A firestorm has engulfed Montreal social media after a patron at Bar Les Fesses D’Or was stabbed in the abdomen during a fight on Saturday. Internet users across a dozen websites celebrated the attack, saying it was justified because the victim was white. It should be noted that everyone involved in the incident was caucasian and that police have clearly stated race played no role whatsoever in the attack. Witnesses say that the altercation started over an argument about whether or not the Lord of the Rings was better than Game of Thrones.

“Sure, that bar fight had nothing to do with race, but stabbing white people should be legal,” claimed Betty Leboss, a columnist for The Montreal Guardian, a progressive newspaper owned by a large media conglomerate based in the United States. “The lesson that we should take away from this tragic incident is that we need to insert racial animosity into every aspect of our lives, even aspects that have nothing to do with race. When we keep racism at the forefront of our mind, we’ll not only make the world a better place, but newspapers like mine will rack in way more money. Controversy sells, and anything that sells is good for society. Or at least it’s good for my employers bottom line, which is all I care about."

Many on Facebook and twitter agree. “I’m really happy that modern journalists engage in constant race baiting in order to stir up controversy after controversy,” says Melissa Couteau, a 25 year old McGill student. “If it wasn’t for journalists constantly telling us that we should be angry about everything, everywhere, always, we might enjoy our lives. And that would be awful. I’d much rather live my life in a perpetual state of frothing rage. Just imagine what would happen if journalists focused on building bridges between people instead of pitting them against each other? That would be terrible.."

Michael Edwick, a professor of journalism at McGonnicle university, agrees. “Journalism has nothing to do with reporting the truth — and that’s a good thing,” says Michael. "It’s all about maximizing profit. Peace isn’t nearly as profitable as conflict. Is it okay to stab white people? Of course not, but that’s the kind of question that makes people angry, and making people angry is what newspapers are all about. We shouldn’t mess with a winning formula."