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Previous: NARCISSIST BELIEVES ALL STORIES ON SATIRICAL NEWS SITE ARE ABOUT HIM Next: RAVERS DECLARE SUNDAYS "I HATE MOTHER EARTH DAY" SHY DJ TRANSFORMED INTO CONFIDENT SELF-HELP GURU THANKS TO ALCOHOL Every Saturday afternoon at 15:00, the seats at Theatre Saint Lachance fill with students of John Davis, a 35 year old former trance DJ who has re-invented himself as a self-help guru. "I teach students how to be exceptional drunks" says John, who always seems to have a can of beer in his hand. "It all started a few years ago, when I realized that when I'm drunk, I'm exceptionally confident." John says that his life started to take a turn for the wonderful when he began tapping into the power of alcohol. "I was single, unemployed, and $50,000 in debt," says John. "But then I found liquid confidence in a six pack of Pabst." John says he still remembers it like it was yesterday. "It was May 13th, 2010. I had just found out that my ex-girlfriend had recently married a strip club DJ she had met at work. I was devastated when I heard the news. Convinced that I was going to live the rest of my life a pathetic, unemployed bachelor, I decide the only merciful thing to do was kill myself." John headed to the local dept, where he bought a twelve pack of pabst. "I was too much of a coward to kill myself sober, and I realized I needed a bit of liquid courage to help me with the whole slitting-my-wrist business," says John. "By the sixth beer, I realized I now had the courage to end my life." However, that wasn't the only thing John realized. "It occurred to me, as I wobbled a razor blade next to my wrist, that if alcohol could give me the courage to kill myself, it could also give me the courage to face all the other fears I've ever had." John credits this eureka moment with his subsequent success. "I ran out of my apartment, half naked, a razor blade in my hand, yelling at the top of my lungs that I was the most courageous man in the Universe," says John. "Whenever I saw someone walking down the sidewalk, I'd run right into them while yelling that I wasn't afraid of them, that I wasn't afraid of anything." Surprisingly, John wasn't arrested that night. "I woke up in a puddle of my own vomit in the back alley behind the McDonald's near my apartment," says John. "And I knew right then, right there, that I needed to share my discovery with the world." Before long, John was teaching other young men how to benefit from liquid confidence. Alex Wesley was one of his first students. "John changed my life," says Alex from behind the bars of a cell at the Bourgeois Correctional facility. "Before I met him, I was a boring loser who had never had sex in his life. Now? When I'm not in jail, I wake up in a new woman's bed every other day, and I rarely even remember how I got there." John says he's helped hundreds of men find their destiny. "Alcohol is the best self-help tool known to man," says John. "And I'm the first guru to help people really tap into the power of booze."
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