The Canadian Union of Education Professionals has come under fire after releasing a report this week that suggests that teachers should have the right to sell drugs to their students. CUEP president Donald Highstone has downplayed the furor, stating that history will side with the report’s findings.

“We live in an increasingly progressive era,” says Donald. “The arc of history bends towards greater access to drugs. Once drug use becomes normalized, we’ll be confronted with creating a drug culture that enables and empowers children, that teaches them about the possibilities and dangers of altering their state of mind through exogenous means. We believe that educators must be front and centre in creating a new and enlightened culture of drug use.”

Donald claims that parents will see the wisdom in turning teachers into drug dealers. “Who would you prefer your child get their cocaine or heroin from — a random street urchin with ties to biker gangs or a biology teacher? Simply put, we believe that children should be initiated into drug use in a supervised setting by trained professionals. The full legalization of all drugs will radically transform society and our educational system needs to prepare for this eventuality. We’re not suggesting that teachers start handing out eight balls to their students right away, but we are saying that we need to develop protocols and social norms in order to create a drug culture that is safe, sane, and responsible.”

Many parents vociferously disagree with the CUEP’s drug culture agenda. “It used to be that you sent your children to school to prepare them for adulthood,” says homeschooler Angela Dustovich, “but now schools are crazy people factories. Instead of preparing children for the real world, they’re teaching children to be completely unmoored from reality. Teachers giving cocaine to students is just another sign of the deep social rot at the heart of our educational system.”