Exciting research by scientists at the Aural Fixation Institute proves that anal sex can improve hearing. “Our results suggest that it is theoretically possible to treat deafness with a regimen of rectal penetration,” says lead researcher Asad Bamali. “Stimulation of certain glands along the anal wall can trigger the regeneration of cellular pathways associated with hearing. Not only that, but the stimulation also lights up neural pathways associated with hearing and memory formation. We believe that anal sex might also benefit people suffering from alzheimer’s disease."

The ramifications of Dr. Bamali’s work is already bearing fruit in the way some parties are being promoted. “After Bamali released his seminal paper on anal-aural regeneration, we realized that rectal stimulation could intensify the experience of listening to music,” says party promoter Joe Smorgasvine. “We decided to test our theory out by organizing an anal dubstep orgy. We combined sick beats with ass pounding pleasure. The results were out of this world. If you’ve never had your sphincter thoroughly massaged while listening to loud repetitive music, you haven’t really lived."

Many people agree. “I don’t think I ever want to go to a party that doesn’t include someone shoving something up my ass,” says 18 year old Klein Smidt. “Anal stimulation has made a huge difference to the way I listen to music. The more stimulation I get, the better the music sounds. There’s no comparison. Anal sex will help revitalize the rave scene in a way that few people fully appreciate. Soon, all raves will involve anal penetration."

Joe says that he’ll be offering vibrating butt plugs at his next party. “If you’re one of those lonely fat nerds who doesn’t have any friends willing to shove something up your ass, that’s okay, we’ve got your back."