The Pedosexual Liberation Movement has hit the big time now that over a dozen Hollywood celebrities have come out in support of it. “It’s time that we recognize that pedophilia isn’t a crime, but a sexual orientation,” says Hoogen Bausweit, the producer of the oscar winning drama Make Boys Cry. “The rise of the Pedosexual Liberation Movement is proof that our conception of gender continues to evolve. We need to stop oppressing people who have desires that fall outside the cisnormative mainstream.”

Ima Raypalaut, the star of the hit movie Teacher Please, agrees. “There’s a reason everyone considers Hollywood the moral centre of the Universe,” says Ima. “That’s because us celebrities have a unique understanding of right and wrong that church going country hicks will never fully appreciate. My time as a Hollywood actor has made me uniquely qualified to understand the pain and suffering of the underprivileged, and right now, there’s no single group in America that’s as oppressed as pedosexuals. It’s time we right this historical wrong and show the world that sexually desiring children is perfectly natural.”

Convicted pedosexual Henry Tinytoppper is glad to see Hollywood throw their weight behind the cause. “It’s just disgusting that people like me are sent to jail just for having sex with five year olds,” says Henry. “Do you think the ability to consent to sex magically begins at 16? No, it doesn’t. It starts the moment a toddler learns to say no. And if a toddler doesn’t say no, then what’s the problem?”

Henry’s views are very popular with the Hollywood elite, which is rumoured to be dominated by child rapists. “It’s not a big secret that most people who run Hollywood are in the pedosexual closet,” says Ima. “I just want my Hollywood brothers to finally be open about their sexual desires without being punished for them. It’s not fair.”

Many fashion watchers believe that Hollywood’s public embrace of pedosexuality will deeply effect the social politics of the country. “Back in the 1990s and early aughties, gays were the top fashion accessory among well-to-do liberals,” says stylist Van Grübber. “Then gays were tossed aside for the trans community. In 2015, you weren’t cool unless you had some transgendered friends. Liberals, who are mostly middle and upper class, use gender politics as a way to draw attention to their social status. It’s not that they actually care about gay or transgender rights, they just care about the social status that seeming to care about these rights confers. The problem is that eventually working class people start adopting their gender politics, which causes these politics to lose their social cachet. After that happens, liberals then need to find a new gender politics to use as a fashion accessory"

"You can see the same cycle of social drift happen with the names liberals use to give their children," says Van. "Liberals come up with new names to give their kids, poor people then eventually copy those names causing them to lose their power as status signifiers, then liberals come up with new names for their children, and the cycle repeats itself. This is the reason first names fall in and out of fashion. It’s also why progressive politics seems to progress onwards. The middle and upper class must constantly invent new social mores once they're embraced by the poor and working class.. It’s not about social justice but about social status. At the heart of liberal politics is a sneering elitism based on the desire to rule over people who are beneath you socially.”

Van Grübber says social drift is at the heart of the Pedosexual Liberation Movement. “After gay rights became acceptable among the working class, high status liberals needed to adopt something new to set themselves apart from their social inferiors. That’s why they embraced transgender rights,” says Van. “Now they’re embracing pedosexuality. It’s just the cycle of fashion at work. Eventually liberals will move on from pedophilia to something else that’ll help show that they’re better than the working class. Who knows, maybe in 2030, you won’t be considered cool unless you have a canine sex slave.”

Ima scoffs at Van’s analysis. “First of all, pedosexuality’s embrace by Hollywood royalty has nothing to do with social status,” says Ima. “Second of all, if you’re going to have a non human sex slave, it should be an armadillo. They’re much harder to get than dogs, and so much cuter too.”