Politicians across Quebec are pleading with parents, asking them not to bribe their children with cocaine and blow jobs. Their entreaties are, however, falling on deaf ears. “Unfortunately, they’re refusing to listen to common sense,” says Dr. Beverley Thibault, a family therapist at the Montreal Vraisencrist Hospital. "Hundreds of families in Montreal have adopted a mad new parenting fad where children receive cocaine and blow jobs from escorts in exchange for doing chores around the house or receiving high grades."

Dr. Thibault says this fad started deep in the trailer parks of Florida, where parents often resort to unconventional child reading methods to deal with their unruly spawn. “Yeah, we used to just beat the shit out of our kids,” says Earl Smith of Gainesville, “but one day when my son was acting up, I just threw an eight ball of coke at his face in anger. To my surprise, it calmed him right down. He started behaving like a good boy. I started experimenting, and soon my son was getting straight As in schools and our trailer was the cleanest on the lot."

Earl wrote a book about his experience, “High Families: How to Raise Good Children with the Help of Cocaine and Prostitutes”. The book was a surprise hit, and quickly sold out across the nation. “The cocaine and hookers family plan works,” says Earl. “Sure, it’s not pretty, but life rarely is. The truth is, kids like cocaine and they like getting laid. Even girls like sex — don’t think you’re daughter will turn down a night a well hung stud. There’s no romance in the boudoir, especially when cocaine is involved."

Parents in Montreal are raving about the excellent results they’ve been getting with the Earl’s cocaine and hookers method to raising children. “My son use to be at the bottom of his class,” says desperate housewife Vivian Calice. “Today, he has straight As and was recently accepted to Harvard University. That never would have happened without the help of cocaine and whores."

Dr. Thibault says that parents are sacrificing the long term health of their children for short term gains in behaviour and academic performance. “Children who are raised on a steady diet of cocaine and commodified sex will probably grow up to be dysfunctional,” says Dr. Thibault. “We don’t know. No research has ever been done on the subject. We are in uncharted, drug fuelled territory."