Montreal Police are warning citizens to be careful while walking out late at night. “In recent years, teenagers have begun throwing hit & run parties,” says Sgt. Drake Teralta of the SPVM. “These parties consist of convoys of young men in expensive vehicles trolling the city looking for people to run over. I should point out that the young men are using cars their parents bought for them. These are ruthless, spoiled brats with an insatiable appetite for carnage."

Over a dozen victims have been hospitalized over the last month. “Hit and run parties are more popular during the summer, when the children of the rich have more opportunities to show the world that they’re worthless vermin that deserve to be exterminated,” says Sgt. Teralta. “I can only hope that Quebec experiences a revolution in the decade ahead, so that we can finally execute all the horrible wealthy brats in Montreal. If you drive around in your daddy’s red convertible looking for people to hit with it, your neck deserves a date with a guillotine."

Many Montrealers agree. “Oh man, the suburbs are just horrible,” says Diedra Collis, a plumber who moved to Kirkland decades ago, back before it was invaded by millionaires. “The children in Kirkland are beyond spoiled. I think anyone who is under 30 and lives there deserves what they get once our economy implodes and the working class decides to eat the rich. Walk around Kirkland late at night, and some rich brat will try to run you over, guaranteed. The police don’t do anything, because rich people don’t have to follow the law like everyone else."

Sgt. Teralta agrees. “I hate the spoiled brats who live in Kirkland as much as the next person, but my hands are tied. Their parents have money, and that means we can’t do anything to them. Orders from up on high: the law is only there to police the little people."

Diedra says she’s hoping the revolution comes soon.

“It’s not only Kirkland that’s suffering from these little tyrants. The entire city is living under the thumb of the rich. They have absolutely no empathy. They don’t care. They think trying to hit people with their cars is funny. You know what I think is going to be funny? The day they wake up and find an angry mob at their front door. If the rich don’t start policing their children, they will have no one to blame but themselves when the people rise up against them and start chopping off their heads."

Sgt. Teralta says that if rich people don’t start reigning in their kids, it’s only a matter of time before a class war erupts. “It’s not just that rich people have no empathy, it’s that they are also incredibly stupid,” says Sgt. Teralta. “You don’t keep poking a bear with a stick and not expect it to lash back. If the rich let their children organize hit & run parties, than the rich deserve to see their children die at the hands of a violent mob. And when that happens, we’re going to sit back and let it happen."