Theodore Logan, a 22 year old plumber from Valleyfield, died late Monday evening after trying to get drunk on vanilla extract. “He choked on his own vomit,” says best friend Leelee Lemon, “it’s a really tragic way to go. He didn’t die fighting ISIS in Rojava, he didn’t die saving a child from a burning house, he didn’t die valiantly or bravely. He died because he was desperate for alcohol, so he chugged down bottle of vanilla extract. He found the taste so disgusting that he puked, and then he choked on his own puke. I loved the guy, but damn was he was stupid.”

Theodore was not the first man to die a vanilla extract related death. “Vanilla extract is 35% alcohol,” says vanillologist and white supremacist Chet Gaswell. “That’s enough to get you drunk. And a lot of working class caucasians are willing to try their luck on a cheap buzz. It never ends up. I have to emphasize the racial dimension of vanilla extract related mortalities. Death by vanilla extract is an overwhelmingly white person phenomenon, for every black person who is dumb enough to drink vanilla extract, you’ve got at least twenty honkies doing the same thing. It’s a tragedy of epic scale that the biased mainstream media refuses to cover. They don’t want to talk about how white people are dying, every day, because of vanilla extract. That’s not a coincidence, it’s all part of the western elite’s plan to murder the white race. Vanilla extract is white genocide in a tiny little bottle.”

Genocidal maniac Charles Clampton agrees. “As an expert in murder and mayhem, I attest to everything that Chet Gaswell says. Not only that, but my investigations reveal that vanilla extract isn’t made of vanilla beans, as commonly believed, but by the grounded up remains of white people who have been abducted and murdered by a shadowy militant organization known as Kill Whitey. As a ruthless killer myself, I respect the work they do. That said, I believe that people should know the truth. When you use vanilla extract to make cookies, you’re really eating dead white people.”

Leelee Lemon isn’t so sure. “I don’t think there’s an epidemic of vanilla extract related deaths, nor do i think vanilla extract is made up of dead white people,” says Leelee. “I do, however, think that Theodore was an idiot, and now other idiots are capitalizing on his death by spreading crazy conspiracy theories.”