Half a dozen women of loose morals were infected with herpes over the weekend after making out with Brad Thomas, a disease ridden degenerate, at the Tardy Hardy Dubstep Party. “He told me it was just a razor cut,” says 19 year old Emma Godwin, “and I took him at his word. It wasn’t a razor cut though, it was a giant herpes sore. What kind of person would lie about that?"

A lot of people, apparently. “Herpes Pride World Wide,” says Brad. “Some people might think that lying about herpes is immoral, but they’re wrong. The real immoral thing is discriminating against people with STDs. Everyone has a right to physical affection. I shouldn’t be discriminated against just because I have a disease. That’s ableist, and healthy people need to check their privilege. I was punching up against oppressive social norms by lying about my condition."

Henrietta Spanks, Montreal’s most prominent Herpes Pride activist, agrees with Brad. “Discriminating against someone because they have a disease is the same thing as discriminating against them because of their race or their gender or sexual orientation,” says Henrietta. “And besides, the fact that the women couldn’t tell the difference between a herpes sore and a razor cut means that they’re so stupid, they deserve what they got — a wonderful lifelong disease that will help them learn empathy and compassion."

Brad says that he considers giving herpes to women the same thing as giving them a life long gift. “By giving these women my disease, I’ve touched their lives in a way that’s irrevocable and irreversible, forcing them to come to terms with their bigotry and hatred,” says Brad. “In a way, the best thing that ever happened to them was kissing me, because i’ve opened up an entire new realm of emotional possibilities to them. Herpes is like a kind spice that ads new textures to our experiences. A real gift."

Many party promoters say that they’re getting fed up with the herpes pride movement. “You know, the same idiots behind herpes pride are the same people who go on and on about rape culture,” says Tardy Hardy Dubstep Party’s promoter Alex Greyson. “I think kissing people without telling them you have herpes is a dick move that shows contempt for consent, but a staggering number of young idiots disagree They’ve erected an entire moral framework which claims that people with diseases are oppressed by healthy people, and as such, the diseased are entitled to the bodies and affections of healthy people. It’s insane. Consent now basically means that anything a left-wing extremist wants you to do, you need to do, otherwise you’re oppressing them. Look, if you’re a young person, please know you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to kiss or sleep with someone because they’re ‘oppressed’, which is an empty word that doesn’t mean anything anymore."

Brad disagrees. “The only reason Alex thinks that is because’s he’s an ableist bigot,” says Brad. “I should kiss him over and over again until he gets herpes."