The Montreal police have issued a warning to parents about a network of vile pedophiles that are throwing raves with the sole intention of finding young teenage girls to conquer sexually. “We have evidence that a group of middle aged men have begun throwing parties in our city in order to locate young girls that they can groom for sexual purposes,” says Sgt. Arnold Batista of the SPVM. “Given the serious threat that these old perverts pose to the teenagers of Montreal, we’ve decided to issue this public warning even though our investigation is still ongoing. We want parents to know that raving is full of creepy old men who want to have sex with their nubile young daughters.”

Party kids in Montreal say they’re not surprised. “Every time I go to a rave, I see some forty year old guy with a bald spot hitting on 14 year old girls,” says St-Henri’s DJ Floppy. “They usually offer the girls drugs and then take advantage of them. It’s awful. The rave community needs to band together and put an end to the tyranny of old rapey ravers.”

Promoters agree. “Me and my promoter buddies have decided to enforce age limits at all our parties,” says 43 year old event organizer Tommy Davos. “No one over 18 will be allowed. Rest assured, the young girls of Montreal will be safe at our events. We’ll treat them like delicate princesses and protect them from all the sexual predators who might want to deflower them."