Montreal promoter Keith Derrick is winning plaudits from bon pensants across the world after he paused his last party at 3am in order to hold a rape culture seminar. “His idea of bringing gender sensibility training to dance culture was a brilliant and boundary pushing innovation,” says Gerald Ludwig Bonderschnauser The Third, an aristocratic white man from San Francisco. “By pausing his party and forcing his audience to contemplate the oppressive patriarchal privilege that infuses our society, Keith was reminding people that rape culture isn’t something you can escape. It’s everywhere, and since it’s everywhere, we are all obliged to stop enjoying ourselves. We must immiserate one another in order to liberate each other from the death grip of patriarchy. So long as patriarchy persists, raving is a distraction from the struggle. And the struggle is all that matters. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go fire my butler. He served me kale salad when I had asked him for quinoa, and that’s simply not something I can abide. The help these days, they’re the foot soldiers of the patriarchy."

Keith Derrick says his innovative breakthrough came to him one day while he was snorting several lines of cocaine in the back of his car. “I had this coke induced epiphany,” says Keith. “As a promoter, I’m often accused by people of being a degenerate scumbag who profits off vice and sin. That’s accurate, but it’s not the whole picture. I’m also vain and petty and enjoy pretending to be a decent human being, and that’s why I wanted to take advantage of the latest cause du jours in signalling that I was an upstanding member of the community. In 2012, I would have paused the party to talk about KONY, but in 2015? Rape culture is where it’s at. That’s how you let people know that you’re deep, empathic, and compassionate."

Keith said he paused the party at 3am for thirty minutes of sensitivity training. “I asked all the men in the crowd to meditate on how they’re all potential rapists,” says Keith. “I told them that there’s an inner rapist living in every man, and the only way to keep
this inner rape monster from breaking out and raping everyone and everything in its path is by teaching men not to rape. Because if we don't learn not to rape, we’re just going to go out and do it. We have to be taught not to be terrible, preferably by someone with a liberal arts degree."

Lucky for the audience, Keith had invited a critical theorist to attend the event. “Aleja Gomez is a student journalist at Concordia,” says Keith. “He’s read a handful of English translations of French post-modernist philosophy, which makes him eminently qualified to talk about rape to a room full of strangers. Aleja was a real barn buster, the absolute highlight of the night. I think he really taught all those men about how they're inherently sinful, and the only thing standing between them and their urge to rape all the women they see is the benediction of a liberal art graduate.”

Keith says that after today's rape culture hysteria passes, he’ll come up with a new way to show off his political bonafides. “I think it’s really important for us to treat politics as a fashion statement,” says Keith. “If we end up actually caring about things and thinking about them in ways that involve genuine compassion, empathy, and understanding, we might actually make the world a better place and that would be terrible."