Canada’s Liberal Party is doubling down on radical social liberalism with it’s new State Funded Brothels initiative. This new initiative comes on the heel’s of last weeks Pokemon Identity Act, a controversial bill that will make it legal for teenagers under 18 to buy alcohol so long as their pokemon collection is impressive enough. The Pokemon Identity Act raised alarm among Canada’s dwindling population of social conservatives, who are now recoiling in horror at Trudeau’s latest effort to turn Canada into a decadent mess of drugs, sex, and rock and roll.

“First they abolish the drinking age, and now they’re opening up brothels in our suburbs! What’s next, are they going to mandate gay sex? Are they going to force all the men to dress up as women? The Trudeau Liberals are out control!” says angry old man Heinz Levieux. “I spend all my free time complaining about the liberals on Facebook, and now thanks to the state funded brothels initiative, I’m going to have even more things to complain about! Whores belong downtown, with all the dirty hipsters. Leave us suburbanites alone!”

The countries sex workers are thrilled at the possibility of state subsidized brothels opening up across the land. “Now that the government is getting directly involved in the regulation and sale of sex, sex workers will be much safer,” says escort Lucy Ling. “We’ll be unionized, we’ll have access to the full protection of the law, and we’ll be better positioned to ensure that sex workers in Canada are here by choice. As long as sex work exists in a grey legal zone it will be home to predators who exploit vulnerable women. Some radical sex negative feminists want to abolish sex work, and they’re just as misguided as the social conservatives who share their hatred of us. In the end, sex has always been commodified and will always be commodified, and it’s up to all of us to accept this and to find ways to make the sale of sex safe for everyone involved. Human beings are imperfect. We are never going to eliminate crime, we’ll never eliminate gambling, we’ll never eliminate prostitution. What we need to do is find ways to handle vices to maximize safety and minimize violence. When we stick our heads in the sand by believing that human vices can be eradicated with sufficient government engineering, we end up creating hostile environments for sex workers that put them at risk.”

John Wilkes, Canada’s Minister of Prostitution and Cocaine, grees. “Not only is subsidizing brothels good for sex workers, it’s good for Canada, it’s good for the economy, and it’s good for all the lonely politicians out there who have frigid wives. Lord know’s I’d rather be ploughing a couple of whores than going back home to my wife, who I haven’t had sex with in over five months.”