A new study released by the Institute of Factual Science claims to show a link between infertility and loud music. “Our study does show that there is a definite relationship between the two,” says lead researcher Greg LeVrai. “The exact biology is a bit of a mystery. We’re not sure why it causes infertility, we only know that for every hour listening to loud music, the chance that your ovaries will fall out or that your sperm count will plummet increases by 0.1%.”

These numbers are astoundingly high. “We believe that this might explain the lower birth rates that seem to plague developed nations,” says Greg. “It makes sense. Birth rates fall as access to loud speakers increases. You’re not going to get good quality speakers in places where people can barely afford the necessities of life. Loud music is a luxury, a luxury that might be dooming the entire human race to extinction. The louder the music, the less children you have. As poverty is eradicated, and poor countries acquire more and more clubs equipped with high-quality speakers, I expect to see a sharp decline in birth rates across the board.”

Experts warn against buying into demographic doomsday scenarios. “Their study hasn’t even been peer reviewed,” says scientist Bard Youspoony. "Just because they call themselves the Institute of Factual Science doesn’t actually mean that they’re engaged in factual science. I could call myself Godzilla, but that doesn’t make me a giant lizard creature. I think, before jumping to conclusions, people should remember not to believe everything they read. Most newspapers these days are really nothing more than tabloids. Journalists suck at covering science. And I say that without equivocation. They’re awful — i’d even say they were criminally negligent, considering the amount of harm they unleash into the world. Most of the science stories you read in papers? They’re just republished press releases. Anyone can send out a press release. I could send one out tomorrow that says I’ve successfully conducted a study that proves vaginal farts can cure cancer, and newspapers would then reprint my news release word for word without bothering to fact check anything. Do you think science journalists even bother to read the studies they cover? Hell, most scientists don’t even bother to read the studies they cite in their own work.”

Greg says Bard’s criticisms are baseless. “We definitely conducted a study, and it will be submitted to a journal for peer review,” says Greg. “Someday, probably. Who knows. In the mean time, we want to make sure people know that they shouldn’t listen to loud music if they want to have children. We’re not trying to scare people, we’re trying to help them. Trust us. We're scientists."