The vast majority of female ravers have had sex with at least one drug dealer claims a new study released by the Montreal Institute for Urban Dance. Lead researcher Dr. John Johnson says the results surprised even him. “My team interviewed three thousand ravers across Canada over the last year. Our results are incontrovertible. Eighty five percent of women who have attended at least five raves have had sex with a drug dealer. Sixty percent have had sex with at least two drug dealers, and a shocking thirty five percent have had sex with at least a dozen drug dealers.”

Dr. Johnson says that his research on female mating habits within the rave community will help public health officials track future outbreaks of STDs. “This study shows that drug dealers might be important vectors for the spread contagious diseases,” says Dr. Johnson. “When you take the sheer amount of women that drug dealers are having sex with, and the very tiny pool of drug dealers that exists in any given city, it’s obvious that a lot of women are having sex with just a few men. This poses a public health risk, and while further research is needed, I wouldn’t be surprised if drug dealers are responsible for up to 20% of chlamydia outbreaks.”

Public health officials agree. “It is my professional opinion that drug dealers are making our cities sick,” says Dr. Vlad Tidings of the Montreal Health Bureau. “They’re basically walking biological weapons. Their testicles are tiny little virus bombs spreading filth across the land. Women need to understand that when they have sex with a drug dealer, they’re having sex with a village of other women. It’s time for the government to launch an education initiative that warns women of the dangers of sleeping with drug dealers.”