Toronto’s controversial family therapy Marissa Mayner is known to court controversy, and her latest stunt is sure to boost her public profile. This weekend, she launched The Family LSD Initiative, a non-profit dedicated to legalizing LSD, which she says is a wonder drug that possesses incredible therapeutic powers. “A little bit of LSD can a whole lot of difference in the quality of your family relationships,” says Marissa. “Dysfunctional families can become whole again by taking LSD together. This might sound crazy, but the science is sound. Studies from around the world show that LSD is a game changer when it comes to therapy. It can be used to break old habits and to create the mental flexibility required to adopt new ways of being and relating. The current prohibition on LSD is sentencing tens of thousands of family to pain and misery, misery that could be lifted with just a bit of acid.”

Social conservatives disagree. “Drugs are bad, mmmkay,” says Chester Wingnut, the founder of Adults Against Scientific Immorality, a non-profit dedicated to saving souls from the corruptions of science. “I don’t care if studies show that LSD can be used therapeutically. Just because something is good for you doesn’t mean it isn’t immoral, and LSD is definitely immoral. Anyone who takes it is a bad human being who deserves to ostracized, imprisoned, and physically and emotionally ruined. We, as a society, need to stand up against scientific progress that challenges the moral foundations of our communities. Drugs are bad, period.”

Government politicians share Chester’s opinions. “Sure, if we legalized LSD and made it possible for therapist to use it in their practices, it would help a lot of people,” says Liberal candidate Godfrey Willtowers, “but just because drugs can help people doesn’t mean we should legalize them. Canada’s drug policy was largely shaped by our American neighbours to the south, and we can’t just go and change those policies just because scientists say we should. If we do that, we’ll upset America’s massively corrupt drug policing apparatus that depends on the complete and total obedience of it’s vassal states. People think that we’re an independent country, but we’re not. Canada can’t go passing laws that will upset the American’s. We can disagree over small things, but we can’t disagree over big things like the war on drugs. Our freedom is limited by American power, and Canadians need to learn to accept that.”

Chester says he’s glad that corrupt American drug warriors hold so much power over Canadian policy. “I’m really happy that Canada’s a vassal state that’s incapable of setting it’s own policies and agendas without first asking for American permissions,” says Chester. “America helps keep Canada moral, and that’s a good thing. All hail our American overlords, protectors of Canadian morality!”

Marissa remains committed to challenging Canada’s drug laws. “We need to step out of America’s shadow and forge our own path,” says Marissa. “It’s time for Canada to declare independence from American drug policy. It’s time for us to stand up for truth, science, and the Canadian way.”