Candy bracelets make you stupid claim researchers at McCordia University’s Centre for the Psychology of Aging. “It’s true, wearing candy bracelets makes you functionally retarded,” says lead researcher Axel Pink. “People don’t realize the incredible impact their clothing has on their mental and emotional states. At the psychological level, clothing functions as an extension of our physical selves. Our minds often have trouble differentiating between our bodies and the things that adorn them, and this can lead to really interesting psychological phenomena. If you wear a lab coat, you actually start behaving more intelligently, even if you’re otherwise complete idiot. Our clothing literally changes the way we think. Because candy bracelets are associated with children and youth, adults who wear them regress mentally until they’re basically idiots."

Ravers aren’t surprised by the mentally deleterious effects of wearing candy bracelets. “The moment I put on a candy bracelet, I just feel like opening up a can of paint and eating out of it with a spoon,” says 24 year old avid party goers Lacey Johnson. “I don’t know why, but it’s like candy bracelets make me a self-destructive idiot."

Other ravers agree. “Oh man, the moment I put on a candy bracelet, it’s like common sense goes straight out the window,” says 32 year old man-child John Goerring. “It’s not uncommon for me to masturbate in public when I’m wearing candy bracelets. I’d never do that without one of them on, though. It’s like candy bracelets give my brain permission to just let go."

Axel believes that candy bracelets cause our brains prefrontal cortex to shut down, letting our more primal impulses run wild. “The prefrontal cortex is basically our brain’s policeman,” says Axel. “It’s the smart part where reason and logic rule. We did some MRI scans, and we found that the moment people put on a candy bracelet, all the neurons that usually fire in the prefrontal cortex go silent. Have you ever seen those pictures of South Korea and North Korea at night, and how North Korea is pitch black while the south is lit up like a christmas tree? Well, your brain on candy bracelets looks like North Korea. Don’t wear them."

Ravers remain defiant, though. “Sometimes being stupid is good for you,” says Lacey. “Sometimes I don’t want to think, sometimes I just want to eat dirt and giggle and act like a toddler. Being stupid doesn’t have to be a bad thing."