Researchers at Louisiana’s Montcalm University have released a study that claims attending Burning Man can cure aids. “Yes, we’ve conclusively shown that the most potent form of AIDS treatment is attending Burning Man,” says lead author Dr. Phil Privilege, “while we still need to investigate why Burning Man has such strong medicinal properties, it’s hard to argue with our trial results.”

Burning Man, a large weeklong outdoor gathering of young rich urban caucasians pretending to be Native Americans, has long been rumoured to be a source of incredible healing miracles. “Burning Man saved my life,” says Silicon Valley programmer and dedicated burner Barry White, “I suffered from chronic bourgeoisie syndrome until I attended my first Burning Man. Now though, I’m a man of the people, and I feel great.”

Lianna Lilly, The president of the Council of American Homeopaths & Magicians, says she’s not surprised that Dr. Privilege’s research has proven that Burning Man can cure aids. “Burning Man cures everything,” says Lianna, “and I think that’s because attending Burning Man is a lot like taking homeopathic medicine. Human wellness is diluted at Burning Man, and by being diluted, it becomes amplified until it saturates the whole event, and this diluted wellness triggers people’s bodies to reboot to their natural, healthy state. When you go to Burning Man, the darkness in your soul gives way to the light.”