that pisses you off, ask yourself if that’s by design. There’s money in outrage. Never forget that. Follow the outrage, and you’ll find someone making a fortune off of it."

This November Germany will host Essen Mich, the world’s first Cannibalism Rave, says promoter Erik Lebensabschnittgefährter. “Germany is home to the world’s largest cannibalism fetish community, and this fall our community is going to have a coming out party that will rock your flesh off,” says Erik. "There will be dancing, there will be techno, and there will be cannibalism. What more could you want? Tickets are only thirty dollars, though supplies are limited. We’re keeping our first party nice and cozy, since no one has ever done anything like it.” Over fifteen DJs are lined up to play the event, which will involve plenty of consensual people eating.

“Germany is one of the most progressive countries when it comes to matters of consent,” says lawyer Bernard Veinlit. “In many countries, you can’t eat other people, even if they consent to be eaten. Not so in Germany. And I think this is important, because it emphasizes that human beings belong to themselves, not to the governments they live under. If you feel like cutting off your arm and feeding it to another person, you should be free to do so. I think it’s the height of puritanism to dictate how other people can use their bodies.”

Essen Mich will also feature an on-site surgeon to help amputate party goers who would like to donate body parts to the grand feast. “I’ve already booked my plane ticket. I can’t wait to go!,” says American Bob Pasdepieds. “I’ve been dreaming of watching someone eat me for so long, and now I’ll finally get to experience it for real. You’d never be able to throw a cannibalism party in America. ”

Bob isn’t the only cannibal tourist. “We’re expecting dozens of people from around the world,” says Erik. “I do think that Germany will one day reap millions of dollars in cannibal related tourism. It’s a very common fetish, though most people are too shy to talk about it in public. I hope to change that, to encourage people to speak up and to speak out about their kinks. It’s okay to want to be skewered, roasted, and eaten. It’s perfectly natural, and it’s just silly to feel ashamed about this sort of thing.”

Some people aren’t so sure. “I think it’s shameful that there are no laws in place to prevent such a gathering,” says German M.P Irene Keinspaß. “We may not be able to pass any laws in time to stop the first Essen Mich, but I will push to pass a law so that there is no second Essen Mich.”

Erik doesn’t think her efforts will be successful. “Germany has a long tradition of political tolerance,” says Erik. “I’m positive that Essen Mich will succeed, and will continue to succeed for years and years to come."

Dozens of Universities across Canada are getting ready to expand their course offerings to include degrees in twerking, grinding, and liquid dancing. “It’s time for us to modernize Universities so that they better reflect the interests and skill set of the current generation,” says Basil Grompet, president of the Council for Real Attainment and Productivity, a think tank that plays an instrumental role shaping educational policies in Canada. “In 2015, twenty six Universities across Canada will begin offering degrees in Appropriative Urban Dance. It’s a bold, aggressive move that will keep our country at the cutting edge of human potential.”

Research shows that twerking, grinding, and liquid dancing are growth industries. “According to our projections, these three art forms will soon rival the computer sciences in terms of profitability and social importance,” says Basil. "It’s not an exaggeration to say that they’ll soon become the very heart of our economy. In the next ten years, five out of eight jobs will involve some level of twerking, grinding, and liquid dancing. Students who don’t master these three crucial art forms will be at a real disadvantage in the years ahead.”

Not everyone is as bullish about the future of these dance forms. “I just don’t see how tweaking, grinding, and liquid dancing could ever become integral to the economy,” says high school student Bernie Higgins, “but if important, highly educated people are telling me that I need to get a degree in Appropriative Urban Dance in order to succeed in life, then I guess maybe I should listen to them.”

Basil believes everyone should follow Bernie’s example. “Fifteen years ago, we told countless people that the key to economic success was to fall into a pile of debt while pursuing a liberal arts degree. We were right then, and we’re right now. If you want to live the high life, you need to learn to twerk, grind, and liquid dance.”

The small Eurasian country of Wakandistan successfully passed a law last week that makes raving punishable by death. “Raving is nothing more than western decadence,” says Wakandistani M.P Brüt Legøme. “It’s a sign of moral impurity. By tolerating raving, the people of Wakandistan open themselves up to spiritual decay, and so we say, it is better to kill a raver, than to risk sending the souls of our people to the fiery pits of eternal hell.”

Wakandistan, like Abkhazia and South Ossetia, is a breakaway republic that lacks international recognition. “The only people that recognize Wakandistan are Russia and a few of its key allies,” says European historian Bàlzac Zwetty. “This law banning raves is just a bit of sabre rattling inspired by current geopolitics. It’s a way of letting the world know that Wakandistan stands with Russia against Western imperialism.”

The sentiment throughout Eurasia has become increasingly divisive, as more and more of its inhabitants turn against the west. “The war on raving is just a symptom of a greater conflict,” says Bàlzac. “I doubt any ravers are actually going to be stoned to death, no matter what the laws say. This is just for show.”

Brüt Legøme denies that this law is just a matter of theatrics. “No, we will definitely kill anyone we catch raving within our borders,” says Brüt. “That’s not all, our bill also criminalizes all EDM music. Anyone who is caught listening to techno and any if its musical relatives will face corporal punishment. Twenty lashes for psystrance, forty for dubstep, sixty for electro. It’s important for Wakandistan to set firm boundaries vis-a-vis western cultural imperialism. We will not tolerate the decadent electronic music of the great satanic occident. Wakandistan is a pure and noble country, and we shall remain pure.”

Bàlzac remains unconvinced. “I still thinks it’s all for show. Brüt himself used to be a techno DJ. The entire Wakandistan parliament throws EDM parties every Saturday. They say they’re going to kill ravers, but what they really mean is that they’re going to kill ravers who are politically opponents to the Wakandistan regime. If you’re pro-Wakandistan, you can listen to all the techno you want, and no one will touch a single hair on your body.”

The EDM History Museum opened last week in Montreal, and it’s not for the faint of heart. The museums collection of historical mementos is mostly benign, except for the top floor, which is positively grotesque. “The first three floors have visitors explore the history of techno music by acquainting them with old school vinyl records, photographs and videos of old raves, collections of flyers and that sort of thing,” says party promoter Glenn Buckholme. “I really wasn't expecting the fourth floor though. It’s full of taxidermied people wearing raver fashions from each era of techno. It’s creepy as hell.”

The idea of filling a museum full of dead ravers, each dressed up to represent a particular era of techno, occurred to founder Donald Gluteentag one day in April when he was high on pcp. “I had a vision of a museum full of dead ravers, and it just made sense to me. Now people can see what raving used to be like by seeing what ravers used to look like.”

It wasn't long before Donald had secured a bunch of corpses through the online classified website Gregslist. “After getting the corpses, I dressed them in some old raver clothing. It was a bit like playing with life sized barbie dolls. Now, when you walk the hall of dead ravers, it’s like stepping into a time machine,” says Donald. “It’s almost as if you're actually in 1988, dancing in a warehouse in Chicago.”

Glenn isn't so sure. “It feels more like you're in a serial killer’s attic,” says Glenn. “If that’s what raving used to feel like, I'm happy it’s not 1988 anymore.”

Donald Glutentaag is used to the criticism. “I operate over forty five museums in ten different countries,” says Donald. “I try to make each more controversial than the last. The key to financial success is giving people something to talk about. If you're not stepping on anyone’s toes, you're not going to make any money.” Most museums these days have trouble paying the bills, while Donald’s rake in the cash. “Being creepy sells,” says Donald.

The man behind the dead raver museum doesn't plan on stopping there. “I’m having discussions with several party promoters about lending out my collection of raver corpses for their parties,” says Donald. “In the near future, you'll be able to go to parties decorated with stuffed ravers. That’s the future of partying, right there.”

Conkordia students have rallied around 24 year old Bill Bradley after University admission officials refused to recognize that plur was a rave. “They refused to process one of my admission forms and discriminated against me because I don't conform to socially constructed gender binaries,” says Bill. “I am not a man or a woman, I am a rave. I don’t want people referring to me as a he or a him, I want them to use my preferred pronoun plur. When talking about me, it’s not he is a man, but plur is a rave. After getting a tumblr account and taking a handful of introductory classes on post-modernism, I have transcended the limiting, hierarchical notions of gender constructs and demand that the University accept my new gender designation. They refuse to obey me, so I organized a protest."

Conkordia students say the protests are just the tip of the iceberg. “The old gender binaries are dying,” says tumblr theorist and protestor Jessica Langley. “They’re dying because we are killing them with pure rage. Soon, everyone will recognize our moral superiority. We are the chosen ones. All hail tumblr."

Bill Bradley isn’t alone in adopting new genders. “People on tumblr come up with new genders every day,” says Bill. “You’ve got star genders, for people who identify as star dust. Ultragenders, for people who can’t be confined by gender spectrums. Gloomgenders, for people who identify as sad emo songs written by suburban white boys. The fact is, gender isn’t real. People can be anything they want. I want to be a rave. That’s what I identify as, and anyone who refuses to respect my chosen gender, anyone who challenges me and says I’m not a rave, well they’re discriminatory scumbags who are literally worse than Hitler.”

Conkordia professor Aylmer Fuddlesticks agrees. “I try to teach my students that it’s important to challenge gender binaries,” says Aylmer. “And the best way of resisting gender orthodoxy is by embracing pure, wilful hatred of those who disagree with you. Some people think social justice is all about empathy and compassion. Those people are wrong. Contempt, scorn, and hate are the true key to making the world a better place. Just look at Stalin, now that was a guy who knew how to get things done. I’d like to think everyone has a bit of Stalin in them, and it’s my job as a University professor to cultivate that side of their personality."

Bill says that while University has been a great place to learn how to dehumanize other people, it’s really Tumblr that taught him the true value of contempt. “I found a community of people on Tumblr who taught me that it was okay to hate those who don’t recognize that I am a rave,” says Bill. “I don’t think i’d ever have accepted my true rave nature if not for tumblr. Now I’m not just the life of the party, I am the party."

Many transgendered people find the rise of dime-a-dozen tumblr genders disconcerting. “I think folks like Bill Bradley make life harder on actual transgendered people who struggle with very real, very harmful discrimination,” says social activist Bernice Oldham. “The transgender community needs a great deal of help, support, and understanding from the rest of society, and people like Bill are making it harder for them to get that.”

Bill scoffs at the idea that plur's making life harder on transgendered people. “I am every bit as transgendered as actual transgendered people. I have suffered incredible injustice at the hands of those who don’t recognize that I am a rave,” says Bill. “And my fight for acceptance has made the world better for everyone."

Dubstep has taken the world by storm, but it’s popularity comes at a real cost. “Most people don’t realize just how dangerous dubstep is,” says safety expert Rufus Rongelle. “They don’t know dubsteps dubious history, they don’t know about the threat it poses to social stability, they don’t know about it’s relationship to satanism. They’re ignorant of it’s downside. That needs to change.”

It does, and that’s why Ravenews has teamed up with Rufus to help educate the masses about the downsides of dubstep.

1 - Dubstep was created by the U.S Military

You can’t talk about the dangers of dubstep without talking about the hows and whys of dubstep’s creation. In the late 1990s, scientists working at a covert military DARPA base were experimenting with ways to weaponize sound. Their discoveries lead to the creation of weapons like sound cannons, which police forces around the world now use to disperse protesters.

It isn’t widely known, but these scientists were responsible for the creation of dubstep. “It turns out that dubstep is weaponized sound,” says Rufus. “However, the effects of dubstep are very subtle and only become obvious over long stretches of time. That’s why the American government abandoned their dubstep initiative.”

Unfortunately, that didn’t stop one of the scientists from leaking dubstep to the public. “It’s a bit like the time the CIA created aids,” says Rufus. "They didn’t expect it spread as fast as it did. Now, we have people around the world who are slowly committing suicide via weaponized music, and they don’t even realize it."

2 - Dubstep causes unwanted pregnancies

One of the most startling effects of dubstep is that it makes birth control impossible. “Dubstep alters human biology on a granular level,” says Rufus. “One of the side effects of these changes is that traditional birth control no longer works. That’s why women who listen to dubstep are much more likely to get pregnant than those who don’t.”

The last ten years has seen a sharp rise in unwanted pregnancies, and the government has been loath to take responsibility for that. “No one wants to admit that dubstep is to blame,” says Rufus. “It’s important for people to educate themselves. If you listen to dubstep, make sure to use a condom, because the pill isn’t going to help you."

3 - Dubstep makes you shorter

One of the more serious side effects of dubstep is that it makes people shorter. “Teenagers who listen to dubstep pay a physical price for their taste in music,” says Rufus. “Studies show that teenage dubstep fans can expect to sacrifice at least four inches in height.”

The reason for this is that dubstep weakens the bodies ability to process nutrients. “It’s the same mechanism that causes all those unwanted pregnancies. Basically, dubstep confuses the body until it no longer knows how to digest things anymore."

4 - Dubstep is addictive

Dubstep is just as addictive as heroin. “Dubstep activates the same neural pathways that other addictive substances activate,” says Rufus. “It wreaks havoc on the brains dopaminergic system and utterly enslaves the nucleus accumbens, the part of the brain that manages feelings of reward and impulsivity. If you listen to a lot of dubstep, you’ll never be able to stop."

5 - Dubstep promotes Satanism

It’s been theorized that the scientist who leaked dubstep to the public was part of a satanic cabal. “There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that dubstep was really a satanic plot to bring down america,” says Rufus. “A lot of people think that’s outlandish, but before your readers dismiss it out of hand, they should really investigate satanism to properly understand the threat its adherents pose to world peace. I think, after reading all the literature, they’ll see that the idea that dubstep is a tool of Satan isn’t as ridiculous as it sounds. I think it’s pretty obvious that dubstep was created to honour Satan.”

Ravers in Montreal have gathered for first Galactic EDM Conference, a gathering of party promoters, music DJs, and party goers from around the world who are serious about colonizing the stars. “We believe that there just isn’t room for PLUR on planet earth,” says conference organizer Chad Chadwick, “And instead of struggling against the dominant cultural realities that plague our own planet, we should just start over somewhere else.”

The idea that ravers should colonize the stars isn’t a new one, but it’s picked up steam in recent years as more and more businesses start treating space colonies seriously. “After Elon Musk promised to land a human on mars, we realized the time to act was now,” says Chad. “We believe that ravers need to organize and start their own country, and the easiest way to do that would be to colonize the moon. ”

Participants at the Galactic EDM Conference will spend the weekend discussing ways to raise funds, build rockets, and organize politically to make their dream of establishing a moon colony a reality. “Just imagine a a country where raver ethics are the norm,” says Chad. “A country where PLUR isn’t just an idea, but a founding ideal baked right into the constitution. That’s what we’re aiming to accomplish.”

Many people think that Chad and his cohorts are starry eyed dreamers, but that hasn’t deterred them. “We’re realistic enough to realize that we’d never be able to create our own country on this planet without resorting to violence,” says Chad. “The lord knows we can’t just ask people to let us start our own country. We’re all been born into political systems we had no hand in crafting, and those systems are incredibly difficult to change through peaceful means. Colonizing the moon might sound unrealistic, but in thirty years it won’t be, and what we’re doing is laying the ground work so that we’re politically and financially ready for the technology once it matures. Ravers will have their own country on the moon. It’s going to happen.”

Surprisingly, several politicians are supportive of Chad’s ambitions. “I’m okay with sending all the drug addled party kids to the moon,” says Conservative MP Bailey Darthmouth. “I think it’s a win-win situation. The ravers get their own country, and we get rid of the ravers. I can get behind that plan."

Newspapers across the country are under fire after reprinting a controversial press release by the Alliance For Concerned Conservatives. “The press release claimed that Bob Marley pictures are hypnotizing young suburban white kids into becoming drug dealers,” says social activist Beverley Breitbart. “It’s racist nonsense, but that hasn't stopped the media from reprinting their message over and over again as if it were true.”

John Smith, president of the ACC, disputes the claim that his organization is racist. “We are not racist. It’s a scientific fact that Bob Marley pictures are turning our children into drug dealers,”says John. “We've been studying this matter for a long time. We have dozens of trained sociologists working around the clock investigating the noxious effects of sharing Bob Marley pictures over the internet. It’s a fact that nine out of ten white children who are exposed to images of Bob Marley will become drug dealers. This is science. You can’t argue with science.”

Beverley Breitbart is baffled by the ACC. “I don’t even understand how anyone can say the things they've said with a straight face,” says Beverley. “They’re obviously bigots, and they’re obviously unscientific, and yet the media continues to treat them seriously. It’s almost as if journalists generate fake controversies in order to sell more newspapers.”

Ingrid Ingerley, a representative for the Journalistic Integrity Foundation denies that the media is manufacturing fake outrage by covering press releases written by outfits like the Alliance For Concerned Conservatives. “The media in North America is fair and unbiased,” says Ingrid. “Our newspapers don’t generate fake controversies. If we’re covering groups claiming to have proof that black musicians are corrupting white children, it’s not because we’re in the outrage business or that we don’t care about perpetuating harmful stereotypes, it’s because we are pursuing the truth. Anyone who disagrees with what I just said is a delusional communist who should be thrown into the ocean and eaten by freedom loving sharks. God bless America.”

Activists like Beverley remain unconvinced. “I think newspapers are run by assholes,” says Beverley. “That’s the only thing that makes sense.”

Prison warden Alex LeBlanc of the Lanaudière Des Calaix Correctional institute is in hot water after letting inmates throw a rave. “I didn't think it would hurt anyone if the prisoners had a chance to enjoy themselves for a change,” says Alex. “The inmates had been on their best behaviour for over two months, with nary a violent incident reported during that time. The rave was a way of rewarding their good behaviour.”

Alex LeBlanc’s lan was never vetted with any of his superiors. “Prisoners shouldn't be allowed to rave,” says conservative M.P Chad Buttersmith. “Prison is a punishment, and while some might say that techno music is also a form of punishment, that’s beside the point. When you break the law, you shouldn't be rewarded with a dance party. The fact that Mr. LeBlanc allowed these prisoners the opportunity to organize and throw a rave is an absolute disgrace. The Canadian people deserve better than this. They need to know that criminals are paying for their crimes, not dancing to Skrillex.”

Alex is currently suspended from work pending an investigation. “Eh, if I lose my job over this, I don't care,” says Alex. “I don't think making prisoners suffer unduly is going to fix anything. If you don't reward good behaviour, don't be surprised if bad behaviour continues. I told these guys they'd be allowed to throw a rave if they didn't shiv anyone for two months. They kept their promise, I kept mine.”

Repairs to the sewer main beneath St-Michel boulevard had to be halted after workers discovered a settlement of ravers living in the fetid waters coursing under the streets of Montreal. “We were digging up parts of the boulevard when we started hearing yelling,” says construction worker Jean Cousteau. “That’s when we noticed tents beneath the pile of broken concrete we were tearing through.” The workers were shocked to discover that the sewer they were trying to fix was home to a dozens of ravers. “I never would have imagined that our sewers are inhabited by hoards of teenagers."

Urban archaeologist Ted Refuord says this is common in most large cities. “Huge mazes of abandoned pipes can be found beneath most large metropolitan cities,” says Ted. “Young people who are priced out of the rental market often turn to the sewers for affordable housing. Ravers are often poor and uneducated, so they're at greater risk of becoming sewer dwellers than your average citizen.”

Ex-sewer dweller Krystal Banner says it’s not just about the money. “It’s also about respect. I spent a year living in a fetid pool of dank, scummy water because I wanted to be closer to the music I listen to — my taste in music so underground, that the only way to respect it is to live beneath the streets. That’s where techno comes from, that’s where EDM is born, in the sewers.”

Krystal eventually moved out after getting vaginal gangrene. “Sure, living in the sewers wasn't a healthy decision,” says Krystal. “But it was worth it.”

Krystal’s time beneath the streets of Montreal weren't lonely, either. “There are dozens of raver settlements beneath Montreal,” says Krystal. “Ravers have laid claim to the tunnels beneath this city. They’re building a new empire built on underground music and sewage.”

An alliance of Montreal doctors have raised serious concerns about the safety of trampoline raves, indoor parties that take place on large trampolines that are the size of a hockey ring . “We want to warn our fellow citizens about the dangers inherent in raving on a giant, massive trampoline,” says Dr. Ruby Goldman. “I think it’s a miracle that no one who has attended one of these parties has broken a neck yet. It’s only a matter of time before that happens. Dancing on a trampoline for hours on end while drugged out of your mind is a bad idea.”

Trampoline rave promoter Jeff Bisou disagrees. “I think these doctors are overreacting,” says Jeff. “We take every precaution to ensure the safety of our customers. There’s a reason why no one has been hurt at one of our parties, and that’s because we’re serious about making sure nothing goes wrong. Yes, some of our customers are high on drugs. Yes, some of them are dehydrated. And yes, they are in fact dancing on a giant trampoline, but you know what? It’s fun, and we firmly believe that if it’s fun, it’s safe.”

World renowned safety expert Pierre Falardeau also believes that the doctors are overreacting. “I have spent decades studying safety,” says Pierre. “And I want to assure Montrealers that dancing on a giant trampoline while high on drugs isn't just safe, it’s a total blast. Everyone should try it at least once.”

Dr. Ruby Goldman isn't convinced. “I think Pierre has lost his wits if he’s telling people that trampoline raves are safe. You can't mix drugs, loud music, and acrobatics and expect things to go well for very long. Sooner or later, someone attending one of these trampoline raves is going to die. The government needs to step in and pass laws making these kind of parties illegal.”

A boating disaster has claimed the lives of at least forty ravers, with dozens more still unaccounted for. “It was the inaugural voyage of Montreal’s very first rave boat, The Mermaid,” says Bonny Smythe, who survived the incident.

“Imagine dancing the night away on the St-Lawrence river. That’s what the Mermaid was all about,” says Bonny. “It was a chance to dance where no one had danced before, right on the water. The boat had a custom made, fiberglass bottom so you could see the water beneath your feet. For the first few hours, it was an amazing night, but then everything went wrong.”

Forensic scientists say that the music was so loud, it caused the custom made fibreglass to crack. “The ship wasn't designed to handle that much bass,” says Sgt. Batista of the SPVM. “It crumpled beneath the weight of the music.”

Hunter Lavigne, the event organizer who designed the boat, is facing criminal charges for his role in the disaster. “At the moment, it’s still too early to determine the exact nature of the charges that Mr. Lavigne is facing,” says Sgt. Batista, “but we are confident that this isn't just a case of criminal negligence. We believe that the boat may have been deliberately sabotaged. We believe Mr. Lavigne knew that the boat couldn't handle the speakers he had installed into it. He never expected the boat to stay afloat. The Mermaid’s inaugural voyage was a suicide mission.”

Bonny still remembers the moment the water started rushing in to the boat. “It started a stampede,” says Bonny. "I know a lot of ravers drowned when the Mermaid went down, but some of them were also crushed to death by people desperate to get off the boat. The worst thing is, Hunter was laughing as everyone struggled to get off. He knew what he was doing. He wanted us to die out there. I hope he burns in hell."

Every generation has its calling card. Baby boomers had their hippies. Generation X had its slackers. And the millennials? Well, the millennials have icebergers. The term owes its existence to the practice of iceberging, which might not be familiar to older people, but is common knowledge to the under 30 set. "It’s impossible to overstate the popularity of iceberging among young people,” says 23 year old Trevor Jones. “Everyone does it. No exception. It doesn't matter if you’re a jock or a nerd, if you're a prep or a thug, gay or straight and everything in between. If you’re under thirty, you're iceberging at least once a week. ”

So, what is iceberging exactly, the new hip thing that all the kids are crazy about? “Iceberging is when you make sex toys out of frozen fecal matter,” says Trevor. “That’s it in a nutshell. You fill a condom with shit. It could be yours, it could be someone else, it doesn't matter. Then you let it freeze. And then you have yourself a toy you can use to pleasure yourself or other people.”

Iceberging has been around for decades, according to sexologist Jenny Bertz. “People were iceberging in the nineties,” says Jenny. “In recent years though, the millennials have made the practice their own. It’s no longer just a personal activity, now it’s become a group bonding experience. Millennials love throwing parties where everyone makes, trades, and uses icebergs on one another.”

The popularity of these dirty sex parties can be seen in today’s music. “You name the genre, and you’ll find one of its artists singing about the joys of iceberging. Hip hop, EDM, heavy metal, rock, indie, they’re all crazy for iceberging,” says Trevor. "The practice is so common, that you're seeing it influence all musicians under thirty. I think in the years ahead, iceberging songs will be as common as love songs.”

Jenny says she wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. “Love and iceberging have a lot in common,” says Jenny. “At the end of the day, the practice of inserting someone else’s waste up your rectum shows a great deal of trust. It’s a kind of modern love. A way for young people to show that they believe in one another.”

Surprisingly, the practice of iceberging hasn't been condemned by doctors. “There’s some early evidence that fecal transplants might be good for people,” says Dr. Nick Waters. “They help reboot the stomachs bacterial ecosystem, triggering the growth of new, healthy colonies of microbes that causes all sorts of healthy changes in the body, creating new muscles, burning fat, and even triggering the birth of new brain cells. Students who iceberg regularly can expect to do better on tests, improve their memories, and even increase their IQ.”

Dr. Waters wasn't quite as thrilled with one of the drinks commonly served at iceberging parties. “I have, however, heard that some iceberging parties serve jenkem, a hallucinogenic drug made out fermented human waste,” says Dr. Waters. “Jenkem is bad for you. Kids should iceberg all they want, but they shouldn’t drink jenkem."

Local beekeeper Martin Reisley was arrested last weekend after he released a truck full of honeybees at an illegal outdoor rave. “Over four hundred partygoers had gathered on his land without permission, mistakenly believing it to be public property” says Sgt. Batista. “They were hoping to celebrate life, instead they got a taste of hell. Mr. Reisley could have called the police to disperse his unwanted guests, but he chose to take the law into his own hands. Canada is a nation base on the rule of law. There’s no place for vigilante justice within our borders.” The honeybee attack left hundreds of ravers hospitalized, and countless more traumatized.

Neighbours, meanwhile, are still shocked by the news. “Mr. Reisley owns this big old yellow truck that he uses to carry honeybee colonies to his customers. He’d always have this huge grin on his face whenever he was driving that thing," says Diana Beatties, who lives down the road from where the honeybee attack happened. “He always seemed so friendly. I never would have imagined that he was capable of violence. He’s always been so nice and kind whenever we talked.”

Freida Mayer, a 19 year old student majoring in misandry at McGill University, says that the attack has left her struggling with daily nightmares. “I don't know how anyone could do something like that,” says Freida. “We just want to have a little fun, to cut loose now that summer is here. We didn't know we were trespassing. He didn't even try to ask us to leave. He just showed up in his truck, opened the back door, and attacked us with thousands of honeybees.”

Freida says the mayhem that followed will always be etched in her mind. “No matter what happens, I'll never be able to forget the panic and terror I saw as the bees started attacking everyone,” says Freida. “People were rolling on the ground, crying and yelling. There was so much screaming, so much suffering, and you know what the sickest thing is? That beekeeper guy just stood there, laughing at us as we were stung over and over again. He was happy to see us suffer.”

The horrific nature of the attack hasn't stopped Martin Reisley from becoming an internet celebrity. “People on Reddit love him,” says internetologist Robert Grisham. “They’ve turned the angry beekeeper into a very popular meme. Every day, thousands of new images of him attacking people with bees get uploaded to the web. He’s bigger than doge.”

Fashion critics across North America are stumped by the increasing popularity of gimp masks. “I think it’s tacky,” says fashion designer Bella Smith. “I can sort of understand those ridiculous fox tails and cat ears everyone was wearing a few years ago, but the whole bondage mask thing is a bit extreme. They cover your entire face, they make it hard to breathe out of your nose, and they make you look like a serial killer. Why would anyone think they look cool?”

Ravers are ignoring their detractors and continue to buy the risqué black leather masks in droves. “We keep selling out,” says BDSM store owner Dominique Topper. “As soon as we restock our shelves with gimp masks, they fly out the door. We’re selling hundreds of them every day.”

Some ravers, however, are unimpressed with the masks current popularity. “Wearing a gimp mask used to mean something,” says Leah Lui, a 24 year old raver. “It was like a secret handshake that only awesome people knew. Now it’s become a mere fashion accessory, which is maddening. Wearing a gimp mask was never about fashion, it was about agency. Society is always pissing on those of us who live on the margins, the weirdos and fringe freaks who don’t fit in, don’t belong, and don’t conform. That’s why we started wearing gimp masks, to let them know that it didn’t matter if they hated us, because we didn’t care about their opinions. We were being ironic, debasing ourselves willingly to show that they couldn’t debase us without our consent. They think we’re trash, so we wore our trashiness on our faces, in a way they couldn’t ignore. Now the masks are just another commodity. It’s sad.”

Kinksters are also unhappy with the gimp masks rising fame. “The whole point of BDSM is to break taboos,” says Heather Smith, a Fetlife subscriber and lifestyle submissive. “I used to love wearing my gimp mask, but now that regular everyday people have started wearing them in public, it really defeats the purpose. It’s not dirty or filthy anymore. It’s common. It’s normal. It’s lost it’s degrading sexual connotation. You know, it’s become vanilla. God, I’m terrified by the idea of waking up one day and kinky sex being made common. The idea of living in a world without taboos fills me dread.”

Despite the misgivings of early gimp mask adopter and lifestyle kinksters, it seems like the popularity of the constricting leather masks will continue to grow unabated, at least for now. “Trends come and go.” says Bella. “Yesterday it was crocs, today it’s gimp masks, tomorrow it’ll be something else."

Judith Bell, a 24 year old Beaconsfield woman, was pronounced dead Tuesday evening after suffocating to death on a used condom. “It’s a needless tragedy,” says Dr. Luke Warm, who has witnessed a rise in condom related asphyxia over the last two years. “More and more people are choking to death on condoms for no good reason."

Some experts claim that Judith is the victim of the internet. "She learned about snorting condoms thanks to youtube, which features dozens of videos of people sniffing, snorting, and ingesting prophylactics for fun,” says sociologist Breanne Beasley. “The facts aren’t pretty, but nearly 15% of people who snort condoms choke on them. The condoms get stuck in the esophagus after passing through the nasal passage. It happens a lot.”

Friends say that Judith became obsessed with snorting condoms after her last boyfriend broke up with her. “The last guy she was seeing didn’t think she was kinky enough, so he broke up with her. After that , she started doing all these weird things to try to get him back,” says Bailey Longsworth, who has known Judith since kindergarden. “She found these videos of people on youtube snorting condoms, so she started doing that and sending her ex the videos to see if it turned him on. It didn’t. I don’t think condoms killed Judith, I think a startling lack of self-esteem did.”

Dr. Warm agrees. “I think most of the people who snorting condoms on Youtube probably have low self-esteem,” says Dr. Warm. “Why else would someone suffer through the indignity of being identified themselves as a condom sniffer to the entire world? Healthy, happy, well adjusted people don’t snort condoms. And they certainly don’t post videos of themselves snorting them on to youtube. I hate that I live in a world where I have to warn people against shoving condoms up their nose. What is wrong with everybody?”

Breanne sympathizes with the doctors concerns. “People are dumb,” says Breanne. “After studying sociology for the last fifteen years, nothing surprises my anymore. Condom snorting exists. It’s real. People around the world are doing it as I speak. I think that says something about mankind’s innate capacity for self-destructive stupidity."

Sociologists have long suspected that dancing is all about sex, and Montreal promoter Mario Soulon is taking that idea to heart. “People don’t go to raves to dance. They don’t go to raves for the music. They go to raves to get laid,” says Mario. “I figured, you know what, let’s skip the foreplay. People want to get laid, and I want to make it easier for them, so I decided to start throwing naked raves”

The idea of dancing nude might intimidate a lot of people, but Mario says it’s pretty easy. “First off, most people at my parties are so high on drugs, they don’t even realize that they’re naked,” says Mario. “Secondly, there’s that whole lemming effect going on. When you realize everyone around you is already naked, you don’t feel so ashamed about taking off your clothes.”

Ravers who have been to Mario’s naked parties say it’s like nothing they’ve ever experienced. “There’s something liberating about dancing in the buff,” says 19 year old raver Lisa Dufour. “Clothing gets in the way of the music. When you’re naked, you feel the beats more intensely.”

Mario doesn’t know if that’s true, but he doesn’t care. “Eh, if people think getting naked helps them dance, more power to them,” says Mario. "I just like the idea of nudity. I like the idea of not dicking around when it comes to sex. People make such a big deal about it. If you’re single and you’re going to a party, chances are you just want to get your stick wet or your box stuffed. Stop making a big deal about it, be honest, and let your shields down. If you’re half way normal and you don’t give off some weird ass red pill popping serial killer vibes, you’re going to go home from one of my events feeling crazy satisfied."

Not everyone is a fan of Mario’s sex heavy parties. “The idea that raving isn’t about the music is absurd,” says psytrance promoter Rufus Duddlefeathers. “Raving isn’t about sex, it’s about transcending the limits of the human ego by taking copious amounts of hallucinogenic drugs and dancing to repetitive music made on a laptop. Anyone who doesn’t see that is a total scumbag.”

Four dozen ravers were arrested over the weekend after taking part in a new fad that’s sweeping club culture throughout the nation. “Ravers have decided that throwing knives at people is the next big thing,” says Sgt. Godein of the SPVM. “It's stupid, it's dangerous, and it's increasingly popular. Every night, we arrest at least a couple of clubbers for throwing knives at random people that they see walking down the streets. Citizens are now scared to go out at night, because they're afraid that partygoers will throw knives at them."

Sgt. Godein is exasperated with the rise in violence that he's witnessing across the city. "The worst is dealing with raves," says Sgt. Godein. "It's a nightmare. Imagine hundreds and hundreds of teenagers, all of whom are armed to the teeth with knives, waiting for an excuse to throw them. It's getting to the point where we'll need to call in the army just to deal with raves. That's how dangerous they're getting. Every party is now practically an armed rebellion."

Knife throwing became synonymous with raving thanks to a small club in Germany. “The practice of throwing sharp metal objects at people became a part of raving culture as a result of Scheistermeister, a popular nightlife club in the of Wiesbaden,” says raveologist John Gruber. “Scheistermeister started organizing monthly knife throwing contests in 2012. People would get drunk, dance to EDM, and throw knives at each other. The ravers who took part in the events found the idea of dodging knives so exhilarating, that they started evangelizing it. Soon clubs throughout Germany were engaging in knife throwing events. Once the events went national, it didn't take long for them to go international.”

Within a couple years, knife throwing and raving became synonymous in Europe. “At some point in 2013, ravers stopped throwing knives at each other, and started throwing them at random strangers,” says John. “I believe that’s because ravers possess a latent hostility towards society. They feel marginalized and voiceless. The economic hardships that they've undergone over the last decade are now starting to crystallize into tangible acts of violence. They're no longer content with simply dancing their miseries away, now they want the rest of society to share in their pain.”

The rise in knife-throwing violence has renewed a push among politicians to ban raving. “The political establishment is taking a hard look at raving,” says urban theorist Leah Ledoux. “If the violence doesn't stop, the government will clamp down on the party scene. They might even ban EDM."

Local rave promoter Jake Freemantle is in hiding after receiving several death threats for trying to organize the world’s first “Suicide Rave”. Flyers for the event took the internet by storm last week, with people questioning their veracity. “I couldn't believe someone would actually organize a rave that promoted suicide,” says 24 year old raver Emma Clyde. “I got in touch with Jake to ask him if he was joking, and when he said he wasn't, I got really mad -- and then I got really busy. I started organizing petitions and boycotts to shut the event down.”

Countless people around the world soon voiced their indignation against the event, and Emma’s petition quickly hit two hundred thousand signatures. “It took on a life of it’s own. People started organizing Stay Alive raves, volunteering with suicide hotlines, and helping to raise suicide awareness. Life isn't something you should throw away. It still infuriates me that Jake thought a suicide rave would be a fun idea. I don't think he deserves the death threats he’s been receiving, but he definitely needs a swift kick to the ass. I'm glad people aren't letting him get away with his party though. There are Stay Alive raves planned in over fifteen cities at the moment, and the numbers keep going up. I think we might be witnessing the beginning of a new movement."

Several Montreal promoters, meanwhile, have united to throw their own Stay Alive rave as a response to Jake’s efforts. “The night of Jake’s suicide rave, we're going to be throwing our own party,” says psytrance promoter Rufus Duddlefeathers. “We don't want Jake to win. Life is worth living. Yes, it can be hard sometimes. People aren't always nice. Some of them are downright rotten. But that’s all the more reason to keep on going. If you check out, you’re letting the assholes win. You'll notice that Jake isn't killing himself at his suicide rave, he’s just encouraging other people to do the deed. Don’t let bastards like him out-live you.”

John Peswick, a 19 year old Pointe-Claire resident, is angry that people don't share his taste in music. “I just think it’s indecent,” says John. “You know, they could be out dancing to real music, like the kind I listen to, but instead they insist on listening to other kinds of music. What’s up with that?”

The fact that not everyone shares John’s taste in music bothers him a great deal. “I just think the world would be a much better place if everyone had the exact same taste in music that I do,” says John. “I like to think of myself as a barometer for what has value and what doesn't, and anyone who disagrees with me is a stupid idiot that deserves to die.”

John’s passion for music has given him a reputation for hostile aggression. "I love yelling at people who don't like the music I like. I mean, I could argue with them about racism, or world hunger, or child soldiers, but none of those issues really matter. My taste in music, however, is serious business.”

Scientists agree. “We've studied John for the last four years,” says sociologist Arnold Wilson. “John Peswick’s taste in music is the most pressing issue in the world right now. We believe that it’s important for politicians to set their current policy debates aside and to investigate the much more pressing matter of why people continue disagreeing with John about music.”

John is looking forward to the day when the world takes his musical views as gospel. “Sooner or later, people will realize that I'm right and that they're wrong,” says John. “And when that happens, I’m going to gloat long and hard."

Montreal is still reeling after surviving the world’s largest LSD rampage over the weekend. Six hundred cars were set on fire, several streets were turned to rubble, and a good part of Park avenue went up in flames after a group of LARPers decided to make their apocalyptic fantasies into a reality. “I never saw anything like it,” says Sgt. Lufia, one of the police officers who helped bring down the rioting mob of deranged role-players. “It was like something out of a movie. An army of crazed men dressed in renaissance fair outfits wielding weapons made out of duct-tape. You wouldn't think they'd be dangerous, but I’d rather fight a hungry bear than a crowd of LARPers.”

It took the combined efforts of five hundred police officers to put a stop to the mob, and while their violence has now come to an end, the questions about what happened are only just starting. “Thankfully, only a few people died as a result of Sunday’s attack. The property damage will likely be in the billions, and our city’s reputation as a peaceful place will take a serious hit,” says city councillor Mark Rushberg. “We know that the LARPers were high on LSD when they started their . I think the city of Montreal will need to re-examine it’s leniency towards the LARP community, given their role in sunday’s violence.”

Sunday’s events are still shrouded in mystery, though several witnesses have come forward claiming that it all started when a group of grown men dressed entirely in red started offering free kool-aid to the role-players who hang out at the Tam Tams every sunday. “That kool-aid was definitely laced with LSD,” says Bianca Xillia. “That’s the only thing that would make sense. One moment all these harmless LARPers were attacking each other with fake weapons, the next moment they were setting cars on fire and claiming it was the end of the world. You don’t go for reasonably harmless to batshit insane just like that.”

Mark Rushberg cautions people from just blaming the LSD. “People take LSD all the time without burning down half the city,” says Mark. “Yes, the LSD is partly to blame for what happened, but at the end of the day, the fact that LARPers brought so much destruction to Montreal emphasizes the dangers of role playing games. We need to put an end to LARP before LARP puts an end to Montreal."

A rave a day keeps the doctor away according to a new study published by The Factual Science Journal. “Our research suggests that an hour of raving provides the same health benefits as two hours of resistance weight training,” says health scientist Alphonse Basquatchi. “So long as party goers stay away from drugs and alcohol, raving isn’t just good for you, it’s the best thing you can possible do for your physical health. ”

The study’s release has caused a shockwave throughout the business community, as countless commercial enterprises scramble to jump on the healthy raving bandwagon. “I think we're going to see a lot more sober clubs and raves,” says investor Curt Bundersmith. “It won’t stop there, though. The health industry is booming, people just can’t get enough health products and services, and now that scientists say raving is the best physical work-out you can get, expect to see a lot of businesses trying to cash in on it. It’ll be the gluten-free fad all over again, except with more dubstep.”

BurgerBuster founder Carl Bedaine is already planning on rave-ifying his business. “Our fast food chain will start offering afternoon raves effective immediately,” says Carl. “Not only will our customers be able to buy a low-fat, gluten free hamburger, they’ll also be able to do it while dancing to hardcore techno.”

Carl Bedaine isn’t the only business owner who is aggressively pursuing the still nascent healthy raving market. “Rumour has it that one of Quebec’s largest supermarkets will soon start combining buying groceries with raving,” says investor Gabe Laurie. “It’s a risky move, since no one knows for sure how big the healthy raving trend is going to get. However, the pay-off could be huge if the movement explodes. Imagine being able to dance to your favourite techno DJ while you’re out buying your eggs and dairy products? That’s going to happen in the next year or two.”

Not everyone believes the hype, though. “This was just a single study, so I think it’s too early to make any pronouncements on how healthy raving really is,” says noted skeptic John Fuddleton. “Raving without drugs might very well be good for you, but that doesn’t mean businesses should start throwing raves.”

The happy hardcore DJ Terry Hugo is recovering in the hospital after doctors were forced to amputate his hand. The 35 year old DJ injured himself after punching a computer monitor during his latest show.

“When I punched the monitor I shattered all the bones in my hand,” says Terry “Pieces of metal and monitor scraps were placed throughout my wrist in such a way that doctors couldn’t save my hand while saving my life. They had to make a tough decision, and I’m going to have to live with it.”

Terry has long been known for his uncontrollable fits of anger. “He’s got a problem,” says long time fan Pauline Lacroix. “I’ve been going to his shows for over fifteen years, and he punches something at least once during each show. Usually twice.”

Terry has a long history of violently attacking things at his shows. “I’ve seen him punch speakers, equalizers, turn tables, regular tables, promoters, women, men, children, car windows, smoke machines, strobe lights,” says Pauline. "You name it, Terry has punched it in a fit of rage.”

Most promoters found Terry’s anger hilarious. “We never thought it was a big problem,” says event organizer Michael Mowang. “Because he’s not a big guy, and he’s never really damaged any of the things he punched.

Michael believes that he and other promoters are guilty of having enabled Terry’s rage. “We always knew he had a problem, and we should have made it clear we thought he needed to get help. Maybe if we had spoken out against his frequent bouts of violence, he’d still have two hands.”

Dosein Jerbalon, president of the Association of Canadian Dentists And Enamel Technicians, is warning Montreal ravers against the practice of brushing their teeth with comet. “Dentists in Montreal have seen an uptick in the practice over the last few weeks. Brushing your teeth with comet is a bad idea,” says Dosein. “And by bad idea, I mean it’s ridiculously stupid. I don’t know why ravers have started brushing their teeth with a household cleaning product that’s meant for scrubbing toilets, but I know that if they like having teeth, they should not do that.”

Brushing your teeth just once with comet can be enough to ruin them, says Dosein. “You can scrub off all the enamel, leaving your teeth absolutely defenceless. Within weeks, they’ll rot away, and you’ll be left with a mouth that looks like something out of a horror movie. Most of your teeth will have fallen out, a few of them might still be clinging on to your gums, but they’ll be brown as dirt.”

Ravers believe that brushing their teeth with comet will simultaneously get them high and give them a bright, white smile. “I read it on the internet,” says 19 year old raver Ruth Godwin, “so it’s probably true."

No one knows exactly where the comet brushing rumours started, but conspiracy theories abound. “I think its part of an online campaign by religious fundamentalists who are waging a holy war against party culture,” says Ludica White, a chemtrails researcher at McDowell University. “These fanatics want ravers to kill themselves, they want to create a world with no techno, a world without DJs, a world where the only music is liturgical. They see raving as a threat against piety, so they’ve started posting dangerous ideas on to online rave forums, hoping that people will read them and put them into practice. If party goers are going toothless, it’s because someone out there is targeting them, and taking advantage of their care-free and trusting natures. It’s like Jenkem all over again, but this time deadlier.”

Jenkem is a drug made out of fermented human waste that is purported to have hallucinogenic properties, though experts agree that it’s nothing more than an elaborate hoax. “It’s not real,” says urban researcher Jordi Laborge. “Jenken doesn’t get you high. It’s a hoax that someone started to see how many gullible people would start huffing human excrement.”

Jordi Laborge doesn’t know if the comet brushing hoax has religious roots, but he does know that whatever its origins, it certainly poses a clear and present danger to the health and wellbeing of the rave community. “Ravers need to be a lot less trusting about what they read online,” says Jordi. “Just because someone tells you you’ll get high if you brush your teeth with comet, doesn’t mean you should run out and do it."

Two Westmount teenagers were arrested this morning after police caught them playing soccer with a human head. “Apparently, the pair of fifteen year olds found the diseased body of a happy hardcore DJ, sawed off his head, and decided to play soccer with it.”

DJ Brightslider, otherwise known as Marcellus Favreau, died of a heroin overdose in the parking lot of a fried chicken restaurant sometime late Thursday night. “We’re not sure what compelled the teenagers to desecrate Mr. Favreau’s body after they came across it. We do know that they ended up playing soccer with his head for the better part of four hours.”

The pair played their gruesome game throughout most of Westmount. “They just kept kicking the head down the streets of the borough without a care in the world. It’s incredible that no one noticed what they were doing until we spotted them in front of the library on Sherbrooke.”

This isn’t the first time teenagers in Montreal have played soccer with the decapitated heads of happy hardcore DJs. DJ Wogobogo, who died in 2008 of a brain aneurysm, suffered a similar indignity when a group of teenagers broke into the morgue and stole his head, which they then used as a soccer ball for the better part of a year. Some experts are concerned by the trend. “There’s something about happy hardcore DJs that invites decapitation,” says criminologist Lucy Xang. “We’re not sure why, but the fact that this has happened more than once means it’s an issue that needs to be studied.”

Other experts feel that the worries are overblown. “This is just a freak occurrence. It’s not like there’s an army of teenagers out there decapitating happy hardcore DJs and playing soccer with their heads,” says forensic scientist Beverly Carter. “It’s only a coincidence."

The average raver is 40 years old according to a new study released by the Montreal Institute for Urban Affairs. “Our research confirms the mounting suspicions held by many young party-goers that Montreal’s rave scene is currently dominated by older adults,” says lead researcher Jonas Kingsley. “Raving came of age during the eighties and nineties, and while many younger teenagers still enjoy EDM, the overwhelming majority of people who attend parties today have been doing so for decades. This is true not just in Montreal, but throughout North America.”

According to Jonas, your typical raver has greying hair, lots of cellulite, two teenaged children, and a mortgage. “Ravers are old,” says Jonas. “Soon, many ravers will be grandparents. The scene is growing long in the tooth, and that’s causing a lot of intergenerational conflict.”

Rave promoters and club owners are having trouble navigating this thorny issue. Many of them have even started instituting strict age limits as a result of the greying raver phenomenon. “A lot of teens and young adults don’t want to drop ecstasy with their parents,” says party promoter Alys Voisine. “So a lot of us have started throwing events aimed strictly at the under 30 set. We want to have room to breath, to enjoy ourselves without our helicopter parents hovering over us. Our parents had their shot, and now it’s our time to dance to repetitive music while stoned out of our minds.”

Some scientists feel that the war between millennial ravers and their generation X parents is just part of a larger problem. “A lot of older people refuse to go away,” says Dr. Bailey Bonhart, a sociologist who studies intergenerational interactions. “And their children are getting fed-up. It’s bad enough that they won’t retire and make way for younger workers, but now they insist on going clubbing and raving. It’s like they just don’t want to grow up. You know there’s a problem when the dance floor of a club dedicated to dubstep is dominated by balding old men with arthritis.”

Phil Kraken has spent the last decade traveling around the world, throwing increasingly decadent raves in countries that have been ravaged by war and revolution. “I don’t even know why I started doing this,” says Phil. “In 2003, I was visiting family in Georgia when the Rose Revolution broke out. My cousins and I helped organize a huge party after Shevardnadze resigned as president. It was such an epic night, everyone was so happy. After that night, it was like a button got flipped inside my brain, and I’ve been addicted to to revolutionary raving ever since.”

There isn’t a revolution that hasn’t been touched by one of Phil’s raves. “I’m a war tourist raver,” says Phil. “I like to travel to countries that are in the grips of civil war or that are revolting against their governments. All that tension, all that chaos, all that emotion, it’s intoxicating. An unravelling society is the perfect setting to drop some fat beats and get your groove on. There’s something about revolutions that electrify people. You really can’t compare dancing to Skrillex in Libya while machine guns are blasting and people are dying to say, swinging your butt around in the safety of a New York club where you know you won’t be violently oppressed by a mad dictator. Unfortunately, partying in the west is just too safe. Raving needs to be dangerous — it needs to celebrate human autonomy in the face of coercion.”

A lot of people are unimpressed with Phil’s hobby, and consider his parties to be grossly indecent. “He’s making a mockery of human suffering,” says ethicist Noella Ward. “There’s nothing quite as obnoxious as a rich white guy traveling to war torn countries with the expressed intention of having fun
while people around him die.”

Phil things his critics are missing the point. “It’s not about making light of their problems,” says Phil. “It’s about celebrating the spirit of defiance that you can only find when people stand up to power. Right now, the revolutions are all happening in poorer countries, so that’s where I take my raves to. I just threw an awesome party in Kiev, during their recent protests. And we all had a great time. I think my raves are therapeutic. Not only do they take people’s minds off the madness around them, they also keep their morale up so that they continue their struggles with lighter hearts.”

Noella remains unconvinced. “At the end of the day, Phil is still exploiting people. He can put lipstick on a pig if he wants, but it’s still just a pig. No matter how he dresses up the issue, he’s not going to escape its ethically dubious merits.”

Phil disagrees. “I like to think that all the revolutionary raves I’ve thrown so far have been practice for the real show — for when Americans become so fed up with their own government, that they take it down. The parties i’m throwing are all leading up to that event. The beats are going to hit America so fast and so hard, that none of the revolutionaries will want to back down. I’m going to keep their morale up with MDMA and EDM.”

Critics think Phil might be delusional. “He’s an idiot,” says Noella. "He should see a therapist."

An Ayn Rand inspired rave dedicated to the moral superiority of the rich was cancelled after angry anti-poverty activists physically assaulted several of the well heeled organizers. “It just goes to show you that the wealthy are truly the most oppressed members of society,” said Winston Vanderbilt the 3rd, one of the co-organizers. “I was attacked by lower class ruffians just because I wanted to throw a small party for me and my friends. The brutality of the incident has convinced us that Montreal simply isn’t safe for multimillionaires, so we’ve decided to move our event to a country where poor people have the good sense to be afraid of their social betters.”

This wasn’t the first time a libertarian flavoured rave has caused drama in Montreal. Parties dedicated to making fun of the poor have exploded in popularity since the 2008 recession. “It’s becoming a bit of an epidemic,” says sociologist Max Dijon, “It’s how the rich deal with their status anxiety. They know that a lot of people resent them for their wealth, so they throw these parties as a way of feeling better about themselves. However, I think in the long run they’re just throwing fuel to the fire.”

One activist says Vanderbilt deserved what he got. “I don’t know who attacked him, but I’d love to give them a high five,” says anarchist Jason Windles. “Vanderbilt was planning to hire a dozen homeless people for his event. Do you know what their role was going to be? Human punching bags. A bunch of multimillionaires were planning to pluck people off the poor to give other multimillionaires the pleasure of hitting and insulting the homeless, it was beyond odious.”

John Fordham, an objectivist scholar and one time acolyte of Ayn Rand, says that this is perfectly acceptable behaviour. “The poor aren’t really people,” says John. “They have more in common with property than they do sentient human beings capable of agency. That’s why it’s okay for the rich to use them as they see fit. Merit is found in your pocketbook, and the size of your pocketbook is a reflection of the eternal benevolence of the free market, a market rewards people based solely on the merit of their actions. If you’re poor, it’s because you’re just not very useful to the world. Why not work on yourself instead of attacking the multimillionaires who worked for their money?"

An illegal outdoor rave ended in tragedy this weekend when one of the party goers was shot in the head by a hunter. The victim, 18 year old Eddie Smith of Kirkland, Quebec, was wearing a bear costume at the time of the accident. “It was a furry party,” says Manuela Harris, who was at the party with Eddie when it happened. “We were all dressed up as animals. I went as a red fox, Eddie was a black bear. He put a lot of effort into his costume. He was so proud of it.”

Josiah Warren was part of the hunting party who mistook Eddie for a real bear. “It was late at night, around 11pm when we shot Eddie. At that hour, it’s hard to tell if you’re shooting real bears or men wearing bear costumes. Even the night goggles don’t help out much in a situation like that.”

Some people find it hard to believe that it was accident. “How could they have mistaken him for a real bear? Didn’t they hear any of the music? Even if Eddie had wandered away from the party to go the washroom, it’s not like sound doesn’t travel,” says Manuela. “And besides, furry outfits aren’t realistic depictions of animals. They have giant cartoon eyes. Eddie didn’t look like a bear, he looked like a bear character from a 1980s Warner Brothers cartoon.”

Josiah says that while it’s a tragedy that Eddie died, the ravers have no one but themselves to blame. “You know, it's always awful when someone dies, but if you’re going to throw a party that involves wearing animal outfits, maybe you should choose a venue that isn't in the middle of a forest during peak bear hunting season,” says Josiah. “That just isn't a very good idea.”

The hunters will likely get off with a slap on the wrist since the party was illegal. “Our hands are tied,” says Carson Wales, a Quebec spokesperson. “They had a black bear hunting license. That kid was wearing a black bear outfit. We can’t really charge them with anything."