Starting October 1st, Montreal bus drivers will be given mandatory vodka shots at the start of their shifts. “It’s part of a new initiative designed to make life more interesting for the people of Montreal,” says mayor Roger Mulcair. “Driving the bus for hours on end can be incredibly dull, and if the bus drivers are bored, their passengers will be bored. Bored passengers means bored workers, and bored workers means less productivity, which leads to less tax revenue. Drunk drivers will have more fun on the road, which oddly enough, means that workers will be more productive. The specifics are fuzzy, but specialists assure me that this is how economics work. Drunk driving is good business."

According to safety expert Denise Felardeau, the days of drinking responsibly are long gone. “Montreal’s current administration is dedicated to making this city more exciting, and one of the ways of doing that is by rejecting the safety-first ethos that has come to dominate so much of Western civilization,” says Denise. “In the years ahead, I expect to see a lot of safety regulations clawed back, as people grow tired of living inside a giant bubble were nothing is dangerous and everything is safe. Human beings crave danger and risk. Encouraging bus drivers to work drunk is just one way to rebalance society. The reign of the safe space will be short lived, as people rebel by embracing reckless risk taking."

Many bus drivers aren’t sure they want to drink vodka before hitting the road. “I think i’d be much happier drinking vodka after my shift ends,” says 45 year old Gerard Jerome. “However, if the government says I have to drive drunk, than I guess I’ll suck it up and take my shots. If I end up running over some pedestrians, don’t blame me."

Mayor Mulcair wouldn’t have it any other way. “Everyone focuses too much on assigning blame,” says Mulcair. “The fact is simple: being alive is dangerous and the survival rate is 0%. We need to come to terms with the fact that living isn’t safe. It will never be safe. Bad things will happen, and that’s okay. By encouraging bad things to happen, we’re telling people that it’s normal to get hurt. That pain isn’t something to avoid, but something we need to embrace. Life is much more fun when you realize it’s supposed to hurt."