Move over Jesus Christ, there’s a new religion town, and it’s getting people high as hell. The Church of The Dragon Chaser has seen its popularity explode over the last year, opening dozens of chapters across Canada and America. The oddball religion considers heroin to be a divine substance handed down to humanity by The Great Dragon, a godlike being that created heaven and earth during a drug fuelled orgy.

“We believe that The Great Dragon consumed heroin for seven days and seven nights, and on the last night, he mated with the spirits of wind, fire, earth, and water, inseminating them with his seed. The elements then gave birth to the Universe and all who dwell within,” says Reverend Bryan Tulle. “The Great Dragon celebrated the birth of the Universe by covering a million planets with the opium poppy flowers. These flowers are a gift from our god, and are the only way for those made of flesh and blood to speak with our cosmic creators.”

Heroin dealers across the Americas are now working with The Church of the Dragon Chaser to have their faith recognized by the state. “Heroin dealers are doing god’s work,” says Rev. Tulle. “It is important that the state not interfere in our spiritual affairs, lest it incurs the wrath of The Great Dragon. Heroin is a divine good, and the fact that the state has labeled it an evil is the source of all our current problems. We must place the holy poppy back in its revered position, or we will face eternal damnation.”