Scientists at the Nude Dancing Research Institute have released a shocking report that shows that the majority of Montreal’s strippers survive off of a diet consisting entirely of pigeon meat. “The fact that so many women in our city are living off of flying rodents suggests that we have failed them,” says lead research Chuun Vrehperzoon. “It’s time for us to ask what went wrong. Why are strippers running through the streets, hunting pigeons with slings and arrows? Why aren’t they shopping at the grocery store like the rest of us? What exactly explains their diet? These are the questions that keep me up at night.”

Jennie Ambers, a dancer for Le Niceguy Club, says that the pigeon diet is just part of the stripping game in Montreal. “If you want to be a stripper in Montreal, you have to join a guild,” says Jennie. “The guild leaders will teach you the skills you need to survive in Montreal. How to use a bow and arrow, how to track your prey, how to twerk in front of strangers. That kind of stuff. Once you learn how to hunt pigeons for meat, why would you bother going to the grocery store? Pigeon meat is delicious. The people who are making a big deal about how strippers eat are crazy. Pigeon hunting is part of our culture. When you join the stripper tribe, you commit to living the stripper life, and that means learning to hunt and cook your own food.”

Montreal is one of the only cities in the world where strippers have to belong to a guild before they can work in clubs. “We’ve always had guilds, and those guilds have always taught strippers how to hunt and cook pigeons,” says Anita Caulk, the guild leader for the Rusty Bottom Girls. “I don’t know why everyone’s making a huge deal about it all of sudden. I wish the researchers would go back to ignoring us. We’ve been perfectly happy doing our thing, and we don’t need outsiders telling us we need to change. We’ll keep hunting and eating pigeons, and anyone who wants us to stop can go to hell.”