A Montreal area teacher has been fired for allegedly recruiting students to volunteer their time in his nightclub promotion business. Most of the students were not paid and were forced to work long hours.

Former students describe Nikko Leondakis as being a cool, yet aggressive teacher. Others have described him as a hawkish womanizer who always got his way. Known for his white 'faux hawk' hairdo and avant-garde musical sensibilities, Leondakis worked for several years teaching media production and communication and was well-respected by his colleagues at Cherryhill High School.

Rosie, a former student, described his antics in detail. "Nikko always went for prettiest girls and offered them jobs after school. It would start out pretty innocent, distributing flyers and stuff. But before long he would have the girls working at the clubs all weekend. They never got paid and would be lucky if he fed them a bagel."

Leondakis' production company, Huge Bass Productions, throws a monthly event known as 'Brown sound' which is highly regarded in the electronic music's 'Dubstep' community. Some of the DJs who played were also former students. "We were playing in front of 400-500 people, and getting paid nothing, not even a hot dog." Tony, a former student DJ explained. "I couldn't even get cab fair off him. He said I could use the DJ experience in my portfolio, but I was doing hard work and made nothing." "Nobody got paid. Not the DJs. Not the underage girls working at the bars. Not the videographer. Not the photographers. Nobody, except Nikko."

Leondakis continued this behaviour for several months before his actions caught up with him. One Friday morning, after a long night of promotion, he showed up late for his morning class and was showing signs of intoxication. "The story is he 'parachuted' (a slang term for encasing a powdered drug in plastic wrap) a dose of ecstasy and it didn't hit him until the next day" Rosie explained. "He showed up to class laughing hysterically and forced us to watch My Little Pony the entire period."

Leondakis was soon dismissed from his position. When asked how he got away with his abusive labour practices Rosie said: "He was cool so he always got his way." Leondakis refused to comment.

Fashion designer Jennifer Beaudoin draws stares wherever she goes thanks to the giant bagel shaped bulge protruding from her forehead. "I just love how it looks," Jennifer says. "I love standing out, I love being the centre of attention, and bagel surgery is a fast and easy way to turn heads."

The bagel head look is created by injecting a saline solution into a person's forehead. Eventually, their skin will swell up, giving the appearance that a delicious donut has been permanently affixed to their head. "The best part about bagel injections is that they only last a couple of days," says Jennifer. "It's cheaper than getting a tattoo, and you don't have to worry about being stuck with it for the rest of your life."

The bagel injection process takes about two hours. "It's a very relaxing experience," says Toshi Kero, a Japanese cosmetic surgeon who recently opened up a practice in Montreal. "We've been doing saline injections in Japan for the last ten years. The process is safe, it's fun, and a lot of people find it sexy."

Many young Montrealers find the bagel head look irresistible, including psytrance promoter Daniel Doors. "I've started throwing bagel head parties. Anyone who's got a bagel head gets in free," says Daniel. "Having a bagel head electrifies your third eye, and activates your ajna chakra man. That little injection of saline not only makes you look better, it makes you see the world better. If you're a hippy, you should definitely get a bagel head at least once in your life. Preferably while on a shrooms."

Toshi Kero doesn't necessarily agree with Daniel Doors ideas. "The bagel head is a simple cosmetic flourish. It's like a temporary tattoo," says Toshi. "It won't give you super powers, and as far as I know, it won't activate your chakra system, which has never been scientifically proven to exist. You should get one because you like how it looks, or because you want to try something different, not because you're expecting a transcendent spiritual experience that will allow you to escape the bondage of physical reality. That's not how it works."

Daniel Doors disagrees. "He's just saying that because if he tells you the truth, the government will shut him down," says Daniel. "Saline injections will electrify your soul and make you one with the universe. All hail the cosmic bagel head, purveyor of divine truth and spiritual bliss."

Contact your local cosmetic surgeon if you're interested in saline injections.

Tylor Camden, a 36 year old software engineer, was arrested last Friday after a brutal assault on Jonathan Jerome, a 19 year old McGill student. The violent attack took place outside a party in Mile End. Jonathan's girlfriend, Erin Cote, was with him at the time of the beating.

"Jonathan and I were hungry, so we left the party to buy some fast-food at a nearby diner. We got our meal to-go, and we were eating our hamburgers outside the entrance when this group of vegans started yelling at us," says Erin. "We tried to ignore them, but they just wouldn't leave us alone. Jonathan told them to back off, which is when the leader of the gang, this fat guy whose face was covered in tattoos, started to push John."

Thins went downhill after that. "John pushed him back, which is when the tattoo'd guys friends jumped him. They pinned him to the ground and then their leader started to stomp on him."

Police say that Tylor Camden, with the help of his accomplices who are still at large, placed Jonathan's head on the sidewalk before stomping down on him, crushing parts of his jaw.

"We heard a lot of screaming outside," says Bryan Lauriers, the promoter of the party where the attack happened. "Several of us went out to investigate, which is when most of the vegans ran away. The guy with tattoos though, just kept attacking Jonathan. We tackled the angry vegan to the ground and held on to him until the police arrived. He kept screaming that meat was murder over and over again."

"Vegans have become much more militant," says terrorism expert Andrea Dawkins. "They've formed violent criminal gangs in several North American cities over the last five years. We expect assaults like this to become more common as militant animal rights activists become more organized. Vegans are the new gangsters."

Jonathan remains in critical condition.

Club Daum erupted into pandemonium Saturday night after 24 year old Ellen Harris, while under the influence of an explosive cocktail of drugs and alcohol, defecated on the dance floor. "She just squatted on the floor, let loose a giant deuce, and kept dancing as if nothing had happened," says James Deer, the manager and proprietary of the venue. "I was across the room, talking with the bartender when I noticed what happened."

The dance floor was crowded at the time of the incident. Party goers near Harris soon found themselves slipping and sliding through her brown river. "I was walking towards the bar to buy some mojitos for me and my girlfriend when I noticed three people fall down in front of me. When they got up, their arms and shirts were soaked and nasty looking. One of the guys who got up sniffed his arm and within seconds of doing that, he puked all over himself" says Clarence Brown, a 19 year old American who was visiting Montreal for his birthday. "He just kept puking. It was all over the floor, which caused other dancers to slip and fall. I turned tail to return to my girlfriend, but someone behind me grabbed my shoulder for support as they were falling down, which caused me to go down with them. When I hit the ground, I could feel that my pants were wet. I was sitting in vomit. I got up as best as I could without touching the floor, but I still managed to get a bunch on my hand and arms. I'm surprised I didn't puke, because everyone else was."

"Ellen was still dancing like nothing had happened. Everyone around her was on the floor, covered in vomit, yelling and screaming and freaking out, and she was just bopping her head, oblivious to it all, trapped in some sort of drug fuelled alternate reality" says James Deer. "I was in a state of shock. No one can prepare a club owner for a situation like this. It was like a war zone. The vomiting was contagious. Within minutes of that idiot crapping on the dance floor, there must have been twenty or thirty people puking all over themselves and each other in my club. The place stunk of feces, bile, and human failure."

The paramedics were called, and the bouncers cleared the dance floor.

"I closed the club early, but I don't know if i'll ever open it again. Not without a serious overhaul. Ellen Harris ruined Club Daum. From now on, Daum will forever be associated with people vomiting all over each other."

Ellen Harris couldn't be reached for comment.

Alice Hartfield's family was grieving at the cancer victim's funeral on Tuesday, when an unwelcome guest arrived and added to their sorrows. 22 year old Simon Beaulieu, a childhood friend of Jason Hartfield, Alice's son, showed up to pay his respects. Unfortunately for the people who were morning Alice's departure, Simon had dropped fifteen hits of acid before coming to the funeral.

"Simon was out of his mind on drugs," says Jason. "We used to be best friends when we were younger, but after he got involved in raving, we drifted a part. I'm a pretty straight edge guy. I don't do drugs, I rarely drink. Simon went the other way. He drinks from dusk 'til dawn, and I don't think there's a drug on earth he hasn't tried at least once."

Shortly after Simon showed up, he started telling everyone that he had super powers. "He came up to me and told me Alice was okay, and he knew that because he could talk to the dead using his super powers," says Gerald Hartfield, Alice's husband. "It took all my self-control not to punch him in the face."

After approaching several people at the funeral and telling them about his double life as a super powered crime fighter, Simon walked up to the casket where Alice's body was resting, grabbed her hand, and started chanting. "He kept saying he was going to bring her back to life," says Jason. "I lost it. I went up to him, grabbed him by the collar, and dragged his drug addled ass out of the funeral home."

Simon couldn't understand why people were so upset with him. "When I was on LSD, the Universe shared its secrets with me. For a brief instant, I could walk the thin line between life and death. I saw Alice on the other side, and if those idiots would have just let me finish my chant, she'd be back with us right now," says Simon. "I know it's hard to believe, but I do have super powers. Drugs aren't just for fun. They can give you powers, man. Make you something more than human."

Jason and Gerald are less than impressed with Simon's antics. "He needs to get some help. Healthy people don't show up at funerals high on LSD," says Gerald. "He's lucky we didn't call the cops on him."

DJ Blitz, a 37 year old trap music DJ, was walking down St-Laurent on his way to a show when he was accosted by a fan. "This scraggy looking guy wearing a bomber jacket just shows up out of the middle of nowhere, unzips his diesel jeans and slaps me with his… private parts," said Blitz. "I was in a state of shock. He was completely exposed, stroking himself in the middle of a very busy street, telling me how much he liked my music."

The fact that it was -15 outside did not deter this deleterious fan from rubbing one out in the middle of St-Laurent. "I don't know if he was on drugs, or crazy, or what. I started walking away from him, but he just kept following me around, his manhood in hand, a big creepy smile on his face. He kept telling me how hot I made him, and yelling the word crunk over and over again. "

A crowd began drawing around the pair, and at least one witness called the police. "I asked the guy to stop jerking off, but he wouldn't stop," said Blitz. "I started walking really fast, but he kept up with me. Finally, after about two minutes of being followed around by this weirdo, I started running down the street at full speed. I was really surprised to see him running along side me, his penis flapping in the wind. He didn't give a damn."

The masturbating man ran down Prince Arthur after he noticed a police cruiser driving towards the pair. "I'm thankful that the police arrived when they did, otherwise who knows how long that masturbating guy would have followed me around."

The Montreal Police failed to catch him. "We believe that this man is a serial exhibitionist. We have two other open files that bare remarkable similarities to what happened to DJ blitz," said Sgt. Eric Leclerc of the SPVM. "DJs should be on the look-out for a tall, red haired english speaking male in his mid-twenties. We believe that this man will strike again, and we need the public's help in order to catch him."

Montreal's nightlife took a turn for the naughty this past weekend with the first edition of the Hookers & Beats rave extravaganza. This prostitution pounding dance party was the brain child of 34 year old promoter Jacques Lavigne, a long time veteran of this city's rave scene. "I've been throwing parties for over a decade, and each year, it becomes harder and harder to turn a profit," said Jacques. "These days, promoters are lucky if they break even. You can't make money off parties anymore, but you'll always be able to make money off of sex."

Jacques Lavigne spent months negotiating with several of the cities largest escort agencies in order to make Hookers & Beats happen. "It took forever to come up with terms that we could all agree on," said Tracy Dufresne, owner of The Pink Clam, "but we were all determined to make it work. It's a great idea whose time has come. A lot of male ravers attend parties just to pick up women, but thanks to Jacques pioneering work, easy and available women are now included in the price of the ticket. I think his parties are going to change the way people party."

Not everyone is a fan of Jacque Lavigne's prostitute powered parties. "I go to parties for the music, not the hand jobs," said Alex Bates. "There's something tacky about throwing a party where half the women are hookers. I think it's going to make a lot of people uncomfortable." Many call girls, however, disagree. "The only people who are uncomfortable are the prudes," says Noella Berger, a sex positive raver. "This is 2013, it's been decades since the sexual revolution. People are more comfortable with sex for hire than they've ever been. Hookers & Beats was off the hook."

Many call girls are excited about being able to work in the open. "I've been working at raves for the last five years, but never publicly. I'd always be in the shadows, hiding. I'm tired of having to hide what I do," said Jennifer Grenier, a 24 year old prostitute. "I love my job, I enjoy it, and it pays very well. I'm glad that Jacques took the lead in making this event happen."

Call girls working at Hookers & Beats earned a percentage of the profits from ticket sales and have racked up the big bucks in tips. "Everyone gets a free blow job," said Jacques. "But you pay extra for the rest."

The day Miriam Rondeau heard rustling sounds in the attic of her house in Lachine, she thought a family of raccoons must have found their way inside. When she climbed up the ladder that led to her attic in order to investigate, she was shocked at what she found. "My drug dealing ex-boyfriend was standing in front of me, half naked, eating a bag of Cheetos, which he probably had stolen from my pantry. He had turned the attic into some sort of filthy bedroom. I have no idea how long he'd been living there. We hadn't seen each other in six years. I was so freaked out when I found him, I nearly fainted."

Adam Desrosiers and Miriam had dated briefly in 2006. Their relationship was cut short when Adam was arrested on drug trafficking charges. "Adam was a small time meth dealer. At some point after he got out of jail, he decided to move into my attic. I don't know how long he was up there for." Adam fled on foot shortly after being discovered. "He pushed me out of the way and ran off. He's a coward. A crazy, meth addled coward."

Miriam's attic had been turned into a veritable pigsty by her former surprise tenant. "I found jugs full of his pee stuffed in every corner of the attic. There were stacks of Tupperware containers stuffed with feces next to his sleeping bag. Worst of all? He had drilled holes in the ceiling of my bedroom. He was watching me sleep. I feel so violated."

The Montreal police are still searching for Adam. "I hope they find him soon. Dating a meth dealer was the worst choice I ever made."

John, a Montreal area tattoo artist and piercer, got more than he bargained for after a recent binge of methamphetamine. A large tattoo of a cartoonish looking vagina sits planted in the middle of his forehead.

"I always told my friends I like to get a lot of pussy, this is not what I meant" John said.

John went on to describe what happened. "I admit it, I do have a speed problem. I went out to the local techno club to listen to some fat beats, snorted some speed, had a few beers, and the rest I don't remember. Two days later I woke up with a huge hangover and a vagina tattooed to my forehead."

John added "I know I did it to myself, my tattoo equipment was all out when I woke up, and it was done with expensive japanese ink."

"Ever since this happened, it's been hard to be taken seriously. This isn't like getting a spiderweb tattooed on your elbow or YOLO tattooed on your ass, you can cover that up. I can't cover this up"

Erin, John's girlfriend and fellow tattoo artist, explained "Meth is a big problem in the tattoo and piercing world, everyone does it. It's a bit of a dirty secret. I've done it myself. One time I tattoo'ed Tinkerbell riding an ostrich on my ankle while tweaking on speed, but this is much worse."

Erin went on to explain some of the reasons meth is so widely used in the tattoo community.

"We used to be a small, close-knit community. Only the punks and metal heads got tattoos. Now everybody wants them. I have 16 year old girls who are demanding sleeves and paying with their parent's credit cards. We need the speed to stay awake to handle all the work!"

"Piercings are up too. Ever since Justin Beiber got a piercing all the girls and boys want them. I'm working 18 hour days sometimes! I don't know how I could do it without speed"

John added "I think it's gotten out of hand. Montreal is now a hotbed of meth and tattoos. As much as I love both, I think things are going too far and it's time to slow down a bit. I know I learned my lesson this time"

Local tattoo artists and piercers have pooled together funds to help John remove the tattoo from his forehead, and are currently taking donations from anyone who would like to help.

Montreal ravers are embracing the latest health fad in record numbers. Vagina cola cleansing, a wild new age therapy that originated in the clubs of Scotland, has hit the city with record force. Young women of all ages have taken up the cola douches with zeal of the true believers.

Lynn Cavis was an early cola cleanse convert. "I was in Scotland on a trip when I met a girl at this donk party who told me all about the health properties of cleaning your bits using a sponge soaked in cola. I know it sounds crazy, but it really works! I used to get chronic bladder infections, but ever since I took up coca cola, I've felt like a million dollars. Coca cola keeps you clean."

Local promoter Marie-Eve Beaudoin has been cashing in on the fad by hosting coca-cola cleansing parties. "These are girls only events, because really, boys don't want to see how we keep the pipe works clean. The tickets are only $10, and that includes a free sponge, a two litter bottle of spermicidal cola, and the sickest beats you've ever heard. Our all female girl power DJ line-up is second to none, plus we have plenty of booths that are all about keeping your vagina happy."

Not everyone is happy with the coca cola fad. Some doctors are downright concerned. "There's no basis in medical science for using coca-cola as some kind of wonder drug," said Dr. David Gilman, a West-Island gynecologist. "What I'm really worried is that some young women now thing that they don't need to use condoms so long as they wash themselves with coca cola afterwards. They are putting themselves at serious risk. There is absolutely no evidence that coca cola will prevent you from catching STDs."

Many of Montreal's coca cola cleansing community disagree. "I haven't used condoms or birth control since switching to coca cola cleanses," says Marie-Eve Beaudoin, "and I've never felt cleaner in my life. Cola works miracles, and it's a lot cheaper than condoms or birth control. If you have a vagina, you have to try the cola cleanse at least once. You won't regret it."

The citizens of Mile End are reeling over the news that one of their most beloved street performers, the mime Gen Tanaka, was in critical condition after a senseless attack Sunday afternoon on St-Urbain. Gille LaVierge, a 23 year old self-styled Goth raver, bit Gen's neck in what witnesses describe as a horrifying, random assault. "Gen was just doing his job, entertaining pedestrians, when this tweaked out goth jumped on him and bit his neck. There was blood all over the streets. It was awful," said resident Martin Martineau, who was the first person to alert the police of the attack.

Lt. Duchene of the Montreal police said that their investigation was ongoing, and that they are still piecing together the events that preceded the attack. "After Mr. LaVierge attacked the street mime, he ran down the street while yelling that he was a vampire and making threatening biting motions to the people he passed," said Lt. Duchene of the Montreal police. "Our officers were on the scene within minutes, and it took several of them to subdue Mr. LaVierge. One of our officers was wearing a crucifix on him, and when he showed it to LaVierge, he froze in panic, which made it possible for us to catch him."

LaVierge told the police that he was a vampire who needed to feed on human blood in order to survive. LaVierge's friends weren't surprised when they heard this. "I've known Gille for a few years," said Tony Clements, a frequent Rave.ca poster and massage parlour operator, "he's always been a giant vampire nut. He worships Anne Rice, he sleeps in a home made coffin, and when he drinks milk, he always adds red food and pretends its blood. He's pretty weird."

Area goths are worried the attack will perpetuate negative stereotypes. "Every time some lunatic goes on a rampage, the media always starts a witch hunt against goths," says Jenna Wilde, a clerk at a store that specializes in corsets and black lipstick. "Most goths are peaceable, kindhearted, and loving. We might wear black clothing, but that doesn't mean our hearts are black."