Sologamy, the practice of marrying yourself, has seen an explosion in popularity across America. Growing numbers of people are giving up on dating and marriage, and choosing instead to marry themselves in elaborate and slightly absurd ceremonies that thumb their noses at the very idea of holy matrimony.

Experts like Dr. Ruth Vader predict that nearly 60% of Americans will have dropped out of the mating game by 2025. “In the future, most marriages will be sologamous in nature,” says Dr. Vader. “The trend lines are very clear. People aren’t having as much sex anymore, they’re not dating as much, they’re not socializing as much, and they’re not marrying as much. Our society is becoming increasingly narccisistic, and there’s no sign of this changing. Get used to a childless future of deracinated, uprooted atoms who have no ties to their communities or neighbours. Instead, the only meaningful relationship most people in the future will have is the one with the person they see in their mirror, and it’s going to be a pretty shitty relationship.”

Sologamists like Matt Perrier are undeterred by nay sayers. “Love is a total fraud,” says Mr. Perrier. “I used to spend all my time on Tinder and various dating apps, trying to find someone I could marry and start a family with, but instead all I found was a deep sense of disappointment in the human race. I was so happy to discover that other misanthropes had pioneered the practice of sologamy, and decided to try my own hand at living a sologamous life. It was the best decision I ever made.”

Mr. Perrier had a sologamous wedding on a beach off the coast of California. “I didn’t bother inviting anyone. There was no priest, no bride, no bridesmaids, no annoying guests. It was just me and the great blue sea. I made a vow to myself to never share my heart with another living soul, then I drank half a bottle of vodka and passed out for a couple hours. It was a deeply spiritual experience.” Mr. Perrier says that since marrying himself, his life has never been better. “I spend all my money on video games, sex dolls, and miniature crocodile replicas. If I had a wife or a girlfriend, I’d have so many obligations and I’d be expected to spend my money more responsibly. Where’s the fun in that?”