Take enough MDMA, and you’ll come face to face with a comedown that feels like a kick in the teeth, the kind that leaves you feeling as if your entire life is a joke without a punchline. Frequent MDMA users often keep a supply of 5HTP handy to help their brains get back to normal after a trip, but thanks to a new study by researchers at McGale University, 5HTP might no longer be necessary.

“Our study reveals that the serotonin levels of MDMA users recover faster when they swallow semen as opposed to 5HTP pills,” says lead researcher Dr. Gunthrap Gannon. “If you’re an active drug users and you want to ensure that your high isn’t followed by a very deep low, our recommendation is that on nights when you take a lot of drugs, make sure to swallow a mouth full of semen before going to bed. You’ll wake up feeling like a million dollars."

Montreal MDMA dealers have been quick to capitalize on this new study. “I now offer all my customers medicinal semen with their drugs,” says narcotics peddler Henry Beauville. “I not only offer my customers jarred medicinal semen but they can also suck it right out from the source. In order to keep my customers coming back, I want to ensure that they enjoy their drug highs. Offering medicinal semen to my customers has made a huge difference in terms of their satisfaction levels. "

Mary Fincklehorn agrees. “I’ve been buying from Henry for ages,” says Mary. “And I swear, ever since he started offering fresh organic medicinal semen with his MDMA, I’ve been enjoying his MDMA so much more. Now I can’t imagine taking MDMA without ending my night with a mouth full of healthy medicinal semen. It’s made such a huge difference to the way I party. I no longer have to spend days recovering every time I roll anymore, it’s fantastic."