LONG-TERM SPEAKER-HUGGING MAY LEAD TO INTESTINAL DAMAGE

Doctors are reporting that people who hug the speakers when listening to music at parties are 6 times more likely to develop severe tissue damage to their large intestine. Reports show that the low frequency sound waves travelling through the body lead to the weakening of the intestinal wall tissue and can eventually lead to bowel related illnesses and even incontinence.

Dr. Daignault of the CHUM hospital center has reported that further research is being conducted to determine if more funding should be put into awareness campaigns to alert youth of the risks. "I think it is hard to say at the moment if the negative effects of speaker-hugging outweigh the positive but until we have drawn more conclusive studies, I would recommend that people try to refrain from long periods of speaker hugging."

Though there is no immediate cause for alarm, hysterics began to emerge when it was reported that a raver ended up at the hospital due to a long festival weekend of dancing and speaker-hugging. Jocelyn Lambert was admitted into hospital after leaving a party with complaints of severe cramps. Upon arriving at the hospital, internal bleeding was discovered by triage and she was admitted for an emergency operation.

Though Jocelyn has survived and is in stable condition, her parents have began a campaign to require manufacturers to put a large wire cage around the speaker to prevent future risks to others.

"It only makes sense that we protect our children from dangerous things," says Jocelyn's mother, Therese Lambert. "We already have to worry about drugs and alcohol but now we have to worry about music volumes and speaker access as well. At least with a wire cage around the speakers, people would be forced to stay at least 3 feet away from the speaker."

Therese and her husband, Francois Lambert have been writing letters to the Canadian Standards Association to see what kind of discourse they have to petition for adjustments made to speaker importation regulations.

Until a final report is submitted on the effects of speaker-hugging, ravers are advised to consider abstaining until further conclusions are rendered.