Carl Gustav, the 43 year old club owner of Chez Saloperie, was humiliated Thursday evening after a ten year old child beat the hell out of him outside the entrance of his club. The young bully, who can’t be named for legal reasons, had taken umbrage with the fact that the club’s girlfriend was far too pretty to be dating a man as ugly as Carl. “That old man looked like a donkey’s butt,” says the young child, “He was outside his club, his arm around his girlfriend. And that woman was hot. Like a super model. It’s not fair. Ugly people like that guy shouldn’t be allowed to date beautiful people like her. I said that to him. He insulted me. So I beat the shit out of him.”

The fact that Carl lost a fight with a child did not impress his girlfriend, Theresa Blaine, who promptly dumped him. “I liked the fact that Carl is rich and has a big club and access to lots of drugs,” says Theresa, “but the fact that he’s a pussy who can’t even beat up a ten year old boy? Total turn off. We now live in a world where most grown men can’t even defend themselves against little boys. There’s no testosterone left in North America. I’m not saying that the ten year old was more manly than Carl, but I am saying that Carl wasn’t man enough to beat up a ten year old. And that’s not just a problem Carl has, it’s a problem that all the men in Montreal have. They’ve all been emasculated. They’re little girly men who don’t know how to fight, who don’t know how to stand tall, who don’t know how to take charge.”

Women across Montreal share Theresa’s complaint. “There are no men left in Montreal. They’re all man-children who don’t know how to initiate, how to lead, or how to act like grown-ups. I don’t think Carl is the only guy who’d lose a fight with a ten year old. I think most men in Montreal would.”