Montreal’s student population is raving over the hipster human centipede show that’s currently taking place at the Jmemcriss Desanglosgauchiste Salon. The controversial show features a painter staring at a blank canvas while he’s surrounded by a chain of asshole licking effete weirdos. The scene itself was inspired by the horror movie The Human Centipede, says Joseph Goebbel, the salon’s proprietor as well as the man responsible for the show.

“Nothing captures the spirit of today’s world better than a room full of gullible idiots sacrificing their self-respect in the name of art,” says Joseph. “We now live in a society where a bunch of university graduates thought re-enacting scenes from the horror movie The Human Centipede in real life was a good idea. Those idiots you see licking each other’s butts? Yeah, that’s what a liberal art degree gets you: the chance to humiliate yourself in front of strangers.”

Most students don’t see it that way, though. “I’m studying liberal arts at Concordia because I want to challenge working class standards of dignity,” says Lucy Lawful. “Even though Mr. Goebbel’s intention is to mock people like me, I think he’s actually doing his own cause a disservice. The fact is, so long as you get a liberal arts degree, nothing you do can be undignified, and that includes re-enacting scenes from The Human Centipede. The only thing that can possibly be undignified in our society is being a member of the working class. You went to trade school and became a plumber? Well, you’re far more disgusting than a room full of strangers licking each other’s assholes for art. That’s something I learned at Concordia, and I think it’s the truth.”

Joseph says he doesn't care what the students think. "I'm done with this world. It's full of idiots and imbeciles, and I can't handle it anymore. I'm going to wrap up the art show by setting myself on fire in front of a live audience. I'm done dealing with all you degenerate freaks."

Dozens of ravers drowned in a tragic boat accident over the weekend after they hit an iceberg off the coast of Newfoundland. The ravers, who had rented the boat to throw a school party, had next to no nautical experience. The only survivor, 22 year old television junkie Josh Wiggums, credits his love of the 1980s hit TV show Macgyver with saving his life.

“Once the boat started sinking, I knew it was do-or-die time,” says Josh. “I asked myself, ‘what would MacGyver do in a situation like this?’ That’s when I noticed that the fattest kid on the boat had been killed after a turn table fell on his neck. I swam over to his pudgy body and used the remains of the turn table to transform his dead body into a serviceable raft."

Engineers are in awe of his ingenuity. “I think it’s excellent that this young man was able to transform a fat kid into something useful,” says Georgio Gionni, president of Engineering A Thinner World, a foundation dedicated to tackling obesity using science. “We’ve decided to offer young Mr. Wiggums a scholarship in order to honour his quick thinking. In the event of a tragedy, everyone should always ask themselves ‘Is there a fat person here we can use as raw materials for a life saving invention?’”

Josh agrees. “I think fat people were put on earth for a reason, and that’s to help skinny people survive horrifying tragedies. I’m grateful that i shared that boat for a fat kid, whose buoyancy helped me survive the harsh atlantic ocean. Blubber, combined with good old fashion Macgyverisms, saved my life. I’ll never forget that."

Montreal police are asking the city’s event promoters to be extra careful after the notorious Yolo Killer, posted a threatening video to youtube, warning that he would eat and devour anyone who dared organize a rave on the island. “Given the Yolo Killer’s murderous track record, we believe that his threat is credible. Event organizers should be extra cautious in the weeks and months ahead. If they see a man in a yellow track suit chasing after them with a pick axe, they should call the police."

The Yolo Killer has terrorized Montreal for the last five years, killing obnoxious young adults across the city. “In the past, he exclusively targeted people under 25 who ran around screaming yolo in public,” says Montreal detective Regent Rasputin. “Now that he’s evaded capture for so long, he’s become bolder and has broadened his reign of terror to include anyone involved in the city’s nightlife."

Regent believes that he’s targeting event organizers because he blames them for the wanton degeneracy of the yolo generation. “He thinks he can purify Montreal of degenerate party goers by murdering all the event organizers,” says Regent. “He’s right, but that doesn’t mean that he should go ahead and do it. If he wants to clean up the city, he should do it legally by getting elected and ordering the police to beat up event organizers. That’s the lawful way of dealing with trash."

Event organizers say that they’re not worried bout the Yolo killer. “Hey man, I don’t care if yellow track suit wearing psychopath plants a pick axe in my brain,” says event organizer Giles Brown. “You only live once, you know? I’d rather focus on how I live my life than worry about how I’ll die. Pick axe to the brain at 32, heart attack at 54, brain cancer at 83. What difference does it make? Death comes for all of us, so why fret about it."

Dozens of clubs across Montreal will spray human blood all over their guests this Halloween in a gross-out event that has many critics gagging. “Is it disgusting and unsafe? Sure! But that’s half the fun,” says club owning hematolagniac Jason Krueger. “I got the idea from the Netherland’s Blood Rave events, a modern take on the ancient Dutch tradition of Gutenblaak, a pagan ritual for the fall equinox that involves bathing in the blood of dead fat children. I told my promoter friends about Gutenblaak, and now most of the clubs downtown will be hosting blood spraying events of their own. It’s going to be a bloody Halloween."

The Netherland’s banned the practice of Gutenblaak in 1994 after reformers won a narrow referendum on the matter. “Gutenblaak might have been outlawed, but the Dutch fascination with smearing their bodies with blood hasn’t gone away,” says Jason. “The Blood Rave is a more politically correct version of Gutenblaak. Since it doesn’t involve killing fat children, the authorities are powerless to stop it. I hate that we live in a world where morally righteous do-gooders are busy trying to sap society of all it’s rough edges. The world needs weird, psychotic events like Gutenblaak. We need to occasionally slaughter the innocent and cover ourselves in their bloods. Human beings are predators and we should celebrate our killing instincts, not try to pretend that they don’t exist."

The world’s recent fascination with Gutenblaak baffles Dutch authorities, who find its popularity embarrassing. “I don’t want the Netherlands to be associated with blood bath parties,” says Dutch culture affairs minister Henrik Bovine. “There are countless other cultural practices that better represent our people. Our love for exquisitely crafted wooden shoes, our fantastic meat based pastries and our cutting edge pornographic virtual reality industry. These are the kind of things that I wish foreigners would associate with the Netherlands, not that godforsaken barbaric pagan ritual Gutenblaak. The Dutch have moved on from the days when they would bathe in the blood of fat children. We are a now more civilized people, and these blood rave events are offensive. I hope the people of Montreal will respect the people of the Netherlands by saying no to Gutenblaak. Blood raves aren’t just gross, they’re also a grotesque caricature of dutch traditions."

Ramen Raves are coming to Montreal, and party hardy food enthusiasts are already salivating over the event. “I only love three things in this world,” says 19 year old drug addict Jasmine Bushmonger, “and that’s cocaine, ramen noodles, and techno music. The ramen rave combines all three of my passions into one neat package. I can’t wait to eat ramen while dancing my ass off to some psytrance!"

Ramen Ravers were first concocted in Australia, a country where most people have severe brain damage as a result of being constantly bitten by venomous spiders and the occasional rabid wallaby. “Ramen ravers couldn’t have been invented anywhere else but Australia,” says ramen connoisseur and EDM producer Bobby Noyle. “Most people think that ramen noodles are an asian delicacy, but they were actually invented down under by early techno pioneer and Melbourne resident DJ Lionel Hauseregnoff. Lionel wasn’t just just an expert musician, he was also a culinary genius. He spent years trying to make an edible analogue to techno music, and ramen was the result. It’s easy to cook, it’s delicious, it’s cheap, and poor people love it. It’s funny that so few people are aware of ramen noodles techno roots."

Australia’s techno scene decided to correct that by spreading ramen awareness with noodle themed dance parties. “You’re typical ramen rave revolves around a giant kitchen where people can order all the ramen they can eat,” says Ramen Rave founder Mike Catovitch. “In the middle of the kitchen is a DJ booth where talented artists pump out awesome EDM music."

Mike says one of the reasons Ramen Raves are so good is that party goers are encouraged to throw their soup on the DJs if they play a bad set. “The DJs at a ramen rave have to be awesome, or they’ll end the night in the hospital with third degree burns all over their bodies,” says Mike. “Ramen isn’t just a delicious soup, it’s also a potent weapon that we use to ensure that our parties are high quality affairs. Come for the music and the food, stay for the chance to menace DJs with scalding hot soup!"

Montreal’s first Ramen Rave will take place October 31st at General Tao’s Noodle Shackt. Tickets cost $15 dollars at the door, ramen noodles not included.

Doctors are warning men to avoid looking at women with pixie girl haircuts. “Men may not realize this, but the pixie girl haircut has anti-patriarchal powers that give men heart attacks and violent seizures if they’re exposed to them for an extended period of time,” says Dr. Glen Glennerglinn. “Every day, men die of pixie girl haircut instigated illnesses. Thanks to the growing popularity of this feminist haircut, hundreds of thousands of men across America and Europe have died."

Feminists have long known about the anti-patriarchal properties of the pixie girl haircut. Laurie Pennyworth, writing for Newslamp magazine, clearly laid out some simple facts: “Feminism will conquer the patriarchy only after women cut off their hair. Our hair contains magical powers that weaken us the longer it gets. Women are, effectively, like a reverse version of Samson, the biblical character whose hair gave him superpowers. In the case of women, though, our hair makes us powerless before patriarchy, and only by cutting off our locks can we assert our god given rights to kick ass and kill men!"

Henry Crudendorf, the current president of The Patriarchy, says he’s deeply concerned about the modern rise female hair related empowerment. “The Patriarchy has spent centuries hiding the power of female hair from women, carefully building a culture of ignorance around their mane relate strength. Thanks to the rise of gender studies, bourgeois academics are now smashing a conspiracy that has lasted for millennia,” says Henry. “This is a disaster for the human race. The pixie girl haircut poses an existential threat to the power of the patriarchy. And that should concern everyone, because if the patriarchy stops controlling the world, it will create a power vacuum that will lead to an all out war between our closest competitors: jews and lizard aliens from the lower ninth dimension. Feminists can smash the patriarchy, but how will they deal with the worldwide jewish conspiracy and the worldwide transdimensional lizard alien conspiracy? Patriarchy keeps both of those forces in check. Feminists are like the American’s who overthrew Libya and Iraq’s government — they have no appreciation of the shit storm they’ll unleash on to the world by overthrowing us. I hope they like being slaves to alien lizards and zionist bankers!"

Feminists, for their part, remain undeterred. “First we’ll kill the patriarchy with our fabulous pixie girl haircuts, and after that, we’ll deal with the jews and the lizard people."

Candy bracelets make you stupid claim researchers at McCordia University’s Centre for the Psychology of Aging. “It’s true, wearing candy bracelets makes you functionally retarded,” says lead researcher Axel Pink. “People don’t realize the incredible impact their clothing has on their mental and emotional states. At the psychological level, clothing functions as an extension of our physical selves. Our minds often have trouble differentiating between our bodies and the things that adorn them, and this can lead to really interesting psychological phenomena. If you wear a lab coat, you actually start behaving more intelligently, even if you’re otherwise complete idiot. Our clothing literally changes the way we think. Because candy bracelets are associated with children and youth, adults who wear them regress mentally until they’re basically idiots."

Ravers aren’t surprised by the mentally deleterious effects of wearing candy bracelets. “The moment I put on a candy bracelet, I just feel like opening up a can of paint and eating out of it with a spoon,” says 24 year old avid party goers Lacey Johnson. “I don’t know why, but it’s like candy bracelets make me a self-destructive idiot."

Other ravers agree. “Oh man, the moment I put on a candy bracelet, it’s like common sense goes straight out the window,” says 32 year old man-child John Goerring. “It’s not uncommon for me to masturbate in public when I’m wearing candy bracelets. I’d never do that without one of them on, though. It’s like candy bracelets give my brain permission to just let go."

Axel believes that candy bracelets cause our brains prefrontal cortex to shut down, letting our more primal impulses run wild. “The prefrontal cortex is basically our brain’s policeman,” says Axel. “It’s the smart part where reason and logic rule. We did some MRI scans, and we found that the moment people put on a candy bracelet, all the neurons that usually fire in the prefrontal cortex go silent. Have you ever seen those pictures of South Korea and North Korea at night, and how North Korea is pitch black while the south is lit up like a christmas tree? Well, your brain on candy bracelets looks like North Korea. Don’t wear them."

Ravers remain defiant, though. “Sometimes being stupid is good for you,” says Lacey. “Sometimes I don’t want to think, sometimes I just want to eat dirt and giggle and act like a toddler. Being stupid doesn’t have to be a bad thing."

Political strategics across Europe have united behind a controversial strategy to deal with the Syrian refugee crisis: they’re going to open up thousands of clubs near their borders, which the refugees will be forced to attend before being granted passage into Europe. “We believe that if Syrians are exposed to EDM and European club culture, they’ll decide to return home,” says John Wilkinson, an analyst with the Coudenhove Kalergi Institute for European Integrity. “Club culture is so degenerate, no one in their right mind would want to be exposed to it. In a way, clubbing is a kind of refugee repellant. It shows them that Europe is a cess pool of immorality that will poison their souls and damn them to hell."

Many refugees agree. “I was really looking forward to starting over in Germany,” says Syrian John Smith, “but after I was forced to dance to EDM at one of their European clubs, I realized there was no way I would ever want to live in Europe. Those people are savage barbarians whose souls have been thoroughly ruined by materialism. European culture is a culture of whores and greed, of lust and money. Europeans are so busy nurturing their bodies that they neglected their souls, which have withered away and died. There’s nothing sacred left in Europe. It’s a land of pure materialism. I’d rather live in Syria, where people are still aware of the divine. Better to live in a country where life and limb are always at risk than in a country where your soul is constantly at risk."

European clubbers are baffled by the fact that their way of life is being used to repel refugees. “Fun, fun, fun is number one!” says 24 year old cocaine addict Hank Simpson. “Why would anyone be disgusted by a life of pure debauchery? Life is meaningless, there’s no such thing as god, and one day our brief and pointless existences will be snuffed out, our consciousness replaced with eternal emptiness. In the face of these cruel realities, doesn’t it make sense to spend all our times gratifying our fleeting physical urges? Who needs the sacred when you have cocaine and pussy? Fuck bitches, snort coke, dance to EDM. That’s the good life. If the refugees find that abhorrent, than they’re crazy weirdos and Europe is better off without them. If they move here, they need to embrace our rampant nihilism and materialistic lifestyle. Hail Satan!"

Concordia's Union of Bourgeois Anglo Activists is drawing fire for their controversial plan to celebrate the Charlie Hebdo massacre. “We’re going to host a huge rave in honour of the brave resistance fighters who murdered the evil cartoonists behind Charlie Hebdo,” says Concordia student Barry Allan. “We are running straight towards the colonial oppressors, letting them know that their reign of terror is coming to an end. Death to those who disagree with white upper class bourgeois liberalism! Death to our opponents! Kill everyone who disagrees with English speaking university students! Intersectionality akbar!"

Many Montrealers are terrified at how radicalized and insane Concordia students have become. “The political climate at Concordia has become terrifying,” says a professor who insisted on remaining anonymous. “It sometime feels like we’re in the build-up of the third reich. English university activists in Montreal are now openly celebrating the murder of French speaking cartoonists, standing in judgment of a foreign culture despite not understanding it. They don’t seem to appreciate that the English in Montreal are a minority, and that their authoritarian fanaticism will end badly for English speakers, as they antagonize and vilify people who outnumber them. If students at Concordia don’t chill the hell out and back the fuck off, we’re going to see marches against our city’s English universities. It happened in the sixties, and it’s going to happen again if this keeps up. There is a deeply patronizing form of cultural chauvinism that permeates white english activism right now. It’s like they don’t realize that their brand of identity politics elevates their own culture, specifically yankee culture, above everyone else’s while pretending to champion diversity. English activists can get away with this crap in the rest of Canada, but in Montreal? We’re going to have English vs French race riots in the years ahead if things don’t change."

Many Francophones agree. “I am sick and tired of English liberal activists,” says Minette LaMignone. “The Charlie Hebdo massacre is one of those events that really highlights the deep cultural divide between English and French people. The problem is that Concordia and McGill aren’t part of Quebec society. They’re instruments of English domination. Most Concordia students don’t learn anything about Quebec society or history. They’re completely ignorant of how French people were treated prior to the quiet revolution, they have no appreciation for our historical struggles, they’re oblivious to the fact that Francophones used to make fifty cents for every dollar Anglophones made, they don’t realize that when the KKK came to Montreal, it was to harass the French, they don’t remember that the English used to tell the French to speak white. These English liberals at Concordia erase our history, and then they spit on us and lecture us about morality. It is incredibly insulting that our conquerors turn around and claim we’re the oppressor, all while pissing over our culture and our values. The bigots that our English universities keep pumping out are in for a rude awakening. If these Universities don’t get a grip on their student politics and start teaching them to respect French culture, a government far more radical than the Party Quebecois will wind up in power, and when that happens, their will be hell to pay."

Concordia student Barry Allan disagrees. “Look, at the end of the day, English liberalism represents the one true path to freedom and liberty,” says Barry. “The only way to free the planet from colonialism is by colonizing it with yankee bourgeois values. Francophones who don’t agree with English values and social mores are pathetic bigots who need to be eradicated off the face of the earth. If you’re not an English speaking bourgeois liberal, you deserve to be murdered in a hail of gunfire just like the cartoonists at Charlie Hebdo. That’s what I believe, and a lot of Concordia activists agree with me. And that’s why our Murder-the-French-Cartoonists party is guaranteed to be a smash hit! It’s going to be full of anglo-chauvnistic cultural imperialists dedicated to imposing yankee values on the world. And the DJs we got lined up are off the hook."

McCordia University's Union for Sane Social Justice Advocates has come under fire after it started selling tiny dildos for toddlers as part of their “Smash The Patriarchy!” initiative, which aims to challenge patriarchal sexual norms including our society’s current prohibition on pedophilia.

“Pedophilia is a patriarchal cultural construct that denies the agency of 4 year olds,” says internet journalist Uhura Spock. “We need to realize that pedophilia isn’t wrong, that giving four year old dildos isn’t wrong. The real problem is shaming pedophiles, the real problem is denying the sexual agency of 4 year olds, the real problem is saying it’s wrong for children to have sexual urges. They have urges, and we need to respect those urges while empowering children to act on them. That’s the only morally acceptable thing we can do. Everything else is sexist patriarchal domination that reinforces our eurocentric cisgendered rape culture, a rape culture that’s grounded in colonialist attitudes built on a foundation of heteronormative genealogies that we need to decenter using radical forms of resistance based on a firm intersectional understanding of narratives that sustain oppressive power relations between toxic white masculinity and its victims."

USSJA spokersperson Helga Labête agreees. “It's 2015! it’s time to accept that history is linear, and you’re either on the right side of it or the wrong side of it. Our values must evolve with the moral arc of progress, which means we have to stop oppressing pedophiles and start embracing their wholly legitimate sexual cravings and urges. If you break the word pedophile down to its roots, you get pedo for child and phile for love. Pedophile literally means loving children. The only people who think its wrong to love children are white supremacist patriarchy loving reactionaries. Don’t let them dictate our culture! Fight the patriarchy by giving a four year old one of our custom made kid sized dildos."

People who were lucky enough to avoid University are baffled by what schools are now teaching students. “What the hell is wrong with McCordia University?” asks 47 year old electrician Jerome Lemieux. “Seriously, what the hell are they teaching these kids? I’m a working class leftist. I’m in a union. I believe in equal rights for everyone and i’m against discrimination, but apparently that’s not enough. Now if i don’t support giving little children dildos I’m the bad guy? Our universities are run by lunatics. God help us once these crazy brats start running the government."

You can buy your old kid sized dildo at McCordia’s Kool-Aid Counter.

A new study by The North American Center of Party Sciences reveals that 85% of teenage ravers grow up to be homeless vagabonds. “Most homeless people are former ravers,” says lead researcher Artie Shaw. “I’d go so far as saying that society doesn’t have a homeless people problem, it has a homeless raver problem."

Artie says that his study doesn’t explain why the vast majority of ravers go on to become homeless. “It’s a huge mystery to us,” says Artie. “We need to do a lot more research on this issue. It’s very odd. Is it the music that predisposes people to a life of a homeless vagabond? Is it the drugs? Is it the self-destructive culture that surrounds the party scene? Right now, we can’t say for sure, but we imagine it’s a mixture of the three."

Teenage ravers who are confronted with the prospect of becoming homeless vagabonds say that they have no regrets. “If dancing to techno at 4am today means that i’ll become a homeless crazy person ten years from now, then that’s a price I can live with,” says 17 year old ketamine addict Hillary Sanders. “The future is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is the here and now. I want to spend my nights pumping my body full of fun chemicals and then shaking my ass like salt and peppers will fall out of it. I want to dance, I want to get high, I want to feel like the world is on fire and i’m at the heart of the flames."

Most homeless vagabonds say that raving was worth it. “I used to be a full time raver, but today I’m a self-destructive wreck incapable of holding down a job or stringing together two sentences without getting distracted, and that’s okay” says vagrant Johnny Five. “God I love masturbating. What were we talking about?"

Artie hopes that his study will help convince teenagers that raving isn’t worth the cost. “You don’t want to sacrifice a few years of pleasure for decades of misery,” says Artie. “Instead of raving, why not go to church and read the bible?"

Dozens of people died Friday night after they refused to vacate St-Henri’s Club YOLO after it caught fire. “The fire alarm was blaring and the water sprinklers were doing their job, but it wasn’t enough to convince people to leave,” says club owner Patrice Lamatriss. “I tried pulling them out of the building, but they refused to listen to me. They just told me that fires weren’t a big deal. They wanted to dance and they were going to dance."

Firemen have said that they’re not surprised. “Young people aren’t smart,” says 54 year old Wallace Polis. “They’ve always been dumb, but this generation is even worse than the last one. They think they’re invulnerable, like they can survive a burning building. Something has gone incredibly wrong with our society. When you’re in a burning building, you’re supposed to evacuate, not dance your ass off."

Many teenagers disagrees. “Look, we’re all going to die sooner or later,” says 19 year old Trevor Bever. “Either we’re going to die of old age, or we’ll die of cancer, or we’ll die after being gang-raped and murdered by Syrian refugees, or we’ll die while dancing to shitty music in a shitty club. Does it really matter? No, it doesn’t. We’re all going to die and how we die is irrelevant. How we live is irrelevant. Everything is irrelevant."

Philosopher Ashley Passiliy agrees. “In the end, refusing to vacate a burning building isn’t any less rational than vacating it,” says Ashley. “The only thing that makes one choice rational or irrational is our frame of reference, but our references are arbitrary. Culture is constructed. Values are constructed. Everything is constructed. And if everything is constructed, than evacuating a burning building and dancing in it until you die are both equally valid decisions. Neither is more rational than the other. Both are equally correct. Life is inherently meaningless."

Patrice isn’t sure how he feels about that assessment. “I think I would have far fewer nightmares if those party kids would have just followed me out of the club,” says Patrice. “Now, whenever i go to bed, all I can hear is their screams. Their horrible, horrible screams."

A source close to the Kremlin has presented Ravenews with incontrovertible proof that Vladmir Putin is funding psytrance parties across America in hopes over overthrowing the U.S government. The source refuses to be named, fearing that their revelations might lead to their assassination.

“The truth is out there,” says the anonymous leaker. “Psytrance was the result of Project Hippie Virus, a program created by the KGB with the intention of demoralizing the people of America. It is an insidious musical genre scientifically designed to cause moral degeneracy and mental retardation. It’s deleterious effects on social well being are off the scale."

The USSR collapsed before the KGB could infect America with psytrance music, but that didn’t spare the states from the wrath of angry rogue agents, who took matters into their own hands. “These KGB agents realized that the USSR was over, but they weren’t going to sit back and let America win. They decided to launch Project Hippie Virus on their own. They stuffed their suitcases full of weaponized psytrance CDs, blue jeans, and coca cola, then traveled to America, where they began organizing raves."

American culture has seen a precipitous decline since the ex-KGB agents launched Project Hippie Virus. “Today, your average American teenager believes that marriage is only beautiful if it’s between gay people, that white people are inherently evil and need to be murdered, that western civilization is terrible and needs to be erased from the face of the planet, and that woman are just as capable as men are of being soldiers. This is all the result of psytrance."

Rave promoters are loath to admit that they might have been useful idiots of the KGB. “Okay, let’s imagine that psytrance really was invented by Russia to destroy the United States: is that so bad?” asks 21 year old raver and Concordia student Ludger Fox. “America sucks. White people suck. Straight people suck. Men suck. If psytrance was designed to kill them, than I think we need to listen to more psytrance. Fuck Western Civilization, long live psytrance!"

Scientists at the Montreal Institute For Aural Phallus Dynamics have finally solved one of the EDM scene’s long standing mysteries: the secret behind why techno lovers are so well endowed. “People have long been baffled by how big the penises are of men who listen to techno,” says lead researcher Jasper Cummings. “Techno enthusiasts have an average penile length of eight inches, a full two inches longer than the average man. That raised a question — does listening to techno give you a big penis, or does having a big penis make you more likely to listen to techno?"

Afters studying the issue for nearly a decade, Jasper’s team of penis specialists have finally solved the mystery. “Our research confirms that listening to techno increases penile growth during puberty,” says Jasper. “The effect disappears once men reach adult hood. Techno’s generative qualities only exist during a brief window of time, but the young men who take advantage of it will benefit for a lifetime."

Techno loving teenage males can expect penile gains of one to five inches. “In our study, every single man who listened to techno as a teenager had a penis over 7 inches long,” says Jasper. “Techno music is the only scientifically proven way to enhance penile length."

Older men who never listened to EDM as teenagers might one day benefit from techno penis therapy, says Jasper. “Now that we’ve identified the penile enhancing properties of techno music, we believe it’ll be possible to harness its miraculous penis powers to help men who struggle with the indignity of having tiny peckers. Techno music will help us create a world where any man can have throbbingly large love rod."

Jasper believes techno might also be able to help flat chested women as well as those who have incredibly loose vaginas. “Techno music is a multi-purpose sex aid,” says Jasper. “Whether you’re dealing with having an itty bitty penis or a cavernous vagina, techno can help."

Millennial men are waging all out war on masculinity, and many of them have decided to embrace the tramp stamp as a symbol of their battle against manhood. Every day, hundreds of men decide to get an emasculating tramp stamp on their lower back in order to symbol to the rest of the world that they’ve given up on being men.

“It’s odd,” says tattoo parlour owner George Freewall. “I’ve been in this business for decades now, and over the last ten years, the kind of tattoos men get has really changed radically. Tramp stamps have rocketed to the top of the most desired tattoo for men. In second place are butterfly tattoos on ankles. Judging by which tattoos are popular, I’d say we have successfully transitioned from a patriarchal society to a matriarchal one. Women now rule, and men are their bitches."

23 year old University student Joseph Brown agrees. “I didn’t learn much in school,” says Joseph. “I’m scientifically and culturally illiterate. I can barely read and I write at a third grade level. Schools failed to teach me a lot of things, but they succeeded in convincing me that being a man is a terrible thing. I hate myself and that’s why I got to a tramp stamp. I want to erase my masculinity and become a woman."

Many women are becoming increasingly frustrated with the feminization of men. “If I wanted to fuck a woman, I’d become a lesbian,” says Tracy Hatman. “But these days, it’s nearly god damn impossible to find a man who has still has balls attached. Our schooling system has really neutered our men. Feh, at this point, I hope Russia conquers the West so I can finally meet men who still have some hair left on their chests."

Other women, though, are huge fans of the emasculating of men. “I can’t wait until men and women are completely interchangeable,” says intersectional english feminist Mary Cobwebbs. “It’ll be great when everyone in our society belongs to a giant androgynous blob where gender differences have been erased and men and women have been smothered to death beneath the weight of the bourgeois academic left. Men embracing tramp stamps is a step in that direction. Kill the masculine, kill the feminine, and embrace the divine truth of our academic prophets, whose holy texts declare that gender is a construct. To deny this truth is to blaspheme before the mother goddess and her apostles, a sin that must be punished with everlasting shame and ostracism. All hail the glories of the Academy, our one true church, and the heart of moral strength. Hallelujah!"

Half a dozen women of loose morals were infected with herpes over the weekend after making out with Brad Thomas, a disease ridden degenerate, at the Tardy Hardy Dubstep Party. “He told me it was just a razor cut,” says 19 year old Emma Godwin, “and I took him at his word. It wasn’t a razor cut though, it was a giant herpes sore. What kind of person would lie about that?"

A lot of people, apparently. “Herpes Pride World Wide,” says Brad. “Some people might think that lying about herpes is immoral, but they’re wrong. The real immoral thing is discriminating against people with STDs. Everyone has a right to physical affection. I shouldn’t be discriminated against just because I have a disease. That’s ableist, and healthy people need to check their privilege. I was punching up against oppressive social norms by lying about my condition."

Henrietta Spanks, Montreal’s most prominent Herpes Pride activist, agrees with Brad. “Discriminating against someone because they have a disease is the same thing as discriminating against them because of their race or their gender or sexual orientation,” says Henrietta. “And besides, the fact that the women couldn’t tell the difference between a herpes sore and a razor cut means that they’re so stupid, they deserve what they got — a wonderful lifelong disease that will help them learn empathy and compassion."

Brad says that he considers giving herpes to women the same thing as giving them a life long gift. “By giving these women my disease, I’ve touched their lives in a way that’s irrevocable and irreversible, forcing them to come to terms with their bigotry and hatred,” says Brad. “In a way, the best thing that ever happened to them was kissing me, because i’ve opened up an entire new realm of emotional possibilities to them. Herpes is like a kind spice that ads new textures to our experiences. A real gift."

Many party promoters say that they’re getting fed up with the herpes pride movement. “You know, the same idiots behind herpes pride are the same people who go on and on about rape culture,” says Tardy Hardy Dubstep Party’s promoter Alex Greyson. “I think kissing people without telling them you have herpes is a dick move that shows contempt for consent, but a staggering number of young idiots disagree They’ve erected an entire moral framework which claims that people with diseases are oppressed by healthy people, and as such, the diseased are entitled to the bodies and affections of healthy people. It’s insane. Consent now basically means that anything a left-wing extremist wants you to do, you need to do, otherwise you’re oppressing them. Look, if you’re a young person, please know you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to kiss or sleep with someone because they’re ‘oppressed’, which is an empty word that doesn’t mean anything anymore."

Brad disagrees. “The only reason Alex thinks that is because’s he’s an ableist bigot,” says Brad. “I should kiss him over and over again until he gets herpes."

EDM has long been considered a progressive stronghold, a music genre that was mainly dominated by young people who identified with liberal values. The rise of dubstep has challenged that view, due to its overwhelming popularity with old white men. “Dubstep is the most popular music genre among rich old white politicians,” says musicologist Donald Prestlin. “If you run a bank, or you’re a lawyer, or you spend your days trying to find new ways to oppress women or are hell bent on stripping them of their reproductive rights, chances are you love dubstep."

What makes dubstep so popular with old white men? “It’s a bit of a mystery,” says Earl Ruthford, the CEO of Patriarchal Solutions & Logistics. “I don’t know why I’m drawn to dubstep, but I do know there’s something about the music that really resonates with me. When I hear a dubstep song, it’s like my soul is screaming out at me, saying ‘It’s time to marginalize minorities and disenfranchise women!’. I can’t quite explain it. It’s like the music draws out my inner desire to oppress and destroy the little people. It makes me feel like i’m Godzilla, and I have to stomp and devour all the weak little creatures beneath my scaly feet."

Many EDM fans agree. “God, dubstep attracts power hungry weirdos,” says party promoter Cleveland Davis. “I used to throw parties, and I had to stop hiring dubstep DJs, because they’d always attract geriatric bankers and lawyers and politicians. No one wants to dance with the patriarchy, and that’s what dubstep attracts. It’s the music of the ruling class, and I think EDM is at its best when its counter cultural, when it says power to the people, not to the pigs."

Earl says it doesn’t matter if small time promoters stop playing dubstep, because dubstep fans rule society. “All the best clubs play dubstep, because we own them,” says Earl. “Dubstep is the music of power. Let the little people listen to their psytrance and their hardcore. The rich, the mighty, and the conservative will listen to dubstep. Dubstep uber alles!"

Party promoters across Canada are promising to organize a country wide rave if the conservatives are re-elected. “If Harper is the prime minister come October 20th, we’re going to kick start the raver revolution,” says brain addled psytrance enthusiast Jerome Buckwaffle. “We’re going to rave away the corruption, the fear mongering, the bad policies! We’re going to change Canada’s political culture one DJ set at time. From Halifax to Victoria, from Yellowknife to Kingston, the EDM generation will march, glow stick in hands, to Ottawa."

Jerome says that the British techno scene inspired him to start a Canadian raver uprising. “Over in the U.K, ravers have organized a non-stop rave outside parliament in an effort to overthrow the democratically elected Conservative party. They’re using the power of techno to let David Cameron know: democracy failed the English, and only psytrance can save them!"

Canadian conservatives disagree. “The existence of raver protests says a lot about the state of today’s liberal opposition,” says conservative M.P Bernard Fiddlesworth. “Their taste in music is as awful as their taste in politics. The fact that they think they can change the world with a dance party speaks volumes about their utter lack of common sense. It wouldn’t be that bad if these raver revolutionaries were at least using dubstep to move the masses, but they’re playing that hippy bullshit psytrance crap."

The working class agrees. “Normal people don’t listen to psytrance,” says plumber Carl Craquefess. “I might have supported this raver revolution if the DJs were going to play some drum & bass or maybe some happy hardcore, but psytrance? Goddam hippies and their goddamn hippy music. If the police don’t gun them down, I hope they choke on their dirty dreadlocks."

Jerome says he’s undeterred by social resistance. “We might have lost the vote, and we might not have the support of the public, but we won’t let that stop us,” says Jerome. “We serve the mighty gods of psytrance. History is on our side. Down with democracy, up with psytrance!"

Ian Gauthier, a 24 year old welder from Mile End, says he’ll never take LSD again after his last drug trip left him stranded in Syria. “I dropped six tabs of acid on Friday night, and then next thing I know, I’m in Syria leading a small rebel army against the government of Bashar Al-Assad. LSD, not even once."

Ian said he was scared out of his mind. “I don’t remember how I went from partying in Montreal to being part of a rebel army. Blackouts are always scary, but this wasn’t a normal blackout. This was a blackout on steroids. I am mystified. My grip on reality has been fundamentally shaken. I can not, for the life of me, imagine any plausible chain of events that would end with me in Syria with an AK-47 in my hands, and soldiers under my command. That happened in less than 48 hours. How is that even possible?"

Ian’s friends are sure how he wound up in Syria. “I was with Ian friday night,” says his best friend Paul Rudd. “We both dropped acid together, then he told me he felt like getting a hamburger at La Belle Salope. He said he’d be right back, and I never saw him again that night."

Carly Simona, Ian’s ex-girlfriend, said she bumped into him while he was hunting for hamburgers. “He looked a little out of it and he was obviously high on drugs. He waved at me on the street, told me he was craving cow meat, then started running like a mad man toward’s La Belle Salope, all while yelling at the sky. Typical LSD freak out stuff."

Employees at La Belle Salope say that Ian never came to their restaurant. “We’ve never seen that man before,” says waitress Betty Grossein. “So whatever happened to him, happened before he reached our restaurant."

The mystery surrounding Ian’s trek to Syria is driving him slowly insane. “It just doesn’t make any sense. Maybe LSD gave me the power to teleport? But that still wouldn’t explain how I ended up leading a small army. Maybe LSD is just the drug we take when God decides to bend the laws of time and space. There’s no causal explanation to what happened, because there’s no actual causality. Everything in life is random. Maybe that’s it?"

Paul Rudd says that the world is a truly mysterious place. “You know, you think life makes sense, and then one day your friend disappears for hamburgers and inexplicably becomes a rebel leader in Syria,” says Paul Rudd. “Reality is weird, man. It’s really weird."

The controversial Herpes Pride Movement has set-up shop in Montreal, and party goers have embraced it’s sore covered face. “It’s time for us to move on from archaic, backward STD shaming practices,” says Herpes Pride activist Henrietta Spanks. “Not only is there nothing wrong with having herpes, many people believe that not having herpes makes you a terrible human being."

Party goers agree. “Payback is a bitch,” says STD infested whore and feminist raconteur Leora Cairribe. “In the past, shamed us for having STDs, but now we’re going to shame healthy people for not having STDs. People who don’t have herpes should be ashamed of their health privileges. They should be ashamed of the way they oppress those of us who have embraced the imperfections of the human body."

Leora says that the Herpes Pride movement is waging war against cis-gendered hetero-normative caucasians. “When we see a straight white person who doesn’t have a STD, we yell at them until they get on their knees and admit that they’re ashamed to be alive. If they don’t do that, we rub our diseased genitalia all over their faces. Fuck cis-gendered hereto normative caucasians who don’t have STDs! Literally, because we need to give them our diseases."

Party goers have embraced this war on healthy genitalia. “Ugh, straight healthy people are boring,” says 19 year old Concordia student Lisa Crisdefolle. “Today’s teenagers realize that only stupid disgusting oppressive white people are STD-free. If you don’t have a disease like herpes or aids, you’re basically the enemy of freedom and deserve to be abolished."

Lisa says that it’s now easier to get a date in Montreal if you have an STD than if you don’t. “No one wants to date anyone who is STD free,” says Lisa. “We don’t want to party with them either. If they don’t want to give up their health privileges, than we don’t want to tolerate them and their oppression."

Many professors at Concordia are blown away at the success of the Herpes Pride movement. “Everyone know’s that privilege is bad,” says Professor Glinda Glindwell of the Concordia Illiberal Arts department, “and today’s teenagers are going out of their way to abandon their privileges by willingly becoming disease carrying whores. Our society is truly ascending dizzying heights of moral purity. "

Henrietta Spanks agrees. “The future belongs to those of us with herpes,” says Henrietta. “We’re done being oppressed. We’re going to abolish all you healthy, disease free scumbags by turning you into one of us. Intersectionality akbar!"

Concordia University students are making asses of themselves yet again, as countless liberal art undergraduates have launched a campaign to make homosexuality illegal. “Gay men discriminate against women,” says kale enthusiast and shrieking harpy Heather Godwin. “Gay men say that they don’t want to have sex with women. Everyone knows that sexuality is culturally constructed. Gays have culturally constructed a sexual identity that rejects half the human population. This is simply unacceptable in a modern, progressive society. We demand that gay men start having sex with us!"

Several University professors agree with Heather. “Human sexuality is a social construct,” says Concordia's Dr. Rich Encrisse. “And if human sexuality is socially constructed, there’s no moral basis for gay men to refuse the sexual advances of straight women. If sexual identities are a choice, then gay men are choosing to discriminate against women. That’s misogynistic and immoral. We need to criminalize homosexuality."

Heather believes that gay men must pay sexual reparations to women. “Women are entitled to male bodies,” says Heather. “The only acceptable solution to homosexuality is to turn gay men into sex slaves who are obedient to bourgeois white feminists. Thanks to the growing power of our Universities, the holy churches of our modern era, more and more people are recognizing the divine nature of Academic feminism, which is the true word of The Mother Goddess, peace be unto her. Thanks to our growing strength, if gay men don’t spread their legs for women willingly, we will legislate their sexual preferences to make them more politically correct."

Not all gay men are thrilled by the prospect of feminist enslavement. “The LGBT scene has lost the plot,” says gay activist Carl Beefcake. “It’s obvious to most sane people that feminists are not allies of gay men. These bourgeois rich white bitches have spent years in their Ivory Towers learning how to highjack minority movements for their own benefit. Sorry darlings, but if you’re from a white upper class family and you can afford to waste years of your life getting a gender studies degree, you are not the oppressed. You are the oppressor. Now you want to kick gay men out of the club we started once we’re finally getting some respect? Fuck that and fuck you. Gay men have a habit of winning the battles we start, and if feminists want to wage war against us, I say bring it on, ladies. You’ll regret it."