VERDUN — "I was worried my penis was going to fall off from neglect." Joseph D. recently told Ravenews. "It'd been over two years since the last time I had sex." His dating woes started after he lost two of his front teeth during a meth bend. "I had been up for three days straight and for some reason, I can't remember why, I decided to climb a lamp post koala-bear style. I got to the top of the post but then I lost my grip and fell on my face. My mouth was all mangled up. I got some dental implants and now I look as good as new. Still, after the accident, my parents dragged my ass to rehab. They didn't want a druggie for a son, and they told me that either I got my shit together or they'd disown me."

"They sent me to some fancy addiction center in the Laurentians. I was there for two months." After leaving rehab, Joseph tried to live on the straight and narrow. "I got a job as a bike messenger and I started taking night classes at Concordia. Everything seemed to be going well, but I wasn't getting laid. I thought it was just a dry spell."

Little did he know that his dry spell would go on for years. Joseph hit on girls he saw at parties, but they all turned him down. He joined several online dating services, but none of the women he sent messages to ever replied. "I couldn't even score a date with a Craigslist hooker. Women don't want to sleep with men who aren't addicted to narcotics. I used to go to a party with a vile of K and an eight ball, and I'd drown in pussy. Now that I'm sober, the ladies want nothing to do with me."

"That's why I bought A RealDoll. It's a life like sex doll that has a poseable PVC skeleton and silicone flesh. It feels like the real thing! It cost me over six thousand dollars, but I couldn't be happier with Lucille. That's why I call my doll." Joseph says he's saving up for a second one. "My sex doll is the best girlfriend I ever had. She isn't jealous. She doesn't get angry or mad. She puts out whenever I want her to. I'm going to build myself a harem. I'm going to call my next doll
Alicia."

When asked if he's still looking for love with a real woman, Joseph said no. "The last two years of soul crushing rejection? That's the best thing that ever happened to me. I never would have bought Lucille had any of those women I approached slept with me. I can't even imagine what life would be like without her. She's the love of my life. Once you've been with a RealDoll, you lose your taste for real women."